by Layla Hagen
"Damn the rain. I've been here for three days and there hasn't been one drop of it."
"So when are you starting?"
For a few seconds, her heavy breaths are the only things I hear. "That's the only bad part. I start right after graduation."
I chuckle. Jess had planned one wild two-week-party marathon after graduation.
"I can't believe we'll live on different continents," Jess says. "I miss you already."
"I miss you too, Jess." It couldn't be truer and saying the words out loud only makes the feeling in my stomach worse. If I thought losing Parker to the strip of land on the other side of the ocean was hard, it's nothing compared to losing my dearest friend.
"Serena," Parker yells from somewhere behind me, "come here."
"Was that Parker's voice?" Jess sneers.
"Yeah, I'm with him, James, and a bunch of other people. It's a long story. I'll tell you everything when you're back."
"You're with James?" she asks, incredulity dripping from every syllable.
"Did you hear the part with a bunch of other people?"
"You're still going to New York tonight?"
"Of course I am," I say indignantly.
I can almost hear her pursing her lips in the pause that follows. Thankfully, all she says is, "Have a safe flight."
I shove the phone back in my pocket and walk back to the group just as they start moving closer to the river.
Parker waits for me, hands in his pockets, a few feet away from everyone. "Come on," he urges.
"This is one lousy place for a party," I say.
He grins, as we follow the others down to the river. "Good thing then there won't be a party."
When we get close to the shore I pick up the courage to look for James. I've yet to decide if I want to avoid him or be near him. My mind warns me that I'd be best served by the former. Every other part of my body craves the latter.
I focus on the sound of the flowing water for a few seconds, and it has a calming effect on me. I find James standing right in front of the river, far away from us, talking to a teenage boy dressed in black overalls with a white shirt underneath. He's got exceptionally short, dark hair and looks vaguely familiar. I have a feeling the two of them are fighting. The boy's arms are folded over his chest. James has a deep frown on his forehead. It takes me a second to realize why the boy is looking so familiar. He's not a boy at all. She's wearing round silver earrings.
Dani.
She sees me too and waves at me, gesturing for me to come closer to them.
"What has she done—?"
"Don't say anything about the hair," Parker warns me.
"Right."
When I'm close enough, Dani says, grinning, "I didn't know you'd be here."
"I didn't know you'd be here either."
"That's because she's not supposed to be," James says through gritted teeth. "She's supposed to be at school."
Dani waves her hands, dismissing his words. "You really think I'd miss celebrating with you, and a good rafting trip?"
I gulp. Suddenly, the sound of water flowing isn't calming anymore, but menacing. "A what trip?" Neither of them pays attention to me.
"Since when are you into rafting?" James asks. "You've never wanted to come on rafting trips."
Dani stomps her foot. "Since now."
"How did you know we were coming here in the first place?" He frowns.
"Parker had his car brought here. And I… sneaked inside the car."
"Fantastic," James says, and I can't withhold a smile. "Well, forget about rafting. You're staying right here."
"I'd like to see you make me." Dani sticks her tongue out as James turns his back on her, heading back to the group. He squeezes my hand gently when he passes me, and the heat outside has nothing on the tingles of warmth that the soft touch of his skin sends through my entire body.
Dani looks at my hand with a knowing smile.
"So what about this rafting thing?" I ask her, biting the inside of my cheek.
"I'll tell you in a sec. I need your opinion on something. What do you think of my haircut?"
"Oh," I say, remembering Parker's warning. "Umm…"
Her smile drops a bit. "You don't like it?"
"It's just so… radical," I say.
"That's what I was aiming for," she exclaims proudly. "James says I look like a boy."
I couldn't agree more, but telling Dani so will surely break her heart. "You don't need anyone's approval to cut your hair the way you want it."
My answer brings a big grin to her face.
"I think it will perfectly match my new status as a college freshman," she says, clapping her hands excitedly. I smile at her. Her enthusiasm reminds me of Jess's before we started at Stanford. She didn't only get a new haircut, but also a tattoo. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. I don't really understand it now either. Going to college wasn't really that much of a change. But maybe I've had the wrong idea about change all along. I went to great lengths to change everything around me after Kate died. I even changed my continent. But maybe things only really change when we decide to change. Maybe the secret to freeing ourselves from our past and our fears lies inside us.
I could try that now. Changing myself—isn't that what Jess told me again and again? That I need to change? New York is a chance to do that. Building a new me. A better me. I don't know how, but a new haircut doesn't seem like a bad place to start.
"Any idea what haircut matches the status of a New York young professional?" I ask Dani, half joking, half frightened. "I'm moving there after graduation."
Now her smile drops completely. She looks at something, someone—my bet is James—behind my shoulder, and says, "But I thought you and James… Why are you moving?"
"I received a great job offer there."
"Oh. Are you nervous?"
"Not really," I admit. For some reason, moving to a new place has never made me nervous. Not even when I was fourteen and came from England. Of course, that might be because I was too overwhelmed by grief to feel anything else. But I remember being as calm about moving as I am now. Ironic how I only seem to move from one place to the other because I'm running away from something, not toward something. Because no matter how hard I'm trying to convince everyone else, I know I would have never agreed so quickly to move to New York if I didn't want to be as far away as possible from James.
