by Soraya Lane
But it was now or never.
“Ollie,” he whispered, turning his cheek into her hand.
This time when he looked up, she was biting down on her bottom lip, eyes holding his. He took his chance.
Luke pushed himself higher, still on his knees, and touched both of his palms to her cheeks. Took strength from the openness of her gaze as he slowly brought his lips to hers. Grazed his mouth softly against hers, paused, then deepened their kiss. Wanting to tell her so many things, but trying to show her instead. Because he’d opened up as much as he was capable tonight, and now he needed to know she at least wanted him as much as he still wanted her. Even if she wasn’t ready to say so yet, he needed a hint.
“Luke,” she murmured, her hand sliding up between them, as if she wanted to stop him but wasn’t ready to just yet.
He pulled back slowly, not wanting to push her, wanting her in his arms, against his body.
Because at least now he knew that he had a chance. He had to believe that she wouldn’t have kissed him back like that if there wasn’t still something between them. Wouldn’t have pushed herself against him if she hadn’t wanted him, too.
“Good night,” he whispered, trailing his fingers down her face and across her shoulders as he stood.
“You’re going to bed?” He could hear the confusion in her voice. “Now?”
“Yeah.” He chuckled as he took a step backward. “Because if I stay right here any longer, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself.”
Olivia flushed but didn’t tell him to stay, so he gave her one last smile and headed for the spare room.
She was his wife, and he loved her. Now he only had to hope that she was falling back in love with him, too.
CHAPTER EIGHT
LUKE HAD NEVER seen so many toys. Big stuffed animals, robots, Lego—every shelf was filled with an endless array of kids’ entertainment. To his credit, Charlie was behaving well, but some of the other children around them were starting to get on Luke’s nerves.
Especially because of what he’d witnessed these past couple of years. The children he’d seen beyond excited over a piece of fruit, a loaf of bread, anything that meant they could quell their hunger pangs. Children who had no idea what a childhood really was, not by American standards, anyway, yet managed to smile at a friendly stranger. Managed to overcome their difficulties. And now he was surrounded by children with full bellies, begging their parents for the next latest and greatest toy as if their lives depended upon it.
“Luke, what do you think?”
Olivia and Charlie were inspecting something nearby. He walked over. They were looking at a display of trains.
“Dad, this is Thomas.”
Charlie’s face was alive with happiness and Luke felt like the Grinch for not being more enthusiastic. He found it hard to make distinctions between life here and life at war sometimes, but it was something he was going to have to get his head around. He had a great kid who hadn’t been spoiled, and it was his birthday. Charlie deserved some great gifts.
“Dad?”
Charlie tugged on his jeans and Luke gave him his full attention. “It is Thomas.” He bent down. “He’s pretty cool.”
“Don’t you already have Thomas?” Olivia asked, taking the engine from his hands and putting it back. “It would be silly to have two of the same. How about some of his friends here?”
Luke grinned as he watched his son’s attention divert to the other train.
“Percy!”
“Well done,” Luke told her, edging closer so he could speak to her without Charlie hearing.
Olivia grinned, her entire face alight. He loved when she did that. It made him feel as if there was still something special between them, something drawing them together rather than pushing them apart.
“I’ve already bought Percy and another train called Diesel,” she whispered, bringing her head close to his. “Now we’ll take him past the DVDs, and if you stay put I’ll get the new Cars one and a couple of books.”
“Roger that,” Luke whispered back, enjoying the feel of having Ollie near. What he would do to be able to pull her against him and just hold her. Smell her perfume, feel the warmth of her, and go back a few years, to start over. To leave on different terms, to tell her he loved her.
“Ollie...”
She fixed her eyes on his, the happy conspiracy of birthday shopping still lighting her face as he bent closer.
“Mommy! Mommy, look!”
Olivia gave Luke an apologetic smile, her pink lips far too close to his for comfort, before turning her full attention back to Charlie.
I’m sorry. I love you. The words Luke wanted to say hung over him, the need to tell her even greater than his need to kiss her and pull her body against his. I should never have let you go.
* * *
Their bags were full to the brim with balloon packets, streamers, wrapping paper and presents for Charlie. Lots of little extra ones to make the big day fun. With Luke home, she wanted to make this birthday one he’d never forget.
Luke walked ahead with Charlie, and she trailed behind with the bag of gifts for him, cleverly concealed. She’d given Luke the party bags and Charlie hadn’t suspected a thing.
She tried not to laugh as she watched them—Luke doing all the listening and Charlie asking all the questions and talking nonstop. It was one of the things she’d loved about Luke when they’d met, his ability to listen so well. Only trouble was at the time she hadn’t realized how badly she’d needed to listen. That instead of lying awake worrying, taking on all their problems as her own and thinking Luke didn’t want the life he was living with her, she should have been asking him. Making him talk. Being the listener he needed.
