Jess continued to wallow from the bed. Meanwhile, my family waited with bated breath to see what Jess referred to. My dad was a doctor. If Jess had seen it, he would instantly. He tilted my chin to the side and used two fingers to pry my lids apart.
He went from looking at my eye to looking in them. “Colbie, what’s going on?” The gruff tumble of my father’s gravelly voice had taken on a softer, concerned tone. It was the voice of my childhood, the one that had tucked me in bed at night. I hadn’t heard that man in years, and I realized I missed him as much as I did Eli.
I shrugged him off, but trying to get by him was pointless. And even if I had, there was layer after layer of people between me and freedom. “Nothing, I’m fine.” If I’d taken a gentler approach than snarling, I might have convinced my father that was true.
“It’s not true, Dr. Chapman. Ask her what she was doing in the bathroom. Ask her what she does every time she leaves the table after dinner.”
My brother tried to calm his girlfriend. “Jess—”
“Ask her!” Jess was on the verge of hyperventilating, and my dad’s medical expertise would be better suited toward getting her under control before she passed out.
“Shut up, Jess. Nobody cares.” The walls breathed in, stealing my air. “Shut up.” The room rotated, side swiping my equilibrium. “Shut up.” Gravity squeezed every inch of my body, ripping apart my flesh. “Shut up.” I no longer knew if I’d continued yelling the same words on repeat or if that was an echo smothering the bathroom. I didn’t care.
Pandemonium had ensued, and I lost my grip on reality. Brother after brother leaned into my face and disappeared to allow the next to demonstrate their disapproval in my mind’s funhouse mirror. None of it was real, or maybe all of it was. The voices around me faded into each other until they were all unrecognizable.
“Cole?” But it wasn’t Caden’s voice that called my name. “Cole, baby, open your eyes.”
He wasn’t here.
“Cole, look at me.” The warmth of Eli’s voice, or even the hope that it could really be him, pried my lids apart.
There were his sweet brown eyes, staring at me with love. “Eli.” My voice cracked, and tears replaced the panic. I took the phone from Jess and ignored everyone and everything else in the room.
“Don’t cry. Wipe your eyes and tell me what happened.”
I glanced up to horrified expressions, and Jess mouthing “I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what had happened or how long I’d been in the state I was. It had to have been bad for Jess to call Eli…with my parents and my brothers—including Caleb—in the room.
Eli didn’t speak and neither did I. Instead, I waited for each relative to see themselves out until my dad and Jess were the last two in the room.
Daddy reached out and squeezed Jess’s hand. “You stay. When they’re done, come get me.”
She nodded and sat on the bed, leaving me in the bathroom with my phone. I leaned my back against the cabinets and hugged my knees. Jess had a full view of me, but she couldn’t see Eli. Not that we had any privacy regardless.
“How did you end up on the phone?” I already knew. There was only one person who could have made that life-altering decision on mine and Eli’s behalf. I gave her the evil eye from my vantage point.
Jess had no idea what she’d just done. I wouldn’t have died from a panic attack. Eli could go to jail because she’d freaked out and called him.
“Jess called me.”
I realized I had her phone in my hand, not my own. “My whole family heard you.”
He nodded and gave me a reassuring smile. “I know.” Eli didn’t appear the least bit concerned. “I’ll deal with that. Right now, I need you to tell me what’s going on.”
Foolish didn’t begin to describe the level of embarrassment that painted my cheeks. I had no idea why this man cared for me; all he saw these days was a blubbering mess of mental instability. “I had a panic attack.” It was true. My world had sucked itself into a tiny vortex. I just hadn’t admitted why.
“Any idea what caused it?”
I shook my head.
From the peanut gallery, my best friend corrected me. “Liar.” She’d stopped crying, but the evidence of her emotion remained all over her cheeks. Jess had gone from sobbing to angry, and if she had any boobs to speak of, they’d be smashed by her arms crossed over them.
