We’d been through this more times than I could count, and I was trying to come to terms with that, but the truth was that I struggled to accept it. I didn’t have to have flaws. I just needed to get better at managing my life so I didn’t resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
“You’re doing it again.”
My eyes had drifted to the floor in my thoughts and popped back up to Raine. “Huh?”
“You’re dismissing whatever you’re feeling to figure out a way to hide it, fix it, or avoid it. It’s time to face it, so it doesn’t hinder you when Eli gets here.”
But I didn’t want to face it. I put my hand on my stomach and pressed. It was no longer firm and taut. There was a layer of softness that hadn’t been there in ages. When I looked in the mirror, there was an innertube around my midsection. But when I got on the scale, I’d only gained five pounds in two months. The number was small, yet in my world and on my body, it was monumental and uncomfortable. “He’s never seen me at this weight. What if he doesn’t love me anymore?”
She tilted her head, and a gentle smile parted her lips. “I don’t know him other than what you’ve told me, but I believe you’re selling him short. Do you really believe his love is tied up in your waistline?”
“No. Rationally, I know it isn’t. But this isn’t a rational process. If I were rational, I wouldn’t be here.”
“And you have to find ways to combat that mindset, Colbie. Your impression is not necessarily his.”
“But what if it is? What if he doesn’t love me because I’m not the person I was at Christmas? What if he doesn’t like my flaws? What if he doesn’t want me?”
“All those are real possibilities, but Colbie, those are possibilities in any relationship. It’s why people date—to find a person they’re compatible with. It doesn’t mean that your flaws are unlovable. It could just mean that Eli’s not the one to love them.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t handle that level of rejection. Eli was all I had. I hadn’t spoken to anyone in my family. Jess and I had only exchanged letters. And Eli had done all of the communicating with Dr. Chalmers since I’d left. “No.”
She didn’t wait for me to explain. “There are going to be things you can’t control, Colbie. Other people are one of them. We’ve talked about this with your parents and your brothers, but the same is true of friends and boyfriends.”
I wanted to believe I could let everyone else’s opinion go, that it wouldn’t matter to me if I didn’t have their acceptance, as long as I had Eli. But that was an unfair burden to place on another human being—Raine’s words, not mine. It was also just another form of dependency. Ugh. I’d never get this right.
There was a knock on the door. Emily stuck her head inside, and her smile radiated when she found me in the office. “You have a visitor.”
I scrambled to unwind myself from the ball I’d curled into so that my feet hit the ground before my face. My inhibitions disappeared with the notion that I’d get to see Eli. He was here…somewhere. I glanced at Raine who’d stood. She shooed me away with the flick of her wrist. I hoped her eyes still glittered with excitement for me when I returned.
My feet had a mind of their own, and nervous energy came bounding out in little dance steps down the corridor. “Is he in reception?” I grabbed Emily’s hand for support.
“He is.” She squeezed my fingers. “I love seeing you this happy, Colbie.” Emily lowered her voice. “And oh my God, can I just say your beau is smokin’.”
Eli was absolutely hot as hell. I’d noticed that the moment I’d laid eyes on him in third period, right after I’d thought he was a pompous ass.
I stopped in my tracks and jerked Emily’s hand toward me. “How do I look?” I straightened my spine so she could assess me.
Emily tugged me in for a quick hug before pushing me back by my biceps. “Radiant. Happy. Healthy. Beautiful. He’s a lucky man.” She patted my cheek. “Don’t forget that.”
We started walking toward the reception area, and when we rounded the corner, I could see him standing at the end of the long corridor. He turned at the sound of our approach, and even from a distance, it was impossible to miss the smile that spread on his face. I dropped Emily’s hand and took off running. It might have been overkill to anyone else, but I was desperate to be in his arms, to smell his scent, to feel the heat of his breath on my skin. The sound of his voice was different on the phone than in person. It all was. And three months had been too long.
