by Gina Damico
Luckily, DV8’s internal data-security protocols are so flimsy that even a disgruntled former employee can gain access to them. Here’s the unseen second half of the previous conversation:
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #9—Kitchen
Date: January 30, 2016
[Clayton enters the kitchen. Noticing that Nico and Titania have torn into the astronaut ice cream, he grins.]
Clayton: Let me see that.
[Nico hands him a piece of the ice cream. Clayton pulls out a lighter and holds the flame up to it.]
Clayton: Psf. Doesn’t even explode.
Titania: They let you bring a lighter?
Clayton: They let me bring a lot of things. [He puts the lighter away and crumbles some ice cream onto the table.] This stuff wasn’t actually sent into space, did you know that? It was too gross even for the astronauts, so they let the myth persist and sold it in museum gift shops instead.
Titania: How do you know that?
Clayton: My parents rented out the Air and Space Museum for my seventh birthday, and that’s what the museum director told me after I stole the packets out of all the other kids’ gift bags. I think he was trying to trick me into giving them back, but I flushed them all down the toilet anyway.
Titania: At least you took the high road.
Clayton: [turning to Titania] Oooh, is it time to pass judgment? Awesome. My turn. So what happened back there with the asteroid attack? You really fell apart.
Titania: Did I.
Clayton: Don’t like beeping, huh? Why not? Flashing back to your robot childhood? [He jabs Nico with his elbow, laughing. Nico does not laugh.]
Titania: I dislike annoying things and choose not to put up with them. Allow me to demonstrate. [She gets up and leaves the room.]
Clayton: Whatever, bitch.
Nico: Hey.
Clayton: What?
Nico: [backing down] Nothing.
[Clayton grabs Nico in a headlock.]
Clayton: Cheer up, emo kid. I know you’ve said, like, three words since we got here, so you’ve probably gotten, like, three seconds of screen time. But there’s still plenty of opportunity to make a strong impression. You won’t be the breakout star, obvs, but you might want to come up with a way to stand out, if you want to be remembered. But no flushing other people’s stuff down the toilet! That’s gonna be my thing!
Nico: [muttering into Clayton’s arm] If only you could get the same outcome by being a decent human being.
Clayton: I know, right? Oh well. [He lets go of Nico, grabs the ice cream off the counter, and runs out of the room. Seconds later there is a sound of a toilet flushing, followed by cheering.]
These juicy morsels of content, however, are rare. That first week, the majority of the footage shot onboard the Laika is of unwatchable tedium. Apparently even a futuristic spaceship can get real old, real fast.
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Multiple cameras
Date: February 2, 2016
[Seven of the ten Spacetronauts are in the Lünar Lounge, lounging, as the ship gently rocks, causing runaway marbles from the Hungry Hungry Hippos game to skitter back and forth across the floor. Kaoru and Titania are sitting on the swivel chairs at the control panel, swiveling listlessly. Jamarkus, Matt, Snout, and Hibiscus are sitting on the floor, each playing their own game of solitaire. Bacardi is passed out on the puffy Püffi chair. Louise is sitting on her bunk with the sheets pulled over her head like a ghost, a flashlight dancing within her tented form. Nico is showering. Clayton is skinny-dipping in the hot tub, his naked body prominently visible through the window behind the bar.]
Hibiscus: He’s mooning us.
Jamarkus: Ignore him. He only wants attention.
[They go back to their cards. An hour goes by before anyone speaks again.]
* * *
So the day before the second episode airs, Chazz makes a phone call.
Item: Transcript of audio recording
Source: Chazz’s cell phone
Date: February 3, 2016
Chazz: They’re not doing anything!
NASAW: That’s not our fault. We built the ship, we suited them up, we pretended to launch them into space. We held up our end of the bargain. Anything beyond that is out of our control.
