by Toler, B N
I didn’t know what to say. For the brief time I’d had both my parents alive and healthy, I’d been fortunate to witness them together sharing a loving marriage. There were plenty of things that could’ve come between them—debt, exhaustion, kids—but at the end of every day they sat down to dinner with us, and every night they sat beside each other on the couch and held hands.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Em?”
She smiled sadly. “Because it seemed so minute compared to what you’re going through.”
I frowned. I hated that she felt like she couldn’t confide in me because of my problems. “Maybe your mother went to see him,” I suggested. “Maybe it looks worse than it is.”
She bobbed her head once. “Maybe,” she agreed. Clearing her throat, she stood and plastered on a smile as she collected our plates. “Did you have enough? I can make you seconds.”
“No, I’m stuffed.” I wanted to make her feel better, so when she’d finished clearing the plates I asked, “Would you like to take me for a drive? Or we could go for a walk.”
A sheepish smile captured her features as her cheeks flushed and she approached me. “No.” She inhaled a nervous breath. “There’s something else I want to do.” She chewed on her lower lip.
I took her hands in mine, smiling softly. I had a feeling about what she wanted to do, but I needed to be sure. “Tell me, Em.”
“I’ve never…ya know.” Her cheeks were now crimson. I’d never seen her look so embarrassed.
My heart pounded against my chest. “That’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
She shook her head. “I’m not. Not at all. I just haven’t done anything…like other than kissing…maybe heavy petting.”
“Oh,” I nodded masking how pleased I was. It wouldn’t have changed anything if she’d been experienced, but something about knowing she wanted to give that part of herself to me was thrilling.
“And I’m on birth control. Not because I’ve had plans to do anything, but…it helps my skin.” She motioned at her face.
I stood and cupped her cheek, bending to kiss her softly. “Let’s not plan on anything happening. Let’s just see where the night leads us, okay?”
She peered up at me, her eyes glowing before she took my hand and led me up the stairs and into her room. It was a small bedroom filled with antique furniture and dated floral wallpaper.
“This was my mother’s room when she was younger,” she said absently.
I sat on the bed and leaned back, taking in the room. Her guitar was perched against the wall in a corner; the closet doors were partially open revealing a peek at her colorful wardrobe; and on her dresser were guitar picks, jewelry, and loose change.
“I know it’s kind of quaint, but I dig it.” She glanced about the room, her arms crossed over her chest, lower lip in a death grip between her teeth.
“You seem nervous,” I noted, my tone gentle, wanting her to know it was ok.
Perking up, she cut her eyes to me, dropping her arms. “That’s projection,” she replied coyly, her mouth lifting in a teasing smile.
“Maybe,” I agreed.
Her smile fell. “Really? You’re nervous?”
“Well, yeah,” I admitted with a shrug. “When you love a woman, as a man, you want to give her the best. And now knowing just how inexperienced you are, knowing I could be your first, I want to make it all as amazing as possible for you.”
She stepped between my legs, resting her arms on my shoulders. Her hooded eyes bore into mine and her gaze turned serious. “I want to be the one you’ll never forget.”
I wrapped my arms around her hips and squeezed her to me. “You already are.”
Her gaze darkened, her features softening. When she crawled on my lap I lay back on the bed and forgot about every single terrible thing in my life.
The way Cole touched me was exquisitely agonizing—slow, tempered. After we’d undressed, he rolled me under him and kissed my neck, a torturous sucking that made me moan.
“Tell me what you feel right now,” he demanded softly.
“I want you,” I moaned.
Pushing up, he looked into my eyes. It was difficult to focus on his gaze when I could feel him pressed against me between my legs. I writhed my hips, my core aching to feel more of him.
“No. Be more specific.” He went back to work, his lips like velvet on my neck and through the haze of lust I struggled to find words.
“You’re warm,” I gasped. “Your skin on mine, it feels like a bath.” I shook my head. That sounded so stupid. “I don’t know wh—”
“Keep going, Em,” he murmured against my skin.
“You feel so good, like I want to soak you in. Like no matter how close you get, how much of you is touching me…I want more. I want you all over me and inside of me. I want to feel it all right now, but I also don’t want it to ever end.” I squeezed my eyes closed, embarrassment swirling with lust in my belly. This was new to me, and I had no idea how to describe the sensations coursing through me.
He kissed his way up my neck to my chin, then landed against my lips. Stopping for a moment, his expression a mix of pain and pleasure as it followed his hand as it drifted over my breast, down my side to my hip. When he met my gaze again, I brushed away the loose locks hanging down over his eyes, waiting for what would come next. Sitting, he pulled me up before pushing a pillow behind me and laying me back, propping me up slightly, allowing me to see him better. As he stared down at me, my body completely exposed, I fought the urge to cover myself. I nodded, swallowing the nervousness I felt.
“I know every girl dreams about her first time and what it will be like, and I want to make it so special for you. But not tonight. Tonight, I want to explore you, and let you explore me.” He looked away for a moment. “All I want, more than anything, is for you to feel loved.”
My heart nearly exploded with the sentiment.
