by Amy Lillard
April smiled. “Hi, I’m April Franklin.”
“Sarah.” A frown marred her brow as she said her name. Jonah knew she was trying to figure out the relationship he shared with the pretty blonde. It wasn’t something he cared to discuss, least of all with her.
“Aren’t you going to invite me to sit down?” Sarah pinned him with a hateful stare.
Inwardly, Jonah sighed. He wanted to tell her that she was a big girl and this was her house, she didn’t need to be invited to do anything, but that would only lead to an argument. That was all they seemed capable of these days, tearing each other down, then retreating into their own rooms until the next encounter.
April looked from him to Sarah and back again. “Well, I for one would love for you to sit down so I can get to know you better.”
He wasn’t sure, but he thought he heard Sarah mumble, “I bet you would.” Then she turned to him. “Is there any more coffee?”
“In the kitchen.” He took another sip of his coffee to ease the sudden dryness in his throat.
“Don’t worry about me. I can get it myself. You don’t trouble yourself to get up at all.” Sarah flicked a dismissive hand in his direction, then started for the kitchen.
He dropped his gaze to the plate in front of him. It was far better to stare at his untouched piece of pumpkin bread than to meet April’s pitying gaze.
“Jonah.” April’s tone was soft and filled with worry.
He shook his head. “We’ve hit a rough patch.” It was the best way he could explain without having to recite details. It was really none of April’s business regardless of her sincere concerns.
“I should go.” She stood and slipped her handbag strap a little higher on her shoulder.
He couldn’t protest. He was touched that she had come by to see him, but it wasn’t a good time. Might not ever be.
“I’ll see you out.” He followed her as far as the porch. He wanted to apologize for everything, disappearing like he did, Sarah’s behavior, his own hand in it, but the words stuck in his throat.
“Take care of yourself, Jonah.” She gave him that sweet smile. “If you ever need a friend, you know where to find me.”
“Thanks,” he croaked.
She gave a small wave, then skipped down the porch steps to her car.
He returned the wave and watched her back out of his drive. Heart heavy with something he couldn’t name, he turned and went back into the house.
“She’s gone?” Sarah asked. She was standing in the doorway that led to the kitchen. She looked as innocent as one person could.
“Jah.”
She studied him for a moment, then gave a small nod. “You have lipstick on your face.”
Chapter Sixteen
Her life was out of control. Completely. When had everything slipped from her grasp? She couldn’t even say that God was in control. Her life was careening along as she was left to hold on lest she be tossed aside.
She was stiff-legged as she made her way back to her room. Jonah had a visitor. An English visitor. A beautiful visitor.
And she had kissed him.
Sarah wondered how April had met him and how far had their relationship progressed before he came back. Quite a bit, if she took the time to track him down.
But she wasn’t upset about it. She wasn’t. It didn’t bother her that April Franklin was as gorgeous as a fashion model on the magazines at the grocery store or that she wasn’t struggling. That she was happy while Sarah was fighting to keep her head above water.
And Sarah was certain that April wasn’t a complete failure. Not in the way she herself was. She wasn’t even able to do the one thing God had intended for women to do, have a baby.
She pushed the thought away. All it did was bring her tears, and she was all cried out.
She knew what people around town were saying about her. She knew that there was speculation that she might not have even been pregnant to begin with. She had trapped Jonah. She had set her sights on him and then maliciously and viciously gone after him like a hunter with prey. That couldn’t be further from the truth. But to defend herself would only make her look guiltier. Why should she come out and face everyone’s scorn?
She had taken her punishment when it was doled out. She had served her Bann, confessed before the church, and righted her wrong. Why couldn’t it end with that? Why did she have to keep paying over and over again for the same sin?
She shut the door behind herself and flopped down in the chair she had pulled into the corner of the room. She could sit there and look out the window and try her best not to think.
* * *
One day blended into the following as the next church service rolled around. She didn’t want to go, but she had to. She could get away with missing a church service after losing the baby. She could cite health reasons. But to miss again would have more tongues wagging than already were.
Jonah knew it too, so he shouldn’t have looked so surprised when she came out of her bedroom fully dressed for church.
“You’re going?”
“Of course.” She sniffed, grabbed her coat, and headed for the buggy.
The problem with buggies was the fact that they were so small. At least Jonah’s was. And riding beside him all the way to Maddie Kauffman’s was near torture. Memory after memory of that night by the pond flooded back. She would never escape it. That one night had sent her life on a course she had never expected. What did God want from her? She had messed up and paid the price. Why was she still having to pay?
The buggy pitched and she brushed up against her husband. He scooted a little closer to his own door, she knew, so they wouldn’t touch. It was torture to be so close to him and know that things would never be the same between them. They had almost found a happiness together. At least they were well on their way. Then tragedy struck and they were back to the beginning: her loving him and him wanting to be as far away from her as possible.
They pulled into the yard and Sarah got down without waiting for Jonah. She didn’t look back, not able to even pretend that the awful truth wasn’t the actual situation.