Luke had once listened to her for hours, always smiling, touching her as if he was happy just to watch and lend an ear. Back then, in the early whirlwind of falling in love, she’d hardly noticed that she knew so little about him, when he knew so much about her. Then she’d started to realize that Luke had deeper issues than even she did. And she’d wished she’d asked him more, pushed him harder to open up. Because if she had, maybe he wouldn’t have thought that walking away was the right thing to do.
Olivia snapped out of her daydream and noticed them both leaning on the car. Luke’s tall frame was propped against the vehicle, long legs stretched out in front of him. Charlie was doing his best to mimic his dad, and struggling. She tried not to laugh.
“How are my boys?” she called, walking faster to catch up to them.
“We’re great.” Luke’s lazy smile made her heart skip. She hadn’t seen that smile since he’d returned.
“Good.”
She dug around in her bag for the keys and unlocked the car, but Luke grabbed her hand and swung her toward him before she could open it.
“Hey,” he said, grinning as he held her tight.
She went to open her mouth, to say something back, when he planted a quick, cheeky kiss on her lips instead. His mouth hovered over hers, laughter in his eyes, before he pulled back.
Olivia touched her fingers to her lips—lips that were buzzing from the unexpected burst of affection from her husband.
“I love you,” he whispered in her ear, before opening the door and holding it for her.
Olivia stood still, unable to move for a moment, before forcing her feet to comply.
I love you, too, she thought. But right now, she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge what he’d said, and tell him the same.
* * *
Olivia rested her elbows on the kitchen counter as she bent to inhale the sweet scent of the cake she’d just baked. It sat on a wire stand, cooling so she could ice it. The smell of it brought back memories of her childhood, when her mother would be in the kitchen and she’d be at the table watching her. They
might not have had a lot of money, but her mom had sure known how to bake up a storm.
The only thing that hadn’t been idyllic about that scene had been wondering when her dad was going to arrive home, or if. And if he did, whether or not she’d be told to scurry to her bedroom and close the door, so she didn’t have to hear them arguing.
A shudder crawled up her spine and she closed her eyes. Once he’d gone, once her mother had finally kicked him out, life had become happier, more pleasant. There were no nights wondering why her father hadn’t come home, no worries about him raising his voice in drunken anger while she shivered with fear beneath the sheets. But she had seen how it slowly ate away at her mom, and beneath their happiness together, the lovely life they had was tainted by her dad. Even once he was gone.
If only her mom was still alive. Here with her so they could talk.
“Penny for them?”
Olivia’s eyes opened with a snap. She jumped to attention, elbows smashing hard against the counter.
“Luke! What are you doing up?”
He grinned at her. “Heard you crashing around in here and thought I’d help.”
She could see the smile in his eyes. She hadn’t been making a noise, and he knew it.
“Okay,” he admitted, walking toward her. “I couldn’t sleep and I knew you were in here.”
She moved away from him, back toward the sink as he walked closer. She felt distinctly like an animal being watched, stalked by a lion. Only this predator was more scary than a lion. He didn’t want to eat her—he wanted her heart.
“Want a glass of milk?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She couldn’t help it; Olivia cracked a smile and tried her hardest not to laugh. That old-fashioned charm had always made her flutter inside. The soldier has manners. That’s what she’d thought when she’d first met him, one of the first things she’d noticed about him, aside from how great he’d looked in a pair of too-long denim shorts and a T-shirt.
Olivia poured two glasses of milk and then turned back around. Luke was closer than she’d realized. He reached out and took one of the glasses from her. When he didn’t move, she stepped out and maneuvered around him, desperate to keep that sense of distance between them.
“You okay?”
She nodded. What else could she do? Aside from tell him that her heart was beating way too fast and she wanted him so badly. Wanted his arms around her, his mouth on hers, and to stop thinking about what had happened and just let him love her.
“Just, uh, thinking about the party tomorrow,” she said, trying to keep her eyes diverted from him. Especially from his low-slung pajama pants and bare chest.
Stop looking at his chest. Ignore the bare skin.
Luke drained his glass of milk and wiped his mouth.
“I feel like a kid who’s had a nightmare,” he teased. “Next time I might need it warmed.”
She knew the truth behind those words, though. There had never been anyone to fill a glass of milk for Luke when he was a kid. He’d been a fighter, had to be, just to make it through to adulthood.
They stood there in silence. Luke tall like a statue in the middle of the kitchen, her tucked around by the counter. She sipped at her milk—not something she would ordinarily drink, but perfect for now. If she’d poured a coffee she would be awake all night, if not bouncing off the walls.
“Luke, how are we doing?” She’d been rolling that question around in her mind all night. The cake had been baked on autopilot; she was lost to her thoughts and hoped she’d remembered all the ingredients. Hadn’t put in salt instead of sugar, she’d been so absentminded.
Her question had him thinking. That slightly humorous, confident twinkle in his eyes had faded. Fast. Now he looked serious.
“I don’t know, Ollie,” he replied, his voice gravelly.
She toyed with the glass, her fingers gliding across the smooth surface. She pushed her shoulders up and then down in a gentle shrug. That was the problem. She didn’t know, either.
