Contents
Tilt
My World Tilted
Love at First Smile
Loving Someone
Now It’s Summer Vacation
Emily’s Parents Aren’t Home
Something Different?
Three Words
Can’t Wait
Thank God It’s Summer
What’s Got My Tightie Whities
And So
I Actually Met Tara
I Want Her Opinion
Till Cupid Comes Calling
Too Far
Lately I’ve Been Searching Online
When We Finally Meet
I Hide Hurt
So This Weekend Visit
Usually
Well, Officially
She Stands in the Doorway
I Stuff All That Inside
They Also Make Me Feel
Gaming
No-Win Situation
God, I Miss Dylan
If I Keep Reliving
So Not Funny!
Mom Jumps to My Defense
Smug
I Hate Decisions
I Shave
By the Time
What I Know About Him
Mangoes Make Me Itch
Turns Out
He Struggles
Bitch-Slapped
Straight
I Didn’t Ask
I’d Say
Which Somehow Launches Us
Lame
Way TMI!
Munchkin!
A Best Friend
A Conscience
So I’m Very, Very Quiet
Out of the Loop
He Rolls Me onto My Back
He Takes Mikayla Home
Some Secrets
Why?
I’m Tired
Later, We’re Going Out
No Shit
Chad Sputters a Denial
Of Course, He Doesn’t Know
Surprises
I Can’t Believe
Seems Like Guys
Maybe I’ll Talk to Gram
Mom Plays Chauffeur
Prosser Reservoir
Beauty?
Showing Off
Three-Day Weekends Suck
When I Really Stop
One of the Guys
One Thing
Okay, More Like
Enough!
In a Ten-Second Span
Messages
Ruining My Day
I Plaster On
Bizarrely
She’s So Playable!
Turns Out
Dirty Movies
Making Love
The Closest I’ve Come
Of Course, Going Straight
While Waiting
It Is, in Fact
Any Small Sense of Fear
Fireworks
This Night
There Are Couples Everywhere
Subzero Cold
Suddenly, Someone Yells
Now He Waves Me Over
But When I Turn Around
Traitor
I Wanted to Scream
So When Emily Called
Em Comes Straight Out
No Freaking Kidding
Past Tense
The Sentence Remains Unfinished
I Despise Being in the Middle
A Bad Thing
Glowing
When I Think Like That
It Was Like Chanting a Mantra
Forever
Everyone’s Laughing
Believe It or Not
Wish I Could Forget
It Pays
I Want Him
Speaking of Vamps
If He Can Love Bella
The Movie Ends
It’s After One A.M.
Faces Washed and Teeth Brushed
Kissing
Apologies Are Useless
I’ve Said I’m Sorry
I Let Dylan Know I Can Escape
I Ponder Those Two Things
He Holds Up His Longboard
I Consider That
I’m Not Really the Jealous Type
Uh, Question
Distraction
So Is His Audience
The Last Time I Asked
A Soft Whistle
Death
Faith
If You Hold Someone
Totally Stupid
How Could I Say No?
I Didn’t Want to Like Him
So I’m Sorry
I’m Afraid Her Heart Will, Too
Listening In
Dating
For One Thing
Case in Point
I Think About These Things
I Shower Away
I Suspect
Ugly
It Might Have Ended There
His Face Flushed Beet Purple
Later, Something Happened
She Is Distracted
The Answer Is So Obvious
Success in That Endeavor
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
I Hear
Dancing
Cassie Rocks
We Are Cruising the Mall
And She Says
She Turns onto McCarran Boulevard
As the Story Goes
I’m Kind of Speechless
When We Get Back to Dad’s
Pregnant
To Abort or Not to Abort
I Keep Thinking of It
That Makes Him Smile
But Now He Stops
When We Finish
He Jolts Upright
He Is So Sincere
It’s a Silent Drive Home
Drowning
Paying
My Parents
Should I Forgive and Forget?
Look Up “Hypocrite”
She’s Hanging On
Monterey
And at This Moment
Pamela Is Efficient
Mom Pulls Away
Is It Better
A Monster
The Worst Thing
I Watch Dad Now
It’s a Throw-Down
Evil Things
I Know It’s Stupid
Five Puffs Later
The Right Thing
Childhood
I’ve Researched
Meanwhile, I’ll Keep Puking
Totally Overboard
She Knows!
