But I was too angry to stop fighting.
“Please spare me your righteous speech about my behavior toward your girlfriends. I’m not the one who leads them on and then drops them like a bad habit,” I sneered.
Adam looked shocked by my accusation. Hurt even. For a moment I wished I hadn’t said it, wished I could call it back.
But then Adam’s face hardened. “I’ve treated every girl I’ve ever dated better than Ryan ever treated you.”
Blood rushed to my face in anger and embarassment.
“You’re such a hypocrite,” I spit out. “You’re standing here making me sound like a witch because I dare to judge your girlfriends but you never gave Ryan a chance. You hated him from day one.”
“You’re right, I didn’t like Ryan,” Adam admitted. “But what’s worse is I didn’t like you when you were around him.”
That hurt. That really hurt.
I felt like I’d just been suckerpunched.
Adam seemed to realize he’d crossed the line and he raked a hand through his permanently disheveled hair.
“Look, I didn’t mean that, ok? I just meant...” He trailed off but I refused to let it go.
“So you didn’t like me? That’s just great. My best friend in the world doesn’t like me. Tell me, what did I do that was so bad?”
It wasn’t every day your best friend told you how much you suck to your face and a sick part of me wanted to hear it. No, I needed to hear it.
He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, his anger replaced by weariness.
“You just weren’t yourself around him. You’ve always been so carefree, so independent, you never gave a damn what anyone thought of you. I’ve always loved that about you. And then suddenly some jackass with a guitar comes along and you...you...”
“I what?” I demanded.
“You lost yourself,” he said.
And just like that I felt the boiling hot rage evaporate. Because that was exactly how I felt when Ryan was around. Like I was lost. Like his was the only opinion that mattered, that getting his approval and his love was more important than anything. And I hated that feeling.
Hearing Adam say it and realizing that it was the truth made me feel more pathetic than I could’ve imagined. But I was still hurt and couldn’t bring myself to admit that he was right. It was too humiliating.
“I’m going home,” I said.
“Evie wait,” Adam said.
But I couldn’t talk to him anymore. His words had stung and I was hurt and angry—but who was I even angry with? Adam? Ryan?
Nope. I was wallowing in good old-fashioned self-hatred as I made my way back home alone.
Chapter Fourteen
There’s no denying it—I wussed out the next morning.
I hate confrontations but even worse than fighting with a friend is the aftermath. I abhor that awkwardness that surrounds the whole situation. Everyone is sheepish and acts unnaturally nice.
No thanks.
And that is the only reason I allowed Victoria to get me out of bed at the crack of dawn for a trip to the mall.
Okay, maybe not the crack of dawn, but it was definitely before noon. The stores were packed with shoppers and I trudged along behind Victoria as we went from store to store in search for the perfect dress for the senior cruise the following night.
“I thought you had a dress,” I said for probably the eighteenth time since we arrived.
“Yeah but it’s only so-so,” Victoria said. “I’m looking for something special.”
The look in Victoria’s eyes is downright scary when she’s set her mind on finding something. I’ve learned the best thing to do is stay out of her way. And that’s what I was doing, idly flipping through rack after rack of dresses without ever really seeing them.
I was still reliving the fight with Adam from the night before.
I’d gone straight to bed when I’d gotten home and he was still asleep on the couch when Victoria and I had left the house that morning.
I’d barely slept because I couldn’t stop replaying his words over and over. His words had cut me more than I was willing to admit. And like a true masochist, I couldn’t stop poking at the wound.
As much as I hated to admit it, there was some truth to everything he’d said. Oh, I hadn’t suddenly changed my mind about Ashley, Lindsay, or any of his other girlfriends—but I was honest enough with myself to recognize that he was right when he’d said I’d judged too quickly.
In my own defense, I knew that I judged them so harshly because I only wanted the best for Adam. But however altruistic my motive, he was right when he said that it was hypocritical. I’d hate anyone who judged me without getting to know me.
What was still bothering me that morning was what Adam had said about Ryan.
More specifically, what he’d said about my feelings for Ryan—Could he be right? What I’d felt for him was overwhelming, that much was clear. But was it really love? Could real love make you feel so horrible?
I’d come to grips with the fact that what Ryan felt for me wasn’t as strong as what I’d felt for him. So was it really love if it was one-sided?
Victoria’s voice snapped me out of it.
“Here,” Victoria pressed a slinky blue sheath into my arms. “Try this on.”
It was not so much a request as a command.
“Yes ma’am,” I muttered and headed toward the dressing room with Victoria following close behind, her arms overflowing with gowns.
Victoria had done it again. I stepped out of the dressing room to see myself in the multiple mirrors, but I was already sold. The moment I’d slipped the silky soft material over my head I’d known it was for me. It fit perfectly—comfortable, but slinky enough to make me feel feminine; soft but not dainty. It was perfect.
“That’s the one,” Victoria said the moment I stepped through the curtain.
Victoria didn’t find the perfect dress she was hunting for so we kept going, one store after another. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, I pleaded with her to let us stop.
