And for the first time, I am not overwhelmed by grief. For the first time, I’m furious. How dare he? How could he send me back to this? To another man, to a life controlled by the Commission? How could Arjun really think that this was right for me? How could he do this to me?
It’s so amazing to feel something other than fear and sadness. I revel in the emotions, wrapping myself in them as I storm through the City.
I find myself in a park, and stare around it. It’s quiet, the stone paths almost empty. But I recognize it, vaguely. I saw pictures of it while I was researching on my tablet. The scrap of paper is still in my cloak. But despite not having it with me, I know exactly what it says.
My feet move almost unconsciously. If I think too much, I’ll lose my nerve. And I want to do this—it’s a small piece of him, but it’s all I have. And despite my anger, I can’t help but cling to every scrap.
With my mind made up, I hurry. The streets are beginning to fill, and I am swallowed by a surge of Citizens, intent on returning to their homes. I look around, curious. Is she here, somewhere?
My legs are aching by the time I have made all the turns, and backtracked--even knowing where I am going, I get lost twice. It occurs to me that Berg will likely be worried. In the month we have been here, I have had dinner prepared every night when he returns from the University.
I stop when I finally see the number 314 etched above the doorpost of a large brown house. It's eerily similar to mine. But if there is anything I have learned, it is that the Commission lacks imagination. All the houses are similar.
There is a single light on, and it makes my heart speed. I had almost hoped she would not be here. I'm not sure I want to face her.
A sudden thought seizes me: are her eyes are like Arjun's?
That thought propels me up the steps and I knock before I can think better of the idea.
Selent is tiny. She's as short as I am, with soft gray hair that seems to shimmer. Her eyes--my heart stops as I stare at her eyes. They're brilliant, a slightly softer shade of gold than Arjun’s but impossible to mistake
"Can I help you?" she asks, curious but welcoming, and I can see where Gali gets her warmth.
I can feel tears burning in my eyes as I choke out, "My name is Sabah. You don't know me--but... I love your son."
Her eyes go wide. "Arjun?" she whispers, clutching at the door, as if it is all that holds her upright.
"Can I come in?" I ask, suddenly conscious of the many listening ears around us.
She steps back so quickly she trips on her dress, and tugs me into the house. I want to cry as she hugs me. It feels impossibly like Arjun.
"Come, sit down." She pulls me into her kitchen, pushing me toward a chair. "Do you like tea? I have wine, too--it's not the best vintage,” she say apologetically.
"Tea is good," I say, and she bobs a nod, scurrying around the kitchen. She keeps darting miniscule glances at me, as if she is not sure I'm real. I stay silent, until finally she sets the tea in front of me and sits down.
"You are very pretty,” she says, smiling.
I flush, running a hand over my hair. I feel dirty and tired, not how I wanted to meet her for the first time. "Thank you."
"Did you know Arjun?" she asks. "Before..." she trails off, and looks away. “I’m sure you know what happened with him.”
"I do." I nod, and her eyes dart to me. "But, I know him now. I saw him--a month ago."
Hope gleams in her eyes. "The Keepers told me he had broken laws—he attacked his superior."
"Teegan wasn't his superior," I snap, irritated. "And he deserved everything Arjun did and more."
Shock makes her mouth fall open. "You have spoken with him!" Her eyes narrow. “But why would he trust you?”
I take a sip of my tea, and slowly, I tell her. The fact that either Gali or Arjun trusted her enough to confide the truth of Teegan's attack tells me all I need to know about her. She won't betray me to the Commission.
When I finally run out of words, I have told her everything—the only thing I omit is the wolves’ City and the role the Mistress has played.
She stares at me, not seeing me, her lips turned in a smile. "So they are happy. Gali has someone who loves her."
I nod and she seems to focus, looking at me. "Thank you, Sabah. You have no idea how much it means to know that they are alive. That they have each other." She blinks rapidly and tears recede. "How soon until you rejoin him?" she asks, her voice eager.