Eli opened his arms just as I launched myself into them. He closed around me and spun in a circle as he held me tight against his chest. A sense of peace washed over me that I hadn’t felt in ages. It was the relief of being home. And it was at that moment that I realized, home wasn’t a dot on a map, it was a state of mind.
I clung to his neck and sucked air through my nostrils, drawing in his woodsy scent. I wanted to see him, but I didn’t want to let him go to pull away.
Eli’s hand held the back of my head, and he dipped his mouth next to my ear. “Hey, beautiful.” The coo of his affection warmed my heart, and I relaxed enough to slide down his front.
But when I pulled away, Eli had other plans. He apparently didn’t care if I got to see his face. He took my lips with his and kissed me unapologetically and unafraid of what onlookers might think. Breathless. When he finally broke free, my cheeks were heated, and I couldn’t take my eyes off his.
Eli stroked my hair. “God I’ve missed you.” He pecked my lips again.
Emily cleared her throat behind me, and I turned, embarrassed. “Raine’s waiting on you both.”
I held Eli’s hand when I introduced them, and when I said his name, I couldn’t help but look up with love through the distance our heights created.
Emily stuck out her hand to shake Eli’s. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Colbie’s told me a lot about you.”
He beamed when he glanced down at me. “So, you want to take me to meet this Raine person?”
“Not particularly, but she’s going to make me if I ever want to get out of the dorms.” I’d been in this part of the facility longer than anyone else since I’d arrived. I wanted out, but until recently, I hadn’t thought I was ready—well, after I admitted that I needed to be here. What I wanted were the phones so I could contact Eli regularly, but what scared me was the rest of the freedom that came with living in the villas.
Emily pushed open Raine’s door once we’d reached it and motioned us in. She quietly disappeared. And once the introductions had taken place, Eli and I took the seats on the opposite side of Raine’s desk.
“I’m glad you could join us, Eli. I know Colbie’s excited you’re here.” That was an understatement.
Raine took the lead on the conversation, telling Eli how important it was to have family and friends included in the recovery process, and I snickered or maybe scoffed. “Colbie, what’s funny about that?”
I glanced at Eli who appeared uncertain, and then I shrugged. “I don’t know. None of my friends or family have been interested in any of this. Does that mean I won’t be successful because I don’t have their help?” My voice wavered with the emotion I tried to contain.
Eli reached out and put his hand on my forearm before sliding it down to tangle with my fingers. “Baby, we’re going to get you through this. I promise.”
Raine set down her pen and leaned forward on her elbows. “No, but having a support system is critical to your recovery.”
I clenched my fists and bit my cheek, desperate to keep the tears from falling. My effort was in vain.
Eli stared at me, lost. He didn’t have a clue how to help or what to say. “Talk to me,” he whispered, as if Raine weren’t sitting three feet from us.
But just like I always did where Eli was concerned, I dropped my guard and opened up. I put on blinders and hoped like hell Raine let me pretend she wasn’t there. I hiccuped and tried ineffectively to wipe the water from my cheeks. “It’s just another example of how they’re not around.
They’re never going to be around. I’m on my own. And now, I can’t even get healthy because I don’t have a net like most kids do.”
He turned to face me, keeping a firm hold on my hand. “Then we create a new network of healthy people who will be in your corner, Cole. I hope like hell your parents and your brothers see what they face losing, but at the end of the day, we’ll make our own way.”
I already knew the answer to this. I had heard it a hundred times from Raine if I’d heard it once. “I can’t control what anyone else does, but I don’t understand why my parents don’t care more. I can’t wrap my mind around how the hierarchy in our family works.” I sniveled and took the tissue that Raine offered across the desk. “Why aren’t I as important as the boys, Eli?”
He reached out and brushed my hair behind my ear. His soft brown eyes filled with a mixture of sorrow born out of love. Eli’s tone was calm and soothing and everything my heart needed. “I don’t know, babe. I hate that you waste your time and energy worrying about it.”
