by Annie Jocoby
I smiled. Tisha always did make feel better. “Really? You think that I’m that hot, do you?”
“Of course. If I swung that way, which I don’t, and you don’t either, but I’d do you. Leg or no leg.”
We chatted for several more hours, with me feeling better about my prospects. My “leg” was still on fire, and the pain was unbearable, but laughing with Tisha made me feel just a little bit better.
And I wanted to spend some time with Uncle Jack, without having mom around. So I called him and asked him to come, and to tell mom and dad to come and visit me later. I really enjoyed his company, too, and I always did. I knew, though, if he came with mom in tow, that I’d never get to actually talk to him, because mom would do all the talking.
Jack showed up with a big teddy bear in his arms. “I know that you’re not a little girl anymore, but I saw this and thought of you anyhow. So here you go.”
He handed me the bear, and I smiled at him. “Aw, thanks,Uncle Jack. And thanks for coming to see me.”
“Anytime, little sprout. Anytime.” He patted my left leg. “So, tell me how I’m supposed to talk to you. You want me to be my normal self, or are you like really sensitive about certain issues?” He crossed his own legs daintily and put his hand on his chin and looked at me. He was dressed up in a blue satin suit that looked like it was a tuxedo, to my surprise.
“Jack, are you going somewhere tonight?”
Jack waved his hand at me dismissively. “Some kind of awards show, being with the muckety-mucks, you know how it is.” He rolled his eyes. “Rubber chicken and limp asparagus. Why they don’t get Gordon Ramsey to cater one of these things, I don’t know. I guess it’s because he’s like a million years old, but still. He’s still legendary, isn’t he?”
“Aw, Jack, you have to be at an awards ceremony and you stopped here first? You didn’t have to do that. You could’ve come tomorrow or something.”
“Don’t be silly. You called, I came. I figured it was important. Now, answer my earlier question.”
“Well, you can talk about my missing leg, if that’s what you mean.”
He lowered his eyes and raised his right eyebrow. “How are you feeling? I mean, that’s a stupid question, but I need to know. Anything you tell me I won’t tell your mom, pinky swear.”
“I don’t know. I mean, I got this pain where my limb used to be. I think that the doctor calls it phantom limb syndrome, where it feels like that limb is still there and it feels like it’s just on fire. And I’m not at all looking forward to rehab. I have to learn to walk all over again. It might take months to figure out how to walk right with my fake leg, when they get around to fitting it for me.”
Jack nodded his head. “Okay, but you’re not telling me anything. How are you feeling emotionally?”
I shrugged my shoulders, and, to my surprise, I started to cry. Jack put his arm around me and put my head on his shoulder.
“I guess that answers your question,” I said to him. “I’m not doing so great. But, then again, it’s kinda a shock that it happened the way that it did. I’m really sorry for being rude yesterday and throwing you out with everyone else. I mean, I shouldn’t have thrown anybody out, but you least of all.”
“We understood. We really did. You were feeling shitty and you wanted to talk to the doctor, and that was that. Listen, you can call me and talk to me anytime. I hope that you know that. I might not know what it’s like to have a missing limb, but I do know what it’s like to be different. To feel different. Remember, I grew up during a time when it wasn’t so great to be gay and fabulous. And look at me now.” He smiled, showing his perfect teeth.
“Do you think people are going to be weird around me?”
“They might be,” Jack said. “But everyone will get used to it. And to you. And I know you. You’re strong and you’re a fighter. You’ll kick their ass with your good leg, and that will be that.”
I had to laugh at that one. Kick their ass with my good leg. “Thanks for coming to see me, Jack. I really needed your straight talk. I’m feeling kinda insecure about all of this, but you and Tisha seem to think it’s going to be okay. I hope that you guys are right.”
“Well, there’s not much I can do about that pain you have in your phantom limb. But, as I said, if you ever need to talk to me about feeling like the other, than I’m the guy for you. I’ve seen it all, and I could tell you stories about it all. There’s lots of people just like you out in the world, and they live normal, healthy lives.”
