by Freya Barker
We eat the meager meal in silence, standing across from each other at the counter, and I have to admit, the food seems to settle well. I glance at her when she grabs our plates and runs them under the tap before stacking them in the dishwasher. I don’t think I’ve ever spent this much time with Pam without exchanging barbs or dirty looks.
“Why?” flies from my mouth before I can put a lid on my thoughts. She turns to me, confusion on her face.
“Why what?”
“You’re being nice. It’s...unusual. Confusing,” I admit, watching a deep blush stain her cheeks. Now that’s something new, too. The Pam I know doesn’t blush, or embarrass. It makes her seem more human. I’ve always known there is a big heart in there, how could there not be? It throws me off to have it on display in my kitchen. We’ve been like dogs on opposite sides of a fence, snarling at each other in passing, so this is unfamiliar.
“I know, I...”
Just as she’s about to answer, the front door slams open, and I stick my head into the hallway to see Jonas come in. He spots me and instantly moves toward the stairs.
“Don’t even think about it,” I warn him. “Living room, boy.” I walk toward him, prepared to drag him there physically if I have to, but he’s not moving at all. His panicked look is focused behind me, where I can feel Pam stepping up, putting that calming hand back between my shoulder blades. Jonas quickly glances my way before focusing on Pam again, his face morphing from fear back into the sullen scowl he usually wears these days.
“No way,” he says with much more bravado than I think he feels, but when he swings around to head straight back out the door, I grab him by the scruff of his neck.
“No, buddy.” I soften the firm grasp I have on the back of his neck with the sound of my voice. “No running from this one.”
Pushing him ahead of me, I walk into the living room and sit him down on the couch, taking a seat on the coffee table myself. I see Pam taking a seat on the other side of the couch, effectively boxing him in.
He knows it; the fear is back in his eyes. I struggle between wanting to give him a reassuring hug and wanting to unleash my anger on him. I don’t know where to start. I’m looking at my child’s guilty face and it takes the breath out of me.
Pam instinctively takes the lead, drawing Jonas’ attention and giving me a chance to compose myself.
“Four months ago, Maria came to the shelter I run,” Pam starts in a calm voice, and Jonas immediately drops his head and shrinks back in the cushions. “She had been badly beaten and someone had used her chest to put out cigarettes. Twice Maria left the shelter to go and meet up with the man who did that to her, and both times she came back bruised and beaten. This was her third time, and I wasn’t going to take her back, but when I heard her voice on the phone last night, I couldn’t stay away. The fear, the agony...I just couldn’t give up on her. I’m so glad I went.”
My heart is pounding in my chest as Pam’s voice calmly lays the groundwork. I want to rage and accuse, but I recognize what she is doing is much more effective. Jonas’ head is still bent, but I can see him blinking furiously, his hands restlessly rubbing his legs.
“Maria grew up as the only child of a single mom. She never knew a father and what she knew about boys is what she learned at home. And that wasn’t much good. Everything she’s learned since has been worse. She’s barely older than you...and not that much older than your sister.”
“I didn’t touch her...” Jonas’ voice cracks, and I realize Pam not once had to point the finger at him. Not once did she mention his name or blame him, not a word was said about rape, but it was clear he felt the responsibility clearer than if she had. “I didn’t want to. I told him no—told him I wanted out—but...he was going to hurt her.”
“He did hurt her; he raped her. And so did those two other boys.” Pam’s words have the impact of a gunshot. I can see Jonas’ body jerk in response. Then she softens her tone again. “And so did you, Jonas. You may not have been an active participant, but you were a participant nonetheless.”
That is when my son breaks.
Pam
I got through.
The small moment of triumph was quickly dulled by the sobbing man-child sitting beside me. I have to remind myself this is only the first step, but I’m hopeful. I have to be hopeful we got him in time. If there’s even the slightest chance of pulling this kid back from the dark turn he has taken, I will fight for it with everything I’ve got. I only wish I’d had it in me fifteen, twenty years ago.