Chazz: No one’s talking! And none of them have hit the I QUIT™ button! After the thrill of the asteroid attack, everything went stale. It’s like watching a middle school dance, with everyone off in their own corners! The only action is in the bedroom with Clayton and Bacardi, and we can’t even air that due to underage indecency laws!
NASAW: Yeah. Pity, that.
Chazz: They’re not making good television. They’re sitting around being lethargic! They’re looking out the window! They’re using the confessional room to sing goddamn drinking songs! They’re—
NASAW: Being teenagers?
Chazz: Yes! What the hell?
NASAW: What did you expect to happen? Was your plan to simply throw millions of dollars of special effects at them and hope for the best? Did you expect a 168-hour week to fill itself with content? Because you’re right—watching ten strangers sit around doing nothing is excruciatingly boring, no matter what age they are or where in spacetime they’re flying—
Chazz: You have to do something. Spring a gas leak. Set a fire.
NASAW: We’re not going to set a group of children on fire. [muttering] Never thought I’d have to say that out loud—
Chazz: Well, we have to do something. Throw the next Instigating Plot Point at them.
NASAW: Already? The schedule says the gyrostatic system failure isn’t supposed to happen until next week—
Chazz: But they’re being boring now!
NASAW: These plot points were supposed to last us for another two months. You want us to start burning through the schedule on a daily basis?
Chazz: Screw the schedule! We need to ramp things up! Otherwise none of them are going to quit, no one’s going to get eliminated, and watchability is going to plummet!
NASAW: But—
Chazz: Do it!
* * *
Item: Transcript of video broadcast
[continued]
[START OF ACT TWO]
[After another commercial break, instead of more footage from the ship, DV8 plays . . . filler. Man-on-the-street interviews with viewers, plus an extensive overview of how swiftly the show has caught on and a clip of Chazzs appearance on The Perky Paisley Show. Then some social media coverage, featuring posts submitted by viewers whose opinions apparently warrant the nation’s full attention. Then there’s an exclusive interview with the cast of the upcoming Cosmic Crusades movie, followed by an exclusive trailer for the upcoming Cosmic Crusades movie. Then, finally, it’s back to the matter at hand.]
Source: Camera #6—Bathroom
[Titania and Snout are squeezed together in front of the mirror, both brushing their teeth. Matt is showering.]
Titania: [spitting into the sink] I don’t know why we’re bothering with this. Our food is practically toothpaste itself.
[As if on cue, Snout’s stomach growls.]
Snout: Wish we had some real grub.
Titania: Me too. Seems a shame to have such a good omelet chef and no real eggs.
Snout: If we had eggs, I’d screw that up somehow too. Drop ’em all. [He looks at her.] You think I’m dumb, huh?
Titania: [frowns] No, I don’t.
Snout: Everyone thinks I’m dumb. And I bet they’re mad at me because I eat the most because I’m the biggest.
Titania: I don’t think that’s the case.
Snout: But how do you know? I see the way they look at me. Like I’m nothin’. Like I’m less a person than they are because my town don’t got a stoplight.
Titania: Hey. [catches his eye] I don’t think you’re less than.
Snout: [squeezing his tummy] Yeah. More like more than.
> Titania: I don’t think you’re dumb, either.
Snout: Yeah, but—but I don’t know about any of this space stuff. I haven’t seen any of the world.
[Music swells.]
Titania: There are plenty of ways to be dumb, Snout. But there are also plenty of ways to be smart.
[Matt lets out a screech from the shower. Titania and Snout turn toward him, but the scene cuts away.]
Source: Camera #2—Flight Deck
[The Spacetronauts are lounging. Louise and Bacardi are apart from the rest, sitting at the control panel. Louise is looking out the Windows Window. Bacardi is drinking “water” out of a Slom bottle.]
Louise: Space is so beautiful, isn’t it?
Bacardi: Yurra sweet kid. How old are you?
Louise: Fourteen.
Bacardi: You the youngest one here?
Louise: I think so. But what I lack in age I more than make up for in space knowledge.