Jack hung out for about a half hour more before he had to leave for his ceremony. “Well, I gots to go.”
“You do. Where are you going, anyhow? What ceremony?”
Jack shrugged. “The Tony Awards. I’m up for something.”
I laughed. “Oh my god. You didn’t tell me that you were going to the biggest ceremony there is. How come mom never told me you were up for something?”
Jack laughed and put his hand on my shoulder. “Oh, did I mean I was up for something? I meant up to something. I’m going to be a presenter, that’s all.” He winked. “Next year, though, I’ll be up for something. Maybe win. I hope so. That’s definitely on my bucket list.”
I smiled. “Aren’t you a bit young for a bucket list?”
“You never know when you’ll be hit by a bus.”
I had to laugh at Jack using my exact logic for everyone making a bucket list. “True that. Well, I hope to see you around more often. I’ll need all the support I can get.”
“You can count on me, of course, love.” He kissed me on the forehead. “Well, I really gotta go. God knows they won’t be able to present the award for best lighting design without me. By the way, how do I look? I’m going for retro yet sexy.” He opened his mouth like he was roaring, and scratched the air with his hand, like he was a lion batting his prey. That gesture always made me laugh.
“Well, you certainly succeeded. Retro yet sexy is exactly how I would say that you look. By the way, a blue tuxedo….” I nodded my head and made the thumbs up sign. “Totally aces.” He really did look nice in it. It was a midnight blue, so you could barely tell that it wasn’t a regular black tux unless you got up really close. I figured that the audience would think that his tux was slightly different, but not really know exactly why.
Jack laughed. “Well, toodles, little one. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Jack left, and I called mom.
“Honey,” she said, picking up. “I’ve been waiting for your phone call. Can dad and I come on up?”
“Sure, come on up.” Then I immediately changed my mind. “Actually, could you come tomorrow? I’m pretty tired.”
“Sure, whatever you want.”
I got off the phone and turned on the television. This was the first moment that I had to myself, and I really let it sink in. This was my life. Limbless.
And the tears came and wouldn’t stop.
Twenty
Nick
After all of us left the hospital, Ryan and Iris and Scotty and me ended up at a restaurant. That was one of my favorite things to do in New York, and I really needed something to cheer me up. Scotty was giving me dirty looks, and I knew that she was still very upset with me, and, frankly, I needed a buffer between us for at least a little bit. I was looking forward to spending time with my oldest, and best, friend anyhow.
“I need a scotch as big as my head,” I said, feeling cognizant that I was a bit of a hypocrite, considering how much I got on Scotty for drinking too much. But I didn’t care at that moment. I just needed a drink.
We all took a seat at the bar as we waited for our table. Iris and Scotty went to the other end of the bar, and Ryan and I sat next to each other, both of us nursing a neat scotch.
“So, how are you holding up? And why didn’t you call me earlier?” Ryan asked me.
“Buddy, you wouldn’t believe how fast this all turned around. I mean, it was like lightning fast. It wasn’t even a couple of weeks ago that Addy told me
that she had a pain in her knee, and that was after she saw a doctor about it. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me earlier.”
Ryan nodded his head. “I see. Well, I’ve been busy, that’s for sure, but when your daughter has cancer, I should know about it. But I understand where you’re coming from. I’d imagine this time has been pretty stressful.”
“Yeah. You might say that.” I looked over at Scotty, who was busy talking to Iris while they each appeared to nurse a glass of wine. “Scotty isn’t happy with me, I’ll tell you that much.”
Ryan furled his eyebrows. “Why not? What did you do?”
“I left. I left when we got to the hospital because I was feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I went to the beach to try to calm down, and all I could think about was Michelle. So, I missed the doctor telling Scotty that the leg was going to be amputated. She had to make that call on her own.” I shook my head and took a swig of scotch. “I hope that she can forgive me for that. That was really stupid of me, to say the very least.”