“Nothing I ever do is going to be good enough.” I made the statement under my breath and mostly to myself, but I wasn’t surprised when Eli tilted my chin to keep me from looking away.
“Colbie, you are enough. And I love you. The rest will come. It just might take time.”
“Eli’s right, Colbie. Your focus needs to be you.” She paused for a moment before asking, “Have the two of you talked about what your plans are when Colbie leaves Bright Horizons?” Raine looked to Eli for an answer.
He straightened in his chair and put his arm around my shoulders, keeping a protective, although casual, embrace surrounding me. “That’s why I’m in town.” He proceeded to explain to Raine that he didn’t think either of us had a life waiting in Brogdon, Georgia.
I sat back and listened intently as the two talked, occasionally asking my opinion or including me in the conversation, but most of it I’d already heard from him or her or both. They just hadn’t talked to each other.
“Colbie is still working on her self-image and coping mechanisms. Her fight against control will be hard won. But I have to agree with you; a change of pace and scenery would probably do you both good. If Colbie is nearby, we have an outpatient facility that she can make use of as well. She’s going to have setbacks, and if she doesn’t have a network of people to fall back on, being close to Bright Horizons would be second best.”
I already knew what one setback, in particular, she referred to, but I hadn’t talked to Eli about it, and I didn’t want to with her as a witness. So I made a mental note to discuss it with him later—if there was a later.
Our hour with Raine came and went, and when she opened her office door to escort us out, I didn’t know what the protocol was for Eli’s visit. I didn’t want to ask, but I didn’t want to get in trouble, either. I was too close to successfully completing phase one, and I wanted to move out of the dorms and into the villas.
“Hey, Raine?” I stopped in the door while Eli waited in the hall. “Can he stay for a while?” I felt like a child asking my parents for permission to have my boyfriend over.
She nodded, and I thought I caught a glimpse of pride in her eyes. “Of course. Common areas and courtyards only—no private visits.” Raine raised her brows to indicate what she meant, and I burst out in laughter.
“Okay, mom.” I couldn’t help it; she had become a matronly figure in my life. And as much as I hated to admit it, I admired her.
However, I knew better than to grow attached. Raine was in my life because my parents paid her to be; nevertheless, there was still a special place for her in my heart. She’d shown me tough love, been compassionate, and most importantly, a cheerleader. Raine had wanted my success more than I had at times. And for that, I’d forever be grateful. I wanted her to be proud of me the way I was learning to be proud of myself.
Eli held out his hand for me to take. “Want to show me around?”
“Of course.” I didn’t care what we did as long as I got to have him with me. I escorted him out the side door and down the pathway that made a circuitous route around the property. “How was the drive?” I sighed. “That was lame. I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
I stopped and faced him. “This. All of it. Putting you in a position to even be here. Asking about the trip. A million things, Eli.” It was hard for me to acknowledge being in this position. “It won’t always be like this.” And I believed it wouldn’t.
“Colbie, we all stumble. I want you to be healthy. The only thing about this that bothers me is being away from you. I miss you, and I’m ready to leave Brogdon. But good things come to those who wait…even if it’s forced patience.” He winked, and I loved him a hair more than I had sixty seconds ago, although I didn’t know how that was possible.
He pulled me down the path, refusing to allow me to dwell on something I couldn’t change. I pointed out the different buildings, some of which I had visited and others I hadn’t. When we got to the villas on the backside of the property, it looked more like Fiji than Nashville. The little huts were occupied by two residents per dwelling and coveted by those of us in the dorms. Me more than others.
“Is this where you’ll go next?” Eli peered into one of the windows.
I swatted at him playfully. “Stop. You’re going to get me in trouble.”
“There has to be one that’s not occupied.” He smacked my ass, and I jumped, afraid he’d see it jiggle. Eli didn’t wait long enough to notice anything before he snagged my waist with his arm and tugged me to his chest. “Do you have any idea what I’d do to you with an hour and privacy?” He nipped at my neck and kissed me under my jaw.