Bacardi: Oh yeah?
Louise: Oh yeah. Did you know that the scene in Cosmic Crusades when the Jjesibian Nebula collapses due to intergalactic transdimensional space tornadoes could theoretically happen?
Bacardi: [hiccups] I didnot know that.
Louise: And that long ago a secret race of lizard people crashed to Earth, and they’ve spent the last several millennia building the pyramids and establishing clandestine governmental agencies and causing global warming with weather machines, all in an effort to open up wormholes that’ll send them back to their home planet?
Bacardi: [attention wandering] Really.
Louise: And that the technology for travel between multiverses is well within our power, and that if one were so inclined, one could use everyday household goods to construct one’s own FTL drive?
Bacardi: FTL?
Louise: Faster than light. It’s the quickest way to get from one end of the universe to the other. The technology is there. We just need to figure out how to unlock it.
Bacardi: I unlocked the hotel mini fridge! [burps] You know, Louise, we’re notso different, you and I.
[Bacardi sloppily brushes her hand down Louise’s face. Louise dodges away, miffed.]
Louise: I find that hard to believe.
[A dripping-wet Matt comes running into the lounge from the bathroom, holding a towel around his waist.]
Matt: Um, guys? Something’s wrong!
Clayton: It’s called shrinkage, kid.
Matt: No, no, it’s—come look!
Source: Camera #6—Bathroom
[They all pile into the bathroom, where Titania and Snout are staring into the shower stall.]
Matt: Look at the soap!
[A bar of soap is sliding in circles along the bottom of the shower—by itself.]
Louise: We’re spinning.
Jamarkus: Dear God, no. [shouting] To your battle stations!
Bacardi: We have battle stations?
Source: Camera #4—Lünar Lounge
[The kids run back into the lounge. The instant they get there, the room bucks beneath their feet. Everyone crashes to the floor and rolls violently across it along with the furniture, some Slom bottles, and the Hungry Hungry Hippo marbles, everything and everyone smooshing into a pile of limbs and shrieks against the legs of the pool table—except for the inflatable puffy Püffi chair, which cheerfully bounces about the room like a balloon.]
Snout: [gripping the tail of Colonel Bacon, who looks petrified] What’s going on?
Jamarkus: We’ve lost attitude control!
Bacardi: Speak for yourself, my attitude is flawless.
Jamarkus: No, attitude as in spatial balance—as in flight dynamics! The orientation actuators! The gyrostatic system!
Matt: In English, please!
Jamarkus: The thing that controls our balance has switched off. We’ve lost all equilibrium, and we’re spinning uncontrollably. Look!
[He points at the Windows Window. Outside, the stars blur by in streaks. Intermittently the blue ball of Earth appears, pinballing wildly across the view.]
Matt: That’s it! [He staggers to his feet.] Screw the million dollars, I’m done!
[He lurches across the lounge to the flight deck and pounds his fist on the I QUIT™ button—but it does not oblige.]
Matt: It won’t push! It’s stuck!
Hibiscus: What do you mean, it’s stuck?
Matt: Something’s wedged between it and the control panel! [He inspects the button.] It’s a marble!
Clayton: Those goddamn marbles. You had to feed the hippos—
Matt: [struggling to free the marble] It’s really jammed in there! I can’t get it out! [He takes another look at the reeling Windows Window.] Oh God. I’m gonna be sick.
Hibiscus: Me too.
Kaoru: {Me too.}
[A shared vomiting session commences.]
Jamarkus: Wait! I know what to do! Laika, permission to pull stabilization lever?
Robot Voice: PERMISSION GRANTED.
[Jamarkus pulls the lever, and the ship instantly begins to level out. The return to digestive normalcy, however, is not as speedy, as the sustained gagging noises demonstrate.]
[CUT TO: Chazz, in the studio]
Chazz: How about that, America?
