by Lucy Kevin
She couldn’t believe all the wonderful things he was saying. Couldn’t believe an amazing man like him was saying them to her.
“You’re wonderful, Daniel.” And yet, she still needed him to understand why she wasn’t jumping at being with him. Needed him to know that it had nothing to do with him…and everything to do with her.
“Then be with me.”
He made it sound so simple, but she knew better. “My life is so messy. Seeing Oliver again reminded me of just what a mess it still is.” The blue of the ocean and the gold of the sand reminded her of Daniel’s kids with their blond hair and bright blue eyes. “I know how much you love your kids, and I would never want to do something that would taint what you have with them. I mean, look at me now—you’ve just said you want to be with me, that you love me. And all I can do is wonder if I’m so wrecked by my bad marriage, by the ugliness of my divorce, that I’ll always be waiting for the moment when things start to fall apart.”
Daniel had remained quiet, listening in a way that Oliver never would have. Finally, he spoke again. “I’m not going to tell you what to feel, or what to think. You’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime. But I’ll say this: You are not wrecked. You may not be perfect—no one is—but you’re still perfect to me.”
He took her hands in his, and she marveled at the way his large hands fit hers so well. His hands were callused from the time he’d spent in war zones, hers were scarred from her many kitchen mishaps, and yet both were still strong and capable.
“I love you.” He held her gaze, not letting her look away. “I love you. I never thought I would say that to anyone else after Victoria died. I thought I was the wrecked one, but with you I finally know that second chances really are possible.”
Jenn wished that she could say it as easily as he did. She wished she could erase her past and come to him brand new, not only with open arms, but without any fears of failing again.
“You don’t have to say anything now.” He stroked his fingers over hers, and she felt his touch all the way down deep in the dark places she’d thought could never find the light again. “You don’t have to say anything at all if you don’t love me too. But I think you do.” His lips curved into a smile as he lifted her hands and pressed a kiss to them. “I know you do. So I’m prepared to wait for you as long as you need.”
Oliver would have pressed on until he got what he wanted, until Jenn said whatever he wanted her to say. But Daniel simply squeezed her hands one last time, then left her to try to untangle her web of thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams while the Malibu waves lapped at her toes.
Chapter Fourteen
The breeze had turned cool by the time Jenn finally headed home. She was so tempted to drive to Daniel’s house to ask Adam and Kayla about their soccer games, to make dinner with them, and then sit close enough to Daniel at the dining table that she could feel his leg warm and strong against hers.
But was that just a dream?
Or could it be a reality? What if she reached for happiness and it didn’t work? What if she left not only Daniel upset and confused, but also two innocent children?
Endless questions were spinning around and around inside her head when she walked into her apartment building and got the second-biggest shock of her life. The first had been hearing Daniel say, I love you.
The second was seeing Oliver in the hall outside her apartment.
“What are you doing here?”
“One of your neighbors let me in.” He sat in what she assumed was the lotus position, his hands on his knees in the classic meditative pose. “I told them that I’m your husband and that you were expecting me.”
“You’re not my husband.” She practically yelled the words at him. “You’re my ex-husband.”
Oliver waved that away as he rose to his feet. “Semantics.”
Actually, it was a very important distinction. One she obviously needed to make clear to her neighbors so that they wouldn’t again make the mistake of letting Oliver into the building to ambush her.
Deciding there was no point in prolonging that argument with him at present, however, she said, “You still haven’t answered my question about why you’re here.”
“We weren’t done with our conversation.”
“Yes, we were. But you still decided you’d talk your way into my building like some kind of stalker.”
She should have seen this coming. Whenever Oliver wanted something, he went after it with a laser focus. In fact, the reason they’d gotten serious in the first place was because he’d been relentless in wooing her, sweeping her off her feet in a whirlwind of romantic gestures. Only now could she finally see that his effort had less to do with him wanting her and more to do with not wanting to fail.
“I’m making a real effort for you here, Jenn.” He looked genuinely hurt. “The least you could do is invite me in so that we can talk things through like two reasonable people.”
While a part of her would have liked to have their final showdown in private versus the all-too-public argument in Tamara’s café, the fact was that she didn’t know Oliver anymore. Didn’t know if he might be so close to the edge that he’d act out with her. Going to a semi-private space with lots of facing windows to the apartments that surrounded it, was a much better idea.
“We can talk in the garden.” She led him through the outdoor space. “But don’t get too comfortable there. You won’t be staying long.”
In the garden, he sat down on a stone bench, carefully arranging his kaftan around himself. “Once we’re running the retreat together, you won’t need to live here by yourself anymore. I’ll be glad to move in with you so that we’ll have more money for capital expenses.”
A shocked laugh escaped her throat. Had he truly not heard anything she’d said to him that morning? “I’ve already told you a partnership isn’t going to happen.”
