The Sex Education of M.E.

by L. B. Dunbar

  “What about the rest?” Her eyes dipped to the hair she tickled on my chest.

  “Maybe we could not define it for now. No labels. Just let it be.”

  She nodded slowly, her face falling in question, but I leaned forward and kissed her. Our mouths meshed, and her body twisted against mine.

  “You seem insatiable,” I said, pulling back from her as her body started to squirm against mine.

  “Do you need to invest in those drugs? You know the ones “to put you in the mood” or for erectile…”

  I cut her off with my mouth before pulling back. “I don’t think I’ll have any issue being in the mood for you. And as for the other thing, I’ll show you how well it functions.”

  My body covered hers instantly, and her thighs opened wide, allowing me to prove myself to her. Yes, we were definitely more than friends with benefits.

  “Where’s Dad?” I heard Jacob ask Cassie while I prepared dinner for the three of us. Grilled steak was on the menu for this evening. I’d been outside but came back in the house to grab some tongs.

  “He’s outside, why?” Cassie answered.

  “Don’t you think it’s strange he’s having more sex than me?” My path to the utensil drawer stilled and I held my breath.

  “He should be having more sex than you, Jake. He’s an adult. Plus, we already know he’s had tons of girlfriends.” Cassie’s voice hushed and I strained to listen.

  “Not girlfriends. Just friends.” I could picture Jake in my head using air quotes to emphasis the friends of my past.

  “Well, either way, you’re only seventeen,” she stated, sounding like the mother hen she could be toward Jake, despite her rebellious behavior toward me. Cassie definitely took on a second-in-command attitude with Jake, ranking her motherly position after my mother, who was the best example either of my kids had.

  “Yeah, well, when will I have it like him?”

  “Never, I hope,” she snorted. “Old love is so…eww.” I turned away from the drawer and crept closer to the kitchen entrance to the dining room. What the hell was old love? And who was in love anyway?

  “I mean, when will I know when I’ve found the right girl? You know, the one I give it up to?” I paused, holding my breath in anticipation of Cassie’s answer.

  “You just know, Jake. It’s just a feeling that it’s the right person to share the experience. But you should definitely wait.” I smiled to myself at the motherly wisdom.

  “Why wait if it feels right, right now?” he asked. I twisted to lean against the door jamb, my arms folded as I listened.

  “Who does it feel right with, Jake?” Cassie asked and when he didn’t answer, she responded, “That’s what I thought.”

  “But it will happen, right? I mean, I’ll recognize the feeling?” he questioned so innocently.

  “Yeah, Jake. I think it will just feel so different from any other person you’ve been with that you’ll just know she’s the one. The one you want to share time with, share yourself with. You’ll know inside your heart, that you love her.”

  How did my Cassie get so wise? My mind slowly swirled with her words. You’ll know inside that you love her. At one point, I thought I loved Janice. I thought love was just that hard, difficult, and painful. Then I realized what had been a moment of foolish lust became a nightmare of time spent trying to give what I didn’t have and she couldn’t offer in return. I didn’t know what love was, any more than my son. I only knew what it wasn’t.

  “Who told you all this? Did Dad in all his, Emme this and Emme that?” Jacob mocked. While my first thought was I do not talk like that, I worried that maybe I did and the kids didn’t like her.

  “Grandma,” Cassie stated, startling me, and I shivered. My mother, she had been a saint, raising two more children after her grown child effed up.

  “Think Dad loved Mom?” Jake snorted.

  “I don’t know. Maybe he did.”

  “But she didn’t,” Jake said, softening his tone.

  “No, I don’t think Mom did,” Cassie replied. They were silent for a second before Cassie spoke again. “Isn’t it sad? Two people who don’t love each other produced us. It’s pathetic.” I imagined Cassie shaking her head, with that famous look of disgust on her face I saw all too often lately.

  “It’s sad, that Mom didn’t love us,” Jake replied.

  “Oh Jake, Mom loves us. She does. In her own way.” They were silent again.

  “Guess Dad gave it up to the wrong girl, huh?” Jake attempted to laugh.

