by Nikki Chase
It feels strange. I haven’t felt this disoriented in a long time. At the same time, it’s also liberating to not have to worry about schedules and meetings.
I’ll get back on that horse soon. I just need a little time to find my bearings and figure out some things, that’s all.
I tap the little envelope-shaped icon on my phone.
A bunch of new emails. But, they’re mostly promotional newsletters from the make-up store and some fashion brands. Not urgent emails from my boss about my next task, or our next date.
I delete the new emails.
And, there, near the top of the pile, is that email. The one that has changed everything. The one that has ruined all my carefully laid plans. The one that makes it impossible for me to go back to Eli.
I don’t know why I keep this email. Maybe a part of me hopes to one day get a second opinion from a doctor who will tell me something different.
It’s unlikely, I know. That’s just wishful thinking.
I press a button and the phone screen goes dark.
What’s the point of reading and re-reading that email?
I should put on some warm clothes, make two mugs of hot chocolate, and join Eli outside. Maybe watching his muscles bulging with the effort of twisting a wrench will make me feel better.
It could also make me feel worse, I guess. But I’ll just have to keep my mind off our inevitable separation and everything will be fine and dandy.
I probably won’t see him again after this, anyway.
Sophia
I wake up with pounding in my head. That’s not unusual these days. In fact, I think this is the new normal now.
It started when I added some rum to the hot chocolate I made for both Eli and myself at the cabin as he was fixing my car. And, since then, I just haven’t stopped.
I look around my childhood room. The walls are covered with black-and-white photographs I used to find cool, and the furniture is predominantly pink.
It’s funny to be home with my parents, doing adult things they never would’ve let me get away with when I was living at home. Now, though, there’s nothing they can do about it.
I mean, it’s not like they know I drink myself to sleep every night.
Pressing my fingers against my temple, I wonder if sleeping with Eli and letting myself get carried away was a good thing, after all.
I was sad before the snow storm, but at least, I could function without drinking.
Ugh. The pounding just won’t stop . . .
“Sophia!” I hear Eli’s voice in my head, followed by more pounding.
It takes me a while to realize that the pounding isn’t just in my head but also at the door.
“Sophia, open the door!” Eli shouts.
Jesus. What day is it?
I reach for my phone on the nightstand and check the screen, ignoring the notifications that tell me Eli has been calling me and leaving me text messages again.
Tuesday. At least my parents aren’t home. At this time of the day, they’re probably at the coffee shop, working.
Should I pretend I’m not home and wait until he gives up?
Damn it. My head hurts too much for me to endure this torture for much longer.
“Yeah. Coming,” I say as I stumble out of bed and down the stairs.
I see Eli peeking through the window by the door, and the sight of him makes my heart stop. Can I really take this? Can I talk to him and stick to my original plan when confronted with his handsome face?
Well, it’s not like I can back out now. He’s already seen me.
I pull the door open, my fingers still massaging my temple and my hair probably a mess from just getting out of bed.
“Are you okay?” he asks urgently.
“Don’t speak so loud.” I wince as the sun rays hit my eyes. “What’s up?”
“What’s up? That’s what I should be asking you. You haven’t been picking up my phone calls or replying my text messages. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah. I’m just hungover,” I tell him. “Can you please don’t speak so loud?”
“Jesus.” Eli sighs, pushes the door open, and steps inside before I can stop him.
“Hey,” I protest as he walks past me. I didn’t invite him in.
“I’ll make you something for your hangover,” Eli says as he stomps toward the kitchen, banging stuff together and making my head hurt even worse. Pointing at the bar stool by the kitchen island, he says, “Sit here.”
I should tell him to leave, but I get the feeling he won’t listen. Besides, if he can get this headache to go away . . .
“Okay.” I take a seat as he grabs things from the fridge and blends them together.
Eventually, the noises stop as Eli places a clear glass in front of me and fills it to the brim with some kind of a greenish brown smoothie.
“Drink,” he orders.
“Are you serious?”
“Dead serious.” Eli stares at me with his sharp, intense, dark eyes.
I recognize the look. He’s not going to take no for an answer when he’s like this.
Reluctantly, I take a sip of the frothy concoction. “Ugh. It’s disgusting.” I make a face.
“Stop whining and finish it. Hundreds of people swear by my hangover cure.” Eli grabs a clean glass and fills it with tap water then puts it in front of me, too.
I sigh and gulp down the hangover cure as quickly as I can then wash it down with the tap water.
Eli takes a seat beside me as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
“What?” I ask, feeling his stare on me.
“Did something happen?” he asks. “Your dad told me you weren’t working in the city anymore. Did you lose your job?”
I sigh. My dad has never been good at keeping secrets or at figuring out which details should be kept secret.
“No, Eli. I didn’t lose my job. I quit,” I tell him. Might as well.
“You quit?” I don’t have to look at him to know he’s frowning at me. “I thought you loved your job.”
“It’s a long and complicated story, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I . . . I’m sorry to hear that.” Eli falls silent and for a moment, all I can hear is the ticking of the clock on the wall. “But Sophia, you looked fine in the cabin.”
