by Holly Jacobs
Joe had joined their nighttime routine.
After dinner, before bed, they all three read together, sitting on Aaron’s bed. Occasionally Aaron would sit in the middle, wrapping an arm around both Louisa and Joe as she read.
This imitation of a real family was what she’d always dreamed about. But she knew it was just that, an imitation.
Despite the fact they were growing closer, there was still a wall between them.
Each moment, each occasion, was stored away.
She’d learned the hard way that the good times could disappear in just the blink of an eye. She didn’t doubt that Joe would be there for Aaron, but she couldn’t quite believe he’d be around for her; so each little gesture, each tender stolen kiss, was stored away.
She wrote each treasure down in her journal, needing to have something tangible to remember them by.
Thursday night the phone rang and she stopped scribbling, glancing at the clock before she picked it up.
Ten o’clock.
Who called at ten o’clock at night?
“Hello?” she asked.
“Hey, Lou.”
She smiled as she set down her pen and curled into her pillow. “Joe. What’s up?”
“It’s slow tonight. I was thinking about you and just wanted to hear your voice.”
“As it so happens, I was thinking about you, as well.”
Every night, as she wrote in her journal, she thought of him. Every entry for eight years had started with “Dear Joe.”
This quiet time each night had always been their time, even if he hadn’t known it.
“Oh, you tell me what you were thinking, and I’ll tell you what I was thinking.”
There was suggestive teasing in his voice that made her smile.
“I was thinking you’re still the most conceited man I know and I refuse to share my thoughts with you for fear your swollen head won’t fit through the doorways.”
“Really?” he asked. “You were thinking stuff that would make me that conceited? Ah, Lou, you always did have a way with sweet words. Ask me what I was thinking.”
She chuckled. “What were you thinking, Joe?”
“I was thinking you’re still the most beautiful woman I know. And I don’t worry about you getting too conceited. Sometimes I worry that you’ll never see yourself the way I see you.”
The conversation had shifted and Louisa knew that rather than engaging in playful banter, Joe was serious.
“I see myself honestly…the way I am.”
“No,” he argued. “You’ve never been able to do that. You’ve always weighed your self-perception against everyone else’s opinion.”
“I used to, but not anymore.”
“So, when I say that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met…that I’m in awe at what you’ve built for yourself and our son here…that with every day that passes I realize just what a great job you did with Aaron, you can take the words as the truth and just accept them?”
“Well, I’m honest enough to argue the ‘most beautiful’ part,” she maintained.
“No other woman has ever looked as beautiful to me as you do.”
She blushed at that. Blushed from the tips of her toes to the roots of her hair.
“Beautiful or not, I will graciously accept your praise for the store. I’m proud of The Chocolate Bar and wouldn’t argue with you about that. But about Aaron, he’s the way he is simply because he’s an amazing kid. We both did that. Good genes.”
“Loving. That’s what it is, Lou. We both know how rare a good mother can be. You’ve given him something neither of us ever had. You gave him a happy, loving home.”
“Thank you,” she said, though it was difficult to squeeze the words past the emotions that were clogging her throat.
Though she’d tried to assure herself that she was past needing anyone else’s approval, Joe’s words meant something to her.
Needing to lighten the tone, she said, “This isn’t what you really called for, is it?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice and thought I’d call and say good-night.”
She wasn’t sure what to say to that, so she settled for a simple, “Oh.”
Joe chuckled and tsked. “This is where you’re supposed to say you wanted to hear my voice, too, and you’re glad I called.”
“I did. I am.”
“Things are changing.” His words echoed her own thoughts. “We need to talk about what it all means.”
“Let’s not and say we did. I don’t want to spoil this…whatever this is that’s happening.”
“We can’t go on like this forever.”
“For a while longer.”
“Okay. A while.” There was something in his tone that told her a while was all she had left.
“Listen, I’ve got to get some sleep if I’m going to be able to function tomorrow. See you in the morning.”
“Good night.”
She was pulling the phone away from her ear when he said her name, “And Louisa?”
She pulled the phone back. “Yes?”
“Sweet dreams.”
She smiled as she hung up, then grew serious.
Yes, things were changing. She thought she and Joe were growing closer. But there was one thing standing between them, one last omission.
She knew that she’d had the best of intentions when she hadn’t told him everything.
When she hadn’t thought there was any future for her and Joe, she’d felt comfortable not telling him the whole story of her departure. It would have served no purpose to drive a wedge between him and his mother. But now, as they grew closer, that omission stood between them, weighing on her.
She should tell him.
She didn’t want any more secrets between them. If she’d been honest eight years ago, if she’d shared her doubts and fears, maybe so many things would be different. But she couldn’t live her life on what might have been. She needed to go forward.
Should she tell him?
She didn’t know.
“Mom, Dad, I want to talk to you,” Aaron said the next day at dinner, the picture of seriousness.
