"Men have to learn how to be free," he said to me. "Being a slave is easy. To be a free man you have to use your head, you have to give here and take there, you have to give your orders to yourself. They'll learn, Gav, they'll learn!" But even his large good nature was exasperated by the demands on him to settle petty jealousies, and he could be angered by the backbiting and rivalry of the men closest to him, his justicers and the men of his household—our government, in fact, though they had no titles.
He had no title himself, he was simply Barna.
He chose his men, and they chose others to assist them, always with his approval. Election by popular vote was an idea which he knew little about. I was able to tell him that some of the City States had at one time or another been republics or even democracies, although of course only freeborn men of property had the vote. I remembered what I had read of the state and city of Ansul, far to the south, which was governed by officials elected by the entire people, and had no slavery, until they were themselves enslaved by a warlike people from the eastern deserts. And the great country of Urdile, north of Bendile, did not permit any form of bondage; like Ansul, they considered both men and women to be citizens; and every citizen had the vote, electing governing consuls for two years and senators for six. I could tell Barna of these different polities, and he listened with interest, and added elements from them to his plans for the ultimate government of the Free State in the forest.
Such plans were his favorite topic when he was in his good mood. When the bickering and brawling and backbiting and the innumerable, interminable details of provisioning and guard duty and building and everything else that he took responsibility for wore him out and put him in a darker mood, he talked of revolution—the Uprising.
"In Asion there are three slaves, or four, for every free man. All over Bendile, the men who work the farms are slaves. If they could see who they are—that nothing can be done without them! If they could see how many they are! If they could realise their strength, and hold together! The Armory Rebellion, back twenty-five years ago, was just an outburst. No plan, no real leaders. Weapons, but no decisions. Nowhere to go. They couldn't hold together. What I'm planning here is going to be entirely different. There are two essential elements. First, weapons—the weapons we're stockpiling here, now. We'll be met with violence, and we must be able to meet it with insuperable strength. —And then, union. We must act as one. The Uprising must happen everywhere at once. In the city, in the countryside, the towns and villages, the farms. A network of men, in touch with one another, ready, informed, with weapons at hand, each knowing when and how to act—so that when the first torch is lighted the whole country will go up in flames. The fire of freedom! What's that song of yours? 'Be our fire ... Liberty!'"
His talk of the Uprising disturbed and fascinated me. Without really understanding what was at stake, I liked to hear him make his plans, and would ask him for details. He'd catch fire then and talk with great passion. He said, "You bring me back to my heart, Gav. Trying to keep things running here has been eating me up. I've been looking only at what's to be done next and forgetting why we're doing it. I came here to build a stronghold where men and arms could be gathered, a center from which men would go back, a network of men in the northern City States and Bendile, working to get all the slaves in Asion with us, and in Casicar, and the countryside. To get them ready for the Uprising, so that when it comes there'll be nowhere for the masters to fall back to. They'll bring out their armies, but who will the armies attack—with the masters held hostage in their own houses and farms, and the city itself in the hands of slaves? In every house in the city, the masters will be penned up in the barrack, the way they penned us in when there was threat of war, right?—but now it's the masters locked up while the slaves run the household, as of course they always did, and keep the markets going, and govern the city. In the towns and the countryside, the same thing, the masters locked up tight, the slaves taking over, doing the work they always did, the only difference is they give the orders ... So the army comes to attack, but if they attack, the first to die will be the hostages, the masters, squealing for mercy, Don't let them slaughter us! Don't attack, don't attack! The general thinks, ah, they're nothing but slaves with pitchforks and kitchen knives, they'll run as soon as we move in, and he sends in a troop to take the farm. They're cut to pieces by slaves armed with swords and crossbows, fighting from ambush, trained men fighting on their own ground. They take no prisoners. And they bring out one of the squealing masters, the Father maybe, where the soldiers can see, and say: You attacked: he dies, and slice off his head. Attack again, more of them die. And this will be going on all over the country—every farm, village, town, and Asion itself—the great Uprising! And it won't end until the masters buy their liberty with every penny they have, and everything they own. Then they can come outside and learn out how the common folk live."
He threw his head back and laughed, merrier than I'd seen him in days. "Oh, you do me good, Gav!" he said.
The picture he drew was fantastic yet terribly vivid, compelling my belief. "But how will you reach the farm slaves, the city house slaves?" I asked, trying to sound practical, knowledgeable.
"That's the strategy: exactly. To reach into the houses, into the barracks and the slave villages, send men to talk to them—catch them in our net! Show them what they can do and how to do it. Let them ask questions. Get them to figure it out for themselves, make their own plans—so long as they know they must wait for our signal. It'll take time to do that, to spread the net, set up the plan all through the city and the countryside. And yet it can't be too slow in building, because if it goes on too long, word will leak out, fools will begin to blab, and the masters will get jumpy—What's all this talk in the barrack? What are they whispering in the kitchen? What's that blacksmith making there?—And then the great advantage of surprise is lost. Timing is everything."
It was only a tale to me, his Uprising. In his mind it was to take place in the future, a great revenge, a rectification of the past. But in my mind there was no past.
