by Lara Swann
“Morning Kaylee - isn’t this a little early for you?”
“Wanted to let you know I’m coming round.”
How very generous.
“What?”
“I need to talk to you, babe. It’s important. And I haven’t seen you in what seems like forever.”
“I saw you last night, Kay.”
The thought of that - the way she’d looked between Seth and I and said not a word - gave me an uneasy feeling about what she wanted to talk about.
“Really seen you. We barely exchanged two words, and—”
“Yes, yes, okay.”
There was no point arguing - I’d rather get back to a few minutes with the sexy man in my bed than have a conversation that would only end one way anyway. And besides, she had a point - we hadn’t exactly seen much of each other this summer.
“When’re you arriving?”
“Umm…half an hour.”
“Okay, see you then.”
Seth squinted at me with a dubious look, and I clicked the phone off without waiting for Kaylee to say anything else, or we’d get into whatever she wanted to talk about before she’d even arrived.
“Kaylee’s invited herself round. Since I’ve been rather…distracted recently, it’s probably only fair, even if I was looking forward to my morning in bed with you.”
I smiled at him, shifting over onto his chest and kissing my way up from his eagles to his mouth. He held my hips and maneuvered me for a deep kiss before withdrawing.
“It’s alright, I’ve got a few things I need to take care of back at base anyway. Though if you keep that up, I’m not gonna care if she bursts down the door, baby.”
I laughed and pushed at him, reaching over for a hair tie as I started thinking about getting up before she got here. He caught my hand and ran his other through the thick strands, playing with them as they curled over my breasts. He pulled me back to nestle against him and looked at me with sudden curiosity.
“Why do you bother with that? I’m just going to take it down again anyway. I fucking love your hair like this - wild and free. Suits you.”
The unexpected words hit me and I hesitated as confused feelings surfaced. I knew he liked my hair better down, but…
“Just habit, I guess. I always grew up with it like this.”
He raised an eyebrow and I sighed, settling back against the pillows.
“You’ll think me stupid.”
“Well, now you have to tell me. I’ve been looking for an excuse to think you’re stupid since I first met you, baby.”
Against my better judgment, I laughed and shook my head. Then I gave in, and reached across to the dresser drawer beside my bed, pulling out an old framed photograph. I brought it over and showed him the slightly taller, older looking version of myself.
“This is my mother. Was. She’s only a few years older than me in that photo.”
Something struck me and I paused.
“God…in a few years’ time I’ll be older than she ever was. That’s a…really disturbing thought. I don’t feel old enough to be my mother’s age. I don’t think I ever realized just how young she was.”
Seth’s embrace had become gentle, and I leaned into it as he looked at the photo. She was standing with a huge smile in front of the new home my father had just bought - bright eyes shining and long red-hair flowing down over her shoulders.
“You look so similar.”
I nodded, my smile slightly bittersweet.
“I know - apart from the height, we could pretty much be the same person. She’s got slightly finer features, but…yeah. I got her looks, I guess.”
He stroked my back as he waited for me to continue, but it wasn’t my mother that was making me pause. I didn’t have any memories of her, after all - didn’t really feel anything for her except that old longing to have had her.
“So anyway, my hair. I tended to keep it short or put it back while I was growing up - easier to keep out of the way. But in high school, I grew it out, fancying the idea of it. Until my father saw it, the way it fell and curled at the ends…like my mother. He said it didn’t suit me, and I was devastated in only the way a teenage girl could be. He’d never really commented on my appearance - didn’t care about that stuff - so when he said that, I thought it must be terrible. I went running to my grandma - my mother’s Mom - and when she heard what had happened, she gave me this photo, and told me about them. He’d never talked about it - answered a few basic questions, but he didn’t like to discuss her. It was always my grandma that talked to me about her. Thought I should know, I guess. And when I was little, it helped. Imagining her.”
I could feel the slight tension in his body, the way he’d tightened up at the mention of my father. I hesitated to have said something else to make Seth disapprove, especially as I didn’t blame my father for it. Not really - it had been a slip of the tongue, and after my grandma had talked to me, I’d understood.
“He really loved her, Seth. Like, you know how calm and collected he is these days? Apparently back then he was wild and passionate - determined to change the world with her. Losing her broke his heart and I don’t think he’s ever gotten over it, you know. Even now, with Cora…I think when my mother died he lost a part of himself. It’s the way I always pictured love to be - they’re silly and romantic notions, the idea of soul-mates and true love, but I grew up with everything they had pointing towards it. I believed. But it wasn’t always a nice belief. Everyone wants to believe in true love, in a force that powerful, but no one ever thinks about what it would be like if it was real and you lost it. When you see it like that…it feels just as dangerous as it is magical.”
His arms were tight around me and I stopped talking, suddenly realizing what I was saying. My mind flicked back to my conversation with Becky only a few days before and I shuddered, a ball of unease tightening around my stomach. I shook my head.
