by Annie Jocoby
“Addy, that’s enough,” my dad said. “Your mother is just trying to help.” He put his arm around mom. “Honey, I think Addy’s got this.”
Mom just shook her head and brought out a Kleenex that she had apparently shoved into her pocket when she went to the restroom. I felt sorry for her, but I also felt mad. She needed to man up, or the female equivalent of manning up. I couldn’t have her falling apart all the time.
As I climbed the stairs to go and see Chloe, I could hear my parents talking down below. They were trying hard to be quiet, but I could hear dad trying to talk to mom. I also heard mom say stuff about losing me. That hurt. I was worried about losing my leg. Mom was apparently worried about me dying. That thought never even crossed my mind. I was 15. I was way too young to die. My destiny was to be on television with my own cooking show. My destiny certainly wasn’t to die before I even finished high school.
Was it?
I got to Chloe’s room and knocked on the door. She answered the door almost immediately.
“Hey kid, what’s going on up here?” I kinda knew, because her schoolbooks, and her laptop, were spread out on her bed. Next to her books were our two dogs, Georgie and Gracie. They were both pugs, and they eagerly jumped off the bed when I came in and greeted me. I bent down to scratch their ears and they whined softly.
“I’m studying. I have an AP exam tomorrow in conversational French.”
I shook my head. Conversational French, and the girl was 12 years old. I never had that kind of motivation to learn another language, especially one as useless as French was in this country. Now, Spanish was a language that I would consider learning, if only because that was a language that was often spoken around me. But I hardly ever heard anyone speaking French, except, of course, when I went to France and other French-speaking countries.
I sat down on the bed, shoving aside several books and various papers. “Okay. Well, I guess you know that mom and dad went to the doctor with me today.”
She nodded. “You’re sick, aren’t you?”
“I am. I have cancer. In my knee.” I pointed to my knee.
Her eyes got wide. She looked like a little owl to me, as she wore glasses and her eyes were large anyhow. Her right hand shook a little bit. “Are you going to die?” she asked me softly.
“No. I mean, I don’t want to tell you that, only to find out that I’m in fact going to die. But I don’t think so. The doctor seemed to say that he can cure this. But they need to do a biopsy and everything to see what kind it is, so that they know what to do with it. I might lose my leg, though.”
She started to cry. “Alison’s sister died of cancer. Alison always thought that her sister was going to beat it, too.”
I put my arm around the crying Chloe. “Chlo, I know that you’re scared. I am too. I won’t lie. But we can’t go there. We can’t just assume that I’m going to die.”
Chloe nodded her head. “But you might. You might, and what then? I don’t want to think that you’re going to be okay, only to find out that you’re not.”
I sighed. Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to talk to Chloe before I had a really good handle on what was happening. “Chloe, I know that Alison’s sister died of cancer.” Alison was Chloe’s best friend, or one of her best friends. Everyone knew Alison’s sister, whose name was Margaret, because Margaret was one of hit most popular girls in school. Margaret was my age, and when she died, going to school was like going to a wake. “But let’s just find out what the doctor says about my cancer before we jump to any conclusions. Besides, Margaret had brain cancer. She had one of those glio things. I was doing research on the Internet before I even went in to see that doctor, and bone cancer is kinda curable. More curable than a glio brain tumor, anyhow.”
I knew something about brain cancer, as I read up on it when Margaret got sick. I found out that her particular type was the very worst. Everybody kinda knew what was about to happen when it was known that she had that particular disease.
Chloe’s haunted owl-eyes just stared at me. That was a problem with little Chloe – she was pretty sensitive, anyhow. She studied a lot, got amazing grades, and had few friends. The friends that she had, though, were very close to her. She was the kind of girl who rarely spoke in class, and was so shy that if a boy was walking on the same side of the street as her, she would cross the street to avoid that boy. Even if it was a boy that she liked.
Because she was so sensitive and shy, I knew that she was going to have a problem with my being sick. Olivia was going to handle it much better, I thought. So much better. I usually didn’t get along with Olivia, but always got along with Chloe. But, right at that moment, with Chloe looking like she was about to have a nervous breakdown, I really wanted Olivia. She was more like dad – strong-willed, doesn’t take shit, and will always tell it like it is.
“Well, Chlo,” I said, getting up off the bed. “I should probably leave you to study. I’ll see you at the dinner, huh?”
She nodded her head, but said nothing. I did see tears coming to those owl-eyes of hers, and I felt awful. She hung her head and pretended to study, but I knew better. I wanted to go back to sit on the bed with her, but I didn’t think that it would do any good. So, I just left her alone and crossed my fingers that she was going to be okay.
I started to go downstairs, but I heard mom and dad talking, and I really wanted to know what they were talking about. Dad looked shocked when he was in the doctor’s office, but, at the ice cream shop, he was kinda back to dad. I wanted to know what he was really thinking. It was easy to know what mom was thinking – by the looks of things, it seemed that she was thinking that I was going to die. But dad…it was hard to know.
“We’re just going to do everything we can, and not think that this is going to end up like Michelle,” dad was saying. “Please stop crying. We have to get through this, and we can’t be freaking Addison out. She wants us to be normal, and you crying all the time isn’t going to accomplish that.”