Joe wanted to mess his hair or say something funny to make the boy smile. Making Aaron smile, making Louisa smile. Those were moments Joe lived for.
“Yes?” Louisa asked.
“Uhh,” Aaron said, dragging the word out for a long time, as if working up to something. Then in a quick rush of words, he said, “You said I could think about changing my last name?”
Joe felt a solid mass lodge itself in his throat as he nodded. “It’s up to you.”
“I thought and thought about it. Me and Elmer talked about it even, and I want to, but not now.”
“Oh.” A wave of disappointment washed over Joe, but he forced a smile and said, “That’s fine, Aaron. Whenever you want to, or if you never want to, it’s up to you. We said that and meant that. I mean it. Your last name won’t change the fact that I’m your father and I love you.”
“Do you want to talk about why not?” Louisa asked gently.
Aaron frowned. “’Cause if I changed my name to Delacamp, you’d be the only Clancy left, Mom. Joe’s not the only Delacamp. My grandma and grandpa are, too. It’s not fair to leave you all alone, Mom.”
“Honey, I don’t mind.” She took his hand and pulled him onto her lap.
If the conversation wasn’t so serious, Joe would have laughed. Aaron didn’t quite fit the way he must have when he was younger…bits and pieces dangled off, but neither of them seemed to mind.
Louisa brushed aside a stray piece of Aaron’s hair and said, “As a matter of fact, I think you should.”
“Why?” Aaron asked, voicing Joe’s question.
“Because you are your father’s son, and that means you should share his last name.”
“But you’re my mom. Maybe you could change your name to Delacamp, too, then we’d all be the same.”
“I don’t know if that will work, sweetie,” she sa
id hedging.
“How about we give your mom some time to think about changing her name, and then we’ll all talk about it again,” Joe said, his voice husky with emotion.
“Yeah. It’s a big thing and it took me a long time thinking,” Aaron said. “So you take your time, Mom.”
“Thanks, honey,” she said.
“Okay,” Aaron said, obviously feeling as if things were settled. “I’m going down to see Elmer. We’re tying some new flies for fishing.”
“Go on,” Louisa said.
They both watched their son sprint out of the room.
“Thanks for stalling and giving me some time to think about how to answer him,” Louisa said.
She gazed after Aaron, a worried look on her face.
“I wasn’t just stalling,” Joe said. She turned around and faced him as he continued, “I think you should think about it.”
“Change my name to Delacamp?” she asked.
“I did ask you to marry me.” They hadn’t talked about marriage for a while, not since things had started to change.
“You asked me because I had your son. Because it would be convenient. Being married to me would make the whole who-gets-Aaron question easier.”
He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath until he let it out with a whoosh.
He’d wanted her to simply say yes.
He hadn’t expected it, but he’d wanted it all the same.
“We can’t live here with Elmer forever. We need to come up with a better solution. Marrying me would be better,” he maintained.
“I don’t think so,” she said stubbornly.
“But—”
“Listen, Joe. I saw my parents’ marriage, a marriage that was built on many things, but never on love. I won’t settle. Not even for Aaron. I deserve more than that.”
Her answer tore at him.
Part of him wanted to say, I love you, I’ve always loved you. It was the part he’d buried eight years ago when she’d left.
He’d had to suppress that part or he’d have lost his mind. He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to let it go now, to take the risk of loving her and losing her again.
“So what are we going to do?” he asked. The question was as much for himself as it was for Louisa.
“One problem at a time. Right now I have to think of a way to answer my son.”
“Our son,” he reminded her.
She reached out, took his hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “Yes. Our son.”
“So, we’re back to just waiting and seeing.”
“After eight years, a little more waiting won’t hurt us,” she said.
Joe wasn’t sure. Wasn’t sure if he could wait longer, wasn’t sure if he could tell her how he felt, wasn’t sure exactly what he felt.
Basically he wasn’t sure of anything except that her hand felt right in his.
He squeezed it and said, “We’ll wait a little longer.”
Chapter Eight
Waiting wasn’t something Joe was good at.
By Saturday morning he’d already done enough waiting. He wanted…He wanted what he’d always wanted, to build a family with Louisa.
Maybe they weren’t in love the way they’d been all those years ago, but they had a firm foundation for a good relationship.
They respected each other.
They were becoming friends again.
They had a son together.
That was enough, Joe told himself.
He fingered the ring in his pocket. It was a sapphire. He’d been looking at diamonds, but this ring’s stone had caught his eye.
The sapphire was the exact color of Louisa’s eyes.
He’d laid out all the logical reasons why they should marry.
He had feelings for her. He wasn’t quite sure how to identify them. They were different from the ones he’d felt when they were younger, but they were real, and he knew he could be a good father and husband.
He just had one more thing to do before he asked her to marry him.
He had to tell his parents about Aaron and about the fact that he wasn’t going to stop asking Louisa to marry him until she said yes.
