Lacey would avoid thinking about the word, "Lesbian". Was she in self denial? Maybe, or maybe she really wasn't gay, this was just something for the moment, as the songwriter sings, "if you can't love the one you want, then love the one you're with."
Lacey and Daddy became more intimate emotionally; Lacey missed a nurturing figure since being on the outs with her mother. Daddy was meeting Lacey's needs, when Lacey had no other way to meet them. Daddy enjoys the control in these relationships, the control she was not allowed to have growing up with a dominating and over bearing father, and going straight from a man like her father, to an abuser like her ex-husband.
Word was getting around about the two, Daddy and Lacey. Lacey even got some dirty looks from other women in the Shelter who also had been, or were in the process of being seduced by Daddy. There was an interesting topic for the weekly group, "Sisters on the Down Low", and what are the implications for the Black family and Community.
After some heated discussion at the weekly group, about the impact of the increasing amount of Gay Black women, Daddy and Lacey were up talking before bed.
"Wow Lacey, you didn't say anything the whole group."
"Yeah I know."
"Well, I just thought you would have sometime to say after you and me."
"You know I'm still trying to figure myself out, and what this all means."
"Figure it out? Girl you're a natural, you must have been hiding your true Lesbian
for a long time."
"Yeah, you think so, Daddy?"
"Yes, do you know how hard it was for me? This is how I know what you must have been going through."
"But Daddy you didn't exactly come out in the group yourself."
"Yeah, you're right, just afraid of the backlash, you know how the race hates dykes and fags."
"So that's what we are then, dykes?"
"We are women who love other women. Call it what you will. You can call me a dyke, but I'm a fuckin good one though."
"Is it who we are? Maybe we are compensating for what we don't have?"
"We are born this way Lacey, never let anyone tell you different."
"At Church I used to laugh when the Pastor would say, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
"Oh please Lacey, don't go bringing the Church and the Bible into this. I'm going to bed."
Lacey was to intrigued to fall asleep, so she got the Bible provided with every bunk and started reading. In the morning, Mr. Big Show was doing his security thing when he ran into Lacey on her way out.
The Seduction 2
"Hey you're on your way to the bus? If so, I'll walk with you."
"Sure come on, a little extra protection never hurt anybody."
"Hey, I know Daddy got to you, but understand Baby Girl, Daddy takes advantage of the situation."
"How do you mean?"
"Daddy is a hard brutal ugly bitch, that dykes it because decent men don't want that toad. Doing the gay thing for Daddy, it's not about who she is, but about what she ain't.
A sweet little thing like yourself, you can do better. You're pretty for a dark skinned girl. Don't believe that Homo shit. Daddy knows sisters in here are down and out, and not to fond of men right now. You see that's her play. I've seen this shit before, especially on the police force, gays pushing up on a young brother, or sister trying to flip them. They act like salesmen with that Gay shit."
"Are you just another brother, or sister going against the lifestyle?"
"Look don't give up on the brothers, let this Old Head do you right."
"What, you trying to hook up with me?"
"Hell yeah, I might be old, but I ain't dead. Look here, after your classes, meet me and let be show you a good time. How do you think I earned the name, "Big Show?"
"You're funny, I'll think about it, and I'll call you before classes are over.
Lacey was to curious not to make the call. The Big Show was eager to prove his abilities, and he kept it hood by getting a couple of 40's and taking Lacey to a hourly hotel. They got right to it after a couple of pops of Old E, the old man gave Lacey a big show.
"Damn, you know how to dick a girl down Old Head."
"Hell yeah, I got 50 years experience Baby Girl. Don't need no fingers, or tongue, I don't need to strap on, no fake gun. Tell Daddy that."
"Ha, I know she won't be happy, promise me this'll be our secret, OK."
"Of course, I could lose my job if the Administration finds out, so yeah, we'll keep this on the DL., it's just between me you and the pussy."
Lacey enjoyed her time with the Big Show, but she still needed Daddy. She would sneak off in empty rooms with BS, while still having her shower time, and late night time with Daddy. She was even starting to get close with her male retail management instructor who would soon offer her a proposition hard to refuse. She still felt lost and empty; the sex gave her moments to forget, and minutes of regret and shame.
Let's talk about it
One night as she sat up with Daddy, the room was dark, but the others knew by now what Lacey and Daddy did in her bunk. The dark really hides nothing, they can hear the moaning from time to time. After Daddy finished going down on Lacey, Lacey said something totally off topic.
"Hey, let's go to Church one Sunday."
"Bitch are you crazy, I spent years being dragged to that shit, I ain't going back."
"What, you don't believe in God?"
"God and Church are two different things, you'll see that one day."
"What do you think he thinks about what we do?"
"I don't know what he thinks, I just know what I feel and need. What, you think this is a sin or something? You think we going to burn in hell fire?
Don't give into that fear tactic, it's a game they play, on all of us."
"I feel guilty about some things I do, I just don't understand why, and what the outcome will be."
"You need to come to grips with who you are, and understand if God is a God of Love, then why all the guilt?"