“Yes, I know,” he said with another of those annoying hand waves meant to minimize her objections. “But that’s only because that idiot who thinks he’s in love with you showed up before I could tell you why you’re wrong to even think of hesitating on this.”
Refusing to let him draw her into talking about Daniel, she said, “I’m not hesitating. I don’t want to be involved. Period.”
“But you haven’t listened to a word I have to say.” He looked like a petulant child. “Honestly, Jenn, if we’re going to make this work, you really need to start understanding some of my needs.”
“Like your need to sleep with other people?”
“Exactly. You’re acting like I did this huge, unforgivable thing, but even when I explained to you how it was a natural progression of our marriage into something more experimental and exciting, you wouldn’t listen. In fact, if we’re being totally honest here, I don’t think you ever really listened to me during our marriage.”
Once upon a time she would have been breaking down. Crying, or shouting, or running away to escape him. Now, all she felt was a solid determination to be done with him once and for all.
“I’m actually glad you’re here,” she said. “Because it turns out that there are some things I need to say to you.”
It was a mark of just how self-deluded he was that he said, “There’s no need to apologize for your behavior, Jenn. I’m big enough to understand that you’re still growing into the person you need to be.”
The contrast between Daniel and Oliver couldn’t have been clearer than in that moment. When Daniel had come to the beach after the scene in the café, it had been to apologize and lay his honest feelings on the line. In contrast, Oliver couldn’t even be honest with himself. Daniel had been there to make sure that Jenn was all right, but Oliver was here solely to make sure that he got everything he wanted. Daniel was prepared to wait as long as it took for Jenn to be sure about her feelings, while Oliver would do whatever it took to convince Jenn that his feelings were the right ones for her to have too.
“I was angry with you for a long time,” she began.<
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“I already told you that I forgive you, so we can get past that now and—”
Jenn stopped him with a look. She hadn’t known that she could do that during their marriage, but now Oliver immediately fell silent. “Don’t interrupt me, please.” She took a breath to ground herself again. “I was angry, but now I see that you’re not worth being angry with. If I get angry with you for being self-centered and inconsiderate, I might as well be angry with the ocean for being wet or the sky for being blue.” He was already sputtering with outrage when she added, “The truth is we were never a good fit. I shouldn’t have stayed with you as long as I did. I kept expecting you to change, when I knew deep down inside that it was never going to happen.”
“So now you’re back to blaming me.”
“I don’t blame you for all of it, even if you did cheat on me. Even if you have never once apologized or even suggested that you might have done something wrong.” Was that a flash of shame in his eyes? Good. “When I was with you, I didn’t know myself very well. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life, so I was willing to believe what I wanted was you. And that what you wanted was good enough for me too.”
“I can be what you want,” Oliver insisted. “I’ve spent years improving myself to be the best that I can be. I can teach you how to get there too. We can find nirvana together.”
It was painfully obvious he believed, with his carefully toned body, his strict diet, and his spiritual philosophies, that he was well on the way to perfection. But as he sat there in his voluminous outfit in the garden, Jenn could see only a man who was so lacking that he would jump on any bandwagon to try to complete himself.
“For so long,” she said, “I had this big hole inside of me that I wanted to fill up. It wasn’t fair to think that you were the way to do that.”
“Now Daniel is the one you want to fill up your empty spaces.”
“No.” Jenn shook her head firmly. “I’m the one who’s going to fill my own empty spaces this time around. In fact, I already am.”
“Do you really think you’re making a difference with your cakes and pies?” He didn’t quite sneer, but probably only because it would have added lines to his unnaturally smooth features.
“You know what?” She realized she was smiling. Even in the middle of this horrible—and long overdue—showdown with her ex-husband, her passion for what she did shone through. “I am. Baking is what I’m meant to do. It gave me a way to stand on my own two feet after we split up. It brought me friends and the chance to work somewhere really exciting. And it makes other people happy too. I’m finally becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be, and I don’t need to apologize to you or anyone else for that.”
It was the strongest thing she’d ever said to him, even after she’d caught him in bed with another woman. All her emotions at that point had been rooted in how lost she’d thought she’d be without him, how emotionally betrayed she’d felt. Now, however, she finally realized that she was more than strong enough to move forward on her own—and to head in a great direction.
By the pinched expression around Oliver’s eyes, Jenn knew just how much hearing this truth hurt. “I still think that we can work this out,” he said, but this time it sounded more like a plea than a confident statement. “I can see that you’re infatuated with this Daniel guy, but—”
“Even if he wasn’t in the picture, there’s no way I would ever get back together with you. Ever.”
“But I thought…” More of his false exterior calm cracked. “I need this, Jenn. I don’t know what to do if you don’t come back to me.”
“Do what I did,” Jenn suggested in a far gentler tone than she’d used so far. “Do the best you can and create a new life for yourself. But understand that it’s not going to be one that includes me. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want anything to do with your business idea. We’re done. We’ve been done for a very long time.”