I had nothing left but words—the poems that sang themselves in my head, the stories and histories I could bring before my mind's eye and read. I did not look up from the words to what had been around them. When I looked away from them I was back in the vivid intensity of the moment, now, here, with nothing behind it, no shadows, no memories. The words came when I needed them. They came to me from nowhere. My name was a word. Etra was a word. That was all; they had no meaning, no history. Liberty was a word in a poem. A beautiful word, and beauty was all the meaning it had.
Always sketching out his plans and dreams of the future, Barna never asked me about my past. Instead, one day, he told me about it. He'd been talking about the Uprising, and perhaps I'd answered without much enthusiasm, for my own sense of emptiness sometimes made it hard for me to respond convincingly. He was quick to see such moods.
"You did the right thing, you know, Gav," he said, looking at me with his clear eyes. "I know what you're thinking about. Back there in the city ... You think, 'What a fool I was! To run off and starve, to live in a forest with ignorant men, to slave harder than I ever did in my masters' house! Is that freedom? Wasn't I freer there, talking with learned men, reading the books of the poets, sleeping soft and waking warm? Wasn't I happier there?'—But you weren't. You weren't happy, Gav. You knew it in your heart, and that's why you ran off. The hand of the master was always on you."
He sighed and looked into the fire for a little; it was autumn, a chill in the air. I listened to him as I listened to him tell all his tales, without argument or question.
"I know how it was, Gav. You were a slave in a great house, a rich house, in the city, with kind masters who had you educated. Oh, I know that! And you thought you should be happy, because you had the power to learn, read, teach—become a wise man, a learned man. They let you have that. They allowed it to you. Oh yes! But though you were given the power to do certain things, you had no power o
ver anyone or anything. That was theirs. The masters. Your owners. And whether you knew it or not, in every bone of your body and fiber of your mind you felt that hand of the master holding you, controlling you, pressing down on you. Any power you had, on those terms, was worthless. Because it was nothing but their power acting through you. Using you ... They let you pretend it was yours. You filched a bit of freedom, a scrap of liberty, from your masters, and pretended it was yours and was enough to keep you happy. Right? But you were growing into a man. And for a man, Gav, there is no happiness but in his own freedom. His freedom to do what he wills to do. And so your will sought its full liberty. As mine did, long ago."
He reached out and clapped me on the knee. "Don't look so sad," he said, his white grin flashing in his curly beard. "You know you did the right thing! Be glad of it, as I am!"
I tried to tell him that I was glad of it.
He had to go see about affairs, and left me musing by the fire. What he said was true. It was the truth.
But not my truth.
Turning away from his tale, I looked back for the first time in—how long? I looked across the wall I'd built to keep me from remembering. I looked and saw the truth: I had been a slave in a great house, a rich house, in the city, obedient to my masters, owning no freedom but what they allowed me. And I had been happy.
In the house of my slavery I had known a love so dear to me that I could not bear to think about it, because when I lost it, I lost everything.
All my life had been built on trust, and that trust had been betrayed by the Family of Arcamand.
Arcamand: with the name, with the word, everything I had forgotten, had refused to remember, came back and was mine again, and with it all the unspeakable pain I had denied.
I sat there by the fire, turned away from the room, bent over, my hands clenched on my knees. Someone came near and stood near me at the hearth to warm herself: Diero, a gentle presence in a long shawl of fine pale wool.
"Gav," she said very quietly, "what is it?"
I tried to answer her and broke into a sob. I hid my face in my arms and wept aloud.
Diero sat down beside me on the stone hearth seat. She put her arms around me and held me while I cried.
"Tell me, tell me," she said at last.
"My sister. She was my sister," I said.
And that word brought the sobbing again, so hard I could not take breath.
She held me and rocked me a while, until I could lift my head and wipe my nose and face. Then she said again, "Tell me."
"She was always there," I said.
And so one way and another, weeping, in broken sentences and out of order, I told her about Sallo, about our life, about her death.
The wall of forgetting was down. I was able to think, to speak, to remember. I was free. Freedom was unspeakable anguish.
In that first terrible hour I came back again and again to Sallo's death, to how she died, why she died—all the questions I had refused to ask.
"The Mother knew—she had to know about it," I said. "Maybe Torm took Sallo and Ris out of the silk rooms without asking, without permission, it sounds as if that's what he did. But the other women there would know it—they'd go to the Mother and tell her—Torm-dí took Ris and Sallo off, Mother—they didn't want to go, they were crying—Did you tell him he could take them? Will you send after them?—And she didn't. She did nothing! Maybe the Father said not to interfere. He always favored Torm. Sallo said that, she said he hated Yaven and favored Torm. But the Mother—she knew—she knew where Torm and Hoby were taking them, to that place, those men, men who used girls like animals, who—She knew that. Ris was a virgin. And the Mother had given Sallo to Yaven herself. And yet she let the other son take her and give her to—How did they kill her? Did she try to fight them? She couldn't have. All those men. They raped her, they tortured her, that's what they wanted girls for, to hear them scream—to torture and kill them, drown them—When Sallo was dead. After I saw her. I saw her dead. The Mother sent for me. She called her 'our sweet Sallo.' She gave me—she gave me money—for my sister—"
A sound came out of my throat then, not a sob but a hoarse howl. Diero held me close. She said nothing.
