by Lara Swann
The last few days had been hell.
Complete, unrelenting hell.
Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw his strong, certain face - and the anguish Becky didn’t even try to hide around us. Whenever the kids were around, sure, she acted like nothing was wrong. They’d probably picked up on something anyway, but at least there was a chance they wouldn’t have to deal with the continuous worry, the questions, the unrelenting thoughts.
But when her parents took them, or one of us carted them off on some new adventure - then she could act the way she felt. It was a release we all understood the need for, but it hurt like hell to see. To sit there and be able to do nothing as she raged against the world, or stared quietly off into her own private hell.
None of us knew what had happened - it was classified, and we couldn’t have told her anything if we’d known. We’d just got the news, which in itself meant it had been a few weeks at least. And the longer it was…
I pushed the thought out of my mind, but it was a half-hearted effort.
I’d thought the unrelenting cold, pain and difficulty of the battlefield had been bad. Now I knew it had nothing on this constant waiting, not knowing, and just seeing those around you suffer. At least down range, I could do something - act, fight, survive. Here, all that strength, that skill - all useless.
This was the first time it was someone I knew. The older guys, it was obvious from their pained, understanding expressions that they were no stranger to losing friends and brothers - or the endless torture of waiting to find out what had happened.
It had only been a few days, and I wasn’t sure when I’d start feeling like closure would be better than the hope for his return…but I understood the feeling now, where I never had before.
Bella’s messages had come at the worst possible time, her name flashing up as we were holding vigil with Becky - a heart-rending service to pray for Ryan’s return.
I’d been confident that the thought of Bella would be something to get me through the long, hard nights away - a light and hope that would drive me onward, pushing me to return to the home I’d never thought I’d have.
But this was something that made me dread the thought of her wild-eyed, fiery beauty.
I’d been trying not to see her face in my mind over the last few days - every time I did, Becky’s pain and grief would overlay it, and I was desperately trying not to think of her like that. Of what it would be like if it wasn’t Ryan who was missing in action, and wasn’t Becky waiting at home in forlorn hope. Of how she would deal with it if…
I cursed again and forced my attention back to the road. It seemed incredibly selfish to be thinking that way, but my heart had seized with a numbing anxiety over the last few days, and I couldn’t kill the feeling.
Her messages didn’t help - the last thing I needed was another emergency. Especially when I had a good idea what it was - that wedding was just around the corner.
But somehow, her father’s wrath didn’t seem such a big deal anymore. Being her stepbrother had always been a joke.
This wasn’t.
Those problems couldn’t compare to the weight that was now looming over us. Over me.
I can’t do that to her. I can’t.
I shut the truck off at a lay-by on the high coastal road, making my way down to the private beaches on foot as I stared out at the cold, relentless waves crashing against the shore.
She’d suggested meeting in that private alcove on the edge of her father’s property, presumably to avoid seeing him before we’d had a chance to catch up and discuss what we were going to say. It had been a good idea, but as I made my way over the soft sand, my steps shifting under me, all I could think about was the day we’d shared here before.
The laughter as I’d sprayed her with cream, which melted into soft moans of a need as desperate as the one pounding in me right now. I saw her form already there waiting as I approached, arms wrapped around herself despite the pleasant summer night.
It seemed an echo of the cold I felt buried deep inside, and I wished the relief and joy I felt at seeing her wasn’t overshadowed by the darkness of my thoughts the last few days.
The moment she saw me her face lit up, and she ran to me almost breathlessly, her arms wrapping around me as she held on tight.
The feel of her soft, perfect body in my arms made me groan and I returned the embrace, burying my head in her hair and inhaling her unique scent. The warmth of it wrapped around me, almost making things okay again, before the insistent image of Becky’s grief returned.
She took a step back, still grinning until she got a good look at me - then it faltered, and I wished so badly I could summon a smile to make it better again.
“God, Seth - you look like shit.”
Her hand cupped my cheek, caressing gently, and I caught it with my own, turning my face to kiss her palm before pressing it against me again.
“What—”
She hesitated, and I could read the question in her eyes - but this wasn’t confidential. I just didn’t want to tell her.
Sighing, I met her eyes and answered with a murmur.
“Ryan’s gone MIA.”
I saw the shock rip through her the same way it had me, and she fell into my arms, squeezing me tightly.
“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry.”
We just held each other for a moment, and I couldn’t say or do anything to break it. When her head turned up to look at me again, I couldn’t help myself - my mouth closed over hers. The kiss was soft for all of one moment, and then we were all over each other, the passion and emotions of the last few days overtaking us in a tidal wave as we held each other tightly and poured everything into that one deep contact.
We were breathing hard by the time we separated, and I never wanted to let her go again. I wished we could just disappear and forget the rest of the world.
“So…my dad found out.”
“I guessed. What happened?”
She frowned briefly, sighing as she answered.
“Kaylee told him.”
“She did what?!”