“You can tell me anything, Colbie. You know that. Nothing is going to change how I feel.”
My mouth refused to open, and my throat closed tight. I couldn’t admit what Jess had all but accused me of. Not to Eli.
“Breathe, baby. Don’t get stuck in your head. It’s just you and me talking.”
I squeezed my eyes shut with my entire face, hoping that when I opened them this would all be a nightmare that had ended. I’d wake from the horrible dream, sweating and breathing heavily, but it would be over.
That didn’t happen.
“Jess overreacted to something she saw, and she managed to get my entire family involved.” I cut my eyes her direction again. I wished she’d leave. “And you.”
“Colbie, we’ve been over this. It’s my job to take care of you, even when I’m not there. I’d told Jess if you needed anything to call me. And when she did, I made the decision for her to put me on FaceTime to see you. I made the choice not to hide when I might be able to help. Don’t be upset with Jess.” Eli wasn’t the slightest bit riled up. His only concern at that moment was me.
I’d been reduced to a whisper. “But your job…”
Eli had just thrown himself to the wolves and likely the school board and police. “The only thing I care about right now is you.” His voice, his presence—albeit virtual—calmed me.
We spoke for a few more minutes, and he made me promise to call him later when I could talk. He’d given me a pass tonight, and that might continue until he got home, but at some point, in the not so distant future, I’d have to confess. I wasn’t looking forward to it. Convincing him there was nothing to be worried about would be far harder than Jess. I’d promised him I’d open up, expose my demons, release my dragons, and for the most part, I had.
This was the only secret I’d kept closely guarded—from everyone.
* * *
How I’d managed to escape my parents’ thumbs for even a few minutes, much less long enough to drive to Jess’s house, was beyond me. They were awfully trusting to believe I’d come back after the bomb they’d just dropped on me, especially now that they were aware—even if they didn’t know the extent—of my relationship with Eli. There had been hushed conversations behind closed doors late into the night, and when Caleb had finally left, he had refused to look me in the eye.
I’d worried that inability to face me had to do with Eli, and then my parents had me come to the formal living room to “talk.” I’d never been in trouble, but the twins had. That spot on that couch didn’t bode well for me. And it had only gotten worse the longer I sat there.
By the time I had stood, I wasn’t certain my legs would hold me, much less carry my shaky body. And driving probably hadn’t been the best idea, either. But this wasn’t a conversation to be had by phone—not that I had one to call her on since Mama had taken my cell—and there was no way in hell I was leaving town without saying what I had to say.
Luckily—for Jess, not me—her parents weren’t home. I pulled all the way down the drive and turned around so leaving wouldn’t be difficult. I hadn’t called before storming over here, and I doubted my arrival would be well received by my “best” friend. That term held little meaning at the moment since it was synonymous with enemy.
I rang the bell at the back of the house and then started banging my fist on the glass until she appeared in the window. “Open the door, Jessica.”
She appeared apprehensive, but she unlocked the deadbolt and swung open the door to silently invite me in. That had been a smart move. Neither her parents nor mine would want the gossips in this small town to get ahold of what cu
rrently dangled on the end of my tongue.
“What has you in an uproar?” She closed the door but didn’t come any farther into the house.
I was almost surprised she didn’t know, but I guess it spoke to the truth of my parents’ threat. “Thanks to that little stunt you pulled on Christmas night, I get to spend the spring semester…” I tapped my finger on my lips to formulate the perfect wording. “Abroad.”
She pushed past me and into the kitchen. “Like internationally?” Jess reached into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. She offered me one as well, but water would just get in the way. It was hard to be theatrical with unwanted props.
“You’re joking, right?” I deadpanned.
Jess recapped the bottle after taking a sip and then set it down. She fidgeted with her hair, putting it into a ponytail while she played twenty questions. “You said abroad. So no. Where are you going? And why are you so mad about it? Is it because of Eli?” Either she was a damn fine actress or clueless.