“Anyway, that’s just me being silly. But my point is, he loved her - and in the end, I remind him of her. All the time, I think, and I’m not quite sure how he deals with it. I killed her, and now he has to live with me looking like her, acting like her…so, the way I figure it, trying not to remind him of those similarities - it’s no big deal.”
I was getting choked up, emotional, but then I’d never talked to anyone about this stuff. It had been a stupid idea to start the conversation.
He took the photo away from me and pulled me into his arms, taking us back down to lie on the bed as he kissed me gently, but I could see the shadows in his eyes.
“What do you mean, you killed her?”
This time a small sob did escape and I shook my head, burying it against his chest.
“She died in childbirth. Giving birth. To me.”
“Ohh baby. My baby-Bella. No. You didn’t kill her, my love. That’s…that’s a tragic accident. It’s not your fault.”
His voice was rough, and I could hear a mirror to my own sadness in it.
He was right, of course. I knew that. I always had, and my grandma had told me again and again after I’d found out.
But somehow, I’d never quite been able to forgive myself for it. If it wasn’t for me, my mother would be alive. My father would be happy.
That feeling had only grown since my grandma had passed away a few years ago, and until now I hadn’t realized just how much difference it made to be able to talk about it.
To have someone there to make it all better.
He held me like that for a few minutes, and I was shocked how good it felt to say these things and be comforted, to have his arms around me and the safety and protection of his touch. His voice. His uncompromising care and affection. His love.
When I started to pull away to get up, he let me go, but his eyes followed me.
“And I don’t think you’re stupid for that, Bella. I think you’re wonderful.”
I laughed at him, but stopped when I met his eyes, and saw how serious he was, letting the way he felt about me wrap around me lik
e a warm blanket.
* * *
“So what was so urgent, Kay?”
We were sat by the pool again, but with the early morning sun and slightly different tone, had forgone swimwear, content with t-shirts and shorts. Kaylee was sat up on her deckchair, feet swung to the side of it as she looked at me, elbows on her knees. True to her word, her expression was serious.
“Tell me what’s going on, Bella.”
That unease started in my gut again, but I ignored it.
“With what?”
“Seth.”
Her eyes caught mine and my heart jumped into my throat. It was too much to hope that my observant best friend hadn’t picked up on it last night, but still…
“What about Seth?”
Those deep blue eyes flashed and she reached over to poke me.
“C’mon Bella - I saw you last night, when you were practically burning the house down together. Not to mention that night at sea, and every little vibe I’ve picked up on since. You haven’t seen me all summer. I can understand why you’d want to keep this under wraps - but it’s me. Kaylee. I thought we told each other everything, and here I am having to pry this out of you bit by bit!”
She was getting worked up - her little tirades always ended in a passionate exclamation. A loud passionate exclamation. I glanced around hurriedly, but there was no one nearby. I wasn’t even sure there was anyone in the house, for that matter.
Thank god.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”
“Are you going to tell me all, or am I going to have to drag it out of you, babe?”
I laughed and shook my head at her.
“There’s not much to tell. Yes, we’re kind of…seeing each other—”
“Not much to tell! For fuck’s sake, Bella - you’re sleeping with your stepbrother. You. The girl who never stepped out of line in her life. Sure, he’s one of the hottest things I’ve seen cross my path, but you! You can’t just shrug and say ‘yeah, so that happened’.”
I laughed and sighed almost simultaneously, shaking my head.
“Fine, but shut the hell up about it, would you?”
I started describing everything that had happened between us - starting with that time back in school - and hadn’t realized how good it would be to get it all off my chest. Especially since Kaylee had always been an appreciative audience - knowing when to ooh and aah and also when to shut up and listen. When I was finally done, she was grinning, and I felt relieved in a way I hadn’t since this whole thing started. Trust Kaylee not to judge me for any of it.
“I’m so fucking pleased for you, Bella. Really. And sorry about all the times I said I wanted to bone him. Unless it convinced you to - in which case, I figure you can thank me.”
I laughed and shook my head, reaching for the peach juice we’d carried out here.
“No worries, Kay - I fully understand the sentiment.”
“Seriously. About time you got something you wanted. You are serious about him, right?”
I bit my lip, flushing a little, but the nod was easy - I couldn’t deny what had been growing between us the last week. Hell, the last couple of months. And I didn’t want to.
She was quiet for a long moment, just looking out at the sea, and her usually cheery face had taken on such a serious tone that I almost asked what was wrong before she turned back to me. She pulled the deck chairs closer and leaned forward to touch my leg, looking at me intently.
“You need to tell your father, Bella.”
My gaze snapped up to her and I frowned. This wasn’t the conversation I wanted to have.
“That’s nothing to do with you, Kay. We’ll…work it out.”
The idea of my father knowing still sent terror running through me, even now that I was pretty sure which side of that argument I’d come down on. Maybe especially because of that.
“No - listen to me. The wedding’s in a week and a half. There’s no more time to work it out. You have to tell him.”
The urgency in her voice was bothering me, scratching at the same awareness inside me that had been there all along.