Ignoring the sharp pain in my chest, I look up at Dino, who is staring at his boy with the kind of desperate love parents feel for a child who is lost. I recognize the guilt when he turns his haunted eyes to me.
“You realize I have to tell the police I saw you,” I point out to Jonas, and I watch as reality hits him. Harsh, but necessary. He launches himself off the couch, but Dino is prepared.
I knew he would be. He grabs his son’s hand and yanks him back down on the couch, grabbing Jonas’ face in those big hands of his. With his forehead against the boy’s, he speaks to him softly; “I said no running, boy.” Leaning back a little he waits until Jonas’ eyes meet his. “What happened...what you took part in? I won’t lie, it makes me sick to my stomach, but son?” Dino lightly shakes his head. “I know you. I’ve seen the promise of the man you can be. You can’t undo what’s done, but you can do the right thing moving forward. I swear to God I will stand by you every step of the way.”
I need a moment. I get up and leave the room, head straight for the bathroom, and lock the door behind me. Leaning over the sink, I splash cold water on my face, and fight off the urge to give in to my own emotions. Wiping away the single tear that managed to escape, I steel my back and head back to where Dino had moved to sit beside his son, his arm slung around his shoulders.
“No better time than the present,” I announce, causing both of them to turn to face me.
-
It’s three in the morning by the time Dino drops me off at home, where to my surprise, my car is sitting in the driveway.
“Ike,” Dino says, noticing my reaction.
I’m blessed with the friends I’ve made. With a sidelong glance at Dino, a warm feeling sneaks up on me. I’d not considered him part of that circle I keep small for a reason, but this small sign of caring has me reconsider. I’m not one prone to letting emotion guide me, so I’m not quite sure what moves me to let it now, but I lean over the center console and give him a kiss on his cheek.
“Thank you.”
Energy crackles in the air as he turns his stormy eyes on me, those big hands that were cradling his son’s face not that long ago, now coming up to cradle mine. His mouth comes down suddenly; his hard kiss on my lips is almost bruising. I just sit there like a moron, my heart pounding so loud, I’m sure he can hear it. Even when he pulls back and whispers, “Thank you,” only a breath away from my lips, I can still feel the charge bouncing over my skin.
I’m still dazed when he walks me to my door, tells me he’ll call me, and leaves me with a kiss on my forehead. Unsure what to make of that, or of my own reaction to it, I push it aside and instead focus on the past few hours we spent at the police station.
-
I’d had the presence of mind to give Mark a quick call, asking him if he would mind meeting us there. An ex-Portland cop himself, I thought perhaps he could be of support. I’ve had enough dealings with the police force to have my own connections and go-to people, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have another familiar, supportive, face there, both for Jonas and his father. Mark and Dino know each other, and so after the initial surprise to find Mark waiting for us, Dino quickly seemed relieved to have someone there who understood the process and could make introductions.
I was first to give my statement, and a very demure and fearful Jonas had been guided into the room after, his burdened father right behind him. With Jonas only seventeen, the detective had suggested Dino be in the room with him for the in
itial questioning. I’d stayed out in the hallway, declining Mark’s offer to drive me home. Four hours later, Jonas had come out of the room, and with only a quick glance in my direction, was lead away down the hall by an officer. Then Dino appeared looking absolutely drained, the detective behind him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Let him stay here tonight. It won’t hurt him to learn where he could end up should he continue on this path. Tomorrow we’ll talk to the DA and work out a plan where to go from here. He’s done the right thing, Mr. Brachio, but I’m not gonna lie—it won’t be easy. I’ll call you tomorrow morning when I know more, but for now, head home and try to get some rest. We’ll be in touch.” With that Detective Hotchkins walked off in the direction Jonas disappeared in, leaving Dino looking lost in the hallway.