Ryan looked sad as he contemplated his own scotch. “Michelle. Did I ever tell you that I had a crush on her?”
I laughed. “Yes, you mentioned that once or twice.”
Ryan laughed too. “Well, she certainly was a looker. And so sweet.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I know that you still miss her. But it seems like Addison is going to recover, so don’t let Michelle’s memory scare you too much.”
“Addison’s going to recover. Yes, she is, but how is she going to be? Will she ever really recover? She’s my little girl, and…” I shook my head. “I don’t know, buddy. I don’t really know how to help her.”
“You know how to help her. Be her dad. Be her sounding board. Be there for all of her doctor’s appointments and rehab sessions, as many as you can, anyhow. And try to be normal. You’ve always been good at that - being normal under rather extraordinary circumstances. Look at how much you helped me when I was down and out.”
“How did I help you? I mean, aside from chaining you to that bed to try to keep you from doing drugs that one weekend. That was the stupidest thing that I ever could have done, but I was at the end of my rope.”
I was referring to the weekend in college when I had had enough of Ryan’s drug binging and took it upon myself to keep him away from it for the weekend. I thought, naively, that if Ryan couldn’t have his stuff for a couple of days, he would go through detox and not want it anymore. I was wrong, of course, and, looking back, I knew that I was totally stupid for going about it in that way. I could have killed him, making him go cold turkey from heroin like that.
“Well, that wasn’t the greatest thing to do,” Ryan said, “but that was a long time ago. You were what, 20 when you did that? You’ve learned a lot about how to treat people who are in pain since then. You’ll do fine with Addison, I promise.”
“I hope you’re right.” I took a sip of my drink and motioned the bartender for another one. “So, how are things with you and Iris and Dalilah and everyone?”
“Everyone’s doing amazing. There’s really not much to report. Dalilah is happier than I’ve ever seen her. She got a good one with Luke, and young Olivia is so gorgeous.”
Delilah’s child was also named Olivia, as the little girl was named after Luke’s mother, who was killed many years earlier by a mass shooter at McDonald’s.
“So, back to Scotty and what I did, leaving like that. How can I make that right?”
“Time. That’s all that really makes something like that right. Scotty’s going to be going through a lot. As a woman, she’s going to be more sensitive to the possible teasing that Addison’s going to go through. Not to sound sexist or anything. So, I guess what I’m saying is, things might be rough at first. They might be. But Scotty will come around. you just have to give her time and space.”
Ryan raised his eyebrows and took another sip of his own scotch. “You know all the crap that Iris and I went through. The only thing that really healed any of it was time.”
I shook my head. “Patience has never been my strong suit, but I know what you’re saying. Scotty might actually hate me at first. She might. I’m going to do all I can, though, to show that I’m on her side.”
Our name was finally called and all of us sat down to eat. Scotty was frosty, to say the very least. She apparently had had some time to think about everything, and she decided that she was pissed at me again. That much was clear. Iris kept shooting me dirty looks, so I could imagine what Scotty told her.
Scotty announced that she was going to the restroom and told Iris to order for her. When she got up, I immediately decided to grill Iris.
“What did she tell you down there at the other end of the bar?”
“Just that you left her when she needed you the most. How could you do that, Nick? I mean, seriously?”
Ryan put his arm around Iris and put his hand on her chin. “Beautiful, don’t go there. There’s two sides to every story, and unless you’re in Nick’s shoes, you wouldn’t understand.”
She rolled her eyes. “And you do understand?”
“Yes. I was there when Nick lost his sister. Literally. I saw how much his family went through. How much they almost fell apart. Nick was going through a flashback when he was in the hospital and he needed some time to think. Maybe it wasn’t the best judgment in the world, but he’s human. So I suggest you lay off of things that you don’t know anything about.”