I was silent at last. I was mortally tired.
"They betrayed our trust," I said.
I felt Diero nod. She sat beside me, her hand on mine.
"That's what it is," she said, almost inaudibly. "Do you keep the trust, or not. To Barna it's all power. But it's not. It's trust."
"They had the power to betray it," I said bitterly.
"Even slaves have that power," she said in her gentle voice.
10
For days after that I kept to my room. Diero told Barna I was ill. I was sick indeed with the grief and anger that I hadn't been able to feel all the uncounted months since I walked away from the graveyard by the Nisas. I had run away then, body and soul. Now at last I'd turned around and stopped running. But I had a long, long way to go back.
I could not go back to Arcamand in my body, though I thought often and often of doing so. But I had run away from Sallo, from all my memory of her, and I had to return to her and let her return to me. I could no longer deny her, my love, my sister, my ghost.
To grieve for her brought me relief, but never for long. Always the pure sorrow became choked thick with anger, bitter blame, self-blame, unforgiving hatred. With Sallo they all came back to me, those faces, voices, bodies I had kept away from me so long, hiding them behind the wall. Often I could not think of Sallo at all but only of Torm, his thick body and lurching walk; of the Mother and the Father of Arca; or of Hoby. Hoby who had pushed Sallo into the chariot while she was crying out for help. Hoby the bastard son of the Father, full of rancorous envy, hating me and Sallo above all. Hoby who had nearly drowned me once. They might have let—At that pool—It might have been Hoby who—
I crouched on the floor of my room, stuffing the folds of a cloak into my mouth so that no one could hear me scream.
Diero came up to my room once or twice a day, and though I couldn't bear to have anyone else see me as I was, she brought me no shame, but even a little dignity. There was in her a bleak, gentle, unmoved calm, which I could share while she was with me. I loved her for that, and was grateful to her.
She made me eat a little and look after myself. She was able to make me think, sometimes, that I had come to this despair in order to find a way through it, a way back to life.
When at last I went downstairs again, it was with her to give me courage.
Barna, having been told I'd had a fever, treated me kindly, and told me I mustn't recite again till I was perfectly well. So though my days were again mostly spent with him, often in the winter evenings I'd go to Diero's peaceful rooms and sit and talk with her alone. I looked forward to those hours and cherished them afterwards, thinking of her greeting and her smile and her soft movements, which were professional and mannered like those of an actor or dancer, and yet which expressed her true nature. I knew she welcomed my visits and our quiet talk. Diero and I loved each other, though she never held me in her arms but that once, by the great hearth, when she let me cry.
People joked about us, a little, carefully, looking at Barna to be sure he didn't take offense. He seemed if anything amused by the idea that his old mistress was consoling his young scholar. He made no jokes or allusions about it, an unusual delicacy in him; but then he always treated Diero with respect. She herself did not care what people thought or said.
As for me, if Barna thought she and I were lovers, it kept him from suspecting me of "poaching" his girls. Though they were so pretty and apparently so available as to drive a boy my age crazy, their availability was a sham, a trap, as men of the household had warned me early on. If he gives you one of the girls, they said, take her, but only for the night, and don't try sneaking off with any of his favorites! And as they knew me better and came to trust my discretion, they told me dire stories about Barna's jealousy. Finding a man with a girl he himsel
f wanted, he had snapped the man's wrists like sticks, they said, and driven him out into the forest to starve.
I didn't entirely believe such tales. The men themselves might be a bit jealous of me, after all, and not sorry to scare me off the girls. Young as I was, some of the girls were even younger; and some of them were cautiously flirtatious, praising and petting me as their "Scholar-dí," begging me prettily to make my recital a love story "and make us cry, Gav, break our hearts!" For after a while I became their entertainer again. The words had come back to me.
During the first time of agony, when I regained all that I had cut out of my memory, all I could remember was Sallo, and Sallo's death, and all my life in Arcamand and Etra. For many days afterwards, I believed that that was all I ever would remember. I didn't want to remember anything I'd learned there, in the house of the murderers. All my treasure of history and verse and stories was stained with their crime. I didn't want to know what they'd taught me. I wanted nothing they had given me, nothing that belonged to the masters. I tried to push it all away from me, forget it, as I had forgotten them.
But that was foolish, and I knew it in my heart. Gradually the healing took place, seeming as it always does that it wasn't taking place. Little by little I let all I'd learned return to me, and it was not stained, not spoiled. It didn't belong to the masters, it wasn't theirs: it was mine. It was all I ever really had owned. So I stopped the effort to forget, and all my book learning came back to me with the clarity and completeness some people find uncanny, though the gift isn't that rare. Once again I could go into the schoolroom or the library of Arcamand in my mind, and open a book, and read it. Standing before the people in the high wooden hall, I could open my mouth and speak the first lines of a poem or a tale, and the rest would follow of itself, the poetry saying and singing itself through me, the story renewing itself in itself as a river runs.
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