by L. B. Dunbar
“How can I believe you?” Her eyes filled with liquid as she questioned mine. “I know nothing about you.” She paused. “You lied to me.” Her tone was bitter.
“We were pretending,” I stated, straightening in my defense.
“I wasn’t pretending,” she gasped, running a hand through her messy hair. “I never lied about me. You … you did.” Her voice grew shaky.
“I didn’t lie to you. Absolutely did not lie.”
“You didn’t tell all the truth,” she stated, completely flabbergasted with me as her hand lowered and slapped at her thigh.
“I…” I didn’t know what more to say. “Don’t lump me with him,” I snapped.
“How dare you!”
“You did dare me, Emme. Sex, remember? That’s what you wanted. But I’m telling you everything right now. I work for the Chicago Fire Department. I live three blocks away. I’m a single father to Jake and Cassie.”
“Who’s Cassie?” She blinked, a sliver of liquid rolled from her eye.
“My daughter. The girl at the bar. She just turned twenty-one and I didn’t want her there. The Square is filled with old horny men and desperate women, and Cassie’s too young to be there.” Something struck in her expression and she stood taller, pulling back against my hands that gripped her arms for attention.
“Desperate. Women,” she choked.
“Not you, Emme,” I assured, but it wasn’t reassuring. She broke my hold by stepping back.
“I’m such a fool,” she muttered under her breath, shaking her head vigorously back and forth.
“Emme, I …”
“Just stop,” she barked. “Just stop right there.” A hand came up to still me, putting space between us. “I’m … I’ve just … oh my God, what did I just do with you …” Her voice caught as she covered her mouth holding in the sob, threatening to escape. Her body shook, and in desperation, I reached for her, prepared to envelop her in my arms, and apologize for holding it all back from her. But she broke free of me, before I even had a grasp of her. Darting up her front steps, she yanked open the screen door, and from the angle where I stood, I saw her run up to her second floor. Her blonde teenage daughter stood inside the doorway, staring me down in eyes that matched her mother’s. Then she slowly closed the door on me.
“Did you know?” I yelled into the phone.
“I might have had an inkling…” Gia answered, sheepishly, guiltily.
“He’s your damn neighbor, Gia. He lives next door. Did you … did you set this up?” The pause was telling.
“I might have worked your phone, then hinted that you’d be interested, then told him some ways to win your heart.”
“Win my heart,” I choked. “He used my body.”
“You wanted to use his,” she reminded me, bluntly. “He was a willing participant.”
“Because he’s done this often,” I retorted. “Oh my God, Gia, did you have sex with him, too?”
“Because we’re friends, and you’re in shock right now, I’m going to ignore the insinuation,” Gia stated, fighting her own anger at my tone. “He did not come onto me, and I did not come onto him. He lives next door and I saw the perfect opportunity to help you.”
“Help me?” I sobbed. “He’s wrecked me.”
“How?” she stated, firmly.
“He lied to me. Did you know he had children?
“You didn’t?” Her stunned tone told she thought I knew.
“He never talked about them. Not his job. Not his ex-wife. Please tell me he’s not still married,” I nearly shrieked and my skin crawled.
“He’s not married, and as far as I know I don’t think he ever has been.”
“He lied.” My voice faded and my hand gripped back my hair, ready to pull it off my own head.
“Did he? Or did he not tell you the whole truth?”
“What in the hell is the difference?” I huffed.
“The difference is, maybe he wanted to pretend, too. He’s a single father of teenage children, and maybe he wanted a little identity freedom, just like you.”
“But I told him what I did, where I lived … I … wait, he knew where I lived because of you,” I clarified.
“Yes, when he mentioned that you had a headache, I explained that you suffered migraines.”
“Gia, that’s personal.”
“Did he come to take care of you?”
“Obviously only because you told him to,” I snorted, feeling more the fool with each new discovery. “So the bike ride, the lunch, the zoo …” I drifted off afraid to mention all the different ways he’d touched my body.
