SEVEN
DORTMUNDER walked in to the bank, remembering what Miasmo the Great had told him last night when reporting success at last with Albert Cromwell. “If at all possible,” he had said, “do your work tomorrow. If you miss tomorrow, you’ll have the whole weekend to wait before you can try again. The suggestion should be firmly enough fixed to last until Monday, but naturally the sooner you trigger him the better. He could watch a television program Saturday night and somebody on it would say, ‘Afghanistan banana stand,’ and the whole thing would open up in his mind. So if you can do it tomorrow, do it tomorrow.”
So here it was tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon, in fact. Dortmunder had come here once already today, at nine-thirty this morning, but when he’d walked by the stairway and looked down, it was Albert on duty outside, which meant George would be inside, and George they didn’t have primed, so he’d gone away again, coming back now in the hope that Albert and George shifted after lunch and didn’t keep the same posts all day long.
Luck was in. Dortmunder got to the head of the stairs and looked down and there was George. Dortmunder didn’t hesitate, he trotted down the stairs, said hello to George, signed in, and was let through the first door.
There was no one in the small in-between room, and for just a second Dortmunder felt the cold touch of apprehension in the middle of his back. He could see himself locked away in here by a gloating George, everything known, he being held here until the police could arrive. A fitting end to the Balabomo Emerald quest.
But then George said, “Albert will be with you in just one moment, sir,” and Dortmunder’s paranoia faded like mist. He nodded, and George shut the barred gate after him and went back over to his desk.
There were a couple of chairs in this room, but Dortmunder was too nerved up to sit down. He stood where he was, as though he’d been left behind by somebody, like an umbrella, and after a couple of minutes the farther door opened and a stout elderly lady emerged, clutching a Pekingese to her fox, and followed by Albert.
Albert shut the gate and said to Dortmunder, “Just one moment, sir.”
“Take your time,” Dortmunder said.
Albert opened the other gate and let the lady out, then turned to Dortmunder. “If you’ll follow me, sir.”
They went through the inner gate and directly to Dortmunder’s box. Albert inserted the key, asked to borrow Dortmunder’s, opened the box, and at once gave Dortmunder his key back.
“I just wanted this,” Dortmunder said, and took out the envelope full of tissues. He tucked it away in his inside jacket pocket.
Albert used the two keys to lock the now-empty box, gave Dortmunder back his key, and said, “This way, sir.”
“Afghanistan banana stand,” Dortmunder said.
Albert stopped where he was. He turned to Dortmunder, and he looked calmly prepared to be of service. “Yes, sir,” he said.
Dortmunder took out Prosker’s key. “Now we’ll open this box,” he said.
“Yes sir.” Albert took the key and turned away. Dortmunder followed him, and they walked down the aisle to Prosker’s box. Albert used the two keys and opened the box, then stood there continuing to look calm and alert and ready to be of service.
There were a lot of papers in Prosker’s box, deeds and thick white envelopes and birth certificates and one thing and another. In with all the rest was a small black plush box of the kind cuff links and earrings come in. Dortmunder reached into the drawer, picked up the black plush box and opened it.
The Balabomo Emerald. Filling the little box and winking at Dortmunder under the fluorescent lights. Grinning to itself inside the little box.
Dortmunder shut the little box again and slipped it into his left-side jacket pocket. He said to Albert, “All right, shut it up again.”
“Yes, sir.”
Albert shut the drawer and gave Dortmunder Prosker’s key. He then went back to looking alert, calm, ready to serve.
Dortmunder said, “That’s all. I’m ready to leave now.”
“Yes, sir.”
Albert led the way to the first gate, opened it, stood aside for Dortmunder to go on through. Then Dortmunder had to wait while he closed it again before crossing the small anteroom and opening the outer gate. Dortmunder walked past him, and outside George said, “Have a good day, sir.”
“Thank you,” Dortmunder said. He went upstairs and out of the bank and caught a cab. “Amsterdam Avenue and Eighty-fourth Street,” he said.