Don’t worry about our space pals—they all made a full recovery. But right now it’s time for what you’ve all been waiting for: our live check-in! We’re going to take a quick break, and when we come back, we’ve got a HUGE surprise for you all—and for our Spacetronauts. Don’t go anywhere!
[MUSIC CUE: “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed]
[END OF ACT TWO; CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
* * *
Chazz is the very model of a confident pitchman. But if hawk-eyed viewers look a little closer, they may notice the faint sheen of sweat creeping across his brow. Because he knows something no one else does. Something that wouldn’t have been a problem if he had put more effort into casting. Something that leads to more frantic, anxious phone calls.
Item: Transcript of audio recording
Source: Chazz’s cell phone
Date: February 3, 2016
Chazz: Well, that was a major misfire.
NASAW: How so? You succeeded in emptying the stomachs of every kid onboard. Isn’t that a success, in your deranged book?
Chazz: It would be—if the I QUIT™ button had worked! What are the odds of that goddamn marble getting stuck in there?
NASAW: Pretty good, if it was crammed in on purpose.
Chazz: Wait—what? Are you saying someone sabotaged it?
NASAW: It’s not outside the realm of possibility.
Chazz: Did you see something? If you saw something, say something!
NASAW: It’s not my job to watch these kids twenty-four hours a day. If anything happened, someone in your control room should have spotted it. Of course, the kids know where the cameras are. It’d be easy for them to block the angle of—
Chazz: Whatever. This is bad, is what I’m getting at.
NASAW: Why? Can’t you still send someone to pick up the quitters? The button doesn’t work anyway.
Chazz: But we need the illusion that the button does work. If it doesn’t, none of them will even try to quit!
NASAW: May I quit?
Chazz: No! What are we going to do now? We were planning to use the live segment this week to trash-talk the losers—what are we going to do if there are no losers?
NASAW: I think we’re all losers at this point.
Chazz: Dude, work with me here. We’re going live on the air in less than twenty-four hours, and no one’s been eliminated yet! We need to figure something out!
NASAW: But—
Chazz: Wait a minute. I have an idea.
NASAW: Does it involve the Cosmic Crusaders? Because as I’ve already explained to you on a baffling number of occasions, the Cosmic Crusaders cannot help us, because they are not real.
Chazz: No, no, something else. Don’t go anywhere, I’m putting you on hold.
[“Payphone” by Maro
on 5 blasts for a minute and thirty-seven seconds.]
Chazz: Back. Are you still there?
NASAW: I’m in the middle of a desert. There’s nowhere to go.
Chazz: I just emailed you a list of new builds. Please have them ready to go by tomorrow night.
NASAW: Wait. Stay on the line while I read them, in case I have any questions.
Chazz: Ugh, fine. [away from phone] Khloe, don’t you dare. I’m not scrubbing poop out of Kourtney’s ears again.
NASAW: [reading from the email] “A large, functional robotic arm”?
Chazz: That’s right.
NASAW: Are you serious? [muttering] That’s going to put us way behind schedule.
Chazz: What schedule? The only schedule you’re on is the one we give you.
NASAW: But how do you expect us to install something like that without the kids hearing us?
Chazz: Hey, you’re the scientists. You figure it out.
[There is a weary sigh on NASAW’s end.]
NASAW: If you ask me, you’re heading down a real slippery slope here.
Chazz: I don’t recall asking you.
NASAW: I’m serious, Chazz. Pivoting your concept like this on such short notice—it’s a recipe for disaster. The more you mess with the plan, the more dangerous everything becomes. Someone could get hurt.
Chazz: Of course they could. That’s what makes it so thrilling.
NASAW: I—what?
Chazz: You know, you dorks could stand to be more like the real NASA. They were masters of marketing, did you know that? Back in the days of the space race, when garnering a positive public opinion was all that mattered, they developed a little saying that we here at DV8 have taken to heart—and I think you should do the same.
NASAW: And that is?
Chazz: Better dead than look bad.
[end of call]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #4—Lünar Lounge