All eyes were on her as she crossed the yard. Pitying eyes, accusing eyes. If she could just find her mother or Annie, a friendly face in the crowd. But her family was nowhere to be seen and her friends were Jonah’s friends and she was certain everyone was taking his side.
She pulled her coat a little closer around her even though the temperature was quite warm for this time of year. Christmas was just a couple of weeks away, then a brand-new year with the same old problems.
“Sarah!”
She looked up to find Annie waving at her from Maddie’s front porch. She had never been happier to see anyone in her life. “Hi!” She hurried toward the shelter of her sister’s company.
“Where’s Jonah?” Annie asked.
Sarah waved a hand behind her somewhere in the direction of where they had parked. “Taking care of the horses.”
Annie frowned as she slipped her arms through Sarah’s, leading her to the far end of the long porch, away from listening ears. “How are you feeling?”
She wasn’t. She couldn’t let herself feel anything. If she did, she might fall completely apart and never be whole again. But she didn’t want to say that, not even to Annie. “I’m okay.”
“Sarah Sue, it is a sin to lie,” Annie said in a voice so like their mother’s.
Just add it to my many others. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s good to talk, don’t you know?”
Sarah shook her head. “In case you missed it, we’re not English and there’s nothing to talk about.” The baby was gone. Jonah didn’t love her, and she was trapped in a hopeless marriage with him. What more was there to say?
And the worst part of it all? She could almost hear the whispers behind her back. The bishop and the rest of the elders treated her no differently than they ever had. But she could feel the eyes of the parents on her. The scholars who were old enoug
h to understand. She had thought that once she and Jonah got married, everything would return to the way it was before, only they would be married and having a baby. How wrong she had been. The Amish talked about forgiveness. She couldn’t say it was a lack of that had caused it. But they didn’t forget. No one would forget until the next big thing happened.
She made it a point not to look for her husband as she entered the Kauffman house. Lorie’s fall from grace in discovering that her father wasn’t really Amish and then leaving the district to marry an Englisher wasn’t as big a stir as she was facing. Why couldn’t everyone see that she was just a person with flaws and scars like everyone else? Why couldn’t they look past what was happening to her to how they would feel if it happened to them? Why? Why? Why?
She kept her eyes down and her sister at her side as everyone filed into the house for the church service.
Sarah could barely concentrate on the sermon. She felt as if all eyes were on her, which couldn’t be true. But it felt that way all the same. How did a person survive after loss? How did she go on? She had lost her baby, her husband, the image of the life she thought she would have. And the worst part of all? She had to live with Jonah, go on pretending that everything was all right when nothing would ever be okay again.
She sighed to herself.
Annie reached out and clasped Sarah’s fingers in her own.
Sarah glanced at her sister.
Annie smiled.
At least one person was on her side.
* * *
Jonah could barely stand, his legs felt so weak and stiff. It was as if he had been put on display. At the last church service, he could smile and accept everyone’s condolences. He could pretend that everything between him and Sarah was fine, even if it wasn’t the truth. No one around him knew.
Then the song ended and everyone sat. Church Sunday. He wanted to shake his head at it all.
Because here, with Sarah, all their problems bubbled to the surface. Yet no one would talk about them. He imagined he could hear their whispers, could feel their stares. They had to be talking about it. It was the last thing to happen in Wells Landing and it wouldn’t ease until something else happened to take its place.
The bishop was talking about their responsibilities as followers of Jesus and what God wanted from them, but Jonah could barely hear the words.
He felt someone’s gaze and looked over to the women’s side of the room, hoping that it might be his wife. Instead he encountered Hilde Yoder’s sympathetic gaze.
He gave her a small smile. She returned it and faced back toward the front.
Distracted, Jonah allowed his gaze to roam around the room. Specifically, to the women seated across from him. Sarah was sitting a few rows ahead of him. He could see the back of her head, the slim column of her neck, and the curve of her jaw.
She rubbed the back of her neck as if she could feel his gaze on her.
How many times had he sat in church knowing that she was looking at him and ignoring the fact that she was staring? What he wouldn’t give for her to turn around and look at him now.
But she stayed face forward as the bishop droned on. Normally Jonah enjoyed church. He used it as a time to get back in touch with himself and God. But lately it had become more of a chore. Something he had to do because it was expected of him. Something to endure, then run from as soon as it was over.
He wanted to get back to his old, church-loving self. He knew that if he asked his mother the way back, she would tell him that he needed to get back right with God. Maybe it was time.
* * *
Sarah did her duty after church. She helped serve the men and made sure the children had something to eat, then took her turn at the benches-turned-tables.
Annie sat right beside her, giving her strength with her sunny presence, but Sarah kept her gaze down, not daring to look up from her plate. If the women around her weren’t accusing, then their eyes would hold pity. She couldn’t decide which was worse. Like it mattered. They looked at her one of the two ways, and she couldn’t stomach either one.
Once everyone had eaten, all the groups started migrating together to plan out the rest of the Sunday. The sun was shining, and though the wind held a bit of a chill, it was too pretty a day to let it pass without an activity or two.