What will I do when I run out of places to escape to?
"Well I am nervous," she says. "I won't know anyone in England. Thank God Parker is moving back to London."
I wink. "Jess will also be moving there."
"Jess, the friend with the bar accident?" Her eyes light up. "That's wonderful. Jess seems to like going out a lot."
"That she does." I can't imagine someone better to help Dani become the party girl she wants to be.
"Did I hear someone mention Jess?" Parker asks, appearing by my side.
"She just called to tell me she got that job in London," I answer. "She'll be moving there soon."
Parker's face melts into grimace, and I fight hard to withhold a laugh. Whatever caused the intense dislike between the two of them, it seems to be much more serious than I gave it credit.
"Come on, Parker." I elbow him. "There are quite a few people in London. I'm sure you'll manage to avoid each other."
"Why would you want to avoid Jess?" Dani asks, her eyebrows raised.
Parker scoffs.
If I'm honest, I'm pretty sure Jess won't want to avoid him forever. She'll seek him out just to annoy the hell out of him. That's always been her strategy when someone bothers her as badly as Parker: first avoid them, and then badger them with a vengeance. As I watch Parker and Dani, an image of the two of them and Jess having fun in London starts forming in my mind. Well, Jess and Dani having fun, and Jess annoying Parker to death.
Me, on the other hand, alone in New York. That's a cheerful thought.
"Has James changed his mind about letting me go rafti
ng?" Dani asks Parker.
"I haven't talked to him about it."
Dani purses her lips, walking away.
"Will you please fill me in about the rafting thing?" I ask Parker, fidgeting my fingers behind my back.
"There's not much to fill you in on," he shrugs. "We'll grab rafts, wetsuits, and paddles, then go rafting on the river."
"On which river? Not this one, I hope. This looks like a deathtrap."
"Are you kidding? This is one of the best rivers for rafting in the U.S. Though I have to admit it's for more advanced rafters. Level four, I think."
I scrape my hand through my hair, biting my lip. "How many levels are there?"
"Six."
It's not Parker who answers, but James.
I turn around slowly, folding my arms over my chest. He's already wearing a blue wetsuit and a lopsided grin that takes my breath away. Thankfully, he stands a foot away from me. I think he knows what his proximity does to me.
"I'll go get a wetsuit," Parker excuses himself.
"Six levels, huh?" I mumble. "Well, you can count me out."
"This is absolutely not dangerous, Serena."
"Parker just said this is for advanced rafters. I've never been rafting in my life."
"Which is why the rafts will be filled mostly with experienced rafters. There will only be one or two beginners in every raft. Besides, not the entire river is like this. There are large areas where the water is calmer and there are almost no rocks."
Staring at the river, it's hard to believe there are parts of it that look less deadly. I squirm in my spot, sinking half an inch in the mud below my feet.
"So you trusted me enough to jump from a plane with me, but you don't trust me with this?"
"Skydiving seemed safer," I say.
"Well," he muses, "to be honest, this is a little more dangerous than that. But it'll be a lot of fun."
"You didn't seem so willing to let Dani do it."
His eyes darken, and he shakes his head. "That's because Dani seems to be venturing into a lot of stuff lately. Some of it is really life-threatening. I don't want to encourage her."
"Sounds legit."
"I'd like nothing better than to spend this whole day alone with you, Serena," he says, and his voice seems to have dropped an octave. He takes a step forward, but I immediately take one backward, keeping the distance between us. He freezes in his steps.
"And deprive the others of your presence?" I joke. "That wouldn't be fair."
When there are others around, I can steal those little moments—a slight touch or a low whisper—that make my heart and my breath malfunction, and store them in my little glass box. If I'm alone with him, I'm afraid those moments will steal me instead.
"So what, then? Will you stay here on shore or come with us? It's your call."
I stare behind him, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. The entire group is climbing into the half-dozen or so bright orange rafts that appeared on shore out of nowhere. Everyone is now dressed in the same blue wetsuit as James, and also wearing lifejackets and helmets, both as bright orange as the rafts.
"You fell in love with me," he says. "I assure you rafting is far less dangerous."
"I'll do it."
When I climb into one of the rafts fifteen minutes later, I am positive I have never been so frightened in my life, despite being equipped with a lifejacket and helmet. There are four people on each side of the raft. I sit behind Parker and in front of James. Dani sits opposite me, pointedly ignoring James. I'm wearing a bathing suit (James ordered new ones to be bought for everyone especially for today) underneath my wetsuit, and all my clothes are now in the waterproof bag that I clutch for dear life. Parker takes the bag away from me, securing it at the back of the raft, and gives me a paddle instead.
I grip the paddle firmly and do my best to mimic Parker's smooth strokes, as the raft starts moving. Before I know it, we're speeding among the humongous gray rocks, and I pray we don't bump into one of them because the raft looks like it might not make it. My stomach tightens painfully when I look in front of us, because the river seems to be entirely made out of darned rocks. I grit my teeth when the inevitable collision nears, and close my eyes, expecting to be thrown out of the raft and possibly experience a healthy dose of pain.