“Hmm, I’d let you do whatever you wanted. But there’s no such thing as privacy here.” I pulled back, giggling and then pointed up.
On top of the light pole sat a small camera. They were on all the light poles along the paths and at the entrances to all the villas. No one was ever really alone at Bright Horizons.
He cocked his head and then looked at me. “If I’d had to wait much longer to see you, I might not have been able to resist.” Eli bent down, taking my lips with his. His touch had slowed. Gone was the vigor to take me, and in its place was the longing that lingered just beneath the surface for us both, always.
“I wish I could go home with you.” I pressed my forehead to his, hoping I could transmit my thoughts through osmosis.
“It won’t be long, and I’ll be here.” He pulled back and started to walk, swinging my hand like we were kids. “Have you decided what you want to do about graduation?”
This had been the same topic that Raine had hinted at without mentioning it, and one that I’d successfully avoided with Eli until now. “I go back and forth on whether I want to be there.” It was a shift from when I’d left, but there was also uncertainty now that hadn’t existed before. “If I’m the valedictorian, then I don’t want to miss it, but if I fall from that spot, I’m not sure I want to face that failure in front of hundreds of people.”
“You know that whether its valedictorian or salutatorian, there’s no shame in either, right? You’ve worked hard, and you deserve the recognition for whichever spot you land in.”
I tried to analyze each word Eli had said to see if there was any indication to which spot I currently held. His demeanor gave nothing away, and I couldn’t tell if he even knew. Without asking, I wouldn’t have an answer. Fear kept the words trapped in my mouth, but it was an opportunity for me to ask for something I wanted. Granted it was just information, not someone’s time or attention, but I had to start somewhere. “Do you know what my rank is?” My entire body tensed waiting for his answer, except my heart. That damn organ beat like a tympani drum, reverberating into my chest.
Eli stopped and ran his fingers through his hair. Frustration, or possibly worry, marred his brow. “I’m not sure I’m allowed to tell you that.” His face scrunched, and he shook his head. “I mean because of Bright Horizons, not the school.”
“W
hat does this place have to do with it?”
“I’m fairly certain that your grades are on some sort of hush list.”
I laughed so hard I snorted. “What? Like my class rank is part of a covert operation or something?”
Eli inhaled and then exhaled sharply. “No, more like a deterrent from your recovery. Good or bad. Like if it’s number one, then you’re going to obsess about keeping it there. If it’s number two, then you’re going to worry about getting the top spot back. When in actuality, the only thing that matters is your health.”
It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, nor did it answer my question. “You’re not going to tell me?”
He shrugged. “Honestly, Colbie, I don’t think it benefits you in any way. You’re not going to lose your acceptance to Vanderbilt. Nothing changes whether you’re number one or two. So why worry about it now?”
Every part of me wanted to scream in his face so loudly that his cheeks pushed back from the force of my wind. However, that wouldn’t solve anything, and it wouldn’t get me what I wanted. I clenched my teeth and yanked my hands from his to ball them at my sides. The energy I tried to contain was rolling itself into anger as I forcefully slowed my breathing and became aware of each one I took until I calmed down. The itch to wallow in sorrow or a cake nagged at the back of my mind. It would scratch that part of me that needed satisfying. It was also the first time Eli had ever triggered it.
“Colbie?” Eli reached up and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Baby?” His voice pulled me back from the ledge and acted as the calamine lotion my emotional hives needed.
I closed my eyes. “Just give me a minute.” My tone was harsh and more of a bark than intended. “Please.” I lost count of how many breaths I took, but when I opened my eyes, Eli remained.
“I’m not trying to upset you.”
I licked my lips and swallowed. My cheeks heated with embarrassment when I realized he’d witnessed my freak out. Yet, nothing in his expression said he was bothered or irritated by what had happened. “I know you’re not, Eli. It’s just hard to be kept in the dark about things I’ve worked so hard for.”
Her Perfect Page 31
