by Soraya Lane
“Were you with him?”
Luke nodded his head against hers.
“He died in my arms and then I had to leave him or get killed myself.”
She let him hold her tight, listened as his breathing became rapid, as if he was trying hard not to cry, before settling to a more even pace again. There was nothing she could say to make him feel better, nothing she could do. So if he wanted to hold her, then she wasn’t going to move a muscle.
“Good night,” he whispered, his breath soft against her ear.
“Good night,” she murmured back.
Being in Luke’s arms just seemed so right. And right now she didn’t ever, ever want to let him go again.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
LUKE WAS WATCHING Olivia sleep. Her long dark eyelashes brushed her cheekbones; her mouth was parted slightly. It seemed as if he’d been like this for hours, looking at her, thinking about what he’d done.
She was the most beautiful human being he’d ever met, the kindest person he’d ever encountered. And that’s why he couldn’t sleep—not now and not when he’d been away.
Was he capable of giving her the life she deserved? Was he the man who could love her, hold her and cherish her forever? Was he ever going to be a good enough dad? And could he be the man he wanted to be at home and a soldier, too?
He had pain running through his chest, pulsing at his temple, gripping at his mind. It was the feeling of guilt, of loss, of terror that had plagued him every month he’d been away. Had left him awake, in a cold sweat, before he’d up and left. The guilt he’d experienced when he’d made his mind up to return to his unit, to go back to his army family. When he’d broken his promise. When he’d whispered goodbye to his sleeping baby, and the weight of his failure had hit him.
He’d left his family behind then because he’d had such a strong sense of duty to fight by his men, to go back to the family he’d made for himself, who’d taken him in when he’d been alone. Because he’d been so damn afraid of becoming close with his son, and then dying was the very reason he’d been determined not to be a dad at all.
He’d blamed all his issues on his upbringing, on never knowing a father figure who hadn’t shown him the back of his hand. But it wasn’t that. It was his fear of letting Olivia down. Of letting his son down. Because he hadn’t believed he deserved them.
He’d been alone almost all his life, and in the army since he was barely of age. And then he’d met Olivia.
And now here he was again, wondering whether he could truly make a lifetime commitment to his wife and his son. Not because he wanted to be unfaithful, but because the army was his family, too. And because he’d turned down the job opportunity of a lifetime, trying to be the man he thought he should be, without even discussing it with his wife first.
Olivia started to stir and he slid back under the sheets. He held her close, touching his face to her hair, inhaling the coconut scent of her shampoo. He rubbed his lips over the so-soft skin of her neck, felt the gentle curve of her body fitted against his.
The last thing he wanted was to let her go, to lose her again. He wanted the indentation of her skin against his held in his memory forever. The taste of her lips pressed to his to be something he enjoyed every day, felt every morning when he woke up.
But he also couldn’t not be a soldier. If that was taken away from him, then he couldn’t be true to himself.
Olivia pressed into him, her body warm. Luke squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the feelings. Trying so hard to push them away.
For the first time since he was a kid, the cool slice of a tear slid down over his cheek and hit his pillow. He wished he could push away the worry, the feeling that he didn’t belong. But it was too hard.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“MORNING.” OLIVIA SMILED over at Luke, fighting shyness.
“Hey.”
It was weird, lying naked beneath the sheets and watching her husband. Looking at him watching her, wondering what he was thinking. Wondering how he was feeling.
Last night had been amazing, incredible, and she couldn’t believe it had happened. That she’d followed her heart instead of her mind for the first time in so long.
The half smile he gave her made her stomach knot into a tight ball.
“Is everything okay?” she asked.
Luke nodded before propping himself beside her on his elbow.
Something was wrong. Olivia’s toes curled in the sheets as she tried to push the worry away.
“Ollie...”
She pulled the sheet closer to her body, a cool shiver hitting her spine.
Luke sighed, running a hand through his hair and sitting up properly. “You want to get some breakfast?”
She let the sheet fall slightly. Breakfast? He was only asking her about breakfast?
“Uh, sure.” She’d been certain he was going to tell her something deep and dark and bad. Trust her to jump to conclusions.
He got up out of bed, leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She raised her mouth, but he didn’t even seem to notice. She’d been right. Something was definitely wrong.
“Luke, you sure you’re okay?” She had to ask, had to know what he was thinking.
It was then that she noticed that he was already wearing boxers and his T-shirt. Had he been somewhere already? How long had she slept?
“We’ve said it already, but one of the reasons we couldn’t be happy before was because we didn’t talk enough, right? Because we couldn’t just tell each other how we were feeling.”
Olivia swallowed, but it was as if her tongue had swelled in her mouth, making even breathing difficult.
They’d just spent the night together. She’d fallen asleep thinking she was the luckiest girl in all the world. And now what? He was having second thoughts? “Is there something you need to tell me?”
Olivia reached for her underwear and quickly slipped it on, crossing the room to find her clothes.