Eli was another issue that I’d get to. “My parents are sending me to an inpatient treatment center, Jess. Out of state so my ‘reputation isn’t tarnished in the community.’ You have them convinced I’m on a fast track to death with that hysterical performance of yours on Christmas.”
She took a seat on one of the bar stools with a huff. “I’m sorry, Colbie. I don’t want you to be mad at me, but you have an issue that you need to get help with. And it’s better to do it now than face it on your own when you’re in college.” There wasn’t a hint of remorse in her tone or carefree expression. She felt justified in what she did, not guilty.
“There’s nothing to deal with, Jess. That’s the part you seem to be missing.”
“Cut the crap, Colbie. I saw you with your fingers down your throat, inducing vomiting. You hadn’t swallowed poison; you hadn’t consumed too much alcohol. You had eaten your emotions. And you’ve done it before.”
I slapped my hand on the counter. “How would you know? You’re never around to have a clue what I do or don’t do. That could’ve been the first or the hundredth time.” My body temperature started to rise with my anger, and my underarms began to sweat.
Her eyes softened, as did her tone. “I wish I believed it was the first. I wish I could go back and do things differently so I would have recognized it when it started. I wish someone had been paying close enough attention to hear you when you cried for help. But I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I can’t possibly make up for any of that if you’re not around, so I don’t regret your parents finding out.”
“Newsflash, Jess, I won’t be around to ease your guilt.”
She snorted and shook her head. “I don’t mean in Brogdon, Colbie. If you’re dead, there’s no salvaging anything. And that’s the path you’re heading down if puking is your choice for problem resolution.”
“It’s not!” Screaming didn’t do any good; she didn’t get it.
“Then you’ll be in and out of this place in no time. If you get there and we’ve all blown this out of proportion, they’ll send you home.”
I dropped my hands to my sides with exaggeration. “And come home to what, Jess? You’re shoved up Caden’s ass, and Eli will be lucky if he’s not in jail.”
She shot out of her seat. “That’s not fair. He made that decision, not me.”
“What choice did he have? You never should have called him!”
Jess had maintained her composure for the most part, until now. Her cheeks heated with color, and her dark-blue eyes lightened the way they did when she cried. “If you’d seen what I did, you would have done the same thing.”
“I’ve seen people puke, Jess, and I didn’t rat them out.”
“No, not that. The way you zoned out. You didn’t hear anything around you. You weren’t reachable, Colbie. It was worse than the day at my house. Your dad was ready to call 9-1-1, and he’s a doctor! I can’t explain it to you, and you may never forgive me, but I didn’t see any other choice.”
I wasn’t buying it, even though I couldn’t remember a section of time from Daddy coming in to Eli’s voice. “So you did what? Just grabbed your phone and in the midst of the commotion, reached out to my teacher—who I happen to be sleeping with—to update him on my mental condition which was rather crazy at that moment? At any point, did it occur to you that you shouldn’t have made that call with any of my family within earshot?”
“I didn’t.” She barely whispered, and I had to strain to hear the rest. “I left while everyone tended to you. I went down the hall to Caden’s room. No one heard me. I needed him to tell me what to do, Colbie. I was scared.”
“And you thought he had some secret weapon?”
“He does. I don’t know what it is about him. Honestly, I don’t care. All I know was life came back to your eyes when he said your name. That vacant stare all but disappeared when he called you ‘baby.’ And like it or not, Eli made that choice. I could have put the phone to your ear to hear his voice. He wanted you to see his face. He chose to refer to you in a way that would reveal your relationship to anyone who heard him. And he did both because he loves you.”