“I know nothing of those things.”
“Gia!” I groaned.
“I’m serious. If you had a real date, he did that all on his own.”
“Sounds like everything else he did was at your direction,” I snipped.
“He did no such thing. He was interested. You were interested. I was simply a guiding light.”
“You knew he was a fireman, didn’t you? You called him specifically today.”
“I won’t deny it,” she chuckled. While Gia seemed to be enjoying her matchmaking skills, she failed to see that she’d failed. Dismally.
“I don’t plan to ever see him again,” I stated defiantly.
“That would be impossible, as he lives next door to me.”
“Well, I don’t plan to ever visit you either,” I assured her.
“Emme, honey, that’s not true.”
I remained silent to emphasize my point.
“Look, I adore you,” she started. “And you wanted this. You needed it. You deserved it,” she emphasized. “And I just wanted to see it happen for you. Nate Peters was a perfectly respectable guy, and he wasn’t for you. You need to be wild and carefree, and Merek was your chance.”
“Well, that chance is over,” I snorted.
“Don’t say that. Cool down, give it time. He liked you. He did, and he wasn’t fooling around with other women.”
“How do you know that? He took me to his brother’s apartment. He could have had days of the week scheduled out.”
“Emme, stop it. He didn’t do that and you know it. He called you each night he was free, and the other nights he was at the firehouse.”
“How can you be so sure?” But I knew the answer. Merek didn’t make a move without Gia knowing, Gia orchestrating everything.
“He didn’t even like me, did he?” I whispered. “He did it all because you asked him to, but why?”
“Of course, he liked you, honey. What’s not to like? He did it because he feels like you. He just wanted to have sex.”
“But he had it all the time.”
“People change,” she responded, her voice exasperated. “Maybe he wanted something new?”
“Oh, right. Forty-two-year old hot guy seeking widowed, round lady. Very plausible.”
“Emme, stop it. He found you attractive. He wouldn’t have slept with you, if he didn’t.”
“Do not tell me you know his sexual history?” My head banged back against the wall. Rolling it back and forth, I couldn’t believe the details she knew.
“I don’t. But let’s be realistic, he wouldn’t have slept with you, if he didn’t find you attractive.”
“He might.”
“A man that looks like him isn’t desperate, honey. He did it because he wanted to.”
What did that say about a woman like me? Was I so desperate? Then again, he was an attractive man, so at least I was lucky in that aspect. His body and his features were overly pleasing.
“Emme, don’t overthink this. You’re forty-two years old. You’re still young, beautiful, and vibrant. You have life in you. Live it. Take charge. Take what you want. You wanted to have fun. Wasn’t it fun? He was good, right? You needed this. He was the ice-breaker. The transition man. Now, you’re ready.”
Ready? I wanted to scream. I couldn’t go through any of this ever again. The reality was I’d never have sex again because I’d never be a
ble to keep my emotions separate from the action. As much as I wanted that sexual freedom to be with Merek, or any man, it wasn’t going to happen for me. I wasn’t built to be a fuck buddy. I wasn’t made to be friends with benefits. I was me, and I needed more of an emotional attachment. I wanted a relationship. The sob escaped me as reality took over.
“Gia, I need to go,” I said through a covered mouth. I clicked off the phone before I could hear her response.
“Mom.” A tentative knock jiggled the door.
“I’ll be out in a few minutes.” Trying to sound cheerful, I gave up quickly. Sometimes a mom just needs a moment in the bathroom to cry. Curling into myself, I sobbed, the second Mitzi cleared the door. Deep, wracking tears of stupidity and heartbreak were muffled as best I could with double coverage of hands over my mouth. I just needed a few seconds, I told myself. I’ll be fine, in a minute.
Two nights later, I curled up on my bed, attempting to read. Some nights, I was tired of all the romance in romance novels. It wasn’t ever going to be like it was in books. On the other hand, some stories were so hot I couldn’t help myself. If Christian Grey was the best sex I’d have, I’d take it. I’d read the book before, so tonight I skimmed for review.