“It’s hard, being back.” He nodded as he spoke. “If I’m honest about it, I’m liking it, but it’s still hard.”
That wasn’t the answer she’d hoped for. It was hard? As in she was hard, being here was hard, what?
“Do you not want to be here?”
He closed his eyes for a second, inhaled deeply and then shook his head, almost sadly.
“It’s hard being a civilian again, Ollie. It’s not that I don’t want to try, but it’s just a big change. It’s different, that’s all, but I don’t mean in a bad way.”
Relief fluttered in her throat, like a leaf in the breeze.
He put his glass in the sink and stood, his back to her. Talking wasn’t his thing, so she knew he’d be finding this difficult. But if he wanted a chance, a real chance like he’d asked for, he was going to have to learn how to talk. They couldn’t be a team, stay married, unless they put all their cards on the table. And that meant that she had to become a listener.
“Tell me, Luke,” she said.
“War is a completely different way of life,” he told her, his voice a low rumble. “It was my life, and what I became used to doing, what I did every day and who I was surrounded with, so I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t hard to leave behind.”
He turned to face her, his eyes intense, searching hers. She stayed silent, stunned that he was finally talking about what he’d been doing, what the army meant to him. And she was craving every word of it.
“War becomes the real world. And where I was, that meant me being in charge. I made decisions. I wasn’t questioned, because I made sure I made the right calls, and I knew how to be the best damn Special Forces soldier I could be. I stayed alive because I was good at what I did, and now back here I’m a no one.” He sighed. “I’m back to being the guy who grew up with nothing and no one to give a damn about him, and worrying that I’m making mistakes every step of the way.”
Olivia fought the desperate wish to shut her eyes and block out what Luke was saying. But she couldn’t. Because she was the one who’d told him to be honest, told him about the importance of opening up to her, and now she had to deal with the reality of his words.
“Luke, you’re not a no one here. You’re a dad, and right now you’re still my husband.” She blew out a breath. Just admitting that made her realize how wrong she’d been in trying to fire the divorce papers at him when he’d first arrived back. “You don’t ever have to be alone and unloved again. The difference now is that you have a choice.”
He smiled, but she could tell there was still so much left unsaid, so much he needed to tell her before he could properly move on. Before they could start to move forward and build on what they’d once had.
“All I know is how to be a great soldier, Ollie, because I’ve worked at it for years. Here, I don’t know how to do the right thing, how to be the dad Charlie needs me to be.” Luke looked tortured, crestfallen. She had never, ever seen him like this—almost on the verge of tears. “All I want is a dad to show me the ropes, to give me a role model. Show me how to do what I need to do for Charlie. Tell me what an idiot I was for leaving, and thinking in some warped way that I was doing the right thing.”
“You don’t need a role model to do that, Luke,” she said, trying hard not to cry herself. “You just need to be here, to try, to not be so hard on yourself.” She crossed the room and stood before him, trying to ignore how scared she was. How much she was opening up and how easy it would be for Luke to hurt her if he walked away. “If I hadn’t thought you’d be a great dad,” she said, taking one of his hands and pressing it to her heart, “if I hadn’t known it right here, I never would have had Charlie.”
“You mean you thought about not having him?” he asked, eyes locked on hers.
“No.” Olivia slowly shook her head, still stari
ng at him. “I didn’t have to think about it, because I knew the kind of person you were. That’s why it hurt me so bad when you walked away. When you made my deepest fear a reality.”
Luke’s eyes were filled with tears now, and she could tell from the vein bulging across his forehead and the clamp of his jaw that he was struggling to compose himself.
“Charlie doesn’t know any other dad, he only knows you, and he only wants you. We all make mistakes. It’s what parenting is all about. But you just need to be you, Luke. That’s all you need to do to have a real second chance.”
They watched one another, both standing dead still, so close that she could feel his breath on her face when he exhaled.
“What about being a husband, Ollie?” His voice was so deep now she almost looked away, his gaze so intense it scared her. “How do I go about being a better one of those?”
She didn’t have an answer for that. There was no magic model, no criteria that she could list for him to fulfil. What she wanted was for him to figure it out, to prove to her that she could trust him, because right now she wanted to. She wanted to let him in and trust him more than she’d ever wanted to before.
“I don’t know, Luke.” It was the truth. “I don’t know, but I do know that I want us both to figure it out.”
The expression on his face hardly changed, but the difference in his body was impossible not to notice. Luke spun on the spot, his entire frame tense and rigid as he walked away.
And then he turned, fast. And this time his expression was dark, the look in his eyes terrifying and exhilarating all in the same second.
Luke moved with stealth toward her, his long strides eating up the space between them before she could even register what he was doing. He had never been one for words, never pretended that he liked flowery, lengthy discussions or over-the-top flattery. But what he did have on his side was a power and presence that could rival any man’s. And with God as her witness, he was the most attractive, strong, addictive man she’d ever encountered.