“I can’t help it,” mom was saying between sobs. “What if we lose her? She’s my baby. I can’t watch her suffer.”
“Who said anything about watching her suffer? She’s a fighter. She’s going to get through this.”
“How can you say that? You don’t know that for sure. Look at Michelle. She suffered, didn’t she? And then she died.”
“Scotty, we can’t get ahead of ourselves. We haven’t even had a biopsy yet. All we know is that Addy has a malignant tumor on her knee. That’s all we know. Maybe it’s localized. Maybe the doctor can cut it out completely, and then it’s only a matter of reconstruction around where the tumor was removed.”
Then dad’s voice got very soft. “I know, I know. You want me to acknowledge how you’re feeling. You’re scared. I am too. But we can’t let on about that. The one thing that I learned when Michelle got sick was that attitude plays a big part in whether a person can get well or not. Addy’s attitude isn’t going to be positive if all she sees are her parents scared and crying all the time. So, please, Scotty. I know it’s hard, but try to smile. Try to be just the way you were before Addy found out about what was going on with her. And call Jack. Get him over here. That will help you more than anything else.”
I rubbed my hands together. It sounded like Uncle Jack would be coming over soon, and I looked forward to that. He was just the coolest guy around, and so was Zane, his hubby.
Mom nodded her head and handed the phone to dad. “Could you call him? I just think that I’m going to fall apart.”
At that, dad got on the phone and called Jack. I heard him say “see you in a few,” which meant that Jack would soon be at our door. He only lived four houses down, so I anticipated seeing him in just a few minutes.
I quietly creeped back up the stairs and went into my room.
And, for the first time, it really hit me. I was sick. I was very sick.
And I might die.
Eight
Scotty
Jack showed up a few minute
s after Nick called him, and I went over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I had been crying ever since I found out about Addy, but when Jack showed up, I really lost it. I don’t think that I had ever cried that much at one time. Not when Mr. Lucas was doing terrible things to me, and not when my mom was a raging alcoholic. I had never actually experienced the kind of loss that rips out your soul and makes you question everything about your very existence. Nick had experienced that kind of loss, twice, and it almost killed him. Was I going to be the same? Was I going to be a shell of myself if I lost Addison?
One thing was for sure, Jack was going to do his level best to make sure that I kept it together. Nick was also going to help me try to keep it together, so, between the two men, both of whom were as important to me as breathing, hopefully I would be able to get through this ordeal without completely losing my mind.
“Scotch,” Jack said softly. “What’s going on?”
I just shook my head, unable to speak.
Nick stepped up. “Addison has bone cancer,” he said. “The doctor found a malignant tumor on her knee.”
“Oh my God.” Jack held me a little tighter. “I was going to bring over a bottle of tequila, but I think that this is bigger than that.”
“Yeah. Just a little,” Nick said.
“How are you?” Jack asked Nick.
“Hanging in there. I refuse to freak out until I know exactly what’s going on. I’ve done a little bit of research since I got home here, and Addy might be just fine. Or, if the cancer is really aggressive and serious, she can go into a clinical trial. There are other ways of treating her cancer, not just with chemo, radiation and surgery. I'm just going to have to do as much research as possible, so that Scotty and I can make an informed choice. In the meantime, I’m also going to contact another doctor, our regular doctor, to get a referral for a second opinion. I won’t just rest on my laurels here.”
“Let’s sit down,” Jack said, leading me over to my couch. “Okay, now, Scotty, tell me what’s on your mind here. I mean, I know that you’re really freaking out. I get that. But Nick is right. You guys don’t know anything just yet, do you? Maybe you can take a deep breath and freak out when there’s really reason to freak out.”
Jack and I sat on the couch, and Nick brought out a cool rag. I put the rag on my face, and I looked in the mirror that was across the room. I looked blotchy and my eyes were completely red and bloodshot. I could barely recognize myself.
Jack looked at Nick. “Listen, Nick, I know that things aren’t easy for you. I want you to know what you can fall apart, too. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces for both of you.”
“I’m going to be okay,” Nick said, but I knew differently. Nick was always good at hiding what he was truly feeling. My therapist told me that Nick was the type who stuffed his feelings down, so that he not only seemed like he didn’t get upset about things, but he actually didn’t get that upset. I knew, however, that, deep down, Nick was as sensitive as anybody. He might not cry, but I could always tell when things were affecting him. Right at that moment, as I looked into his blue eyes, I could see that he was feeling awful about the whole situation.
“Okay, Scotty, now tell me what you’re feeling.” Jack was always good at getting me to verbalized my emotions, and he was always good at handling them. It was a skill that he had that Nick didn’t always possess, so I was always grateful to have Jack in my life.
“Jack, I feel helpless. Like when I was a little girl and my mom was drinking so much. Like that. I remember how I desperately wanted her to change. I needed to affect something around me in some small way, and I just couldn’t. And then when Mr. Lucas was doing what he was doing, I was helpless again. And now….” I shook my head. “Now there’s something out there, something that I can’t really do anything about. I wish that I could trade places with her. I want so desperately to be able to take away all the pain and fear that she’s going to face, and take it on myself. Take it all.”
