“There is no pain,” he lied.
“Then you don’t deserve her.”
Harrison stalked into the woods. He couldn’t agree more.
Jessye sat on the bank, her knees drawn up against her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs. How peaceful the river seemed. How deceptive.
She could not believe what she had allowed to happen between Harry and herself. Allowed? Wanted desperately. Needed urgently.
She’d felt powerless this afternoon, just as she had the night she’d given up her daughter.
She heard Harry’s muted footsteps and braced herself for the confrontation. Oh, God, where had her restraint and self-preservation gone? What if she carried his child? She wrapped her fingers around the locket. She would never go through that hell again.
He hunkered down in front of her, placed her bag on the ground, and opened it. “Let me see if I can repair the damage,” he said quietly.
Without looking at him, she snatched her belongings. “I can handle myself.”
He reached for her shirt. She slapped his hands away. “What are you doing?”
“Your buttons are askew. I thought to set them straight.”
She glanced down at the mess she’d made putting her clothes on. His finger touched her button. She jerked around. “Don’t be nice to me, Harry.”
“I’m not in the habit of making love to a woman and then treating her badly.”
“Well, I got no habits when it comes to men except to avoid them. Gerald was the only one…this was different.”
“In what way?”
She clutched the bag. How could she explain that although she’d experienced pleasure with Gerald, it had never been this earth-shattering? The efforts of an awkward, clumsy boy held no weight against those of an experienced man. The memories were sweet, but Gerald had never left her with this intense longing that she feared might never again be satisfied. Tonight, she’d reveled in Harry’s power, strength, and knowledge. Ah, God, his knowledge: how to touch, how to move, how to reach through her body to unleash her heart and soul.
She cleared her throat. “Just different.”
She didn’t stop him this time as he straightened her buttons. When he finished, he skimmed his finger along her chin. “You’ll hate me come morning,” he said quietly.
She lifted her gaze to his. “I won’t.”
He gave her a sad smile. “The next day then. Or perhaps the day after that because I can’t pay your price. I can’t give you love.”
She nodded, not surprised by his words. She wasn’t the type men fell in love with, especially men like Harry: cultured and refined. A thoroughbred stallion standing next to a scrawny dog.
“Do you know why I always beat you at poker? Because your face reveals your every thought. And now your face tells me that I’ve hurt you.”
“I never expected you to love me—”
“Expectation and hope are not the same thing.”
“I never hoped it either.”
“Good.”
He started to rise. She grabbed his hand, and he stilled. “Would you mind staying just a bit longer? I don’t want to go back to camp yet, but I don’t really want to be alone. You don’t have to talk—”
He pressed his finger to her lips. “Sometimes more is said with silence than with words.” He settled against a tree and patted the ground between his spread legs. “Come here.”
She hesitated a heartbeat before scrambling over his leg and pressing her back to his chest. He folded his arms around her, tucking them beneath her breasts. She rested her hands over his, reveling in the strength she felt there. She nestled her head into the crook of his shoulder.
The silence eased in around them, weaving camaraderie between them. She drew comfort from the sturdiness of his embrace. She watched a star fall from the sky and made a wish that her child would be spared all the mistakes her mother had made.
“Do you always cheat?” she asked quietly.
“Only when it’s imperative that I win.” He pressed his warm lips against the nape of her neck. “It was not my intent to cheat tonight, but I fear I may have.”
She shook her head. “We were playing with the same deck, Harry.”
He cradled her cheek and turned her head slightly, until their gazes met. “For whatever comfort this might bring you in the nights that follow, know this…when I thought death was a certainty, I chose a collection of memories that revolved around you to carry into the darkness with me.”
Tears stung her eyes. She studied his face, and for one startling second, the wall vanished to reveal his vulnerabilities. He wasn’t dealing her false flattery.
She drew comfort from his words and his actions, because she feared that whether he cheated or not, he had won her body, after slowly, methodically winning her heart.
Chapter 13
The Indian Territory unfolded to reveal miles of undulating brown grass. As much as Harrison tried to appreciate the majestic expanse of never-ending land and blue sky, he had to readily admit that he was bored out of his wits. He thought he might actually welcome a hostile encounter with the fierce Comanche warriors he’d heard tales of.
Only twice had Indians actually approached the caravan and demanded payment for safe passage. Kit turned a few cattle over to them, and off they went.
Harrison no longer rode drag at the back of the herd but had moved to what the men referred to as a swing position, riding behind the point, within sight of Jessye. A foolish action, when he well imagined that any of the other men had more experience with weapons and could better protect her in case of an attack.
Still, he enjoyed having her within his sight. Especially when a steer decided to break ranks and trotted away from the main herd. He liked the way her bottom shifted in the saddle as she leaned low to guide her horse toward the errant creature and lure it back into formation. The way she angled her chin and smiled in triumph as they neared the herd.
Since they had made love, she never joined him on his watch, and he received no more stolen kisses. At night when he circled the slumbering herd, he found his conscience riding beside him.