Oliver looked like he was searching inside himself, hoping to find that one argument that would magically turn things around and make Jenn throw herself into his arms. Finally, though, his shoulders slumped.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing left to say. It’s over. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your life, Oliver. But you should go now.” And don’t ever come back.
He seemed so much smaller leaving the garden than he had coming in. Only when she saw his car drive away did she dare to relax.
Oliver was gone.
For good.
She ran a bath to wash away some of the tension from her body. As she sank deep into the hot water, she realized that Oliver was surprisingly easy to let go of. Even so, she couldn’t relax completely. Not when she had far more important things—and people—to consider.
Daniel had said that he loved her. Repeatedly, and with such conviction, such honesty, that her heart flipped around inside her chest every time she replayed their conversation in her head. He’d given her the space to make up her mind about what she felt, but she already knew the answer to that.
The only question that remained was whether she had the courage to risk her heart one more time…
Chapter Fifteen
Jenn woke up the next morning profoundly glad that her old feelings about Oliver that had been muddying the waters since their divorce were now gone. She knew now that things never could have worked out between them. There simply wasn’t enough overlap between what she and Oliver wanted out of life. In truth, she’d been lucky to get out when she had. And it had been good to get everything off her chest—even if she wished they could have skipped the big scene in Tamara’s coffee shop.
Speaking of which, she was still worried about Liz’s response. Jenn knew she should call her boss to explain, but she wanted to feel clearer, calmer—less overwhelmed—first. Yes, she had plenty of work left to do on her cakes. But it was still too soon to head back into the Married in Malibu kitchen and risk making a mistake.
She spent Sunday reading through her favorite cookbooks, then going to her favorite cookware store and choosing several beautiful new cookie cutters to use on the new cookie recipes she’d decided to put together. By that evening she did feel better, thank you.
Still, by Monday morning, Daniel’s I love you continued to play over and over in her head, and she was equal parts excited and nervous about seeing him. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust that his feelings were true, or thought that hers for him were fleeting. She cared for him. Deeply.
But though she’d been brave enough to walk out on her bad marriage, and brave enough to start a new career at Married in Malibu, was she brave enough to open her heart up all the way again? Daniel deserved to be with someone who wouldn’t hold anything back from him or his children.
Could she be that woman?
The morning’s first test of Jenn’s bravery came when Liz walked into Married in Malibu’s main building at the same time that she came in through the garden door. Seeing that Liz was holding a Malibu T & Coffee cup made Jenn’s stomach tighten even more.
Taking a deep breath to try to bolster her courage, she said, “Liz, I’m sure you heard about what happened Saturday at Tamara’s café.”
“I did, and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It must have been rough, having your ex insist on meeting with you like that.”
Liz looked truly concerned. But not about Married in Malibu’s reputation—about Jenn. She knew she shouldn’t have been so surprised by Liz’s kindness, and the way she put her employees’ happiness before the bottom line. But after having been so alone for so long, it was still sometimes hard to remember that she wasn’t anymore.
“It was pretty rough,” Jenn admitted. “But I want you to know nothing like that will ever happen again.”
“I sure hope not. From what Tamara said, your ex was way over the line, trying to get you to stay and listen to his nonsense when you were ready to walk away.”
“Unfortunately,” Jenn said with a sigh,
“that’s just how Oliver is. But I dealt with it.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Liz put her hand on Jenn’s arm. “And I want you to know that if he ever tries to pull something like that again, give me a call and I’ll come back you up. I’m sure everyone here feels the same.”
Before she could think better of it, Jenn threw her arms around Liz. “Thank you for being a great boss. And for being a wonderful friend too.”
“You’re great, Jenn. Exactly the kind of strong woman I love to have on my team.” Liz squeezed her tight as she added, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”
Jenn could feel herself starting to tear up at how deeply Liz’s words touched her. It was exactly what she needed to hear this morning. But while it was one thing to hug her boss out of the blue, it was another to cry on her shoulder first thing in the morning.
“I’m sure you’re busy, and I should get to work on the cakes.”
Liz gave her a long look before nodding. “I’ll be by to check in with you later. I meant it when I said I wanted to make sure you’re not burning yourself out. Especially since I know the Brides spread is going to lead to plenty of big weddings in the future.”
As Jenn hurried off toward the kitchen, she couldn’t have been more thankful for all the work she had to do. Making wedding cakes for Married in Malibu’s celebrity weddings was a huge honor, especially considering that she would have been baking every day anyway simply because she loved it so much. And considering how crazy her personal life had been recently, it was no small relief to know that she could retreat to her kitchen and focus on her cakes.
Today in particular, she needed to put every single ounce of focus into making sure the Brides shoot was as perfect as possible. But when she stepped into her kitchen, the first thing she saw wasn’t her cakes.
It was Daniel.
He looked so good standing there, with the sun from the kitchen windows lighting him up from behind. But nothing could match the brightness of the smile he gave her, one that was filled with so much love it took her breath away.