“Leave it to us, Kay. We know we need to—”
“Babe, you don’t understand. You have to tell him before the wedding. This way, it’s a bit of a mess, and sure he’ll be mad, but at least it’s something that happened before you were ever related. You weren’t sleeping with your brother. If you wait, it will be all scandal—”
“It will anyway, Kay. Seriously—”
“Fuck it, Bella. This is important - there’s a big fucking difference between screwing him now and when he’s your stepbrother!”
“Will you shut up?!”
I looked around, angry now, and afraid that she was going to make the whole point moot anyway.
“Not until you listen, babe. If you don’t tell him, someone needs to. Or you don’t have a chance.”
“What the hell? Just what are you saying?!”
“I care about you babe. I want you to have this - it’s crazy how happy you look together, the way you moved together last night...the stuff of fairy tales, right?”
Kaylee had always been unashamedly sentimental, but the idea that someone else saw the same things I felt had my heart skipping a beat.
“And you need to tell your father. Before the wedding. Don’t let that sour it.”
My heart was beating a hundred times a minute and I glared at her.
“Last time, leave it the fuck alone.”
“No. Not if you’re too blind to see it yourself. I’ve always looked out for you, babe.”
She stood up at that, looking down at me with a strange mix of emotions in her eyes that for once I couldn’t read. But instead of continuing the argument, she turned to leave. Somehow, that made the nerves in my stomach redouble far more than if we’d spent another hour arguing.
“Kaylee—”
“Tell him. For once in your god-damned life take what you want. And do it before Seth becomes your stepbrother in truth.”
Then she walked out, leaving me sitting there as frozen as the ice in my too-cold glass. Despite the warm summer sun, a chill swept over me, and I couldn’t help the waves of fear and anger that pounded through my heart.
We would tell him. Before the wedding. We just needed to work out how.
Chapter Twenty One
Seth
“Seth!”
I turned at my mother’s voice calling out from one of the side-rooms I’d just passed.
Just my luck.
And I’d been hoping to find Bella before anyone saw me. Refraining from sighing, I made my way back to that room.
From the looks of it, it was the “decorations, napkins, and random ideas” room. Bella and I had taken to naming them based on their role in the wedding, and the varied samples laid out within them.
“Hey Mom, how’re you?”
She turned and grinned at me before coming over for a brief hug.
“The wedding’s only a week away, Seth! I don’t know whether to be excited or terrified! Maybe I’m both.”
She giggled and headed back to what she had been looking at laid out on the table. I tried not to get irritated - at least this time she had genuinely put a lot of effort into it, and she seemed to get on well with Terence. It was understandable for her to be excited about her own wedding. Whatever I thought about it.
“I need a man’s opinion. The tailor just called and said that they’re out of this cream colored cloth for the tables, which would have been perfect with all the other place settings. So we need to decide between these and I don’t know whether going with a lilac would be too feminine—”
“Mom, I don’t do this stuff. You know that. Why don’t you ask Terence?”
She hesitated for a moment, then sank into the chair with a sigh.
“He’s busy. He’s always busy, Seth! I mean, I know he’s an important man, but it’s our wedding and…”
Personally, I didn’t think any guy would be interested in debating c
ream or lilac tablecloths, their wedding or not, but my mother had always been a little insecure.
“I’m sure it’s fine, Mom. He’ll be happy with whatever you pick.”
“Yeah. Probably. You don’t think he’s getting bored with me, do you?”
I looked at her with surprise as her mind darted in another direction. I shifted uneasily, suddenly wondering whether this was what she needed a man’s opinion on.
“I’m sure he isn’t. Usually guys say what they mean - and from what Bella’s said, he’s always been busy with work. It’s nothing unusual.”
She nodded, but it was a little disheartened.
“I just…I really want this to work, Seth. It’s been so great for all of us, don’t you think? And Terence is a wonderful man.”
I wasn’t sure whether she was trying to convince herself or me, and I felt the familiar doubt creep in as she continued.
“And it’s been simply wonderful having you around so much. You seem to be getting on handsomely with Bella, too. Isn’t it so good that in a week we’re all going to be one family?”
She seemed to dart from uncertainty to excitement faster than I could follow, and I stopped trying to process it all, cutting myself off before snapping at that sentiment.
It made me feel a little guilty, knowing that the reason I’d been around had nothing to do with her, or with becoming a family. There was only one kind of way I wanted a family with Bella, and it fucking wasn’t as her brother.
Still, it was obvious how much she’d changed, and we hadn’t really talked about it…
“I’m sure it will be fine, Mom. Look, I know where we came from and how different all this is for you. I never said, but I’m glad you finally took that advice.”
The beaming smile she gave me had me shaking my head slightly, but she was already off at a mile a minute.
“You are? Ohh Seth, you don’t know how much that means to me! I wanted to. I wanted to make everything better for us. I’m just worried—maybe I’m not doing it right?”
There was nothing I could say to help with that, and I’d pretty much given all the reassurance I felt able to.