He took every opportunity he could to avoid Jessye even though he loathed his cowardly retreat. Making love to her had been a mistake—tasting her fully had left him with an insatiable appetite that he feared only she could satisfy.
Dear God, even as he worked to avoid contact with her, he discovered that he wanted her more than he thought humanly possible. He wanted her smiles directed his way, her laughter to waltz around him, her smoky voice to whisper near his ear.
Even as he cursed the night they’d shared after crossing the Red River, he wished he’d savored the moments when she’d welcomed his body into hers. Fear had driven him that night.
His mind often drifted to the night when she’d delivered the baby, and later shared confidences with him. He longed for the intimacy that had shimmered between them even though they had not been touching. He was desperate for the deeper intimacy that touching would bring.
He was quite simply going insane.
His body aching and weary, Harrison crouched before the low embers of the campfire. He saw Jessye curled into a ball near the supply wagon, one hand tucked beneath her cheek, the other resting on her stomach. How easily she seemed to sleep, when he found it nearly impossible. With any luck, he might get two hours before the cook awakened everyone just before dawn.
Turning his head at a slight movement, he watched as Kit strolled across the camp and dropped beside him. “You were due back hours ago.”
Harrison shrugged. “I took another watch.”
“We’ll be crossing into Kansas tomorrow.”
“Thank God for that.”
“Dan, Jessye, and I discussed it earlier. We thought it might be a good idea to send a couple of riders on ahead to determine if we’ll meet any resistance from farmers or jayhawkers.”
“Sounds like a solid plan.”
“Jessye suggested that you and she
go.”
Harrison felt as though he’d been punched in the stomach. “You go with her.” He surged to his feet and strode from the camp. He heard the muffled footsteps following him into the darkness.
“You’ve been avoiding her since we crossed the Red River. What happened that night, Harry?”
He staggered to a halt and spun around. “Nothing happened.”
“You kissed her, didn’t you? You kissed her and discovered she isn’t like the cold bitches you’ve always bedded in the past.”
Harry clenched his fists at his sides. God, if only that were all he’d done. “I suggest you head back to camp before you find yourself minus a few teeth.”
“It won’t change anything, you know. You can avoid her until hell freezes over, and it won’t change what you’re feeling. You can even watch her marry another, and it won’t stop you from loving her.”
“I don’t love her,” he ground out.
“In that case, you shouldn’t mind escorting her tomorrow.”
Harrison dropped back his head and gazed at the stars. The problem with having Kit for a friend was that the man was too discerning and too clever by half when it came to getting his way. “All right. I’ll go with her.”
“Good. You’ll leave before dawn.”
“I should be charming company after less than two hours’ sleep.”
“What does it matter? You aren’t trying to impress her.”
Kit walked away whistling a jolly tune that Harrison had often heard sung among the street vendors in the East End of London. He much preferred his friend melancholy.
Jessye cast a sideways glance at the man riding beside her. She’d avoided Harry for close to two weeks. The passion that had erupted between them had taken her by storm, and just like the forceful winds of a hurricane, it had left devastation in its wake.
She didn’t regret what had happened that night, but she’d feared the hell that might follow. She’d given up one child. She knew she’d never give up another. She was older now, wiser, and more mature. She would have money even if she didn’t have a husband.
She’d lain awake many a night, her hand resting on her stomach, alternately hoping she carried Harry’s child, and praying that she didn’t. Three days ago, much to her disappointment, her prayers had been answered.
Harry removed his hat, shifted in his saddle, and faced her as squarely as he could. Lord, but she had missed him.
“How are you feeling?” he asked somberly as though testing waters.
“Fine.”
He dropped his gaze to her stomach, and she watched his throat work as he swallowed. His eyes met hers. “Would you know by now if you weren’t fine?”
“Trying to figure out whether or not you can stop avoiding me?”
“I’m attempting to determine whether or not I’m about to take a wife,” he snapped.
She laughed. “Lord, Harry, I hope you ask her with a little more sweetness to your words or you’re gonna get a no for sure.”
“Damn it, Jessye!”
“You can stop worrying. I’m not carrying your child.”
“Thank God for small miracles.”
Her shattered heart cracked at the genuine relief reflected in his voice. “My thoughts exactly,” she lied.
He settled his hat on his head, casting shadows over his face. “I would not have wanted you to suffer because of my actions that night.”
“According to my recollection, the actions weren’t one-sided.”
“Still, knowing what I do of your past, I should have shown restraint. That is the reason I have avoided you. I did not want to place you in a situation you did not desire.”
She furrowed her brow. “I don’t understand. Avoiding me wouldn’t have changed whether or not I was with child. That night happened because death nearly claimed you, and neither of us was thinking. It’s not gonna happen again.”
He pinned her with his gaze. “You think not? I want you with an intensity that borders on obsession.”
Her stomach quivered, and the heat of his gaze almost had her melting like wax beneath the flame of a candle. “That’s just…just ’cuz I’m the only woman out here.”
“Dear God, you honestly believe that, don’t you?”
“I know what kind of woman a man wants.”
“And what kind of woman would that be?”