I felt better already talking to Jack. My blood pressure was decreasing and I no longer felt like I was about to burst into tears. I was able to tell him about my greatest fears, and that was something that I was desperate to do.
“Scotty, I know that you feel helpless. So maybe you need to be proactive,” Jack said.
“I am, of course. I’m going to be involved with her treatment 100%. I'll be doing all the research for it too. But let’s face it – there’s only so much I can do. That’s the problem. I don’t know what the outcome is going to be, and I can’t make sure that she’s safe and is going to come out of this.”
Nick came over and sat on the other side of me on the couch. He put his arm around me, and Jack was holding one of my hands. I put my head on Nick’s shoulder and I breathed in his scent. I realized how lucky I was to have Nick and Jack right there on my side. I knew that there were plenty of women who went through what I was about to without anybody being there. And Addy was lucky, too, in a way. She had access to the best doctors. She had so many people by her side.
But was she going to come out of it? Would she lose her leg? Was she going to be able to have a normal life? Olivia, for all her hard partying, also was quite athletic. She ran half marathons and was part of a bicycle group that biked all over New York City every Saturday morning. Would Addy be able to do the same when she got a little older? Could she even stay on the soccer team? Was she going to have to miss a lot of school? Would she end up getting behind so that she couldn’t graduate on time?
Was she going to die?
So many questions were tormenting my mind. I tried to tamp most of them down, but that didn’t work. I shook my head. “I can’t just sit here. I feel like I’m about to lose my mind.”
I got up and went into the kitchen. Why I was there, I didn’t necessarily know. All that I knew was that I was feeling like I couldn’t breathe, and I just had to get out of that living room. But I did think that maybe it was hospitable to offer Jack something to eat and drink, so I got out a bottle of wine and three glasses, along with some cookies that I made for Olivia as a “thank you” for watching her two sisters. With a sigh, I took them out to the living room and set them down on the coffee table. “Here, Jack, these are your favorites, I know. Chocolate chip macadamia. I made them myself.”
Jack smiled and put his hand on my knee. “Doll, you don’t have to feed me. Although you’re right - I do love these cookies. Not that I need them. You know I have to fit into my costume.” Jack was the playing the lead in a Broadway musical that was getting incredible reviews.
“Don’t be silly, you look great,” I told him. That was Jack, though – he was always so concerned that he was getting fat, although he had never been anything but in shape and slim since I had known him. “But if you don’t want one…”
“Give me those cookies,” he said, putting one into his mouth. “These cookies are like crack.”
“That they are,” Nick said, taking a cookie and breaking it in two. He gave me half of the cookie and ate the other half.
Ironically, I didn’t feel like eating the cookie myself. That worried me, because I also didn’t feel like eating the ice cream previously. That was a sure sign that I was under a lot of stress, when I stopped eating. Still, I politely put the half cookie in my mouth and ate it. It was delicious as it ever was – how could a cookie with chocolate chunks and Macadamia nuts be bad? – but I found myself barely being able to tolerate it.
We ate our cookies and drank our wine, me forcing down both of these things, while none of us knew what to say to the other. I finally decided just to address Nick and see where his head was at.
“Nick, now I know that your sister…she um…she um…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I felt like if I said it out loud that Addison’s fate would be the same. She would end up just like Michelle – desperately trying everything possible, only to find that it was all futile in the end.
“She died.” Nick didn’t have problems saying it, although I knew that h
e was still devastated by it. “Yes, she did. But it was a different thing. She had a very rare type of uterine cancer, and, by the time she went to the doctor about her symptoms, it had already spread. Now, I’m not going to say that it’s not the same thing here. For all we know, Addison’s cancer might have already spread as well. But I’m not going to go there just yet. For now, let’s just assume that Addison’s cancer is curable.”
“But Nick…” I didn’t want him to be naïve about this whole situation. I knew that he really wasn’t, but I needed to talk about my fears.
“No. We’re not going to have this conversation until we know more. Until we get the biopsy back and the doctor can tell us the extent of the disease in Addison’s body. If we get the tests back and it turns out that the cancer has spread, then we can talk about all the clinical trials and other procedures that we’re going to have to face with her. But we’re not going to compare this to Michelle. That would be us looking only at the worst-case scenario, and I simply don’t want to do that.”
I looked over at Jack, who shrugged his shoulders. “You heard your man. We’re not going to go to the worst-case right now or hopefully ever. You have to stop thinking that everything is doom and gloom, Scotch. I know you have a problem with positive thinking after what you went through in your life, but I think you need to try not to be so negative right now.”
“I want to be prepared.” I couldn’t believe that the two men in my life were trying to stifle my voice, right when I needed desperately to be heard. “I can’t go in thinking that it’s all going to be fine, because what if it isn’t? Then what? What if I lose her? I don’t want to be blindsided. That would be the worst.”
Nick started to show his impatience. “What good does it do to talk about our daughter dying? Right now, it doesn’t do any goddamn good at all. All that morbid talk does is make everyone depressed. We don’t need that right now, Scotty. All we need are solutions and action. We don’t need downer talk.”