“Come on, Vic,” I whined. “Can’t we just get a soft pretzel?”
Victoria rolled her eyes at my whiny tone but she relented.
As soon as we entered the food court I was filled with regret. Not because of the calories but because there between the hot dog stand and the taco bar was Lindsay with the ever present April at her side.
And they’d spotted us.
“Hey guys,” April called out. She pointed to the bag I was holding. “Are you dress shopping too?”
Victoria grabbed the bag out of my hand so she could play show-and-tell with April. This led to the two of them comparing notes on which stores they’d hit and which had the best selection.
Lindsay was unusually quiet until she turned to me out of the blue. “I’m gonna go grab some sodas. Eve will you give me a hand?”
“Uh... sure,” I said.
I shot Victoria a quick look of surprise before I followed Lindsay.
Lindsay turned on her heel to confront me halfway to the fast food stall. “Look, I think you and I need to talk.”
My stomach sank. The last thing in the world I wanted was another confrontation.
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked.
That’s right, play dumb, Eve. That’ll work.
It didn’t work.
Lindsay’s look basically said “stop playing dumb” but what she really said was, “I want you to know that I forgive you for what happened with Adam.”
My mouth fell open. “Wait... you forgive me?” I shook my head. This was the first time she’d outright made the accusation to my face and I was beyond frustrated.
“Forgive me for what? I didn’t do anything!”
Lindsay tilted her head to the side and she seemed to be considering my reaction.
For a second I had a glimpse of the Lindsay I knew and liked for that brief period of time when I actually considered her a friend.
“Look, I know what yo
u think, but this... thing with me and Adam. It just happened,” I said. “You guys broke up way before anything happened between us.”
Lindsay’s expression was pure disbelief. “You just don’t get it, do you? I know you guys weren’t hooking up. But that’s not the point.”
“It’s not?”
“No! The point is you are the reason we broke up. He freakin’ loves you. He always has.”
I opened my mouth to object but remembered our newfound “love” just in time.
Lindsay’s eyes grew wide and for one minute I actually thought she might cry. “And you were supposed to be my friend,” she said.
She might as well have slapped me across the face.
“We were friends,” I said. “Or at least I thought we were until you suddenly decided that I ruined your life. But I didn’t do anything. I swear Lindsay, I didn’t do anything to break you two up.”
Lindsay rolled her eyes. “Oh please. Poor sad, heartbroken Eve, showing up at his place every day with your puppydog eyes. I didn’t stand a chance.”
The shock I felt must have been apparent because Lindsay paused for a moment. And when she started talking again her tone had changed. Some of the anger had drained away.
“Look, maybe you didn’t mean to come between us. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Because whether you intended to or not, you are the reason we broke up.”
I stared at her in silence. I had no idea what to say. Even though I knew she was wrong about his being in love with me, I couldn’t deny that I had relied heavily on him during those dark days. And he had spent every waking moment with me. And I hadn’t thought about how that must’ve felt if you were the other woman in his life.
“I-I’m sorry,” I said.
Lindsay glanced away from me, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Possibly the first time since I’d known her, Lindsay seemed vulnerable. It wasn’t every day that Lindsay show a genuine emotion—she clearly was not enjoying the moment.
“Yeah well, I just wanted to let you know that it’s not going to happen again,” she said.
“Excuse me?”
Lindsay brushed her hair back and leveled me with a challenging glare. “You got what you always wanted. You got Adam. Fine, he’s all yours. In a way, I’m kind of glad. At least you both have stopped denying what was so obvious to everyone else.”
I opened my mouth to intervene but Lindsay was on a roll.
“But Ryan is with me now. You had your chance with him but that’s over. He doesn’t care about you anymore.”
Ouch.
“Lindsay, I’m not...”
She held up a hand. “I’ve seen the way you look at him. You’re still hung up on him. And I get it. It sucks to be rejected. But you have to face the fact that he’s moved on. And so have you. Just be satisfied with the fact that you finally got Adam to admit that he likes you and leave Ryan alone.”
Lindsay left me standing there shell-shocked as she walked back to grab April and the two of them headed toward the stores.
Victoria and I both agreed the afternoon was too beautiful to be wasting any more time indoors so we made our way back to the house. I filled Victoria in on the scene as we drove back.
“Whoa,” Victoria said.
“Yeah.”
“Well... I guess she kinda has a point?” Victoria looked tentative, like I would bite her head off for being honest.
I sighed. “Yeah, I guess she does.”
“Not that I think you meant to come between them,” Victoria quickly added.
“No, I know,” I reassured her. “And I didn’t meant to! But I did rely on Adam a lot right after Ryan left. And I didn’t give much thought to how that would affect Lindsay. I guess I was pretty selfish.”
Just when I’d thought I couldn’t possibly feel any worse about myself. It seemed this was to be my week to own up to my own suckiness. Fantastic.
“It wasn’t entirely your fault,” Victoria said, patting my arm as I drove. “I mean, if Adam really cared about Lindsay, he could have made her a priority. He didn’t have to break up with her.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I muttered.