  “Well, I’m guessing Dad gave it up long before Mom, but…ew…let’s not talk about that,” Cassie teased.

  “Think Emme is the right woman? I mean, I think he’s giving it to her, a lot,” Jacob emphasized the last word and I was ready to intervene. Disrespecting Emme wasn’t acceptable to me.

  “I think Emme could be the right woman for Dad, if he let her in. He’s been alone a long time, Jake. I don’t know if Dad knows how to love like that.”

  And out of the mouths of teens, my sad life was summed up.

  “Like what?” Jake asked.

  “Date. Wine and dine. Meet the family.”

  “We’ve met her,” Jake said.

  “Yeah, but she’s still a secret. He talks about her, but we don’t know her.”

  “Do we need to know her?”

  “If he’s going to marry her, we should.”

  Whoa, whoa, whoa. First they were talking love, now they’re talking marriage. This had definitely gotten out of hand.

  “I don’t think Dad will marry her,” Jake said. “He’s not the marrying type.”

  Cassie laughed. “You sound like a woman. What’s the marrying type?”

  “You know, commitment and all that,” Jake replied. Totally enthralled with their conversation about dear ole dad, I nearly fell through the kitchen and dining room opening.

  “Jake, there’s no one more committed to something than Dad, but love is different.”

  “Which leads us back to my initial question? How do you know?”

  Cassie sighed and I smothered a chuckle.

  “Jake, you’re just going to know, okay? You’ll just know.”

  I stood taller now behind the entrance. The comment lingered with me. Would I know? It had been so long, and what I had with Janice hadn’t been anything compared to how I felt with Emme. While I stood in my stupor, unclear if I could define love, Cassie’s head peered around the corner.

  “Did you hear it all?” she asked, sarcastic. Without thought, I reached out and pulled her toward me. It had been a long time since I hugged my daughter, but my love for her was something I definitely recognized.

  Merek and I lay entwined. My leg rested over his hip. His arm dangling over my waist. We were breathless, and still joined as one even though the moment had passed.

  “Listen to that rain,” I mumbled.

  “Hmmm…I like the sound.”

  “I wish I didn’t have to go,” I said, risking sounding desperate and clingy. We’d continued to meet at his brother’s place when we could. It was difficult to find alone time at our own homes, and Merek refused to pay for a hotel room, making what we had seem cheap.

  “We’ll keep using the apartment,” he said, offering the use of his brother’s place as if he owned it. But each night, we still had houses to return to, and children to attend. After years of sleeping, literally, with Nate, I’d gotten used to being alone in a bed, even with a partner. I missed snuggling and cuddling from years long ago. Nate wasn’t a cuddler. Merek might not be either, but I risked my desire nonetheless. I wanted to stay all night with him.

  “Keeping the apartment sounds so clandestine.” I laughed in response.

  “It’s so Fifty Shades,” he replied.

  “How do you know anything about Fifty Shades of Grey?” I laughed.

  “I read. A lot,” he said, stealing my line.

  “That is not true,” I giggled again.

  “Okay, someone told me.”


  The response immediately put me on edge. The only person who would mention such a thing would be another woman, and one rather familiar with the storyline. My mind raced, thinking this meant Merek knew more than just the apartment situation about a book famous for the BDSM lifestyle.

  “Who?” I blurted out.

  “Just someone.” He shrugged to dismiss it, but I couldn’t let it go.

  “Am I enough for you?” I asked, letting my leg fall away from him. One of our phones binged a text notice in the background, but I ignored it.

  “Emme,” he warned.

  “I mean it. Maybe this isn’t enough for you. I mean, you’re used to several different women in what, a week? And I have no idea the variety of things you’ve done, so maybe I seem kind of plain or tame compared to others. Not to mention, you’ve probably done it all sorts of places and we keep meeting here, like some sordid affair.”

  “Emme,” his voice grew in agitation.

  “I mean, what if you are into whips and chains, floggers and flexibility, ties and such.”

  He rolled away from me to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes.” We remained silent for several minutes, letting the patter of rain mix with our thoughts. Lightning crashed in the distance.