“Last night was amazing, Ollie.” Luke’s words made her stop, hand hovering over the fresh top in her bag. “I’ve been awake for hours, just watching you sleep, thinking about you.”
She smiled, forcing her hand from the bag so she could turn and face him. She needed to trust him, to not jump to conclusions without hearing him out first. Talking about his feelings had never been Luke’s thing, so if he wanted to talk, what the hell was she doing trying to fob him off?
He walked toward her, taking her hand and walking her back to the bed. She sat down and he did the same.
“Luke, it’s okay. Last night was great.” She squeezed his hand, searching his gaze, knowing something was troubling him, and wanting so bad to know what it was. “I’m so glad we stayed.”
A frown kept his mouth turned down ever so slightly at the corners, his eyes searching hers as if looking for answers, as if he had so much on his mind that he didn’t know how to tell her.
“Ollie, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I need to talk to you about my job, instead of just bottling it all up inside and making decisions without consulting you first.”
“I’m not following....” Her skin seemed instantly cool, as if she was already recoiling from what he wanted to tell her before she’d even listened to him.
“You know how important it is to me, to be a soldier, and I just don’t know how to separate being a dad, a husband and a soldier.” Luke didn’t look away, kept his eyes trained on hers. “I don’t want to leave you again, but I can’t just give up my career, either.”
Olivia couldn’t help it; she glared at him, anger flaring within her. “So you’re telling me that you’re leaving again? That all this has been for nothing.”
He shook his head, reaching out for her, cupping her cheek in his palm. “No.”
She was start
ing to shake, just her hands, but worry—terror—was starting to build within her. “Luke, I get that you’re a soldier, what that means to you. But you can’t just leave us again, not so soon.” Olivia didn’t know what else to say to him, didn’t know how she felt. “Am I right in guessing that any redeployment would be voluntary? Given how many tours you’ve been on?”
Luke nodded. “Yes.”
Now she was starting to get angry. “And yet you want to risk your life and go into the depths of hell again? Voluntarily?”
“I was offered a promotion within Special Forces,” he told her, his voice low. “They want me to lead an elite task force and head overseas again, and I’d be lying if I told you it wasn’t a position I’ve always dreamed of taking.”
If it was possible for a human being to explode from anger, Olivia would have. “And you’re telling me this now?” She was fuming.
Luke sighed, raking a hand furiously through his hair. “I didn’t want to keep anything from you,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you about it.”
Now she was mad. Seeing-red, fists-clenched kind of mad. “Yeah, well, maybe that’s a conversation we should have had last night, before you seduced me into sleeping with you.” It was a low blow, but she didn’t care. She’d trusted him, let herself believe in him again, and now he was telling her that he was taking his dream job?
“I stayed awake most of the night, just thinking, Ollie,” he said, not meeting her eyes. “And I knew that it’d be wrong not to at least talk this through with you. But—”
She interrupted him. “No, Luke. No. Just stop.”
His eyes were haunted, tears visible, but she didn’t care. He was hurting her, not the other way around, and she didn’t deserve it.
Olivia fought the tears piercing her own eyes, swallowed the sharp bite of bile in her throat, and pulled on her clothes with all the dignity she could summon. She heard Luke’s voice, as if it was echoing in the background, but she didn’t acknowledge him. Instead she pushed a shoe onto each foot, crossed the room to gather her things from the bathroom, and made for the door. It was over.
“Olivia, let me finish,” he demanded.
She stopped, turned to stare at him. “No, Luke. This was a mistake, all of this.”
“Ollie, please,” he called. “Just hear me out.”
But she wasn’t going to listen. Not to him, not ever again. Their marriage was over. The fact that he was even thinking about leaving them told her they’d never be able to make things work between them.
She slammed the door on him. If he loved her, he’d never want to let her out of his sight.
She should never have come here with Luke, just as she should never have lost herself in the romance of being with him last night, because the only thing she’d done right since he’d returned was to tell him she wanted a divorce. If she’d stuck to her plan, none of this would have happened.
Olivia wiped her nose and brushed at her eyes, then took a few moments to steady her breathing. That was the last and only time she would cry over Luke Brown. Their marriage was finished.
* * *
Talking to his wife hadn’t exactly gone as he’d planned.
Luke paced up and down the small room before looking out the window. He’d watched her go, seen her run across the street, and known he should have gone after her. Should have forced her to listen to him, tell her that he’d already turned the job down, but he knew that he needed to take some sort of active role within the army to be true to himself.
Luke pulled on his jeans and threw everything into his pack. He might have made a fool of himself just now, but he wasn’t going to do it again. Not if he could help it.
If he’d just managed to get the words off his chest in the right way... Luke stopped himself. Beating himself up wasn’t going to help, but he knew what would.
He picked up his phone and dialed his commanding officer. He needed to find a way to stay loyal to his family and the army, and he needed to do it now. Because he couldn’t be the father and husband he wanted to be if he gave up his career, if he walked away from something in his life that meant so much to him. But if he went back to being a soldier in the field? Then he may as well forget about the life he wanted to be part of here. The life that he’d fallen in love with.