Mitzi entered my room. Summer camp was over. Summer session courses were finished for me. It was August, and we had a few weeks’ reprieve before the cycle started again. School. Work.
“You’re reading that smut again?” she laughed.
“Well…” I didn’t have an intelligent answer.
“Bree’s watching Harry Potter again.” She rolled her eyes. She didn’t understand the love of characters as much as Bree and I did. That strong connection one could feel to someone fictional. I nodded, sensing she had something more she wanted to tell me. She crawled over me, then untucked her father’s side of the bed. Pulling the covers up to her neck, she smiled up at me. For a brief flash, I saw the child in her at eighteen. The little girl who wanted to sleep with mom and dad after a bad dream. She swooshed her legs under the sheets for a second, slicing back and forth under the tight tuck.
“It’s cold on this side,” she mumbled. Her words struck me. Nate hadn’t been a cold man, but I would not have considered him overly affectionate either. We didn’t hold hands. We hardly ever hugged. We didn’t greet each other with kisses like I’d seen other couples do. We were good in bed. Good. Not incredible.
Mitzi looked up at me after tussling the blanket.
“You liked him, didn’t you?”
“Who?”
“Mom.”
“What?” I grinned, despite myself.
“Mr. Whittington. You liked him.”
“What’s not to like? He’s new to the neighborhood and he came here to check on the gas leak in the basement.”
“It seemed like you knew him a little more than as the new neighbor.”
“I didn’t.” It was the truth. I didn’t know him as the neighbor. I didn’t know him as anyone. I wouldn’t have even guessed he worked for the fire department, if he hadn’t arrived in the CFD truck. He was a liar.
It surprised me how quickly the old feelings of Nate’s infidelity rushed back to me. The insecurity of being told one thing, to discover later the truth was completely different. I tried to justify that Merek and I weren’t in a relationship. He owed me nothing, and yet, I believed that common human decency allowed for some honesty from him.
“Jake is really cute,” Mitzi said, a little noncommittal.
“What about Kevin?” Her boyfriend had hardly been around this summer. We usually spent time discussing him at length, but this summer, things seemed quieter in regards to him.
“Mom, Jake’s a junior.”
“Oh.” Heaven forbid a budding senior be interested in a boy a year younger.
“I think Bree likes him, but she makes a fool of herself every time she’s near him. Her friends all giggle and act silly. So sophomore.”
Rolling my eyes, I nodded as if I understood. Ah, the difference between eighteen and sixteen. So worldly, I giggled inside.
“Jake’s fun, but he’s kind of serious, too. I guess his mom left after he was born. She didn’t want to be a mom, or something like that. His older sister Cassie is so cool. She’s twenty-one.”
Mitzi looked over at me.
“She’s going to be a junior at North East next year, did you know that?”
No, I wanted to quip. I knew nothing about Merek Elliott Whittington or his family. Mitzi continued.
“I guess she didn’t like Iowa State, so she decided to come home. If I had to guess, I bet she partied too much. Her dad is kind of intense sometimes. Cassie says he’s really strict.”
“Strict how?” The words edged out.
“He doesn’t let her go out. I mean, she’s twenty-one. Shouldn’t she be able to go where she wants, when she wants? She says it’s because he’s worried she’ll turn into her mom. Drink too much. Sleep around.”
“Mitzi, that’s a terrible thing to say.” My eyebrows pinched in disapproval of her speaking in such a way about someone’s mom.
“Those aren’t my words, Mom. Those are Cassie’s. She says they hardly ever see her. She had some kind of breakdown a few years back and moved to the suburbs.”
Mitzi paused briefly.
“Cassie’s very determined not to be like her mom. Her mom had her when she was eighteen. Can you imagine?” Mitzi shuddered at the thought. “Anyway, she said when her dad decided to buy a new house, she decided to come home. Her grandmother died last year. They used to live with her. She thinks her dad wanted a fresh start. Plus, she said she’d finally have a big room.”