  “I don’t like the idea of you driving home in this. I don’t like the idea of you leaving me each night to go home alone. Emme, I haven’t felt that way about anyone before. In the past, I wanted to leave when I was done. With you, it’s not like that, so can we please stop with the comparisons.”

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled and he rolled his head to look at me. He twisted his naked body to the side and reached for my face. Tender kisses sparked flickers of excitement. I turned into him and wrapped a leg over his hip.

  “Again,” he muttered as I ground against him. “I’ve created a monster.” He laughed, but I pulled back.

  “Too much?” In many ways, I questioned what was wrong with me. Why did I want him so much? Why didn’t I feel like I’d had enough of him each time?

  “Never. I like that you’re insatiable,” he said, letting the back of his fingers coast down my neck and brush lightly over one breast. My back arched, chasing the caress.

  “If you don’t want to…” My voice faltered as his knuckles continued down my center and rubbed back and forth over my waist.

  In the distance, a phone binged again.

  “Ignore it,” he said. His fingers spread as he covered the mound of curls at the top of my legs. Fingertips tickled through the coarse hairs, then dragged lazily over sensitive folds. My hand went to his wrist, guiding him where I wanted him to go.

  “Want to take over?” His rough voice croaked. “I’ll gladly watch the show.” The low tone sent a shiver through me, but the answer was no. I wanted his touch on me. My other hand trailed down his chest, but he stopped me.

  “You’re becoming too much for me,” he said softly, and I thought he meant he couldn’t go another round. He raised his fingers to his mouth, sucking them deep for a second, then returned to my center. Cool, moist digits entered me. He told me to hold onto the headboard. My other hand fanned out to my side and gripped the sheet.

  “Take a deep breath,” he said. “Now let it out slowly.” I did as he said, concentrating on each motion. Air in, air out. Finger in, finger out.

  “Close your eyes,” he demanded softly. “Feel each sensation.” His touch was so tender, my folds already sensitive from him being inside me. His fingers were lazy. Each movement exaggerated. The flutter began in my toes, crept up my legs and burst forth. Literally coming off the bed, I gripped the sheet and headboard, calling out his name. It had to be a record. I had three orgasms in a couple hours. That had never happened to me before.

  I fell back so replete I didn’t think I’d move for a week. The rain beat the window and my heart lowered to match the steady rhythm. My eyes drifted shut, and I breathed deep. A phone beeped again. Not moving in response, I sensed Merek rolling from the bed and fumbling through his jeans.

  “Emme, pick up your phone.”

  My eyes flew open at the command in his tone. Ironically, he sat holding his own phone. I twisted lazily, reaching for mine on the nightstand.

  Mom. I’ve been in an accident.

  We dressed in silence, rushing with our own thoughts. All we knew was Mitzi and Cassie had been together and they’d been in a car accident. Merek wanted me to ride with him, but then I’d have to come back for my car. I wanted control and driving my own vehicle was some small semblance of it.

  Merek followed me, but I didn’t look back. I raced for my first born, holding my breath as the text said nothing else. It was Merek who discovered which hospital they were taken to. I’d called Bree, who only knew that Cassie picked Mitzi up hours ago and they had not returned.

  Entering Lutheran General, I rushed to the registration station, not waiting for Merek.

  “Mitzi Peters,” I blurted. Considered an adult to the hospital, as she was eighteen, I had to prove I was family. I followed the nurse’s directions, going left at the nurse’s station, then right to the third curtained area. My breath hitched as I stepped around the orange and yellow striped material.

  “Mitzi?” My voice was hardly above a whisper as the swollen face of my daughter made me briefly question if I was in the correct place.

  “Mom?” Her head rolled in my direction, but I sensed she couldn’t see me clearly. I stepped forward and reached for her hand. “Oh, Mom.” The tears fell instantly from two eyes already blackening.

  “What happened?” I asked. I prided myself on always asking are you all right first. But it was clear she was not all right, so on to question number two.

  “Cassie and I were at a party.”

  “On a school night?”