I shake my head. "I'm not—he sent me back to the City. He doesn't want me."
Selent frowns. "But you love him."
I shrug. "Does that matter?"
Her voice is sharp, and reminds me of Gali, when she says, "Of course it does. Sabah, I know my son. He would not pressure you into staying in such a dangerous life. He would offer you the option of returning home--and if you made that choice, he would do nothing to dissuade you."
"He told me to go."
She waves a hand, irritated. "Of course he did. Arjun is a bossy, controlling ass. He’s protective and domineering and rude. You should know that." Her eyes narrow. "Unless you don't want to be with him."
I meet her eyes, and for once, let all the emotions flood into my gaze, past the walls and barriers that keep me from collapsing.
She nods, a satisfied smile on her face. "So then, what's stopping you? If you love him—why are you here?"
If. The one word that so much hangs upon. "What if he doesn't love me?" I whisper.
She sighs, "I can't convince you that he does. I know my son, and I know what you have told me. I think you know that he does. I don't know you, Sabah. But is it possible you are scared?”
Chapter 27
I sit on my bed, my legs crossed under me.
The folded paper is almost mocking in its harmlessness. I have been staring at it since I returned from Selent’s—for some reason, Berg still hasn’t returned from the University.
“Just open it,” I mutter to myself, irritated with my hesitation. How bad could it be? For that matter, what could it be? Curiosity is beginning to outweigh my fear, and I reach for it, my fingers brushing the sharp folded edges.
Does it really matter, what it says? How much can it affect me—being with Arjun is no longer a choice open to me. The ban-wolves have retreated to their City—even the self-absorbed Citizens have noticed their absence, the fact that they are not running the Shield. Some are blaming their absence on the plague. They think the wolves have succumbed to the disease. Most are happy about it.
I pick up the note again.
"Sabah?"
Berg's voice in the hall barely breaks my concentration, and I tug at the flaps as his footsteps echo on the floor. I register that he sounds worried and then the note is open.
I go very still, noise somehow receding.
There is very little written. I stare at it, my eyes trying to make sense of the scribbled lines, the twisting paths.
"Sabah?" he calls again, as if from far away.
Sudden fear clenches me and I shove the paper under my pillow, falling back on the bed as Berg comes into the room. I smile at him, and hope he cannot hear the pounding of my heart. "You’re late," I say.
He nods, giving me an apologetic look. "We had a breakthrough on one of the experiments, and needed to discuss what to do next." He touches my feet, sitting on the end of the bed. "Did you already eat?"
I shake my head, and see concern flicker in his eyes. "I went for a walk after Wrenfel came by this morning. I... it took longer than I expected," I say, lamely. We don't discuss Arjun—and even if we did, I don't want to tell him about meeting Arjun's mother. If anyone deserves to hear about it, about the elegant woman who has forced me to think, it is Arjun and Gali.
The image on the paper fills my mind, so intoxicatingly hopeful, I can't breathe for a moment.
"Why don't we go to the little cafe on the corner?" Berg suggests. "You don't look as if you’re up to cooking."
I'm not, so I nod. "Give me
a few minutes to change?"
He smiles, and hesitantly leans over, his lips brushing my hair. I make a sound, a whimper of protest that he takes as encouragement. His fingers are under my chin, lifting my head, his lips pressing against mine.
It is the first time he has touched me since we have been in the City.
It is the worse timing imaginable.
I stay utterly still under his kiss, but for some reason, he does not notice. He smoothes my hair back and smiles at me. "Hurry, darling. I have news to share."
As I slip into a black dress, I think of the map, the location of a hidden City--the wolves’ future. I can't help but giggle, hysterical, as I realize that I too have news, even if it's something I can't--won't--share.
**
"They think they found a cure," Berg whispers to me, glancing around at the other Citizens filling the cafe. There aren’t many—between curfew and the late hour, most Citizens are already home.
