“Val?”
Mum turned round slowly, the smile freezing onto her face like a mask.
“I thought it was you. I wasn’t sure but...” The woman trailed off. “How are you, Val?” Her eyes were bright, as if she was trying not to cry.
Mum’s mouth moved but no sound came out. She looked around for Nan, but she was still over by the cakes. The woman stared at Mum. Neither of them said anything. I was scared suddenly – I don’t know why. It was the silence, the look on Mum’s face.
“And this must be Bee,” the woman said finally. “I can’t believe how grown up she is.”
My heart started to thud. How did she know my name? I’d never met her before in my life.
“I’m...I’m sorry,” said Mum, her voice breaking. She dropped the five euro note on the display of necklaces and backed away. “I’m so sorry, really, but I’ve...we’ve...got to go.” She grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me into the crowd.
“Val!” The woman’s voice rang out after us. “Please!”
I looked back. She was still standing there, tears starting to trickle down her face, but Mum began to run, pulling me along, dragging me away from the market. I clutched hold of the turquoise necklace, close to tears myself, worried about Nan and how she was going to find us.
“What’s going on?” I shouted. “Who was that? How do you know her?”
“No one,” said Mum. “I don’t know her, it was just a mistake.”
I yanked her arm hard, forcing her to stop. “Don’t be stupid, she knew who I was. She knew our names!”
Mum bent over to catch her breath. When she straightened up, she held me by the shoulders, gripping me tight.
“You’re right, Bee, I’m sorry. I do know her. She’s someone I knew a long time ago, but we fell out. Really badly. It was the shock, that’s all, seeing her again after all these years.”
“But why did you fall out? What happened? Is she the person who’s been writing to you?”
“Look, we’d better find Nan,” she said, stretching up, trying to spot her over the crowds. “She’ll be over by the food somewhere, wondering where we are. Come on.”
I rubbed my shoulder where Mum’s fingers had dug in. How could you fall out with someone that badly?
As soon as we got back to the hotel, Mum disappeared upstairs to her room, complaining of a headache. She’d hardly said a word the whole way back from the market. I’d tried to ask again what was going on, why the woman had been so upset, but Nan had given me a look and changed the subject, nattering on about how many different varieties of olives there were, as if nothing had happened.
I waited until Mum had gone up and then turned to Nan. “There was this woman by the jewellery stall,” I started. “She tried to talk to us, she was crying, but Mum just ran off.”
Nan was quiet for a moment as if she was working out what to say – or more likely what not to say. “Your mum’s really not herself at the moment, Bee,” she said in the end. “She’s still upset about your dad and what happened before we came away. I wouldn’t read too much into it if I was you.”
“Yes, but do you know who this woman is? Did she send Mum the letters? Is she the old friend who’s been writing to her?”
Nan shook her head, but she didn’t quite meet my eye. “Come on, luvvy, let’s go down to the pool. We don’t want to miss our last chance to catch the sun.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Bee came running down to the beach just before twelve. I’d been waiting for ages, terrified that Dad might appear at any moment. It was Luke’s memorial at four and I really needed to explain where I was going and why we couldn’t spend the rest of the day together. I didn’t want the holiday to end without telling her the truth about Luke, however difficult it was.
“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she called out, racing over and clambering up to join me. “I’ve had the worst morning. Mum made me go to this market and I couldn’t even text you because my phone was dead. Anyway, while we were there, my mum saw a woman she used to know and she totally freaked out. It was awful. The woman was crying and calling out to us and my mum just grabbed me and ran.”
“You’re kidding. Who was she?”
“I don’t know, Mum wouldn’t say, just that they’d fallen out a long time ago. I tried asking my nan but she wouldn’t tell me either. I’m sure she’s the friend who sent the letters – do you remember, I told you the other day?”
“Yeah, I remember. Maybe she’s your dad’s ex or something?”
Bee frowned. “I don’t think so somehow...oh, I don’t know, I suppose. Anyway, look, I bought you this.”
She pulled something out of her pocket and held it out to show me. It was a delicate turquoise necklace.
“It’s a leaving present,” she said. “I know we’re going to see each other again, but it’s just so you remember the holiday.”
“Oh, it’s beautiful.” I took the necklace carefully and held it up to the sun. “Look how the light passes through the glass. I’ll wear it every single day, I promise. And I’ll never, ever forget the holiday.”
I couldn’t believe Bee had bought me something so special. I had to tell her the truth. It would be so awful if she found out I’d been lying to her all along before I had the chance to explain properly. I mean what if she ever came over after the holiday and saw photos of Luke plastered all over the walls? She’d never trust me again.
We sat there chatting for a while and then I said I had something to show her. I led her around the bay and over the rocks to the cliffs. We trekked right up to the top, pulling each other along the dusty path. Bee kept moaning that it was too hot and that she wanted to run back down to the sea for a paddle, but I urged her to keep going.
“Finally,” she gasped when we got to the top, flopping down on a rough patch of grass that had grown up between the chalky rocks. “I can’t believe we made it! Have you been up here before?”
