Her Perfect

by Walls, Stephie

  My mom turned her head to look at me over her shoulder, briefly. “Same as always. Nothing new to report.” She forced the smile she gave everyone during polite conversation, and then she faced forward.

  “How are the boys?” I was desperate for any kind of connection. “I got a couple letters from Caden and a card from the twins. But that was months ago.”

  “They’re good. They’re all gearing up for summer ball. Caleb’s got them on a grueling schedule starting next week.”

  “What about Carson and Casey? Are they coming for graduation?” I didn’t know if either of my older brothers planned to come home for the summer, but I hoped I would get to see them before I left.

  It was my dad’s turn to reply, which he did after my mother gave him that glance that said, “Why don’t you take this one.” And I was certain it wasn’t something I cared to hear.

  “Sugar, your brothers aren’t going to be able to make it home. They didn’t know for certain that you’d come back for graduation, so they didn’t plan for it.”

  My mother clapped her hands together and turned in the seat again. A genuine smile lifted her aging cheeks; it was the first time I’d noticed her age and the greying hair. “Carson’s going to propose to Heather.”

  It sounded like I should know who Heather was. “Who’s Heather?”

  “Oh, Colbie, sweetie. You really should pay more attention to what’s going on in your brothers’ lives. He’d be crushed to hear you ask that.”

  He’d be crushed. He’d be crushed. And I lost the grip I had on reality. “He’d be crushed? Are you kidding me?”

  Mama chuckled and situated herself better in the seat, so she faced me instead of the windshield. “What’s gotten into you?”

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten, taking as many deep breaths. When I reopened them, she hadn’t moved and waited on me to answer. “Mama, I haven’t seen Carson or Casey since Christmas, and that visit was short-lived. I never talk to them, and I’ve been gone for months…you know, traveling abroad? How on earth would I know who Heather is?”

  She raised her brows to chastise me with a look. “Maybe this summer you can make catching up with your siblings a priority. That would be a lovely thing to do before you leave for school in the fall.” Mama turned to my father. “Wouldn’t that be nice, Phillip?”

  “Your mother’s right, Colbie. I’m sure Carson would love to have you come see him for a weekend. We could plan it so Casey would be around, too. Maybe Caleb could take you.”

  I rubbed my temples. I had three more hours to endure, and I was about to make things more than uncomfortable. “You two don’t listen, do you?”

  “Colbie! When did you become so disrespectful?” My mother scoffed and righted herself in the seat next to my father.

  I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see me. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, Mama.” I breathed in through my nose and slowly released it through my mouth. “I just wish the two of you would listen to me.”

  Daddy laughed. “Sugar, you haven’t said anything for us to hear.”

  Fair enough. “I know Eli came to talk to you last night. And based on that conversation, you are aware that I won’t be in Georgia this summer. So inferring that I should spend time with brothers who have never bothered to spend time with me is not only asinine, it’s an impossibility; at least it is in the manner you suggested.”

  My father gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles went white, and my mother laid her hand on his forearm. This was about to get ugly. If Phillip or Elise Chapman ever lost their cool, there was no coming back from it. I’d only seen it a handful of times in my life. Once with each of the twins, once with a football coach my three oldest brothers played under, and once with Casey when he’d been caught with a girl in my parents’ house. This would make number five, and as far as I was concerned, it would be the last.

  “You’re not leaving with that boy, Colbie. There won’t be a discussion. We raised you to be a lady, and only tramps live with men before they’re married—”

  “If that’s the technicality you need to be remedied for you to be comfortable with our relationship, I’m quite sure Eli would be happy to oblige.” I quirked a brow and folded my arms in the back seat, knowing Daddy could see my defiance in the mirror.

  My mother swung around like a revolving door. “You will not marry some random man the day after you graduate. Why would you want to throw your future away?”