“Prim, proper, and pure.”
“Ah, the three Ps. Is this something you were taught in school like the three Rs?”
“Life taught me that lesson.”
“Life or Gerald Milton?”
“They’re one and the same,” she lashed out. “I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.”
“Because you questioned my avoidance of you, and I want you to understand that you play with fire when you find these absurd reasons to force me into your company.”
The anger struck her like a bolt of lightning. “You arrogant ass! I’ll admit I welcomed the opportunity to have a moment alone with you so I could let you know that you didn’t get me with child, but you’re the one who insisted I take this trek with you.”
He looked as though she’d doused him with a bucket of cold water. “What? Are you insinuating that you didn’t tell Kit that you wanted me to accompany you on this scouting expedition?”
“He told me that you wanted me to go with you.”
“That bastard,” he murmured in a tone that carried a sinister ring to it.
“Does that mean you didn’t tell him you wanted me to come with you?”
“No, I did not. We’ve been had.”
“Why would he do that?” she asked, confused.
“He has this overwhelming need to meddle in people’s lives. We need to find a way to get even.”
“We could send him snipe hunting,” she suggested.
He shook his head. “We need something far worse than that.”
She smiled at the anger receding from his voice, the camaraderie easing back into place. “I’ve missed your friendship, Harry.”
Reaching out, he cradled her cheek with his roughened palm. “A friendship forged within the fires of hell can withstand the heat of anger.”
“So you’ve said before,” she reminded him.
He stroked his thumb over her lips, sending the warmth swirling through her. “I don’t know if it can withstand the flames of passion,” he said quietly.
“What happened that night won’t happen again.”
He moved his hand away from her face. “You keep telling yourself that, Jessye my love, and maybe you’ll convince us both.”
Shots rang out, shattering the calm, and her breath hitched. “Oh, God.”
“Do you think it’s an Indian attack?” he asked.
The cacophony of thunder continued. “I don’t know.”
“I suppose I should investigate.”
Trepidation sliced through her. “Yeah, I reckon we should.”
He jerked his head around. “I shall investigate. You’ll stay here.”
“The hell I will. If there’s trouble, another gun might be needed.”
“It sounds as if they have more than enough guns.”
A deafening silence suddenly descended over the land.
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Harry said in a low voice.
Jessye kicked her horse into a gallop. She heard Harry’s harsh curse, soon followed by the thunder of his horse’s hooves.
“Approach with caution,” he yelled once he caught up to her.
She nodded and slowed her horse. Her stomach roiled as the wind brought the stench of splattered blood, and her heart ached at the carnage that lay before her. Dead cattle littered the land. Wounded cattle bawled.
“Dear God, what happened?” Harry asked.
Jessye shook her head. “Makes no sense.” She slipped her gun from her holster and checked the bullets.
“What are you doing?”
“Can’t leave the ones that are alive to suffer.” On horseback
, she wended her way through the dead cattle until she reached the first steer slathered in blood but still alive. Her throat tightening, she aimed her gun and fired. The beast fell to its side, and a man jumped to his feet, his rifle raised.
“Whoa there!” Harry yelled. “We mean you no harm.”
The man lowered his rifle and sank to his haunches. Jessye followed Harry’s lead as he made his way around the slain cattle. When they neared the man, they both dismounted. The man jerked his tear-stained face toward them, and sharp pain swept through Jessye.
The man was a boy who couldn’t have been any older than sixteen. Beside him sat another boy, his shirt drenched in sweat, his eyes vacant, his arms wrapped around his drawn up legs as he rocked back and forth.
“What happened, lad?” Harry asked as he knelt beside them.
The older boy sniffed and rubbed his hand beneath his nose. “Jayhawkers.”
Jessye slowly dropped to her knees beside the younger boy, desperately wanting to take him in her arms and console him, but fearful of his reaction after all he’d witnessed. “What are your names?”
“Tom. Tom Carter. This here’s my kid brother Jake. Don’t know how I’m gonna tell my ma ’bout all this.”
“Where’s the rest of your outfit?” Harry asked.
Tom glanced around. “It was only me, my brother, and fifty head of cattle. Just wanted to make enough money to get through the winter.”
“These jayhawkers simply came through and started shooting?” Harry asked.
“Nah, sir. They asked for money first. Said we had to pay for safe passage. Told ’em we didn’t have no money, and their leader shot our horses like they was nuthin’. Then they started killin’ the cattle.”
“But they didn’t shoot you,” Harry pointed out.
“Nah, sir. I’m supposed to spread the word that Texas cattle ain’t welcome in Kansas. Only I ain’t doin’ nuthin’ that damn bastard told me.” He cast a sheepish glance at Jessye. “Forgive the language, ma’am.”
“Nothing to forgive. I’d say you’re pretty well calling the man what he was.”
“What did the leader look like?” Harry asked.
Tom shrugged. “Just regular lookin’, wore buckskin britches, but I’d know him if I see him. I see him again, though, I’m gonna kill him.”
Never Love a Cowboy Page 16