Taking my hand, he wrapped it around his erection, gently moving it up and down his length. “Promise me you’ll tell me what you like and what you don’t like.”
“Will I get to…know what you like?”
He smirked as he cast an appreciative gaze over me. “If it’s you, Em…the answer is everything.”
Just as the sun began to rise, Cole dressed and kissed my forehead. Then my neck. Then my breasts.
“Please don’t go,” I begged, tugging at his shirt, pulling him on top of me. “Call in sick.”
He growled as he pushed himself up and stood. “This job doesn’t allow sick days.”
I let out a breathy sigh as I gazed up at him. I’d fully planned on having sex with Cole, but what we’d shared last night was perfect. He kissed me one last time before lifting himself off me and moving toward the door. He turned back with a wicked grin and said, “Remember, the slow burn is the best part.” I tossed a pillow at the door just as it latched closed. He’d purred those very words into my neck last night when I begged him to take me, all of me.
I climbed out of bed and moved to the window, tugging my robe on as I went, wanting to watch him drive away. Another car pulled up just as his truck started down the driveway, and at the realization of who the newcomer was, my heart dropped, the lingering sensations of our night together dissipating.
It was my father.
The drive home took an eternity as I half expected to see the sedan barreling after me. Finally parked in front of my house, I let my head drop to rest on the steering wheel. I’d just spent one of the most incredible nights of my life with Emalee, and of course, her father showed up just as I was leaving at the crack of dawn.
The Kepner curse never stopped throwing punches.
Trudging into the house, I found Annie, Bailor, and Joe in the den whispering quietly while my mother slept.
“What’s going on?” I asked, sensing something had changed overnight.
Annie looked away, but not before I caught the well of tears in her eyes.
“She hasn’t woken up in about fourteen hours,”
Joe finally answered. “We can’t rouse her.”
My chest tightened like a fist. “Why didn’t you call me?”
Bailor held his hand up to keep me from flying off the handle. “We thought maybe she was just really tired. There wasn’t anything you could do.”
Annie bowed her head. “Boys, it’s time for us to call hospice.”
I shook my head, frantic with disbelief. “We don’t know she’s that close.”
Annie met my gaze, her eyes pleading with me to understand. “She’s ready, Cole.”
Emotion rushed me, burning my eyes and my throat. This was it. My mother was going to die.
I took my time coming downstairs. I wasn’t sure what my father would say, but I had a plan.
Denial.
A full-frontal assault of playing dumb.
No, Daddy. Cole wasn’t here all night. My bike broke again, and they fixed it last night. He brought it to me first thing this morning before they got started with their day.
I was damn proud of myself for that genius explanation. Until I entered the kitchen where Daddy was washing the dinner plates and glasses I’d left in the sink from the night before.
Okay, on to plan B.
Pretend like you don’t know that he knows and pray he lets it slide.
“Hey, Daddy,” I beamed as I rushed to hug him.
He hugged me back, but it was weak.
“Sit down, Emalee,” he instructed. A part of me wanted to continue with the charade, look abashed and confused by his tone and abrupt order, but I decided it was better to just get it over with. No girl wanted to have the conversation we were about to have, but ultimately, I was eighteen now. As difficult as that might be for him to accept, he was going to have to come to terms with it.
I slid a chair out from the table and sat, resting my hands in my lap. He stood at the sink, arms crossed, staring out the window. Bags hung under his eyes and a few days of growth covered his jaw.
I waited as long as I could before the silence became unbearable and finally said, “I didn’t think you were coming back this summer.”
“Where’s your mother?”
I blinked a few times. I didn’t know, but I worried admitting it would only make things worse between them. “She left yesterday. She didn’t tell me where she was going.”
He hung his head and snorted. “Did she say when she’d be back?”
“Tomorrow. Where have you been?”
Turning, he leaned against the counter, his arms still crossed. “I’m disappointed in you, Emalee.”
My eyes widened.
“You’re by yourself all of one night, and you had that simpleton spending the night. I thought you were smarter than that.”
My mouth dropped open in shock. “I’m eighteen, Daddy. I know you will always think of me as a little girl, but I’m not anymore.”
He tilted his head expelling a snicker. “Do you think I’ve poured all this time and money into your music just so you could get knocked up by some nobody and ruin your life?”
“Cole is not a nobody. You don’t even know him,” I argued, my volume rising.
“I know you are out of his league.”
Narrowing my eyes, I stood and slammed the chair back under the table. “You know what. Don’t take your problems with Mama out on me. The two of you forced me to come to this godforsaken place, where I knew no one, and refused to let me even drive anywhere. Then,” I flung an arm out, “you both left me. That simpleton and his family are the only reason I survived this summer.”
“Well, we’re going back to Texas.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are,” he insisted. “You will do as you’re told, young lady, or you can figure out your musical career all on your own.”
My jaw felt like it hit the floor. My father was giving me an ultimatum. Leave Cole or lose his help. I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me.
Before I could muster any sort of response, the phone rang.
I yanked the receiver from its cradle, my eyes never leaving my fathers. “Hello,” I said, forcing myself to sound calm.
“Em, it’s Annie.”