His superior answered.
“Sir, it’s Luke Brown here.” He took a deep breath. It was now or never.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
THE PAIN DIDN’T go away, but it had faded to a dull ache. Olivia didn’t want Charlie to see her cry. It had been bad enough having him ask why she had red eyes. Although the hardest question, hands down, had been “Where’s Daddy?”
Kelly hadn’t been so easy to fool. She’d taken one look at her and demanded to know what had happened. But talking about Luke wasn’t something Olivia had any intention of doing anytime soon.
“I’m all packed up.” Kelly stood in the lounge, her overnight bag hooked on her shoulder. “You sure you don’t want to tell me about it?”
Olivia shook her head. Any harder and it would have fallen off.
“You sounded so happy when you phoned last night.” Her friend came forward and gave her a hug. “I’m sorry, Liv. For what it’s worth, I’m really, really sorry.”
It wasn’t that Olivia didn’t want her comfort. But being enveloped in a big, caring hug made her want to sob her heart out all over again, and she wasn’t going to let herself. There would be no more tears shed. Not one drop if she could help it. Because she already felt like a fool.
“Thanks so much for taking care of Charlie. I’ll call you soon.”
Kelly squeezed her arm one last time, eyes locked on hers, before leaving. Olivia was too exhausted to even walk her to the door. It was like she’d been on a roller coaster, over and over again, and now was physically sick and emotionally drained from it.
“Mommy!” Charlie appeared in front of her, grasping the wooden gun Luke had made for him. “Was that Daddy?”
She shook her head sadly. “No, darling, it was just Kelly leaving.”
His little face fell. “Oh.”
She didn’t know what to say to him. Would Luke be coming past to see him again before he left? Or was it going to be like last time? Would he just disappear?
Part of her wished it had worked out, still believed it could have, but the other part? It was telling her what an idiot she’d been. He was a soldier and going away was what he did. She only wished he’d talked to her about it sooner, instead of them repeating their same old pattern.
When her mother had kept letting her father came back home, Olivia had started to think her mom was a coward. She’d vowed, even as a child, never to let anyone treat her like that. And she’d been so proud when her mom had finally kicked him out.
And yet she’d forgotten the one piece of advice her mom had given her, the one thing she should have held on tight to: that a leopard would never change its spots.
Well, she’d believed Luke had changed his, and she’d fallen for him all over again. Now she had to explain to Charlie that his dad had gone. Be honest with him that he might not come back. That he’d broken the promise he’d made to his son.
If she didn’t love him so much, perhaps the pain wouldn’t feel like it was ripping her insides apart, piece by painful piece. Because this time, surely, they could have made it work.
* * *
Luke sat outside, willing himself to get out of the car. No matter what happened now, he’d made his decision. Even if Olivia said no to him, turned him away, he was going to be part of his son’s life. Wasn’t ever going to be serving offshore again.
The sun glinted off his windshield and Luke took it as a cue to get moving. He had no idea how Olivia would react to his turning up out of the blue, but now was as good a time as any to find out. And to tell her t
hat he’d done something about what was keeping him from being a good dad, something that could make him a better husband.
He decided to go around the back.
Luke saw Olivia before she saw him. He took in the fall of her long, honey-brown hair, the way she so casually tucked it behind one ear as she watched Charlie. She was dressed in faded jeans and a white tank top, and she looked beautiful.
Blue eyes turned upward then, and she saw him. It wasn’t the look he’d hoped for, but he guessed he deserved it. Those ocean-colored irises flashed dark—dark with hurt—and he sucked in a deep breath and walked in.
“Hi,” he called out as he stood in the open back door.
“Daddy!” Charlie raced forward and threw both arms around him.
“Hey, buddy, how are you?”
Luke tried to focus on his son, but Olivia’s gaze drew him. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, so much he wanted to apologize for and make up to her.
Luke didn’t regret one moment of his time serving his country, but what he did regret was not calling, not being honest, not being home with his family at every possible interval. But he’d done the right thing now, no matter what Ollie decided about their future, and he could finally say, with his hand on his heart, that he could be the dad his son deserved.
“Ollie—” He was interrupted.
“Daddy, are you home now? Are you staying here? Mommy said you might be going away again!”
Luke dropped to his knees and cupped his hand under his son’s chin before touching foreheads with him.
“I need to talk with your mom, okay?” he said in a low voice. “But I’m not leaving you, kiddo. I promise. Not now and not ever.”
“Really?” Charlie asked, eyes unblinking as he stared up at him.
“I made you a promise, son. I said that if I ever left again, you’d know when and where I was going. I’m not gonna break that promise. Okay?”
Charlie seemed satisfied. “’Kay.”
Luke sensed rather than heard Olivia tsk, but he kept his eyes on his boy. When Charlie smiled, he dropped a kiss on his head and stood to full height. Olivia thought he was making false promises, but he wasn’t. Not this time, not ever.