It’s one of the nicer ones, quiet, sedate. Most Citizens are reading on their tablets, or absorbed in their own conversations, and pay no attention to us as we whisper. I stare at him over my dinner—a nutty bread stuffed with herbs, cheese, and thinly sliced fish.
“Do they know it’ll work?” I ask, smearing citrus sauce on the bread with a knife and taking a bite.
“No—they’ll have to field test it. But it’s worked in the lab tests.”
There’s something he’s not saying—the edge of his excitement seems dull.
“What’s wrong?”
He toys with his fork for a moment. “They want me to go Outside and bring back a specimen to test on.”
"But the disease could spread," I protest, stunned.
"They know it's out there. But unless we can prove that the cure works, there is no way to contain the pathogen," he says, cutting off my protest. "There's a Citizen in Alpen, a horticulturist who didn’t hear about the quarantine, who has agreed to be our test subject."
The name makes me sit up, and his eyes narrow on me as I stare at him. "What?" he says, his tone guarded.
"Are they bringing the Citizen here?" I ask, making myself relax and take a bite.
"No. Since Alpen has already been exposed, the Commission didn't want to risk bringing the pathogen to Mlena. They're sending a few scientists—including my sponsor and me—to oversee the administration and progress of the cure."
I get a feeling of déjá vu, and I look at him. Berg's lips quirk and his eyebrows lift, silently acknowledging we're both thinking about Merc, and the last days in the Manor.
"How long will you be gone?" I ask.
"A week.” He shrugs. "Maybe more."
We lapse into silence, and I take a few bites more. The food, usually a favorite, is tasteless and bland in my mouth. Berg seems frustrated, wanting more of a reaction from me. I try to summon it, but I have nothing. My mind is too focused on Arjun. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, Berg lets the waiter scan his cred card, and we leave. The night is crisp—icy. I miss warmth, and wind. The Shield seems to contain the cold, a bubble of bright, impersonal life.
Berg vanishes into his library when we get back to the house, and I retreat to my studio, to the nook seat, filled with soft pillows in a variety of texture and colors. I curl in the seat, hugging a pillow as I stare at the folded note I have retrieved from my bed.
I wonder how long it will take you to read this. Either way, by now you know the pack has gone to our City. And you have gone to yours.
Why did you leave? I will never understand why either of you were stupid enough to walk away from each other. Arjun’s an idiot, to send you away.
The thing is, I don’t think it’s fair. You should have a choice in this—an unemotional one. You are so convinced this is what he wants, rather than realizing this is what he thinks you need.
So I’m trusting you. Below, you will find a map, leading to our City. If you are happy in Mlena with Berg, then burn the map. If you want to be with Arjun—well. We’ll be waiting.
Merc.
**
I stare at it, at the carefully plotted route. The ban-wolves have hidden their City well—almost on top of the base they raided for the technology to build it. It's south of The Island, one of the first cities destroyed by bombs during the Cataclysm. I wonder if they are safe from the nuclear fallout, but I know Rook—he would not build a haven for his pack without being very sure of its safety.
I want to see it. So much it hurts, I want to see this city in the wild. The familiar pain is burning in my chest. For so long now, I have ignored the pack—buried the memories that haunt my dreams. I take a shuddering breath and a sob breaks out.
It hurts, more than I expect. The hope that I have ruthlessly killed, all the seeds that I thought long dead spring to life in me with a violence that leaves me gasping.
And I realize, with absolute certainty, what I will do.
**
Wrenfel takes me to lunch the next day, as planned. The Prince is almost trembling with glee. I should be furious, especially when I hear them murmuring about a fête the Prince is holding. It is, he tells Wrenfel, to honor the Commission who is coming to Mlena to meet me.
“Me?” I blink, startled at the thought of the Commission wanting to meet me.
Wrenfel laughs at my disbelief. “She’s still uncomfortable with attention, Prince.”
The Prince nods. “Well, she’ll learn to appreciate it.” He looks at me, and I am surprised he speaks to me, rather than addressing his comments about me to Wrenfel, as if I am not present. “You are a credit to Mlena. A true daughter of the City,” he says, as if this is something of which I should be proud.