Elmer was right: part of the problem before was the fact he’d kept Louisa hidden away. He hadn’t forced his parents to choose…accept Louisa or lose a son.
But now he would.
He’d grown up, he realized. He didn’t need his parents’ approval any longer.
All he needed was his family…Aaron and Louisa.
He placed the call from down at Elmer’s. Elmer was out again with Mabel, and Joe had the privacy he needed.
He dialed the number.
“Hello?” his mother said.
“Mother. It’s Joe.”
“Joseph. I’d hoped you’d call. We had a lovely time on our trip. Why—”
He interrupted, knowing she could go on for a long time about the trip. He didn’t want to hear her name-drop, didn’t want to hear every move they’d made.
He needed to say what had to be said. “Mother, I need to tell you something. I found Louisa.”
There was complete silence on the other end of the phone.
“I found her,” he repeated. “And I’m going to marry her.”
“After the way she left you?”
“She’s explained everything. She was pregnant. She had my son and then there was—”
“She’s lying.”
Of all the things Joe thought his mother might say as he told her about his son, this didn’t even come close. “What?”
“I said, she’s lying. Whatever she said about me, it’s a lie.”
“Mother, Louisa doesn’t lie,” Joe said, giving the most vague response he could think of.
He wasn’t sure what was going on and wanted to keep his mother talking. He felt a spike of dread climb up his spine.
“Joe, it was for your own good, don’t you see?” There was something in her voice that Joe had never heard before.
It sounded like desperation.
She continued in a rush, “You were going to medical school. You were going to make something of yourself, and that girl would have ruined all of that, would have ruined your life.”
“What did you do, Mother?” he asked softly.
“You know. But it’s not like she said, I swear. I just had a little talk with her. My only concern was for your future.”
“And…?”
“Listen, she could have stayed, could have told you. Instead she took my check and left. She couldn’t get out of town fast enough. That tells you the kind of woman she was…is.”
“You bribed her?”
Louisa had taken money from his mother? How could she not have told him? What was going on?
A coldness swept over him…. He felt almost numb with it.
“No, I simply suggested it might be better for all parties concerned if she left. I gave her money for her living expenses. She waited until the money I gave her ran out and then came with her hand out to you for more. Well, don’t you give her a thing, Joe. Not another dime. By the time our lawyers are through with her—”
“Aren’t you even going to ask about your grandchild? The child you tried to hide from me?”
“Now, don’t you use that tone with me. I’m still your mother.” Gone was the desperation. In its place was his mother’s normal sense of superiority.
“His name is Aaron.” Enunciating, he said slowly, “Aaron Joseph Clancy. But not for long. Soon it will be Aaron Joseph Delacamp.”
“Don’t do anything hasty, Joseph,” she said. “Our lawyers—”
Joe ignored her and continued, “He looks just like I did at his age. He’s smart…he’s so smart. And funny. He wasn’t thrilled to see me at first, but he’s getting used to having me around. He calls me Dad.”
“You shouldn’t get too emotionally caught up with the boy.”
“He’s my son, Mother. That means something.”
That bond—parent to child—was something
his mother wouldn’t understand. She’d never been overly maternal. She was more concerned about the family name than about the family…about him.
“It’s biological, nothing more,” she said.
That one statement summed up his mother’s views.
“Maybe that’s why we have the relationship we do. You see me as a biological issue instead of an issue of the heart. Aaron is everything to me, Mother. Everything.”
“And that girl?” That same hint of scorn was in her voice as she said those words, that girl.
“That girl has a name. Louisa.”
“Louisa,” his mother spat out the name as if it were something vile. “What is she to you?”
“I don’t know. There’s so much I don’t understand, but she’s important.”
A few moments ago he’d have said, I think I love her, but knowing that she’d kept something this big from him…he just couldn’t voice his feelings.
His mother paused a moment and finally said, “I never understood why you’d lower yourself to her level.”
“If there was any lowering, it was on her part.”
“She didn’t mind reaching out and grasping that money.”
“I don’t understand everything, but I do know if she took your money—”
“If? You think I’d lie?”
“Yes.” Joe hated to admit it, but there it was. “You’d lie if it suited your purposes. I know that. I’ve always known that. But not Louisa. If she did take your money, I know it wasn’t for herself, but rather for our son.” He paused. “My son.”
“Joe.”
“I planned to ask you to come visit, but I think that should wait until I figure out what’s going on here.”
“The lawyers—”
“Aren’t necessary,” he said. He wasn’t clear about everything, but that much he knew. “And, Mother?”
“Yes.” Her voice sounded weary, old.
“When, and if, you do come to visit us, you’re going to have to accept Louisa, because I might not know much, but I do know that she’s a part of my life. After this conversation, I’m not sure in what capacity, but she’s the mother of my child, and as such, you will treat her with respect.”
“Joe—”
“Goodbye, Mother. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Why hadn’t Louisa told him that his mother knew? That she’d given her money? Why was she holding that back, and what else wasn’t she telling him?