But a wave of fresh water splashing all over us and a violent shake-up are the only calamities that follow. Everyone in the raft is cheering. I pretend to be cheering along with them and tighten my grip on the paddle.
"Your hands are going to get numb if you keep them like that," James whispers in my ear, sending an electrifying impulse through me that shakes me harder than any wave could. He puts his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "Relax a bit and enjoy the scenery. It's beautiful out here."
I could do that, I just have to first convince myself that the giant rocks are made out of marshmallows. But as I feel James breathing on the back of my neck, my stomach loosens up a bit. Just a bit.
And then someone—Ralph, by the sound of his voice—shouts from the front of the raft.
"Okay, everybody, prepare yourselves. The first fall is coming."
"The first what?" I shout.
But as James abruptly withdraws his arm, I very well feel the what. It starts in my stomach—a sensation of emptiness, not unlike that of diving on a roller coaster, except there's no seat belt, and no rails to keep us on a safe path. I give up any pretense of paddling and just hold on tight to whatever I can, my eyes closed. The emptiness transforms to lightness, surging to my chest in the free fall. Suddenly, all my senses are alert. The sound of water falling drums in my ears, the air—fresh and striking—fills my lungs, my chest, all of me, and I become aware for the first time of the life serum it is. I wonder how the world looks when you’re suddenly awake. But I'm still too afraid to open my eyes.
The bump announcing the fall is over slams me into James. I open my eyes and find myself cheering along with everyone else. For real this time.
"What's the verdict? Fun or terrifying?" James asks.
I turn to him, grinning. "Terrifyingly fun?"
He leans in to me, a little too close. "You'd be up for it again?"
I hesitate just for a fraction of a second. "Absolutely."
"Good. Because a bigger fall will come farther down the river."
"Oh." I get up a bit, inspecting the water ahead of us, but the next fall must be much farther away, because I can't see anything. The river has changed. There are very few rocks as far as I can see, and the water itself is much calmer. I use this opportunity to take in the surroundings. James was right; this place really is beautiful. On the shore to the left lies a sea of green: oak trees and pines. To the right, the steep canyon wall towers over us, reflecting in the clear water.
"This is the base where we'll camp afterward," James says, showing me a point on the shore farther down. "But we'll go past it. We'll be going lower down the river and then we'll climb back to the base on foot."
"How long exactly is this trip going to last?" Parker asks. "I have a flight to catch."
My throat tightens at his words. I don't want to think about flights right now.
"You'll make it to London all right, Parker" James answers flatly. He pulls aside my hair and leans forward, whispering, "But I'll be more than happy if you don't make it to New York." I'm sure he meant it to sound seductive, but it came out as a plea. I tighten my grip on the paddle and pretend I don't hear him. I think I preferred the river the way it was before, restless and full of rocks. Paddling took much more effort, and there wasn't so much time for conversation. I regret my wish within minutes, when the first rocks appear in sight; they're not like the ones before. They're sharper. More massive. And the water flows furiously among them.
"Ready?" James shouts.
"For what?"
"The next fall. It'll be in about four minutes."
I twist the paddle in my hands, looking ahead of us. A knot starts forming in my stomach as the wate
r propels us forward in savage swirls, the rocks threatening us from both sides of the raft. But the knot isn't one of terror. It's one of anticipation and something else that I don't recognize. Yet as the raft swings us to the very edge and the fall stretches before me, the knot morphs into the light feeling I experienced before, during the last fall. And also, I realize, when I stepped out of that plane. Adrenaline, that's what this is.
And right now, I don't fear it. Not in the slightest. I welcome it. I want it. How is it that it is always around James that I change? What is it about him that makes me forget my fears and inhibitions, and become reckless?
I do manage to keep my eyes open this time when we dive into the free fall. The seconds that follow seem to take place in slow motion. The raft going downward. The water sprinkling in every direction, the drops scattering in a million pieces as they pierce the air, only to meld their way back into the river. I stretch out my hand to catch a few drops before they reach the surface of the river again, the lightning-quick beats of my heart—the only things playing out in real time it seems—drumming in my ears.
I stretch out more, rising just a few inches from my seat and hear James cry, "Don't get up," before the raft gives its most violent jerk yet. I slip, and desperately try to grasp something—anything, to secure myself. I dig my nails into the edges of the raft. Another jolt follows and I slip again.
And fall right into the water.
A sharp pain tears through my right thigh, and I open my mouth to scream, but instead swallow a mouthful of water. My eyes are blurry and I have lost any sense of direction. I can't see the orange raft. Everywhere I look, sharp rocks point at me, and, as the stream pulls me in its midst with vengeance, my only thought is, I must not hit my head.
I know I have a helmet, but I'm pretty sure the mere shock of colliding with a rock will be enough to make me pass out. I hold my arms around my head to protect it, and then something pulls at my arm, and I think, that's it, I'm a goner. But then the bright orange raft appears in front of me and I realize someone is pulling me back inside it.
All my limbs turn to rubber when I thump inside the raft. James holds me tight against his chest, and I cling to him, shaking, tears and water drops streaming down my face.