But even as I said it, I couldn’t imagine how much it would have hurt if Adam had put Lindsay first back then.
If I was completely honest with myself, I never wanted to come second with Adam.
I wondered if that was how Adam had felt when Ryan had come along and become the center of my existence.
God, I really was selfish.
Adam was reading a book on the back porch when we got back so I grabbed my book and went out to join him. It was time to bite the bullet.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
Well, now we were getting somewhere.
He put his book down and turned to face me. “Eve, I’m really sorry, okay? I was a jerk, I didn’t mean it, I just—”
“No, you were right,” I said.
The look of surprise on his face was pretty priceless and I couldn’t help but laugh a little despite myself.
His eyes widened even further in exaggerated shock.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” he said, cupping a hand to his ear. I couldn’t help the girly giggle.
“I said you were right.”
Adam raised his eyebrows questioningly. “And just what was I so right about?”
I plopped into the lounge chair next to him and sighed. “Everything. I’m too judgy with the girls you’re with...”
I cut him off with a warning look and raised my hand when he went to cut me off.
“But only because I want the best for you. And I honestly don’t believe any of the girls you’ve dated are good enough.”
Adam rolled his eyes but a smile was tugging the corner of his mouth.
“But more importantly, you were right about me and Ryan. I did lose myself around him and I hated that.”
I scowled off into the distance and I felt Adam reach out and grab my hand.
“But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him,” I said.
Adam was watching me intently. He was rarely serious but when he was it could be disconcerting. Sometimes I had the feeling he was peering directly into my soul.
I had that feeling now but for the life of me I didn’t know what it was he saw there.
“I didn’t mean to downplay what you felt for Ryan,” Adam said. “I’m sorry I said that. It’s just that...”
His voice trailed off and he looked like he was searching for the right words.
“It’s just that sometimes I think... Oh I don’t know,” he sighed. “I guess sometimes I think love shouldn’t be so hard.”
I sighed heavily. I couldn’t argue with that. He’d watched me go through hell and back. Of course it wouldn’t look like true love to him.
“So are we good?” I asked.
“I just need you to do one thing,” Adam said.
I raised a questioning eyebrow.
“I need you to tell me that I was right again. Come on, one more time,” he wheedled.
I laughed and threw his hand down.
“No seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever heard those words come out of your mouth. Say it again and let me savor this moment.”
I reached over to punch his arm, “Shut up, you idiot.”
“Ow!” Adam pretended my punch had seriously hurt him. “Why are you beating me?”
And just like that, the awkwardness was over.
Chapter Fifteen
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Adam asked. “Because we can totally sit this one out if you’re not up for it.”
“Thanks but I want to do this.”
The four of us were walking to the club to see Ryan’s band. I wasn’t exactly reveling in the idea of seeing him again—or Lindsay for that matter—but I was not willing to hide anymore.
Adam had been right. I wasn’t myself around Ryan. I’d given him way too much power over me and that was just wrong. It was time to man up and stand on my o
wn two feet again.
I was ready to make Oprah proud. I am woman hear me roar!
The club was already packed when we arrived. Evidently there wasn’t a lot to do in a town this small on a Thursday night. I recognized a lot of the crowd as classmates. Ryan had always been popular in his unique rebel-without-a-cause, kind of way. He was the sole reason their old band had drawn in the huge crowds—it certainly wasn’t for their amazing musical talent.
“Nice turnout,” Adam said. “Hey, you guys want something to drink?”
Mark and I nodded. “I’ll give you a hand,” Victoria offered.
“We’ll try to find some seats,” I called after them. There were some tables up front near the stage but they all looked taken. We tried to ease our way through the crowd towards the stage.
“Hey, glad you guys could make it,” Ryan said, slapping Mark on the shoulder. He and Mark started talking about music equipment and other things that I knew nothing about so I only listened with half an ear. That gave me ample opportunity to study Ryan.
He looked good. Really good. And why shouldn’t he? He’d spent the year surfing and snowboarding in California, not cooped up with me in a small town in Jersey where a grungy diner was the epitome of a good time. I wondered if he had thought about me while he was surfing in Malibu or clubbing with beautiful people in LA.
Because I had thought about him. I thought about him while I was shoveling my parent’s driveway and suffering the hell that is gym class and driving to and from school every day. I thought about him all the time. And now here he was, Ryan Howard, in the flesh.
Think Oprah, I yelled at myself.
“I’m every woman...” I sang the Oprah theme song under my breath.
Too late I realized that he had said something to me. Luckily the noise of the crowd made it seem like I hadn’t been able to hear what he said. “Sorry, what?”
He leaned over so that he was talking directly into my ear. I could feel his warm breath on the side of my face. It smelled like beer.
“I’m really glad you came,” he said. His voice was low and intimate.
“Me too,” I said. My voice was soft and he moved in closer to hear me, placing one hand on my waist. “I’m glad I came too,” I said a little louder.
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