Again, that pain in my chest stabbed, watching this big man torn between his need to do what’s best for his son, by letting him feel his responsibilities, or to whisk him far away from here in an effort to protect him. I recognized that feeling; that’s why I walked up and put my arms around him. For a moment, he just stood there, but then his arms slid around me, hands fisting in the back of my coat and his big head buried itself in my neck.
So proud, so strong, and yet brought to his knees by the weight on his shoulders. It about killed me.
The drive home had been quiet. Each of us lost in our own thoughts. It startled me when he spoke.
“The shelter or your house?”
“My house,” I say after a moment’s hesitation. I’d left my car at Ike and Viv’s earlier and hopped in with Dino.
-
Hanging up my coat in the closet, I walk straight into my kitchen. Middle of the night, after only a single slice of French toast for dinner and a horrible cup of coffee at the police station, my stomach needs something.
Half an hour, and half a sandwich, later, I crawl into bed. The clock on my nightstand says it’s close to four. I turn off the light, hoping I can catch a few hours.
Five minutes later, I click the light back on. It’s no use; I can’t stop thinking about Dino. Did he get home okay? He’s alone in that big house; should I have stayed with him? I’m not sure why I’m obsessing over this, but I know I won’t be able to stop until I know he’s all right.
I scroll through my contact list and am grateful to find I have his number, even though I’ve never used it before. It rings three times, four, then five and I’m about to hang up when it’s answered.
“No, I can’t sleep either,” he says, without waiting for me to identify myself.
Uncanny, how in tune he seems to be. The empathy he’s shown over the years is the main reason I’ve kept my distance. He sees more than a normal person would, or should. He’s been dead on with his concerns and care for three women I know of: Syd, Viv, and only recently, Ruby, guessing well before anyone else knew, the demons haunting them. That’s why; my baggage is mine and mine alone. I’ve taken great care not to let my old life bleed into my current life, but Dino has the ability to bridge that gap. He’s already shown it in the way he’ll look at me sometimes. I’ve been snapping at him since the first time he spoke to me. Not because I don’t like him, but because he terrifies me. With good reason, since with the single question he asked me last night, he showed me he could see all of me.
“Pam?”
“Sorry, I’m...yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got in okay,” I stumble a bit.
“Thank you again,” he says, his deep rumbling voice jagged. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
Irritated at the emotional response he is able to evoke, I’m a little more brusque than I mean to be.
“Nothing any half decent human being wouldn’t do.” I already regret the tone before the words leave my mouth, but then I hear his soft chuckle over the line.
“There she is.” Amusement laces his voice. “Was wondering when my biscuit would come out.”
“Your biscuit?”
“A crunchy outside, difficult to butter up, but worth every effort once her full flavor hits your palate.”
I have no answer to that. His assessment both scares me and excites me. Such is the danger of Francis ‘Dino’ Brachio.
“Night, Dino,” I blurt out instead.
“Night, Biscuit,” I hear him whisper right before he disconnects the call.
CHAPTER FIVE
Dino
“What are you doing here?”
Viv is standing in the doorway, her hands on her hips, glaring at me.
The truth is, I’m going crazy at home. Gunnar forced me to take some time to sort my family out, which was a joke. Jeannie had been given the option to go to rehab, which she took, but she disappeared after three days and is currently in the wind again. Jonas spent two nights in total in jail, mostly because it took that long for the cops to pick up Christian Neve for rape and aggravated assault. With Jonas’ help they were able to identify the other two who’d been there, and they’d been taken in as well.
Barnes assured Jonas that Christian would not likely be released any time soon. The guy already had a track record with the justice system, and the judge remanded him into custody until his trial.
In the week since he’s been home, Jonas has barely strung a single sentence together. Before, at least we’d communicate, mostly by arguing, but now there is nothing. Not a spark, not a flicker of interest. He lets me drive him and Gina to school without complaints, and at home, he loses himself in his gaming. He barely surfaces to eat.