She sighed. “I guess.” Then she looked at me. “I don’t want to be in the middle of all this, so I’m sorry for taking sides. Anyhow, let’s just have a good meal and not think about all of this for once. When are you and Scotty going back to the hospital?”
“Tomorrow, of course. Scotty’s taking off work for a little while so that she can be with Addison more. But I’m going to be cutting my own work hours short so that I can help with the rehab too. It’s going to take a village to get Addison back to where she needs to be in order to live a normal life.”
“Good for you, cutting work short. I know how tough that is for you. Don’t you have a lot of important projects coming up?”
“Yes, but I cancelled my trip to Rome. I was supposed to leave next month, and be there for a month or more. I’m sending one of the other partners in my place.”
Iris nodded her head. “And that’s what you should do. That’s smart, Nick.”
“I guess.” I looked around, trying to find Scotty. “She’s taking a long time. Maybe you should go and track her down.”
“Good idea.” At that, Iris got up and went to the restroom.
In five minutes, Scotty and Iris were back, and the waiter was around, wanting to take our orders. We all ordered and I put my arm around Scotty. She stiffened and didn’t look my way, so I got the hint and took my arm off of her.
It was going to be a long recovery for Addison.
It might be an even longer recovery for Scotty and me.
In the car after dinner, I tried to talk to Scotty. “Scotty, I know that you’re pissed at me. I know that you are. But we have to come together in this. Addison needs us as a united front. She doesn’t need us to be fractured.”
Scotty said nothing, but just twirled her blonde hair around her finger while she looked out the window of the car. She eventually turned to face me, and she had tears in her eyes.
I sighed. “You aren’t going to talk to me, are you? Don’t do this to me, Scotty. Don’t be shitty like this. We’ve gone through too much in our lives together for you to shut me out. I made a mistake. A big mistake. But don’t ever think that what happened to Addison is your fault. It’s not. It’s nobody’s fault. It is what it is. If you want to blame somebody, blame fate. Blame genetics. I don’t know, but don’t blame yourself.”
She sighed and still continued to look out the window. I knew what she was doing. Scotty was the master at being passive-aggressive. I had been given the silent treatment more than once during our long marriage, and I generally knew that it was going to blow over. As this w
as.
Wasn’t it?
I decided that I needed to continue to talk to her, even if she wasn’t talking to me. “Listen, Scotty, I know that you sometimes think that I’m not on your side. Why you still think that, I don’t know. But I’m on your side, and I always will be. I love you, and I love our family. I love the life that we made together. You might be angry with me, and you might shut me out, but you can never get rid of me. You’re a part of me, and I’m a part of you, and that’s just how it is and how it always will be. So, yeah, go ahead and give me the old silent treatment. I can take it. I’ll still be here whenever you decide that you want to come back to me.”
For one second, it seemed like she was almost ready to tear down her walls and give me what I needed, which was her attention. I thought that she was actually going to offer me her hand, but she didn’t.
I sighed. Ryan was right. I was going to have to give her time. As much as I hated to just hang back and have patience, I knew that patience was the only thing that was needed here.
So patience was exactly what I was going to have.
Twenty-One
Scotty - Two Weeks Later
I couldn’t get past my guilty feelings about Addison. Did I do the right thing? The doctor said that it was necessary, but was it? Nick wasn’t around to help me with it, and I resented him for this. That was a decision that should have been made by both of us. I understood, in a way, his need to get away from the hospital. He had explained to me that he was freaking out because he was experiencing flashbacks about his sister and he just couldn’t hang around the hospital because he was feeling like he was suffocating.
I understood, yet I still felt that was a selfish decision.
So things were cool between us at home. I had a tendency to shut him out, anyhow, and run away whenever I felt that I couldn’t handle things. And I found myself, more and more, doing that with him. I didn’t want to. I needed him and loved him, more than I ever thought that I could. But that one decision that he made – to go to the beach instead of waiting with me – was something that I couldn’t quite forgive. Addison had no idea that went down. I never told her. I probably never would. I didn’t want her to hate her dad.