Sarah stayed close to Annie even though they had separate youth groups. She needed to stay near a friendly face until Jonah finished whatever he was doing and they could go home.
Annie and her friends were putting the final details to their afternoon plans when Jonah jogged over. “Let’s go, Sarah. There’s a volleyball game scheduled at the rec center.”
Volleyball game? She wanted to go home, not to the noisy rec center. She turned back to her sister, giving her hand a quick squeeze. “I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, Sarah.” Annie’s voice trailed behind her as she approached Jonah.
“I don’t want to go to the rec center, Jonah.”
He followed behind her. “Can you at least wait until we get into the buggy before you start an argument with me?”
She pressed her lips together and marched toward their buggy.
Someone called to Jonah. He paused long enough to wave, then continued after Sarah. She couldn’t see him but she could tell where he was. Why did she have to be so aware of him? Why did she have to know where he was even if he wasn’t in her line of sight?
She waited for him to climb into the buggy, then she scampered in behind him.
“I don’t want to go to the rec center,” she said before he even set the horse into motion.
Jonah sighed, but the sound was more put on than genuine. “Well, I want to go.”
“So?” She was angry. Why did she have to go just because he wanted to? She was tired, worn out. This was her first outing since . . . well, it was her first outing in a long time and she was ready to go home and rest, not watch a bunch of people all happier than her chasing a ball around the gym. She just wasn’t up to it.
“I can’t very well go without you, Sarah.”
“Says who?”
“Says everybody.”
“That’s dumb. I shouldn’t have to go if I don’t want to and you shouldn’t have to stay home because I don’t want to go.” She crossed her arms in front of her as if to add some sort of value to her statement.
“It isn’t dumb.”
“Maybe it’s time to start a new trend.”
“And what? Embarrass myself because my wife hates me?”
She didn’t hate him. She hated the situation. She hated the fact that he wouldn’t be with her if they hadn’t gotten pregnant. And she hated the fact that the baby was gone. She hated it all. And right now she even hated volleyball. “I doubt you’ll be that embarrassed.”
She looked out the window, unable to even glance at his profile. He was angry, that much she knew. But he wasn’t the one everyone hated. He wasn’t the one everyone pitied. And he didn’t have to endure their sad stares and scorn for making the golden boy get married.
Jonah had reached near martyrdom when Lorie left. Most folks understood that she had a family and a life that she knew nothing about. They understood, even if she hadn’t known any different than the Amish world, her need to find out about this family she never knew. And they felt bad for Jonah, who had loved Lorie for so long but who couldn’t compete with the lure of an unknown family in the English world. He couldn’t follow her because he had already been baptized. He couldn’t risk the Bann from his family and his church. So while Lorie had chosen the unknown, Jonah had remained with his face, and the whole community loved him for it.
He didn’t say another word to her as they drove home. And that was just fine with her. Let him be angry a while. It might do him some good. He needed emotions. He had picked up after the miscarriage and carried on like nothing. Well, she couldn’t do that. And if he couldn’t be sad, then he could just be mad.
He pulled the buggy into the drive. She clambered down and marched t
o the house thinking he would be behind her once he put the horse away. But the next thing she heard was the snap of the reins as he set the buggy into motion once again. She stayed on the porch and watched him leave, wondering why he had taken her at her word.
Chapter Seventeen
He couldn’t believe it. He honestly had no idea how the afternoon had ended up like this. But he had taken all he could from Sarah. He was trying his best to move forward, but she wanted to keep dwelling in the past. It went against everything they had been taught their entire lives. All things were God’s will. Some were harder to accept than others, but they all came from the Maker’s hand.
Well, no more. It was time to get out and start to live again. If she wanted to hole up in the house and wither away, fine. That didn’t mean he had to.
He pulled the buggy into the empty lot next to the rec center and tethered his horse. Anger fueled his steps around the building and inside.
The place grew eerily silent. Everyone turned and stared. He had dared to come out without his wife. It wasn’t done. At least not to couples’ events. He could have gone to a men’s singing or a fellowship breakfast. But he was the only married man there without his wife.
He nodded to the first person he made eye contact with and continued on into the gym like nothing was amiss.
Several couples had already started a game. The rec center set up two nets crossways on the gym floor. Currently both were being used while several other couples visited in the bleachers.
Jonah spied Luke Lambright, Titus Lambert, and Ezra Hein in the stands. “Hey.”
They all said their hellos, then a strange silence descended around them.
Finally, Luke broke the quiet. “Uh, where’s Sarah?”
Jonah shrugged one shoulder and acted as if it was no big deal. “She didn’t feel like coming.”
Maybe, just maybe, if he was lucky enough, everyone would think it had something to do with losing the baby and would forgive him his small breach of standard.
Titus cleared his throat and looked back to where Abbie sat in the stands. They would get married soon. Jonah seemed to remember the date was sometime at the end of the month. Luke was still dating Sissy, and as far as Jonah could tell, both of them were too busy having fun to worry about much else. Of course, no one expected Luke to behave a certain way anymore. Not since he had left the Amish to drive English race cars.