The cab went down 45th Street and turned right and got itself snarled in a traffic jam. Dortmunder sat in the back and slowly began to smile. It was incredible. They had the emerald. They actually had the emerald, at long last. Dortmunder saw the cabby puzzling at him in the rearview mirror, wondering what a passenger caught in a traffic jam had to smile about, but he couldn’t stop. He just went right on smiling.
ONE
AROUND THE TABLE in the back room at the O. J. Bar and Grill sat Murch and Kelp and Chefwick. Murch was drinking beer and salt and Kelp was drinking straight bourbon, but since it was barely midafternoon Chefwick was not drinking his usual sherry. Instead he was having a Diet-Rite Cola, and he was nursing it. Greenwood was out in the bar, showing Rollo how to make a vodka sour on the rocks, and Rollo was watching with a skeptical frown and managing to remember none of the details.
The three in the back room had been silent five or six minutes when Murch suddenly said, “You know, I’ve been thinking about it.”
“That’s a mistake,” Kelp said. “Don’t think about it. It’ll give you a rash.”
“I’ve been sitting here,” Murch persisted, “and I’ve been trying to think what could possibly go wrong this time. Like maybe they moved the bank since yesterday. Like somebody that works there embezzled the emerald.”
Chefwick said quietly, “I agree with Kelp. I think you should stop thinking about it at once. Or at least stop talking about it.”
Murch said, “But they don’t sound right. There’s nothing I can think of that sounds like the kind of snafu that happens to us. I’m almost ready to believe Dortmunder is actually going to walk through that door over there with the emerald in his hand.” Murch pointed at the door, and it opened, and Greenwood walked in with the vodka sour in his hand. He blinked mildly at the finger Murch was pointing at him and said, “Somebody calling me?”
Murch stopped pointing. “No,” he said. “I was just saying I was optimistic, that’s all.”
“Mistake,” Greenwood commented and sat down at the table. “I very carefully left this evening open,” he said, “on the assumption we’d all be sitting around this room tonight working out the next caper.”
“Don’t even say that,” said Kelp.
Greenwood shook his head. “If I say it, it might not happen,” he said. “But what if I’d called some beautiful and willing young lady and arranged to cook dinner for her at my place tonight? What then, Kelp?”
“Yeah,” said Kelp. “You’re right.”
“Exactly.” Greenwood tasted his vodka sour. “Mmm. Very good.”
“This is a nice place,” Murch agreed. “It’s kind of far from my neighborhood, though, to just drop in. Though if I’m on the Belt anyway, or Grand Central, why not.” He sipped at his beer and added a little salt.
Kelp said, “What time is it?” but as Chefwick looked at his watch Kelp added quickly, “Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know.”
Greenwood said, “If he does get picked up, if Dortmunder does, we’ll have to spring him, of course. The way you guys sprang me.”
“Naturally,” said Chefwick, and the other two nodded agreement.
“Whether he’s got the stone or not, I mean,” Greenwood said.
“Sure,” said Kelp. “What else?”
Greenwood sighed. “When my dear mother told me to settle down to a steady job,” he said, “I really doubt this is what she had in mind.”
Murch said, “You think we’ll ever really get that stone? Maybe God wants us to go straig
ht, and this is kind of a gentle hint.”
“If five jobs for the same emerald is a gentle hint,” Kelp said bitterly, “I don’t want Him to shout at me.”
“Still,” said Chefwick, studying his Diet-Rite Cola, “it has been interesting. My first helicopter ride, for instance. And driving Tom Thumb, that was rather pleasant.”
“No more interesting jobs,” Murch said. “If it’s all the same to everybody, I want things dull from now on. All I want is that door should open and Dortmunder should walk in with the emerald in his hand.” He pointed at the door again, and it opened again, and Dortmunder walked in with an empty glass in his hand.