“Just once, last year,” I said, flopping down next to her and wrapping my arms round my knees. “I came up here with my mum when my dad was in one of his foul moods. It’s so peaceful, and I love the way the sea sparkles in the sun.”
“It’s amazing,” Bee agreed. “It feels as if we’re the only two people in the world.”
We stared out across the sea, quiet for a moment, the sun warming our faces. “I wish we were the only two people in the world,” I said after a bit. I turned to face her, forcing myself to speak. “Listen, there’s something I need to tell you. I should’ve told you ages ago, right at the start of the holiday, but I didn’t know how.”
“But you can tell me anything, Lizzie, you know you can.”
My heart began to beat a bit faster but I forced myself to carry on. “Do you remember when we were chatting about how much we both loved Little Women and I said I was an only child?”
She nodded.
“Well, I was lying. I’m not an only child. Well, I am now, but I used to have an older brother called Luke.”
“What do you mean, used to?”
I stared out across the sea. “He’s dead.”
“Oh God, Lizzie. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, it was years and years ago. I was really young, too young to remember. He was in a car accident, here, in Spain. That’s why we come back every year, so my mum and dad can mark the anniversary of his death. We’re actually having a special ceremony later this afternoon because it’s been ten years since the accident.”
Bee shivered in the heat. “How awful. What happened?”
I shook my head. “I don’t really know all the details. No one ever talks about it, not properly. There are photos of him everywhere and his room hasn’t been touched since he died – but no one will tell me what actually happened.”
“But you must know something. Were you in the car?”
I shook my head again. “We were over here on holiday; it was the first year we came. Luke was hanging out with this boy and they got really drunk one night. And that’s whe
n the accident happened.”
“What about the other boy? Did he die as well?”
“No, he survived.”
“Is that why your dad’s so strict?”
I glanced down, twisting a blade of grass around my finger. It was hard to explain.
“Yes, but more than just that. It’s like he’s totally obsessed with keeping me safe. He says Luke got in with a bad crowd at school and that they led him astray, and that’s why I have to be homeschooled. I know they must miss him and everything, and that he was their only son, but it’s ruining my life. I don’t think I can take much more.”
“What do you mean?”
“Dad’s just so controlling. And his moods...he’s angry all the time. It’s like he’s got this rage inside, boiling up, ready to explode – and he takes it out on me and Mum. She’s scared of him, Bee. We both are, to be honest.”
Bee reached across to give me a hug. “I don’t know what to say. It’s so awful. My dad’s the total opposite. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him shout at anyone, even when he’s arguing with Mum. What’s your dad been like since he got here?”
I shrugged. “Okay, I guess, but it’s complicated. He’s got other things on his mind this week; he’s been distracted. But I’m dreading going home.”
“Isn’t there someone you could talk to? Someone who could help?”
“No one would understand. No one knows the whole story. You’re the only person I’ve ever told. The only person I’ve ever trusted enough.”
I lay back in the grass, staring up at the sky. I was relieved I’d told Bee the truth, but it didn’t really change anything. “I wish we could stay up here for ever. Something happened to my dad the day my brother died. It’s like his heart froze over. I know it sounds terrible but I wish I never had to see him again in my life.”
The ceremony for Luke came round all too soon. Mum had found this shady, wooded area about ten minutes’ drive from the hotel. She said we’d had a picnic there the day before Luke died and that it was one of her happiest memories of us all together. Apparently Luke had kept me entertained for ages by putting slices of orange in his mouth, skin side out, and then smiling, so that it looked as if he had an orange smile.
“You were squealing with laughter,” she said, as we set off from the hotel. “You kept saying, ‘Orange mouth again, Lukie! Orange mouth again!’”
“Is that what I called him then?” I asked. A funny feeling washed over me. Not a memory exactly, just a weird sense that I’d seen a boy with a segment of orange in his mouth – but I couldn’t say where or when or if it was even Luke.
“We all did,” said Mum quietly. “He was our Lukie.” Her eyes filled with tears and she turned to stare out of the window. She’d been crying ever since I got back to the hotel. Dad said she’d had a bad morning and that the sooner the ceremony was over the better. He was driving along now, his face set like stone. He never joined in with Mum’s memories of Luke.
The wooded area was completely deserted. Mum led us through to a small clearing and laid out some blankets. I wondered if she’d come here earlier in the week to make sure it was secluded enough. It wasn’t as if we could hold a private ceremony with loads of other people hanging around.
“I’ve brought a candle and some music,” she said. “But that’s all really. I just wanted us to be together, to mark the day.” Tears started to run down her face. “I know they say time’s a great healer but sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him...”
“This really isn’t helping!” snapped Dad. His voice sounded even louder than usual in the silence of the wood. “I thought you said you wanted to mark the day in a positive way. Isn’t that what you said?”
“Please, Michael. Don’t shout at me, not today. It’s not just the anniversary...”
“What?” I said. “What else is it?”
Mum and Dad glanced at each other. “It’s nothing,” sniffed Mum. “Just something that happened earlier. Have you brought anything for the ceremony, Lizzie?”
I shook my head.