I let out another sigh.
I was hoping we wouldn’t need to have this conversation, but I knew there was a chance we’d have to.
I’m prepared. Kind of. I know the gist of what I want to say.
“Eli, what happened in the cabin . . . That was . . . I don’t know. That was like an alternate reality, okay?” I turn the glass of water with my fingers, watching the liquid swirl choppily inside.
“What are you talking about? Alternate reality? What do you mean?” he asks, his voice growing louder with each question.
“Remember when you said I probably would’ve run away if we weren’t locked together in there?” I ask. “Well, you were right. On some level, you probably know it, too. It wasn’t real.
“What happened in that cabin? That was just . . . I don’t know. Life kind of sucks now, so I . . . It was comforting to escape to the past for a while, I guess. But, I can’t keep doing that.”
“It wasn’t real? Are you serious right now?” Eli demands, getting up from his chair.
“It was like a time capsule, okay?” I turn the glass faster, feeling my fingers getting wet as the water splash around and spills over the lip. “You open it and you remember the past. You let yourself get carried away by nostalgia for a few moments. Then, you close it and move on with your real life.”
“Sophia.” Eli grabs my shoulders, hard, and turn me toward him. “Look at me.”
I meet his intense gaze and glance away.
“I said look at me.”
“You’re scaring me,” I say softly.
Eli takes his hands off me and puts them on his own head as he takes a step back. “Fuck. Sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He leans down
and levels his gaze at me, his eyes filled with pain and confusion. “I just need to understand. I need you to look at me and explain to me, in simple words, what you mean.”
“It was . . . It was like re-living the past,” I say, reaching out for the glass of water and taking another sip even though I’m already feeling bloated.
“Are you telling me . . . You didn’t mean anything you said or did in the cabin?” he asks gently, his voice steady.
“That’s exactly what I mean.”
“Look at me when you say that,” he demands.
“You don’t always get to call the shots, you know. I may let you do that when the . . . atmosphere feels right, but I’m not some kid you can just order around. Not anymore.”
“I said look at me,” Eli repeats.
I meet his gaze and my heart cracks. Despite that, I put on a brave face. “Okay. I’m looking at you now. What do you want me to do next?”
“Sophia, princess, I know that was you back in the cabin. You . . . Fuck! I was scared of this. I was worried we’d come back to the real world, and you’d hide away from me again, but I told myself I was just being paranoid because I didn’t want to lose you again.”
I stare silently at him. The lump in my throat makes it impossible for me to say anything without tears spilling out of my eyes.
“I don’t know what it was for you, but it wasn’t just nostalgia for me. It was real. It wasn’t a . . . a . . . time capsule or some shit. It was real, and I wanted it to stay that way forever,” he says. “Hey, don’t look away.”
I take a steeling breath and meet his gaze again.
“I can’t . . . I don’t have the capacity to pretend. Not when it comes to you.” Eli takes my hand and interlaces his fingers with mine. “I made a mistake once when I let you get away from me. I’m not going to make the same mistake again.” He shakes his head. “I won’t let you slip away through my fingers again.”
I bite down on my lower lip until it hurts, letting the pain be a dam to hold my tears back.
“You belong by my side and you know it,” Eli says.
“Are you done?” I ask. I stare into the distance when Eli remains quiet. “You should find some other girl instead.”
“What other girl? You’re the only one I want. The only one I’ve ever wanted.” Eli grips my hand tighter.
“We’re not the people we used to be. We’re different now. Everything’s different.” I say the words I practiced in the dark before going to sleep, but they don’t sound the way I want them to.
“Jesus, Sophia. Is that what you really think?” Eli frowns as he looks into my eyes, his face just inches away from mine.
I stay quiet, my heart hammering in my chest. I fight to keep every cell in my body still, afraid the smallest twitch will give everything away.
“I think you’re lying,” Eli says, his breath hot on my skin. “I don’t think you’re different at all. I think you’re still the same girl you’ve always been.”
“It’s been seven years,” I say through the lump in my throat.
“Yeah. It’s been seven years. But I don’t think you’ve changed.” Eli’s gaze bores into my soul, making me feel naked. He continues, “If anything, I think you’re putting on a mask when you’re in the city. I think I’m the only one who knows the real you, and that scares you. That’s why you can’t even look at me.”
I force myself to meet his gaze again. My lip still hurts from my own teeth, and the pain keeps me from crying.
But, he’s got me. He’s got me good, and he knows it. Somehow, he figures me out just by looking at me.
“You can cry if you want to, you know,” he says.
Tears spring forth and spill from my eyes, despite my best efforts.
Eli wipes my tears away with him thumb. His gaze softens and he gives me the gentlest, most heart-breaking kiss I’ve ever experienced.
With every graze of his hot lips, he peels away the protective coating I’ve carefully put on my heart. As his tongue coaxes my lips to part, it shatters into a million pieces.
Eli wraps his strong arms around me, and I melt into his touch. I can’t help it. I can’t help but be honest when I’m with Eli.
And so, even though my logic screams at me, telling me what a bad idea this is, I kiss him back. With all the passion I’ve been holding back all these years, I kiss him like my life depends on it.