  “You don’t get it both ways, Mama. You don’t get to tell me that I can’t leave with him because I’m not married and tell me that I can’t marry him because I’m throwing my future away. Eli is not some hoodlum off the streets. He has a doctorate for the love of God—”

  “Don’t you take the Lord’s name in vain.” My mother shook a bony finger in my face.

  “Oh for Christ’s sake, Mama. Listen to me.” I’d raised my voice, my mother blanched, and my father was pulling over the SUV. “You lost your ability to have a say in my life—both of you—when you abdicated your responsibility to a treatment center in Tennessee and lied to everyone we know.”

  “Colbie—”

  I held up my hand, halting my father. “No, Daddy. I’ve listened to the two of you for eighteen years; now it’s time you hear me.” I had prepared myself for this in therapy; I’d just never believed it would come down to it. The deep breath I took did nothing to make it any easier. “I didn’t want to go to Bright Horizons, but I’m grateful you sent me. I learned more about myself than I think would have ever been possible on my own.”

  My mother gave me a satisfied smirk, the one that said, “See, mother knows best.” Daddy had stopped the SUV on the side of the highway, and both now turned in their seats, giving me their undivided—albeit unhappy—attention.

  “But what I hadn’t expected was to get confirmation of what I’d believed all along about the two of you. I was insignificant. Every visiting day that passed that neither of you showed up, I pushed you a little further from my life. Every family counseling session you didn’t attend sealed that fate a little tighter.”

  “Colbie,” my mother huffed. “You can’t expect us to just stop what we’re doing to drive to Tennessee for an hour or two during the week.”

  I smiled and shook my head. “You do it for Georgia football.” And I let that comment sink in. “And I get that we all prioritize things in life. We make time for what matters. Who matters. And while neither of you made time for me, Eli did. Over and over. Jess even came to a couple sessions.” I stared at them, knowing what they were thinking. “But don’t worry, she never told Caden where I was or that she’d seen me. Your lie is a well-guarded secret.”

  My mother’s lips parted as if she might say something, but then she licked them, and three wrinkles marred her forehead. It might have been confusion or worry. I didn’t know which, but it wasn’t my problem to deal with anymore. I could only control me.

  “Today, when I get home, I will pack my stuff. Tomorrow, I’ll find out if I’m valedictorian or salutatorian, and I hope you’ll be there to congratulate me on either. I’ve written a beautiful speech about overcoming adversity and finding yourself that I hope I get to deliver, but if not, I’m still going to be proud of what I’ve done.” I prayed like hell that was true. God, I wanted to be okay with wherever the chips fell on this, but that was tomorrow’s struggle, not today’s. “And the following morning, Eli will pick me up, and we will leave for Tennessee.”

  My mom shook her head with so much vigor that strands of hair fell from her perfect up-do. “No, ma’am.” She closed her eyes and kept shaking. “Nope. That is not how things are going to go.”

  I reached out and touched her hand and then placed my other hand on my father. “Your option is to have a couple of days before I leave, or I’ll leave when we pull into the driveway. This isn’t up for debate. The only questionable part is your role in it.” I managed to keep my expression stilled, or at least I thought I had. My vibrato was stro
ng, as was my voice, yet inside, I trembled like a leaf. That little girl still craved her parents’ approval and love.

  There wasn’t another word said. My mom removed her hand from mine and gave my dad a look that communicated something between them. Daddy put the SUV in gear, and we spent the following three hours in complete silence. Not even the radio played as we traveled the highway back to Brogdon.

  * * *

  My homecoming was bittersweet. I knew it would be, but I’d prayed it would be a happier occasion. My parents didn’t give me the opportunity to see anyone last night. I felt like a hostage in a large, plantation-style cage. The piano was still locked—I didn’t bother asking for the key. My brothers were home, and Mama made dinner.

  I’d called Eli as soon as I got my hands on my cell phone, and he gave me the option to see it through at their house, or he’d come to get me. We both hoped a little time would help my parents ease into acceptance, and I decided to stay. I’d almost regretted it the moment Mama called me to dinner.