I can’t help but laugh.
The Prince frowns, looking at my sponsor as if he can explain my behavior. Wrenfel smiles nervously. “I’m not a credit to this City, any more than I’m her daughter,” I say, still smiling. I see Wrenfel pale, and despite my dislike of him, I pity him in this moment. “If anything, Prince, I am daughter to Kathleen Lawson. She raised me, cared for me, when your City threw me in the gutters.”
There is no disguising the venom in my words, and the Prince’s eyes narrow. “And yet, you chose life in the City over staying with her.”
I shrug. “That is not your doing, whatever you think. I am here at the behest of my Mistress—not to do you any favors.”
I stand, disgusted and unwilling to sit with them any longer. I expect a Keeper to force me back into my seat, but no one moves toward me. And we all know why.
I am too valuable and rare. There are very few fertile girls of Majority wandering Outside, waiting to be plucked up by the Commission, especially in light of the plague. Sending them a tight smile, I stalk out of the lounge.
**
“Wrenfel told me about your afternoon,” Berg says. He’s leaning against the doorframe of my studio, watching me. I think it surprises him that I am not painting.
I shrug, ignoring the censorious tone in his voice, and sign my name. The stack of letters has grown considerably since I arrived back home.
“Sabah, talk to me,” he says, and his voice is that of my friend, not the man hoping to share my bed.
I pause, and look at him. This is the question that I have been wrestling with all day. What do I tell him? How much can I say without putting the pack in danger? I cock my head, looking at him, and he comes closer, crouching at my feet.
“We haven’t talked, not really, since you returned from the forest,” he says. “I know it changed you.”
“Things like that tend to,” I say lightly, but we both know this is not a joke.
He’s staring at me with those familiar sky dark eyes and it nearly breaks my heart, what I have to tell him.
“I can’t do this,” I say.
He doesn’t seem surprised. “Because of the Commission?”
I nod. “Partly. I won’t risk them taking my children, Berg.”
“And the other part?” His voice is whisper quiet.
Arjun.
Berg knows that someone in the forest holds my heart. If I’m honest, I’ll admit he knows it’s Arjun—that I’m rejecting him for the same ban-wolf who so savagely beat him.
He sighs explosively when I don’t respond. "I don’t understand why you came back.”
That hurts, and I let him see it in my eyes. "Because I had to—he thought it was too dangerous, in the wild. And the pack leader wanted the serum."
"How do you know this wolf isn't just using you? How do you know he even truly loves you?"
That fear has been plaguing me for over a month. "I don't," I say simply.
He stares at me for a long time, his eyes wary. “What are you going to do?”
I shrug. “I need to find a way to live. We all do the best we can, right? With what we’re given.”
"But this is what you were given," he protests.
"I have to make a choice," I say. "I let Arjun choose to send me back. I let the pack needs dictate the choice to come with you to Mlena. If I don’t do something, I give all choice to the Commission, and where does it end? What do we do when they take our children? By even having children, we have given away their choices." I sigh. "I need to think—to decide what I can live with, what I’m willing to live with.”
We sit in silence for a long time, and I stare at the sketches on the walls around us. The forest seems to beckon to me—I want desperately to bolt into the night and never look back. Arjun's eyes gleam at me from a dozen different places on the wall, and I can finally meet them, without it hurting. How much longer, I wonder, until I'm within his arms?
"Are you leaving the City?" he says, startling me.
"No," I lie without hesitating. He looks surprised, and I soften my tone. "Berg, I’m not leaving you. I just need time to think, about if I can live this way. And what I’ll do if I can’t."
His eyes are troubled, beginning to panic. "But... Sabah, I don't know how to live without you. If there is anything I learned from when you were missing, it is that I can’t get by without you. You’re the only thing that never changes in my life. No matter what secrets I uncover, what I learn—you are there, steady and unchanging. I can't lose that."
Edge of the Falls (After the Fall) Page 23