That woke me out of the daze I’d settled into, fury rolling through me.
“Yeah, I know - that was my reaction. She told him that he should ask me about you. But it’s alright, Seth, I’ve thought about it. And while I’m still pissed, we did need to tell him. At least this way, everything is finally out in the open.”
I wasn’t convinced, but at least Bella seemed alright, and it probably wasn’t the biggest concern here.
Just one of the endless problems we had.
Bella was holding her own though, and I wondered whether maybe her father had taken it better than we were expecting. Cupping her cheek, I kissed her gently again, unable to resist for long.
“You seem alright, baby - did the discussion with your father go okay?”
She gave a bitter laugh, pushing against me to look up into my eyes, the pain there making my heart clench as she shook her head.
“No. It didn’t. I’m not sure he’ll ever respect me again, Seth.”
She leaned her head against my chest as she spoke, but although her voice was tinged with regret and sadness, there was a quiet resolution there I hadn’t expected.
“It was fucking terrible. The scandal, the shame…we’d expected that. But throwing my mother back in my face…god, Seth. I didn’t know how to handle it. Doesn’t matter though - just showed me how damn much I want you. How important this is. I told him that too, babe. How much I love you and how fucking sick I am of trying to live up to expectations I can never meet.”
I held her like that as the words came in spurts, jumping around so I only partially followed what happened. It didn’t matter as she cried softly and I kissed and murmured gently.
Fuck her father.
It wasn’t the first time I’d thought it, but every time he hurt her like this, it just sent my blood boiling hotter and harder. How he could be so uncaring about it…
At least she wasn’t defending
him anymore. Part of me was so fucking proud she’d finally stood up to him - that it was for me was enough to have my heart ready to burst.
“H-he thinks I’m…stupid, idiotic…that we’re…twisted. B-but we’re not. What we have is good and right and I fucking love how I feel now. Like I can do anything. I-I wanted his approval so badly, Seth. I did. And I really hope…with you…we can make him understand. But if not - then I don’t care. I’m not going to let his judgment define my life, or make my decisions for me. I want you. I’m going to have you.”
Her eyes were bright with tears, and that ferocity that had wrapped its way around my heart from the start. I didn’t think I could ever love her more than I did at that moment, scared and sure and happy and sad. Hurt, but stronger for it. Whatever I thought of the man, I hated that I’d come between her father and her - but I’d never seen her so beautiful.
“I love you, my Belle. And you’re the most perfect woman I’ve ever known.”
She did dissolve into tears then, collapsing against me as we kissed and touched and reassured ourselves of the other’s very existence.
When I’d kissed the last of them away, I steeled myself, determined to help her fix what our relationship may have destroyed with her father.
“We’ll sort it, baby. I promise. We’ll talk to him again - together.”
She nodded and I felt the ghost of a smile against my chest. Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself.
“So, can you tell me what he said? I mean, I get the outrage and scandal thing. But what did it have to do with your mother?”
She tensed in my arms, but nodded.
“It was…I-I’ve never seen him like that, Seth. The scandal was one thing, but…he hated that…y-you were in the Navy. A SEAL. Said I was a fool for inviting the kind of pain that ruined his life, when my mother died. Most of all, he was…hurt…emotional and scared and hurt. I’ve b-barely ever even seen him angry before, Seth. It scared me. But…we talked about that stuff, and it’s okay. We’ll do it together. Work it out.”
She looked up at me with a hopeful smile, but I’d barely heard the last part of what she said, her father’s words freezing me in place.
Everything washed over me at once.
Ryan. Becky. Bella.
Even god-damned Terence and that worn picture of a girl oh-so-similar to my baby-Bella.
I stepped back a couple of paces in the sand as it all became too much.
I wanted so badly to believe that was all that was needed - that with her in my arms, nothing could ever touch us.
But even Bella’s bravery didn’t drive away the sight of Becky’s face whenever I closed my eyes.
Becky was one of the bravest people I’d ever known…and she’d been shattered at Ryan’s disappearance.
The panic rose in me again.
I didn’t want to do that to her. Force that upon her.
Fuck.
“Seth?”
Bella’s expression had turned confused, uncertain as she reached out to me, but I couldn’t give her the reassurance she needed.
How could I tell her we’d work it out if, one day, someone could turn up on her doorstep and say…
How could I promise her everything would be okay?
It wouldn’t.
Not if that happened to me.
And there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.
She didn’t deserve that. Not my Bella. My Belle.
Living with that…it was too much to ask of anyone.
I’d been right the first time.
And fuck me for having been so fucking naive. Now…
“What is it?”
I opened the eyes clenched shut with effort, running a hand across my head as I hoped my expression wasn’t as grim as I felt. I was pretty sure it was worse.
“Bella…”
Her eyes flashed with concern as I tried to find the words.
“Look, maybe your father has a point—”
“What?!”
Her immediate, disbelieving response made it obvious she’d anticipated what I was going to say.