  Ignoring my response, she continued.

  “I told Cassie I needed to get home before you.”

  The silence hung.

  “And?”

  “We got in an accident.” Her voice hesitated.

  “Mitzi?” I asked softly.

  “She only had one drink.”

  “Mitzi,” I nearly shrieked. The tears streamed down her face, telling me now was not the time for the lecture that instantly came to my lips. She was only eighteen, and Cassie was too old to hang out with her, and on a school night, no less.

  “I thought we’d be home before you ever knew,” she muttered between sobs, as if getting caught was worse than the danger she’d been in. The air bag had done most of the damage to her, thankfully, but the thought of something worse, much, much worse, sent me into my own set of tears. I held Mitzi to me, afraid to let her go.

  Doctors came and went. Tests were done. Mitzi was sent for x-rays. Taking a deep breath, I went in search of Merek. When I found him outside a curtained area a few beds down, I paused. He looked as old as I felt suddenly. His graying hair was a sign of his age; the worry he endured raising two children on his own. He’d lost his parents eventually, who had been his support system, and the mother of his children had given him the ride of a lifetime. None of it excused how I felt about his daughter at the moment.

  “How’s Cassie?” I asked. Merek stood with his arms crossed over his chest, one hand raised upward to cover his face. He stepped toward me, but I stepped back. His eyes shifted, questioning mine.

  “She’s getting examined by another doctor.” His voice was cold; his eyes suddenly distant.

  “What will happen?”

  “What do you mean, what will happen?”

  “She was drinking and driving. She endangered the life of a minor. She…”

  “Endangered the life of a minor might be a bit strong.” Merek’s eyes narrowed on me. I hadn’t witnessed this side of him before.

  “Mitzi is barely eighteen.” My defensive mama-bear claws were about to scratch.

  “And she made the decision to go with Cassie.” Merek stared at me, his expression incredulous. He had a point; I just couldn’t see
it clearly.

  “Who should not have been taking her anywhere on a school night,” I retorted.

  “Cassie did not intentionally harm Mitzi.” His tone changed. He practically growled.

  “I didn’t say she did it on purpose, but she’s twenty-one, and Mitzi is not. She’s a college student and Mitzi is not. She shouldn’t have been drinking and driving.”

  “You don’t think I know these things?” he snapped.

  “I do. I just...” The words struggled to be released.

  “You just what, Emme? Say it.” His voice rose and I looked around me to see if people were watching us. I don’t know what I intended to say. I just didn’t want this to be happening to my daughter, that’s all. And for that fact, I didn’t want it to be happening to his. Our girls were each hurting and arguing with each other wasn’t going to stop their pain.

  “I wasn’t going to say anything else,” I replied, lowering my tone and my eyes.

  “But you want to, don’t you? You want to tell me I’m a bad father. You want to say that if I had been home, this wouldn’t have happened? Well, if I recall, you were with me,” he barked. If we hadn’t been at the apartment, fulfilling my fantasies of sex, he would have been home, and so would I. Would it have stopped the accident from happening? Maybe. Could it have happened at any other time? Quite possibly. I wasn’t thinking clearly, though. I couldn’t focus on the what-ifs or could-haves because the fact was, it had happened.

  “Don’t. Don’t you dare say that to me. If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else.” My lips clamped shut. Funny thing about words. Once they are out there, you can’t take them back. A million sorrys and a thousand apologies do not reverse those things once released. I knew this to be true from all the little things Nate had said, and didn’t say, over our twenty years together. You cannot take words back.

  “I think it’s best if we each deal with our own child tonight.” He turned away from me.

  “Me too,” I agreed, even though I disagreed. Merek had come to mean a great deal to me, and while I was mad at the result of the accident, I wanted his support. I was upset that my daughter had been in an accident. I wanted someone to hold me, tell me she would be okay, and I wanted it to be him. Biting my tongue, literally, I spun away from him and returned to Mitzi’s curtain. It was only then that it hit me, he never asked about Mitzi. My head shook in disappointment. Maybe I was wrong about Merek, after all. Maybe it was just sex.