“But I thought you said you were going to write a few words...”
“No, Mum! You said I was going to write a few words – I never said I was going to write anything. Can we just go back to the hotel? This is creeping me out.”
“Don’t be so selfish,” snapped Dad. But he looked as if he wished he could go as well.
Mum put her hands over her ears. “Can you both just be quiet, please, for one afternoon! That’s not too much to ask, is it?”
She took the candle out of her bag, her hand trembling as she held a lit match to the wick. The flame flickered and went out. She tried again, striking another match, and then another. “I’ve brought some photos with me,” she said, when the candle was finally lit. “Some photos from that holiday...”
There was a moment’s silence and then Dad swiped at the bag, knocking it out of Mum’s hands. “No!” he barked. “I’ve had enough! I don’t want to look at any bloody photos! It’s been ten years, for Christ’s sake. I can’t do this any more, Val, we’ve got to move on.” He jumped up and walked off into the trees, his shoulders hunched up around his ears.
Mum watched him go, her face crumbling. “I really wanted you to prepare something, Lizzie,” she said, turning to look at me. “Something small, anything, just to mark the day.”
“I am marking the day. I’m here, aren’t I?” I wanted to make her finally realize what this was all like for me, but I felt so guilty at the same time. “I wish you’d just leave me out of it.”
“What do you mean?” she cried. “Luke was your brother!”
“I know,” I said. “I know he was my brother and I wish he was here. I wish he’d never been involved in the accident. I wish we’d never come to Spain that year. I wish I could remember him. I could wish and wish until I burst, but it’s not going to make the slightest difference, is it?”
I got up and stalked off after Dad. I couldn’t bear to sit there with her for another minute. She called out after me, but I ignored her, walking deeper into the wood. I’d known the ceremony was going to be a nightmare. I’d been dreading it so much, ever since she first mentioned it. She was just so obsessed with Luke.
I heard Dad before I saw him. He was making the most terrible noise, moaning and gasping as if he couldn’t breathe. I went a few steps further and saw him up ahead, leaning against a tree. He was bent over, tears streaming down his face. I stopped where I was, my stomach twisting up. I felt scared suddenly. I’d never seen him cry before. He was always throwing his weight about, shouting and carrying on, but I’d never seen him cry.
I turned and ran back to Mum without stopping. “We’ve really got to go, like right now,” I said. “I’m sorry about Luke, I really am. I didn’t mean to be so horrible. I wish I could miss him. I wish I could remember him, even a little bit, but please, Mum, can we just go?”
She must have caught something in my voice. She got up and pulled me into her arms. “No, I’m sorry, Lizzie. This is all such a mess and it’s not your fault. None of it’s your fault. You really don’t need to apologize. And yes, we can leave as soon as Dad comes back.” She stroked my hair and I leaned against her, my eyes closed tight, trying to block out the awful memory of Dad by the tree.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Lizzie and I said goodbye later that night. We’d arranged to meet at Lizzie’s hotel after dinner, but Mum didn’t want me to go. She said she didn’t want me to leave the hotel until the morning. She was still upset about the woman in the marketplace, but she refused to discuss it with me or tell me .
“But I’ve got to say goodbye,” I said, desperate to make her understand. “It will break Lizzie’s heart if I don’t show up.”
Mum shook her head, her lips set in that awful straight line. I felt like telling her about Lizzie’s brother dying so she’d realize how important it was. Lizzie had confided in me, trusted me with her deepest secrets, which was more than could be said for Mum.
“You spent hours with her this afternoon, Bee, and you haven’t even finished packing.”
“I couldn’t care less about packing! I promised Lizzie I’d go and if I don’t show up she’ll think I don’t care.”
“Lizzie again! Honestly, Bee, it’s not as if you’re going to see her after the holiday. Can you please just get on with your packing? You’ve been running free all holiday, but it’s over now.”
“What do you mean? Of course I’m going to see her again – you said so yourself when we were in the taxi this morning. And anyway, she’s my best friend.”
Mum opened her mouth and closed it again, as if she was about to say something; something about Lizzie. She sank down on the edge of the bed. “We never should’ve come,” she muttered. “Dad was right. It was so stupid.”
“I’ll take Bee to the hotel,” said Nan quietly. “Don’t worry. We’ll go and come straight back. It’s only right that she should have the chance to say goodbye.”
I didn’t like the way Nan said that – it sounded so final – but I bolted out of the door before Mum could change her mind or stop us. It was obvious that the letters and the woman in the marketplace, and maybe even the sudden holiday to Spain, were all connected in some way – if only I could work out how and why Mum was in such a state about it.
Lizzie was waiting for me just inside the entrance of her big, swanky hotel. I pushed my way through the revolving doors, relieved to see her. “Sorry I’m late; my mum didn’t want me to come. She was still upset about that woman she saw in the market this morning.”
“Did she tell you who she was? What did she say?”
I shrugged. “She didn’t say anything. Why, what’s the matter?”
She seemed nervous, scared even. Her eyes were bright with tears.
“Nothing. I’m fine, really. I just don’t want to say goodbye.”
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