"Just because God loves us, does that mean we can do whatever we want. I mean think about it.
Just something inside of me, inside my head telling me, well forget it then."
"You think to much, you better go with your feelings and try to enjoy living on this rock."
The two went off to sleep with Lacey still feeling uneasy, like she was headed in the wrong direction. She never can forget that person she was supposed to be, she keeps getting further and further away from her.
The next day as Lacey was coming in from class, somebody called her. "Oh my god, Lacey is that you?" It was a women from the family Church, a good friend of Lacey'y mom who works for DHS. Mrs. Simone a women known in Church for her gossip, as well as her beautiful singing voice. "Hello Mrs, Simone, its been a long time." "Oh my goodness, so it's true what they said about you. I could hardly believe it. I just knew you were going to college, and going to be a big shot. You know my Betty, well she is attending Law School, and my Howard just got into the University of Penn for undergrad." "I'm happy for you all, umm, look I have to get my Nikki form the day care, are you going to be here a while?" "OK, sure, I'll be in the office doing a file check, come by and we can talk.
Lacey got Nikki and ran back to her room, almost trying to hide from the whole world; she didn't want to see Mrs, Simone again. And she dreaded the broadcasting of her situation to her former Church. "Shit, that loud mouth bitch just had to see me in here, that fat Opera singer is going to print a newspaper to get my story out now. Betty is in Law School, and Howard at Penn, Like I give a fuck now."
Daddy was coming into the room and heard Lacey talking to herself. "Girl, what you going nuts on me in here? I must be licking that pussy to good, you done lost your mind I see."
"No, it's Mrs, Simone that lady from DHS., she's from my Church. And girl, she's going to tell everyone about me. They used to say in Church, if Missy Simone knows something about you, people in a small village in China are talking about you right now." "Oh shit, that bi
tch got a mouth like that? And you wanted me to go back to being around people like that, fuck that. I'm going to stay with the sinners, they seem more righteous to me."
Lacey was right, it wasn't long before the info was being spread around Church. Lacey's parents had tried to keep her situation as hidden as possible. They just kept telling people Lacey got married and had a baby, and was waiting before she went to college now. The Church now knew about her being in a shelter, they knew she was an unmarried mother, and Mrs. Simone did her research so well, they knew she was a Lesbian now also.
Lacey's parents were so ashamed, they stopped going to service and even thought about moving out of the city, but not before dealing with Lacey.
Mommy
One morning Lacey was told not to go to class, her caseworker needed to speak to her. Lacey was unsure of what to expect when she was called to the office. Her mother was waiting for her in the office, her father was waiting in the car outside, still avoiding, still leaving it to his wife.
"Mom why are you here?"
"Well baby, we found out where you have been all this time, and we needed to speak."
"So, I guess Missy Simone told you all, she saw me in here."
Her mother was silent for a second, and she was almost crying with anger. The tears in her eyes were almost ready to cascade down her face. She looked at Lacey with a world of hurt in her eyes. Lacey knew why deep down.
"Do you know what your little whoring ass has done to us?"
"So, it's not what its done to me, but what its done to you that matters, huh?"
Lacey then got silent not knowing where to go with this, or where her mother was going with it either.
"Say something else, is that all you have to say? You little harlot. You fucked your way into a hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper for you, to the point where you've even lost your womenhood. You from this moment on, better not ever tell a soul in this World, that you're my child. And what now, you going to raise that baby of yours to be a whore, and a dyke like you? You're an abomination under Heaven."
I like me
I'm sorry Momma, I never meant to make you cry
But like M&M said lets clean out the closet
You might try and lock it, and threw away the key
But Lacey is me, Lacey is my life and after this I wont think twice
on being the woman that I am, I might make mistakes
But I'm still on the gas and not the break
The choices I make are the responsibilties I take
I might be a whore and and dyke, but Lacey is somebody I Like.
Lacey lost it, and without saying a word run and grabbed her mother. She started smacking her, and beating her down with force. Lacey's mother fell to the ground clutching her stomach. The noise was heard outside the room, and shelter employees rushed in to break things up. Lacey was taken to an empty room, where she could be heard screaming, crying and saying over and over.
"Fuck you, fuck you, I told you that before. Stay away from me and my baby. If I am a Whore and a Lesbian then that's who I am now, but Im still you daughter bitch, and what the fuck are you, Mom?"
Daddy had heard Lacey screaming; and she ran to find out what was going on, when she found out what had happened, she confronted Lacey's caseworker for allowing the meeting, and not being there to mediate between the two.
"What because she's a self professed Church lady? You just let her walk up in here and jump in Lacey's face? You all are supposed to be protecting us in here. This shit is your fault, and don't blame Lacey for her outburst."
Lacey was taken to an empty room upstairs, the staff didn't really know what to do. Lacey's mother refused medical attention, and she didn't want the police involved. Her heart was to broken to do anything, Lacey's parents dropped of the face of the earth after this. They moved away, and ran from the nightmare of their
Lacey's Journey part 2 Page 4