  Mounds of food sat before me, steaming hot in the bowls from my childhood. I’d always loved my mom’s cooking. I hadn’t seen or smelled it in months. Between that and the tension that surrounded us, I struggled not to eat everything in sight.

  There on that table sat emotional fulfillment. And relapse. That was the thing about an eating disorder. Unlike an alcoholic or a drug addict, I couldn’t remove food from my life. Moderation was not a word that I enjoyed. I hated saying it. The sound of that word made me cringe because reminding myself I needed to use it meant I was out of control. I’d allowed someone or something else to dictate my happiness.

  “Cole, you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Caden’s concern warmed my heart. Regardless of what had happened between us, my little brother loved me.

  That was enough to bring a tender smile to my lips and calm the beast within me that wanted to feed. It also made me realize that everything about this environment was unhealthy. Everything here was a trigger that could send me soaring down the rabbit hole of destructive behavior.

  “I’m sorry. Please excuse me.” I touched the napkin I’d had folded in my lap to my lips, and then I set it on the table next to my plateful of food.

  “Colbie, you haven’t eaten. Sit down.” But my father’s command no longer held jurisdiction in my life.

  I slid the chair under the table. “Mama, thank you for making dinner. I’m sure everyone will enjoy it.” And I walked away with my father hollering after me, and my mother’s confusion working the table in whispered worry.

  I climbed the stairs, knowing no one—except maybe Caden—would follow. But I’d heard my father stop that from happening as well, and Caden wouldn’t go against him unless he thought I was in duress. Oddly enough, I wasn’t. I’d left my parents’ dinner table with a smile.

  Once I was tucked inside my room, I found a free spot on the bed among the boxes and bags of my stuff I’d packed, and I called Eli.

  “Hey, beautiful.”

  My heart filled with joy at the sound of his voice. It was never anything other than love. “Hey.”

  “Everything okay?” Eli was the only person besides Caden who instantly knew when something was off with me.

  I sighed, but it wasn’t one of frustration. It was a realization. “I don’t think I should stay here anymore.”

  “Did something happen?” Endearment morphed into panic.

  I ran my hand through my hair and twirled the ends. “Yep. I decided I’m worth more, and the Chapman house isn’t where I need to be.”

  “Okay.” There was zero hesitation in his voice or his question. “How much time do you need?”

  I dropped my hair and ran my hand down my thigh to stall my bouncing knee. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

  “Baby, I’ve been waiting months to be able to act on that. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  True to his word, Eli was on my parents’ front porch by the time I’d rounded up the rest of my things from the bathroom and tossed my car keys into my bag. I was coming down the stairs when Caden opened the door.

  Like most teenage guys, Caden stuck his hand out to Eli in some manshake sort of greeting that Eli reciprocated. “What are you doing here, man? Caleb’s at home.”

  Eli’s eyes shifted to me on the stairs. “I’m here for your sister.” Adoration dripped from that sentence, and I knew I’d made the right choice.

  Everything that had happened in the last months had all led to this moment. The time where I got to pick him, and he got to pick me. Openly.

  “Hey, babe. You ready?”

  Caden turned toward me, then back to Eli. “Wait. What?”

  I continued down the stairs, and Caden opened the door to allow Eli inside. The commotion from the dining room indicated my parents were on their way, which meant the twins would follow.

  I met Eli in the foyer and took his side. I resisted the urge to lean up and take the kiss I so desperately wanted. My parents might not have any respect for me, but this was still their house. He slipped his arm around my waist, providing a certain level of emotional protection.

  “I’m totally lost. When did the two of you become an item?”

  My father made sure to answer that question before either Eli or I could. “They’re not. Eli, you need to go home. Colbie, upstairs.”

  “Afraid not, Dr. Chapman.” Eli leaned down to whisper in my ear. “Go get your bag, beautiful. We’ll come back to get all your things.” He kissed my cheek, and I did as I was told. “Sir, Colbie is leaving with me. We will see you at graduation tomorrow. And Wednesday, we’ll come back to get her things while everyone’s out of the house.”