Eli slides his hands down my back and grabs me by the ass, lifting me up until I’m sitting on the countertop with him between my legs.
His kiss is an assault on my senses. I can do nothing but give in and try to endure it as every nerve ending in my body lights up, sparked into life by his touch and craving for more.
“Sorry,” Eli says as he pulls away. “You were just crying, and I’m getting carried away. I can’t help it. I can’t—”
“Shut up.” I put my hand on the back of his neck and pull him close, mashing our lips together. Breathlessly, I tell him, “Shut up, and kiss me again.”
Eli continues his ravishing assault, his hands on my ass squeezing my cheeks roughly. “I can’t stop at just kissing you, princess.”
“Then, don’t.” Wrapping my arms around him, I scoot myself closer toward the edge of the countertop and press myself against the bulge in his jeans. I smirk when I feel how hard he is.
“Are you sure? Here?” he asks as he looks behind his back.
“Yeah. What’s wrong? Are you scared?” I challenge him, rubbing myself against the hard cock under his jeans.
“Oh, you’re in trouble, princess.” Eli’s eyes light up.
I cry out as he strips me naked in record speed. The stone countertop feels cold underneath my skin. Eli’s strong hands grab my thighs, spreading them and pulling me toward the edge, making me fall on my bare back.
The sound of him undoing his fly fills my ears, and I know there’s no going back after this.
I can’t not be honest with him, especially when he’s inside me. After this, he’ll know I wasn’t just pretending in the cabin. He’ll know the truth about the way I feel.
This could turn out disastrous, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m a slave to Eli. I always have been.
He lines the head of his cock up and stares at me as he slams into me, impaling me on his dick. I gasp. He groans, then smirks as he watches me.
He slides in and out of me, his movements frantic as I writhe on the countertop, the stone warming up to my body temperature as Eli fucks me.
“You’re mine,” he says, his dark eyes flashing with intensity. He wraps his fingers around my throat and holds me down. “Say it.”
Only Eli can make me feel this vulnerable. I’m naked and he’s clothed. I’m weak and he’s strong.
But, it’s not just physical. The way he stares at me . . . I feel like he’s looking straight into my soul, speaking to the center of my being.
I can’t say no to him. I can never say no to him. I should’ve known that.
“I’m yours, Eli,” I say.
“Good.” He smirks. “I don’t take that lightly. Tell me you won’t try to run away from me again.”
I gasp in some air. It’s getting hard to breathe, and I don’t know if it’s because of the intensity with which Eli’s fucking me, his hand curled around my neck, or the truth choking me.
“Say it,” he orders.
“I won’t try to run away from you again,” I say.
It’s true. I don’t think I can, anyway.
But, I think Eli will tell me to leave, to go as far away from him as I can, once he learns the truth, once he finds out I’ve been keeping a secret from him.
Eli surges inside of me, his thick cock tearing me in two, fucking me so hard and fast it feels like he can’t wait to claim my body, like he’s hell-bent on marking me as his and owning me.
And even though I’m terrified I’ll only hurt him and deprive him of what he needs, I can’t deny I want the same thing.
Eli presses the pad of his thumb on my c
lit, rubbing me furiously as he plunges into me again and again. I wrap my legs around him, pumping up to meet his thrusts as moans escape my lips.
I watch Eli’s face scrunch up in ecstasy until I can’t take it anymore. I throw my head back and squeeze my eyes shut as I let go, grabbing onto his arms as my orgasm takes over, jolts of pleasure shooting up and down my body. Eli grunts as he continues to fuck me until he reaches his own peak.
When I finally catch up with my breath and open my eyes again, I realize my vision’s blurry and my cheeks are wet.
Eli’s looking at me with concern. “Did I hurt you?”
I shake my head. “That was amazing.”
“You’ll tell me if I hurt you, won’t you?” he asks.
“Of course.”
But I don’t think he’ll ever hurt my body—not in any meaningful way. He may hurt the rest of me, though.
I’m afraid I won’t ever recover from that, but I don’t know how I can escape that fate.
Eli
I pull out of her and watch as my thick cum drips out of her. She looks so beautiful like this, her body and soul in complete surrender.
She belongs with me. She’d better know that by now. If she doesn’t, I’ll drive that into her head again and again, as many times as it takes.
I pull her up until she’s sitting on the edge of the countertop, her body limp in my arms.
“Answer me when I call you, okay?” I ask.
Sophia nods as her lips curl up into a smile. There’s a sadness in her eyes, and as much as I wish I could fuck that thing out of her, it hasn’t worked.
“Princess, is there anything you want to tell me?”
She shakes her head.
I wish I could believe her. I wish there was a way to get her to tell me what’s wrong because something obviously is.
But maybe this is enough for one day. Maybe I shouldn’t push my luck. Most importantly, I probably shouldn’t force her past her limit.
“Okay,” I say. “But if there’s anything you want to tell me . . . any time at all . . . please do. I’ll hear you out.”
“Okay.” Sophia blinks, and the cloud over her green eyes goes away, just like that.