Everybody stared at him. Dortmunder stared at the finger pointing at him, then moved out of its line of fire and walked around the table to the vacant chair and the bourbon bottle. He sat down, poured bourbon into his glass, and took a swallow. Everybody watched, unblinking. The silence was so pure he could be heard swallowing.
He looked around at them. His face was expressionless, and so were theirs. Then Dortmunder smiled.
TWO
THE EMERALD lay in the middle of the scarred wooden table, looking like a beautiful egg laid by the green-metal-shaded hanging light directly overhead. That light was reflected and refracted a thousand times in the prisms of the stone, so that the emerald looked as though it were silently laughing and chuckling and giggling in the middle of the table there. Happy to be the center of attention. Happy to be so much admired.
The five men sitting around the table stared at the emerald for some time, as though expecting pictures of their future to form in its facets. The outside world was far away, faint dim traffic sounds from another planet. The silence in the back room at the O. J. Bar and Grill was both reverential and ecstatic. The five men had an air of awed solemnity about them, and yet they were all smiling. From ear to ear. Gazing at the winking, laughing stone and smiling back at it.
Kelp sighed. He said, “There it is.”
The others shifted position, as though waking from a trance. Murch said, “I never thought it would happen.”
“But there she is,” Greenwood said. “And isn’t she a beauty.”
“I wish Maude could see that,” Chefwick said. “I should have brought my Polaroid to take a picture of it.”
“I almost hate to get rid of it,” Kelp said.
Dortmunder nodded and said, “I know what you mean. We went through so much for that rock. But we got to get rid of it, and right away. That stone’s made me too jumpy. I keep thinking any second that door over there is going to open and a million cops run in.”
“They’re all downtown beating up children,” Greenwood said.
“Nevertheless,” Dortmunder said, “the time has come to turn that rock over to Major Iko and collect our money.”
Murch said, “You want us all to go? I got my car.”
“No,” Dortmunder said. “The five of us together might attract attention. Besides, if something goes wrong there should at least be some of us still on the loose and ready to help. Kelp, this was your job first, you brought the rest of us into it, you were the first one the Major contacted. And you’re the one that’s been bringing him the lists and things all along. You want to bring him the stone?”
“Sure,” Kelp said. He was pleased. “If you guys all think I can make it across town.”
“Murch can drive you,” Dortmunder said, “and we three’ll stay here. And if the jinx hits again, it would have hit no matter who was carrying the stone. If it gets you, we’ll understand.”
Kelp wasn’t sure if that was reassuring or not, and while he sat there frowning about it Dortmunder picked up the emerald and put it back into its little black plush box. He handed it to Kelp, who took it and said, “If we’re not back in an hour, God knows where we are.”
“We’ll wait till we hear from you,” Dortmunder said. “After you go, I’ll call the Major and tell him to open his safe.”
“Good.” Kelp put the little box away in his pocket, finished his bourbon, and got to his feet. “Come on, Murch.”
“Wait’ll I finish my beer,” Murch said. He was having trouble taking big swallows. Finally he emptied the glass and got to his feet. “Ready,” he said.
“See you later,” Kelp said to the others and went out. Murch followed him, and the others heard him saying, “The question is, do we go through the park at Sixty-fifth Street, or—” And the door closed.
Dortmunder had to borrow a dime. Chefwick gave him one, and he went out front to the phone booth and called the embassy. He had to talk to two other people before Iko at last got on the phone, and then he said, “We’re making delivery this afternoon.”
“Are you really?” The Major was obviously delighted. “That is good news. I’d about given up hope.”
“So had we all, Major. You understand it’s COD.”
“Naturally. I have the money waiting in the safe.”
“The usual guy is bringing it.”
“Not all of you?” The Major sounded disappointed.
“I didn’t like the idea of traveling in a bunch. It could get us the wrong kind of attention.”
“I suppose so,” the Major said dubiously. “Well, it will all work out, I’m sure. Thank you for calling. I’ll be expecting our friend.”