“But he wouldn’t have had to if you’d just kept your mouth shut. Talked to me instead of screaming so everyone within a five-mile radius caught wind of what was going on.” Some of my anger had faded into acceptance, but I still blamed her. “All you’ve done is make things exponentially worse for me, Jess. Eli would have been home in a couple days. Now, I won’t get to see him before my parents ship me off. I can’t even tell him I’m leaving because my parents took my phone. I won’t be able to spend my last semester of high school at home. And as if I hadn’t quite felt lonely enough, I will have the pleasure of living in a facility where I know absolutely no one, and no one will give a shit about me. At least here I had Eli and Dr. Chalmers. There…” I shrugged, defeated. “It’s game over.”
“Colbie…” She didn’t have words to fix any of this. Jess had outdone herself this time. “You still have me. Even if I haven’t been the best—”
“Save it, Jess. You’ve helped enough.”
I didn’t stand around to chitchat or listen to her crap excuses for why she hadn’t been a better friend. I’d said what I had to, and now, I needed to go. The damage was done.
16
Eli
Jess’s second call of the trip sent me flying to my old bedroom to pack. I’d expected to hear from the Chapmans, or possibly Caleb—not Jess. And when her voice cracked, I feared what would come next, with good reason.
“Ma,” I called as I climbed the steps. It wasn’t a huge house; she had to hear me. “Ma!” I didn’t wait for her to respond.
My closet door jammed when I tried to open it, and Ma appeared in the midst of my struggle to free my stuff. “Elijah Paxton. Stop that.” She swatted at my hands. “What’s gotten into you?” One of her weathered hands rested on my chest, and the other took hold of the knob. It opened with ease. The weight of her touch calmed my racing mind.
“Colbie.” I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to violate Colbie’s privacy, but there was no way I’d get through all of this without my parents’ support. “I’ve got to get home, Ma.”
She knelt to grab the handle of my suitcase. “Slow down.” My mom didn’t try to stop me as she lifted the empty bag onto my bed and unzipped it. “How can I help?” This was what parents were supposed to do, and it killed me that Colbie didn’t have it. I wondered if she ever had.
I sat with a slight bounce on the edge of my mattress next to the empty luggage. Pulling my hair out by the roots wouldn’t change anything, but it might make me feel better. And while it did provide a bit of relief when I tugged, it didn’t fix jack shit. “I don’t have all the details.” My chest heaved, and I fought off the emotion that threatened to overtake me, but my voice still cracked. “Jess called. Colbie’s parents are sending her to a treatment facility.” I struggled to form words that could wiggle through the tightness in my throat.
&nbs
p; “For what? When?” My mother hadn’t even met Colbie, yet she was outraged.
This was the hard part. As soon as I gave a voice to the issue, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind what her reaction would be. “Bulimia.”
Her spine straightened, and a wrinkle formed under her neck when she pulled back, as if she hadn’t heard me correctly. “Were there not signs, son? How could you not know your girlfriend was sick?” It wasn’t judgment so much as shock. “You’ve always been such an astute boy.” Boy. If she had to scold or teach, I reverted to adolescence from manhood.
I dropped my elbows to my knees and my head into my hands where my poor hair continued to take a beating. “She’s an overachiever.” It wasn’t an excuse, even if it was true. “Everything Colbie does, she has to be the best.”
“That didn’t answer my question.”
“Yes, she’s lost weight. More than I wanted to recognize, I think.” I raised my head and stared my mom in the eyes so she could see the pain I currently felt at the part I’d played in not helping the woman I loved. “And yes, I was a contributing factor, but I didn’t have any idea this was going on.” And I didn’t. “I thought it was just stress.” And that was the truth.
Other than the one time at Jess’s house, I had no clue she binged or purged. Although, Chasity’s comments now made sense…the bathroom trips, the overabundance of running. Separately, none of it amounted to much; together, the puzzle had been in front of me all along.
Beating myself up for the countless miles the two of us had run together wouldn’t change where things were now. Had I known the truth, I would have done something different, although I’d be damned if I could figure out what it would’ve been.
“When does she leave?”
“I don’t know. Jess didn’t know anything more than it’s before I’m supposed to leave Michigan. Jess doesn’t even know where Colbie’s going, Ma.”
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