Now Mom Notices
Stunned
First Week
New Boyfriend, New Kitten
It’s Only Been a Couple of Days
Algebra and Chem
I Break a Small Sweat
Despite Our Hopes and Prayers
Sadness
All Smiles
Even If That’s True
She Sighs
Too Many Secrets
Like Fourth of July
The Difference
Good Question
Rockin’
It’s Hard
It’s Even Harder
I Can’t Not
He’s Whining Now
Okay, That’s a Pisser
Seething
We Don’t Speak
I Try Not to Stress
As I Lie in Bed
More and More
Delicate
There’s Nothing I Can Do
He’ll Be Here Soon
I Don’t Know About That
Someone’s at the Front Door
Alex Trails Them
Alex Thinks It’s Romantic
Considering
Sharing the Table
Love Is Weird
The Perfect Kiss
And, for Once
Dad Is Pretty Distracted
I Almost Chicken Out
“More”
Mom Isn’t Noti
cing Much
Bri’s Dad Agreed
Wonder What They’re Arranging
The Waiting Game
Two Small Carry-Ons
I Decline
I Expect an Angry Retort
Are All Relationships Cursed?
Mom Gets Back
Las Vegas Is Insane
As We Wait
It’s an Awkward Few Seconds
Now the Catching Up Begins
Overdosing on Small Talk
The Whole Truth
Bad Things
It Is Early Morning
In the Recliner
Gram Goes to Make the First Call
Death Is Awkward
It Is Ten A.M.
Alex Shows Up
It Isn’t Until
My Eyes Sting
Death
I Wish
Which Made Me Even Angrier
If Mom Can’t See That
After the Words
A Gentle Slant
After the Dirge
Bri and I Load Plates
I Have No Idea
Divided
I Didn’t Know Shelby
So I Was at the Funeral Today
And Hearing About
I Don’t Know Why Mom
We Find Dad in the Kitchen
Trace and Bri
Dissolve
We Are Barely Parked
At This Moment
The Plan
It’s Who I Was
I Go Back to My Room
So I Do a Search for “God”
I Realize Something Else, Too
Any Idea
Praying
I Have to Admit
I Hate How Relationships
Case in Point
I Don’t Want to Think
He Makes Me Wait
Yet, I Let Him Kiss Me
Getting Off
Patience
I Am Semi-Saved
Do I Care?
As If!
When I Pass Through
Kristy Smiles Triumph
I Gentle My Hands
Stunned
I Want to Talk
I Pulled Away
It’s Not Like People Close to Me
I’m Staring into My Locker
The Lord’s Name in Vain Thing
Unexpectedly, She Freaks
Gram and Gramps
I Yank My T-Shirt
A Sliver
Totally Changed
“Almost,” Meaning
I Try to Make It Sexy
My Cell Buzzes
If There Ever Was an Eve
Listen to Me
Guess I’ll Have to Be
It’s Not
Deviant
Straight
I Almost Invent an Excuse
Courage Bolstered
I Knock on the Door
She?
Curly and Larry
Sixty Seconds
Fault
A Good Friend
Way Too Much Information
I Am Such a Loser
Poor Alex
The Bottle
I Swear, If He Says
Oh, Yeah, I Do
Without Him
I Want to Be Strong
I Did Have to Lie
But I Am Curious
Something About Her Denial
This Beer Is Light
The Guys Want a Beer, Too
The Question
The Worst Trick
Funny
And What Slipped Out
I Sit Alone
Something About Knowing
I Get Dressed
I Drive Home
Life Isn’t Fair
Ducking for Cover
And Also Death as a Character
She Gave Me an A
A Slow Burn
If I Only Had a Gun
I Decide to Skip
God
Beef Broccoli Consumed
I Sleep Great
I’m Running
When I’m Busy Running
It Does, and So Does Her Response
I Don’t Know
So, After Mom Picks Me Up
It’s Late Afternoon
They Start with the Usual
Is She Happy?
Sometimes You Choose, You Lose
I Suppose, Sooner or Later
Still, Every Day
Dad Being a Lawyer
Mom Always Says
My Last Class
I Think I’m Having
That Weight
Fairy-Tale Love
There Are a Dozen Place Settings
I Fantasize About That
It Is Dad Who Comes to the Rescue
Waves of Food
It’s Really Sort of Surprising
Post Pie
She Asks for “White Christmas”
Naked Girl Pics
What Is His Problem?