“Good,” Dortmunder said. He hung up and left the booth.
Rollo looked over at him as he started for the back room again and said, “You’re lookin’ cheerful today.”
“It’s a cheerful day,” Dortmunder said. “Looks like we won’t be using your back room any more for a while.”
“Mazeltov,” Rollo said.
“Yeah,” Dortmunder said, and went into the back room to wait.
THREE
THE USUAL ebony man with the light-reflecting glasses let Kelp in, but he did not lead him toward the usual room. “Hey,” Kelp said when they made the wrong turning. “Pool table, remember?” He made motions of waggling a cue.
“Office today,” the ebony man said.
“Oh? Yeah, I guess today is special. Okay, lead on.” Besides, Kelp was just as relieved that the Major wouldn’t have the chance to show him any more tricks he’d learned.
Or would he? The ebony man opened the office door and Kelp went inside and the Major wasn’t sitting behind the desk at all. Prosker was, sitting there as though he owned the joint, smiling amiably at Kelp like a spider smiling at a fly.
Kelp stopped just past the door, but a hand in the middle of his back pushed him on. “Hey!” he said and turned around, and the ebony man had come in after him, had shut the door, had drawn an automatic from his pocket, and was pointing it at Kelp’s nose.
Kelp stepped backward farther into the room, putting more air between himself and the nozzle of that automatic. “What’s going on here?” he said, and now he saw two more black men with guns in their hands, standing against the back wall.
Prosker chuckled.
Kelp whirled and glared at him. “What’d you do with the Major?”
Prosker broke up entirely. “With the Major! Oh, my God! You people are babes in the woods, babes in the woods! What did I do with the Major!”
Kelp took a threatening step forward. “Yeah, what did you do with the Major. What are you up to?”
“I am speaking for the Major,” Prosker said, sobering. He rested his hands easily on the desktop. “I am working for the Major now,” he said, “and the Major thought it would be better if I took over the task of explaining the facts of life to you. He thought the legal mind would better be able to sum the whole matter up in a few sentences that you could then take back with you to your friends. Besides, I made up a good deal of the plot myself.”
“Plot?” Kelp could feel those three guns burning little holes in the back of his neck, but he was damned if he’d show anything but self-confidence and anger. “What plot?” he demanded.
“Sit down, Kelp,” Prosker offered. “We’ll talk.”
“We won’t talk,” Kelp said. “I�
�ll talk to the Major.”
Prosker’s smile turned, became saddened. “Do I have to ask the people behind you to force you to sit down? Wouldn’t you rather we handled all this without violence?”
Kelp thought it over, then said, “All right, I’ll listen. All it is is words so far.” He sat down.
“Words is all you’re going to get, I’m afraid,” said Prosker, “so listen to them carefully. In the first place, you are going to turn the Balabomo Emerald over to me, and you are not going to get any more money for it. The Major has paid you all a total of fourteen thousand three hundred dollars, plus five thousand for that hypnotist, plus nearly five thousand in other expenses, making over twenty-four thousand dollars he has paid out, which he considers quite enough.”
“For a half-million-dollar stone,” Kelp said bitterly.
“Which really belongs to the Major’s nation anyway,” Prosker pointed out. “Twenty-four thousand dollars is a lot of money for a small emerging nation like Talabwo, particularly when it’s paid out for the return of their own property.”
“Am I supposed to be feeling sorry for Talabwo?” Kelp asked. “I’m being hijacked, my partners and me are getting cheated out of two hundred thousand bucks, and you want me to feel sorry for some country in Africa?”
“I simply want you to understand the situation,” Prosker said. “First, I want you to understand why the Major feels justified in making no more payments for the return of his nation’s property. I believe I have covered that point now, and will go on to the second. Which is, the Major would prefer it if you and the others did not cause any trouble about this.”
“Oh, would he?” Kelp smiled with half his mouth. “That’s gonna be tough on the Major,” he said.
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