“I can’t promise you it will be okay, Bella. We can’t just work out something like that. Even together. There’s no fixing…”
“What the hell, Seth?! We talked about that - I said I was okay with it—”
“You can’t just say that! You don’t know. It’s one thing now, but…years down the line, when you have kids depending on you and you’re waiting for me to come home—and it never happens…”
Her face softened momentarily, and somehow that made everything worse.
“Is this because of—”
I couldn’t hear it.
“Fuck. No. Yes. It just made it obvious. I can’t do that to you, Bella. I’m sorry. I should have known, and I was stupid—”
“Damn it Seth, you’re being stupid now! It’s my decision—”
I shook my head sharply.
“No. I’m not doing that to you. I’m sorry, I won’t do it. Forget this - fix your relationship with your father. This was never going to work.”
She stared at me as if I was insane, and it tore me to pieces inside, but I stepped back.
Every part of me was longing to press forward, to kiss her and hold her even if only for one last time. But if I did that, I was lost.
Hell, if I wasn’t lost already.
I took one last look, memorizing every beautiful line of her face before turning and striding away, leaving her shell-shocked enough to let me go.
Chapter Twenty Four
Bella
I have no idea how long I stood there, the outline of his form still burned into my eyes as I looked out at the harsh waves, even though I knew I was completely alone.
Utterly alone.
In a way I’d never felt - or realized - before.
I think I thought he’d come back.
He couldn’t just leave.
And I couldn’t process any of it, couldn’t think, couldn’t feel…it was all beyond me.
So I stood there, staring out at the crashing waves and wondering what on earth had just happened.
My Seth.
My fierce, indomitable Navy SEAL.
I’d never seen him looking so weary, so defeated.
I thought of Ryan - the faceless man I’d never met, but whom I felt I knew - and for a moment, I thought I felt something.
Then it was gone, locked down with every other thought or feeling as I stood there and the waves crashed again.
And again.
Unremitting. Unrelenting. Endless.
The sound of the surf was almost soft, a slight murmur in the night as I stood alone. And waited.
As the slight chill and the inactivity began to seep into my bones, I think I realized that he wasn’t going to come back.
That he’d left me here. Like this.
A few days before my father’s wedding.
A night after I’d thrown that relationship away.
For him. For us.
It hit me then, and I could have screamed. I wanted to. It built in me like a crushing force, but the last thing I wanted right now was for anyone to come running. Anyone, except maybe him.
I threw my head back, hands clenched, as I raged soundlessly at the world.
At my father. Myself. And him.
More than anything, at him.
How could he do this to me?!
Everything I’d thought I’d had - all the confidence, the assurance, the knowledge that I had taken back my own life for myself.
It came crashing down in the blink of an eye, so thoroughly that I wondered whether it had ever been there in the first place.
We were going to deal with it together. With my father. With the SEALs. With life.
Together.
It had been all I’d wanted.
And it was gone.
Just like that.
Because the bastard had decided I shouldn’t have to deal with the life he offered.
The life I
’d wholeheartedly accepted. The life I’d wanted.
Fuck.
Fuck him.
I could’ve dealt with it - with the uncertainty, the difficulty, the risk. I’d wanted to.
That was infinitely better than dealing with this - with his sudden, deliberate abandonment.
Having him beside me had given me the confidence to do anything I wanted - just knowing he was there, believing in me and fighting for me.
I’d known that he’d always be there.
Whatever happened, I would have always had that.
But now I was alone.
As alone as I’d been before, but more so, because now I knew what it meant to be so completely a part of someone else.
I’d been his.
And now…I wasn’t sure what was left.
Pain and anger and grief.
I let the desolation wash over me and sobbed for everything I’d lost.
Everything I’d trusted in.
Everything I’d hoped for.
Chapter Twenty Five
Seth
I took a swig from my beer and stared out into the distance, the dark, overcast skies matching my mood, as Becky and I drank in grim silence.
I’d wanted to support her in some way, but over the last week I’d realized that the best I could do was to be there, and not try to make it better. There was no lightening this, and any attempt felt wrong.
Instead, when I’d arrived, she’d set the beer down in front of me and opened her own. I’d taken the hint and we’d sat in companionable silence since, wrapped up in our own thoughts.
If they weren’t great thoughts, at least we had company for them.
It didn’t help that every time I looked at Becky now, I saw Bella. Her shock and horror as I’d left. The way she must be feeling now.
Ironic, really, that when I’d met her, all I could see was Becky’s grief-torn face. And now it was her that haunted my mind.
My Bella.
My baby-Bella.
Fuck.
Tomorrow would be the wedding.
Not that it mattered - I wasn’t going. I’d give Bella that at least.
My mother would accept the military emergency, with a few not-so-subtle comments, and that would be that. I’d stay out of their life. I had my own.
I should never have expected anything more, and it killed me that I’d hurt her like this.