  I didn’t listen to the rest. I needed to hurry before this turned into a brawl in the entranceway. With my cell phone and bag in hand, I raced back down the stairs to find my dad less than two inches from Eli’s face, Caden trying to work himself between them, and my mother glaring holes through me like I’d caused the scene in her home.

  “Daddy.” I cleared my throat and tried again when neither man stopped talking. “Daddy!”

  They both faced me with emotion thick in their expressions.

  “Stop. Now.” My chest heaved as I tried my best to diffuse the situation. “Your problem is with me, not Eli. I’ve given you ample opportunities to discuss it, and neither you nor Mama have taken them. So now I’m making the best decision I can for me and my health.”

  I kissed my dad on the cheek and then my mom. “I hope I’ll see you all at graduation tomorrow. I love you.” Then I took Eli’s hand, and Caden opened the door—shell shocked—to let us out.

  There was something final in the click of the latch behind us when we walked down the steps.

  * * *

  “Eli.” I stood with my hand on the knob. “Please don’t make me walk into the auditorium to find out who got the spot.” I’d tried the best I could not to ask about this. I wanted to be okay with waiting until I got there. “If I’m going to break down, I don’t want to do it in front of the entire town.” My eyes glistened with unshed tears, tears I fought hard to keep at bay. It wasn’t my rank that overwhelmed me, but the thought of my public reaction I couldn’t contain. I wanted to handle either outcome with grace because I deserved that, and so did Jess.

  Eli’s eyes softened, and he lifted his brows just a hair. And that was my answer. He took my hand in his, and I blinked, causing the emotion to slide down my cheek. “Second is an honorable position, Colbie.” His arms secured my body in a fortress of protection, a shield from the world. “I know how hard you worked.”

  I didn’t have to see Eli’s face. I could hear the emotion in each choked-up word. There wasn’t much to say, nothing actually, so I nodded against his chest and held on tight. I’d prepared myself for this. In my heart, I’d known. There were too many months that I wasn’t in a classroom and too many bobbles. When you want to be the best, a minus sign next to an A was the difference between success and failure. Six months ago, I woul
d have been defeated by this. It would have consumed me. Today, I was proud of the choice I’d made. I’d chosen myself over valedictorian.

  Eli stroked the back of my head, and when I finally pulled back, I did so with a smile on my lips despite the tears hanging from my chin. I lifted onto my toes and pressed my mouth to his. His hands left the small of my back and cupped my jaw so he could deepen the kiss. And while Eli didn’t get crazy, he made sure to love me well.

  “I’m proud of myself.” I stroked his cheek with my thumb and stared into the chocolate-brown eyes that did more to soothe my soul than any binge ever had. “And I’m happy for Jess.” I hoped he saw the truth. I’d fought hard to get to a place where second best didn’t sting. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wanted to be first, but in the end, I had something far better than a title no one would remember a year from now. I pulled the speech I’d written from my pocket and placed it on the counter at my side, knowing I wouldn’t need it.

  The warmth of his lips pressed to my forehead was a stamp of approval that I no longer needed but loved having just the same. He wasn’t my crutch; he was my partner. In everything. Eli stood at my side where he could hold my hand or help hold me up. There was no doubt in my mind he’d step forward if I needed him to lead or behind if I needed him to catch me when I fell. And I’d do the same for him. Forever.

  “You ready, beautiful?”

  I swiped the tears from under my eyes and grabbed a paper towel from the counter to dab my face. “Did I ruin my makeup?”

  Eli shook his head. “Nah, you’re still stunning.” He looked me up and down. “Even in that horrible black gown.” And then he winked. He’d loved everything about this gown an hour ago when he’d lifted it to my waist along with the skirt of my dress beneath it, removed my panties, and shown me just how stunning he thought I was.