My anger melted away. “Annie, what is it?”
“Emalee, we’re close.”
Emalee came as soon as Annie called and stayed with us from morning until night. Our lives, our general existence seemed to be on pause as our mother began to let go. A few hours before my mother passed away, I came inside and found Annie leaning against the wall just outside the den, her eyes closed. It took me a moment to realize she was giving Emalee some time alone with Mom. I leaned against the wall across the hallway from Annie and out of Emalee’s sight line, though I could see her. Emalee was sitting beside my mother on the bed, her hand resting on Mom’s, the black guitar perched on her leg.
“Annie said you could probably still hear me.” She sniffled a few times before clearing her throat. “There are so many things I want to say to you, that I feel like I should say to you. I know how you’ve suffered, but it’s so hard to think of you leaving us; of letting you go. It’s funny how selfless and selfish love can be. The battle between loving someone enough to let them go because it’s best for them and loving them so much it’s killing you to lose them.” She sniffled again. “Ironic, isn’t it?”
After a long moment of quiet, Emalee began strumming the guitar and started singing Go Rest High on That Mountain by Vince Gill. The song nearly took me down as Emalee sang it quietly, her voice raspy with emotion. The words were tragically poetic when matched with my mother’s death. I let my head hang just as I felt a hand on my shoulder. Bailor pulled me back, and I could see he was fighting the tears as much as I was. Joe emerged through the kitchen doorway, listening to Emalee sing. Bailor rested his hand on Joe’s shoulder, too.
Annie kept her eyes closed, and neither my brothers nor I spoke as Emalee continued to sing, but we kept the hold on each other and nodded. Stay strong. That’s what was said in the silence between us. Stay strong.
It rained the day Constance passed away. It seemed fitting. We were all weeping, so Mother Nature might as well weep too. The coroner had already come and taken her body. Instead of a casket and traditional funeral, Constance had wanted to be cremated and have her ashes spread over her husband’s grave, and Bailor and Cole had gone into town to finalize the arrangements while I stayed behind with Joe to start cleaning up for the wake. I stood beside him as we quietly stared at the space, the pitter patter of rain drops on the roof providing a soft white noise to the agonizing pain that filled the room.
“Should I strip the bed and wash everything?”
Joe rubbed his face with both hands and inhaled deeply. The bags under his eyes and unbrushed hair matched the sadness and fatigue in his gaze. “We’re going to throw some things away. Will you grab some of those big garbage bags from under the sink in the kitchen?”
“Yeah.”
He began unhooking cords as I went to the kitchen. I grabbed the box of garbage bags and was on my way back when a stack of papers caught my eye. Specifically, the one on top with a big red stamp that said NOTICE. I picked it up and my stomach knotted. The bank was going to foreclose on the farm. They were three payments behind.
“What are you doing?”
My head jerked at the sound of Joe’s voice. He was parked in the doorway of the kitchen, watching me with his brow furrowed.
Nervousness jittered through me, and with a shaky hand I set down the notice letter. “I just…” I met his gaze. I wanted to lie and say it was on the floor when I found it. That I was just picking it up, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t lie to Joe. “I’m sorry,” I shook my head at a loss for words. “I shouldn’t have looked at that.” I dropped my eyes, shame threading through me.
After a moment, the tension in his forehead eased and his expression dulled. “The grain did decent this year, but not as well as we’d hoped. It just wasn’t enough,” he explained. “Mom’s medical expenses were just more than I expected. We
have enough to get us caught up on the mortgage and the bills we’re behind on, but that’s it. We don’t have enough to plant a new crop.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “There’s just not enough to cover it all.”
“What will you do?”
Letting his head drop, he exhaled. “We’ll figure it out, Emalee; we always do. Don’t worry. We can’t lose this farm. It’s all we have left.” With that he rolled backwards heading back to the den. “Bring those trash bags, would ya?”
As I followed after him, I wondered what I could do. I had some money saved. Cole had declined my offer and insisted I never bring it up again. I didn’t want to disrespect him, but this was serious. They were on the brink of losing their home. My savings would be enough to catch them up on the mortgage, at the very least. I had to make them see reason, but deep down I knew they’d never take money from me. The Kepners were proud men, each in their own way, but still…I had to try.
“Joe, I’ve got twenty thousand dollars saved up,” I blurted. “I’ve been saving every dime I’ve ever earned—” I began but he cut me off.
“No, Emalee. Don’t even go there,” he said as he continued to the den.
“But…”
“I said no.” His tone wasn’t harsh, but I saw the anger flare in his eyes when he wheeled around to face me. “You’re a nice girl, Emalee, and I have a pretty good idea what you’re trying to offer, but you need to let it go. Don’t even say the words out loud; not today, not ever.”
I held his gaze for a long moment before I finally nodded.
“Thank you,” he said then looked away. Letting out a deep breath, he turned back and met my gaze again. “Not just for this,” he motioned between us indicating the conversation we’d just had. “For everything.”
As I absorbed the immense gratitude coming off him in waves, for the briefest of moments I saw the man he kept buried deep inside himself. The man who loved his family more than anything, and would do whatever necessary to keep them together.