My eyes were pointed at my open book, but my mind wandered through all I was learning.
“You seem to know a lot about Cassie.”
“Yeah, she’s cool. We hang out when I go to Jake’s. Their pool is so amazing.”
I wanted to remind her that a twenty-one-year old wouldn’t think an eighteen-year old was so cool, as she referenced her age difference with Jake. But then again, Mitzi was an easygoing girl, with an open mind and a gentle heart. She got along with everyone.
“How’s Kevin?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.
“I don’t know,” she answered, shrugging and looking away from me.
“What’s going on?”
“I like him. I do. He’s really great, but I just … I don’t know, you know?” Brown eyes that matched her father’s looked over at me. I had to giggle when I recognized I didn’t need to be part of the conversation she was having with herself. I waited for her to continue before I spoke.
“That’s what dating is all about, Mitzi. You don’t have to marry him. You’re trying him on, seeing if you like him. What you like. What you don’t.”
She nodded, quietly staring at the television that was off.
“I just feel bad because there’s nothing wrong with him. I just don’t think he’s for me.”
“Why? Did something happen?”
She wasn’t looking at me when she answered, “I just don’t think we want the same things. I feel like I have things all planned out and he doesn’t have any idea what he wants to do in life.” Mitzi already knew she wanted to study to be a nurse. Helping others was in her nature. Kevin wasn’t even certain he wanted to go to college.
Ah, the wisdom again of eighteen.
“Life will change,” I stated. Mitzi rolled her head to look at me.
“I know. But I don’t think my feelings will.”
I stared down at this miracle that came from me, realizing that there was wisdom in that eighteen-year old brain. While I willed my feelings about Merek to change, they actually hadn’t. I missed him when I didn’t want to, because I liked him, when I shouldn’t have.
“Sometimes it’s just that people change,” I offered, hoping to sound positive. But isn’t that what Gia has said to me. People change. Maybe Merek wanted a change, she suggested. Could I be that change for him? My thoughts wandered back to the
almighty question of why lie?
“Sometimes they do,” she sighed. “Can you fall out of love as easily as you can fall into it?”
Sighing heavily, my heart ached. I didn’t have an exact answer. I wouldn’t say I fell out of love with Nate, but my love certainly shifted with the betrayal of our marriage. The man I married, and thought I’d love for the rest of my life, was not the same man twenty years later. I believed love came in many forms. Without my answering, Mitzi continued.
“I mean, you loved Daddy, but you could love someone else, right? Like, if Kevin died, I would love someone else.”
“Oh, honey. It’s different. Daddy and I were married. You and Kevin are dating. You’re so young. If Kevin died, and let’s hope he doesn’t, you would definitely love again.”
“Well, I don’t think you’re really that old, Mom. Couldn’t it happen for you, too?”
Mitzi turned on the television shortly after that comment and I closed the chapter on Christian Grey. Could I love again? I didn’t want to think of it as again, as if I was repeating what I’d already done. It would have to be loving anew, meaning something different, something unlike what I’d had before. Either way, loving meant being involved with another. It meant commitment and dedication and honesty. I didn’t have those things from Merek. Hell, I’d hardly had them with Nate. My heart ached, as did my head, at the thought that love like I imagined might not be a part of my life story.
Our block hosted an end of the summer party. Unlike the 4th of July festivities a few blocks over, which included fireworks and tricycles with flags, this was more of a traditional party where people gathered their dinner and shared it outside with the neighbors. An open grill was available when neighbors were ready to cook. Coolers were filled with ice, and drinks could be dropped in to share. Children ran up and down the street playing tag. I warned Jake the pool was off limits with the little ones around. Our compromise was a bonfire for teens after nine.
While the party was mainly for our block, Gia told me other neighbors sauntered over and the street would be packed by six. She wasn’t lying. We’d only been living in the house since May, and I knew most of the people up and down the block, especially the nosy ones, but I didn’t recognize half the other people milling about. One person I did note was Todd Swanker.