Shane Nods at Chad
He Wanted to Show Me Off!
Just Like That
Mom’s All for My Plan
When We Get to the House
I Don’t Exactly Have a Nightmare
I Carry That with Me All Day
Turns Out
Lead Her into the Bedroom
I Have Resisted
I’ve Known Him
It Was a Surreal Moment
One Thing I Do Know
It’s Such an Adult Idea
The Call Comes
Now, the Ones
She Prefaces Her Answer
The Setup
Staying Positive
There’s Also the Not Small Issue
As If That Isn’t Enough
This Evening, Mom Is Hosting Tea
First Impressions
Conspicuously Absent
I Turn On My Music
Jäger and Downers
I’m Yelling
Afraid, Angry, Ashamed
I’m Not Even Sure
The Best Part of All?
I Mean, Who Could I Tell
So I’ve Kept It All In
It’s So Close, in Fact
Snow Swirls
The Waiting Room
But Maybe It’s Time
I’m Feeling Good
A Big Part of Me
Exhausted
Outside
Bone Weary
A Baby
I’m Sorry
Kill Myself?
Why Would I?
That She’s Willing
In a Few Minutes
Here I Am
Too Late, Harley
The Door Opens
All Decked Out
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
This book is dedicated to all families
dealing with chronic illness.
Walk bravely.
Tilt
Should the sun beat
summer too fiercely
through your afternoon
window, you can
slant
the blinds to temper
heat and scatter light,
sifting shadows this way
and that with a
lean
of slats. And if candor
strikes too forcefully,
step back, draw careful
breath and consider the
angle
your words must take
before you open
your mouth, let them leak
out. Because once you
tilt the truth,
it becomes a lie.
Mikayla
My World Tilted
Completely off its axis the night
I hooked up with Dylan Douglas.
It was New Year’s Eve—five
months ago—so maybe part of that
earth-sway had something to do with
the downers, weed and cheap beer,
a dizzying combo on an empty stomach.
What I know for sure is
, when he came
slinking up like a cougar—all tawny
and temperamental—something inside
me shifted. Something elemental.
I, probably the oldest prude in my whole
junior class, transformed into vamp.
When he smiled at me—me!—I knew
I had to make him mine. I would
have done anything. Turned out, all
I had to do was smile back. Just like
that, we belonged to each other.
Love at First Smile
That’s what it was. He says so,
and I agree. What kind of girlfriend
would I be if I argued about something
like that? Not only that, but we
fell in love as a new year began.
Symbolism there. And I didn’t need
a resolution when a result had
just occurred. All the hurt of
losing my last boyfriend—who was
at the same party, slobbering
all over my ex–good friend,
Tricia—dissolved, shaved ice in
a cup of hot tea. Dylan is a hundred
times the guy Josiah is. Thank
God I didn’t give my virginity
to him. I didn’t give it to Dylan
right away, either. Unlike Josiah,
he never pressured me to. But after
a couple of months, love spoke
louder than fear. One night
we were mostly naked and
all knotted up in each other’s
arms. And the time just seemed
right to say, “I want to. Please.”
Dylan was just so cute. Are you
sure? He said it right before
I stripped off my panties. And
he confirmed, You’re positive?
just as I pushed him inside me.
I think I wanted it more than he did.
And all that hype about awful
pain? Well, that may be true
for some people. But, except for
a couple of seconds of intense
pressure, it didn’t hurt at all.
But it made our connection steel.
Loving Someone
That much—so much he means
more to you than anything—changes
things. You lose friends, because
you’d rather be with him than with them.
I’ve always been popular. Cheerleader.
Junior class president. Homecoming
princess. All the girls wanted to hang
with me. One was even a stalker.
Now, they still smile and say hello,
but the only ones who I’m really close
to are Audrey and Emily. Both of them
have sleepover boyfriends, at least when
their parents aren’t home. That’s another
thing love changes—your relationship
with your parental units. It becomes
them versus you, as if they’re afraid
of losing you. Jealous of the person
who can make that happen. News flash,
Mom and Dad. I’ll be eighteen in a few
months. You’ve already lost me.
Now It’s Summer Vacation
Definition: sleeping in. Lazy days
at Tahoe. Parties. And that leads me to
deception. Because here’s the thing
about parents. Mostly, they don’t want
their kids to have fun, at least not
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