I’ve thought about taking the kids away for a short holiday, but I figure it’s probably better to stick to a normal routine. Christmas is a month away and they’ll have some time off around then. First Christmas without their mom here. Maybe I’ll take them away then.
“Had to get out of the house,” I tell Viv, who’s made her way to stand beside me. “Kids are in school and all I do is fucking twiddle my thumbs until it’s time to pick them up. I’d rather do something.”
“Fair enough,” she says, tying her apron. She pulls a knife from the block, and runs it over the steel, while I pull out a cutting board for her.
Kitchen prep is repetitive work, but there is something comforting about it. Gratifying even, watching the bins fill with neatly cleaned and diced vegetables. Cuts of meat neatly trimmed and ready for use stacked up.
Today is Thursday, which usually means we have a special that has to stretch. I’m planning cabbage roll soup and fresh baked pesto bread. Viv get’s started on cutting the cabbage, we need a shitload, and I get going on my yeast starter for the bread.
We work in companionable silence, like we’ve done for years, when Viv speaks up.
“I’m not going to ask you how things are— I’m guessing not great— but I saw Pam the other day, and she mentioned she hadn’t heard from you.”
“I called her,” I say defensively. A knee-jerk reaction because I know damn well I’ve been avoiding her. The one time I called her was to fill her in on Jonas. She’d offered to come talk to him, and I’d cowardly told her I’d give her a call, which I hadn’t.
Viv isn’t buying it either. She’s looking at me with an eyebrow raised.
“You guys seriously need to get over whatever the hell is going on. Something’s gotta change, ‘cause being in the same room with you two is exhausting with the constant acrimony,” she complains before turning back to her workstation, hacking at the poor cabbage.
I’m not about to tell her that things have already changed, which is exactly why I’ve avoided calling. Before things may have been acrimonious, but they were comfortably familiar. Now? Fuck, now I don’t know what they are. All I know is that I shouldn’t have kissed her. It felt so good to have Pam waiting for me when Jonas was taken to lock up, to feel her strong arms keep me grounded. When she was about to get out of my car after I brought her home, I reacted.
Not like I’ve not noticed what a beautiful woman she is, because I have. She’s also strong, independent, and so damn sure of herself all the
time. A bit intimidating. A stunning black amazon in comparison to my petite, blonde, and very dependent wife. Guess I never allowed my thoughts to go there. Now I can’t seem to keep my fucking mind off her.
So yeah, not going to elaborate to Viv on that, since I don’t know what the fuck to do with it myself.
“I’ll call.”
Viv turns to me with a big smile on her face. “Good,” she says. “I think she could really help. Her morning group session should be almost done.”
“Said I’d call, girl. Don’t fucking push it.” I glare at her, but Viv being Viv, she just smiles back, completely unimpressed.
-
“What’s for dinner, Dad?”
Gina dumps her bag on the couch the moment we walk in the door and beelines it into the kitchen, without waiting for my answer.
I’d left work at three thirty, getting to the school just in time to see Jonas and Gina walking out. Gina’s face lifted a bit when she spotted me, but Jonas’ head was down. It stayed that way, even when two of his classmates held him up, boys that had been to our house a few times last year, but Jonas just shrugged and shook his head, resuming his path to the car.
Once in the car, I’d tried to engage him in conversation, but he sat quietly in the back, after not even attempting to fight Gina for the front seat.
Jonas comes in behind me as I follow Gina into the kitchen. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and I hear his footsteps going upstairs. Back to the sanctuary of his room. I can’t hold back the deep sigh and Gina, hearing it, turns around and wraps her arms around my waist.
“He’ll be okay, right, Daddy?”
Poor kid. Her eyes are big and full of trust as she looks up at me, like I have all the answers in the universe. I don’t. I don’t have any answers, but I stroke the hair from her face and press my lips to her forehead.
“Everything is gonna be fine, Princess,” I reassure her anyway, because even if I don’t quite see it just yet myself, I’m determined not to fail my little girl, too. I’ll do whatever it takes to live up to her faith in me.
