"We tried safe wording at first, like he had a manual or something of things to do, but I never needed the safe word until he seemed to throw away the manual and my safe word with it. I like the idea of a safe word if we were going off the grid, so to speak, but it is just a word if there is no expectation of safety. What good is it if there is no response to the use of it? It is kind of like 911 with no operator."
Taking a breath, she leaned back into Ciarán and inhaled his masculine scent of pine, cut wood, sweat, and a bit of spice to bring her back into control. He let her take whatever time she needed to work through this. He smiled at her deep breaths. Katie had often told him that his scent comforted her. Ciarán said not a word but he did know something about this type of person from hanging out with his older brother, Quinlan. Quinn had particular, tastes that he did not advertise. Ciarán learned a lot about leadership, protection, and loving from Quinlan and how to weed out the power junkies as well as how not to become one. This Stuart sounded like one with no experience. He knew that to be a bad, dangerously bad, combination.
"I didn't get aroused and really it wasn't me that aroused him; it was the act of controlling me. While I get it better now, that can be a rush for both the man and woman he exerts control over, the responsibility of the controller is to make sure the follower wants to follow, he makes it good for her. There was nothing safe about it. When he was out of control, it was certainly not a sane experience and I would never have consented to that type of a relationship. "
Checking her husband for TMI, he seemed to be all right for the moment, but she decided to ask him. She felt so much courage in his arms. She did not think she would have been able to disclose easily if he were sitting next to her on the sofa or was in another chair.
"Are you still okay with me talking about this? I mean, it isn't easy but truly not as hard as I thought it would be."
"Don't worry about me. I can handle it. I don't like it but I'll deal with it. Just do not leave anything out this time. Promise me?"
"I promise. When we get busy, it is just play not real, you know. Or when you are trying to get me to let go or something but still, if I really said no, you would stop." She looked at her husband. "If we were to play a bit more adventuresome, and we used a safe word, you would listen." Katie laughed. "You would probably say it for me if you thought it needed to be said and then paddle me for not saying it."
Ciarán took a deep breath and let it out. "I am okay with what you are saying. I have already had time to work through some of my worst feelings. I will work through this with you after you are done with your story. You are right. If you did not say your word or let me know you were in distress, I would wear your butt out." He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Go ahead, lomhara."
Katie giggled a bit. "That is what Liam said to me to get me to listen to him. Oh, Ciarán, he was so good and tried to be just like you in the mall. Wait, I'm not there yet."
Katie stopped to organize her thoughts. "Okay, so the final day, Stuart had tried to get increasingly more demanding and cruel in the, um, bedroom and everywhere else. I mean he was trying to control everything and he was making demands on me that I simply was not comfortable doing. The problem was he had already separated me from most of my close friends, so I had no one to confide in." The only indication that Ciarán was disturbed was when he pulled her back into him tighter.
"The last straw for me was when he liquored me up. He bound my hands and feet to the bed. He also gagged me, hit me with something like a cat of nine tails until I was screaming. Problem was he gagged me so no one heard me. There was no way to use my safe word even if he was going to hear it. He brutalized me. I knew I was going to need help getting away from him because I must have passed out and he left me there, at least he untied me, but I found a list of what was required of me for the next day on my desk. I tried to get away from him after that incident but he would not leave me alone."
Katie stopped to gather her thoughts and to regain her control, irritated she was not able to stop some tears from spilling over. Her breathing was taking on a life of its own. Ciarán reached over and wiped her tears with his thumb, kissing her cheeks, nuzzling her neck and trying to replace some of those scary thoughts with better ones. When he saw that she was not calming down and her breathing was becoming more erratic, he also saw her fear and panic move in.
"Damn. Listen, Katherine." Using his best husband voice, he moved to place his lips almost on hers. "Eyes on me, listen to my voice, mo chroí. Breathe with me, breathe in, hold it, no… hold it, and breathe out. Again. Breathe in, hold it, breathe out." After a few more verbally directed repetitions, Ciarán stopped and just breathed with her, almost lip to lip until she calmed down, her frantic look was gone and she sighed in relief, breaking her visual grip on his eyes.
Ciarán had been trying to keep his reactions under control, at least on the surface, to allow Katie her own pace and manner in which to talk, but a little interlude in the story for both of them would relax them and allow them to get to the end of the recounting, intact. He could see she was having an exceptionally difficult time finishing out her story now that it had gotten dicey. He did not want to initiate another escalating panic attack. He reached over to kiss her cheek again then he grabbed onto her waist and securely drew her into a deep cuddle with no resistance.
"Mmm, warm, secure, protected, this is what being with your man is all about," whispered Katie.
Ciarán let her stay in her cocoon until she brought herself out of it.
"I had better finish this before I lose my nerve. And because soon I am going to need something else." She looked over at her man in a hopeful way.
Ciarán laughed. "Sassy minx. I'll take care of your needs after this, as I see them, if you still need it. I will never turn down the opportunity to cuddle up with you, sleeping or otherwise engaged. Now, if you feel calm enough, please go on with your story for I have plans for you both in the bedroom and outside of it." Ciarán's tone changed just enough to acknowledge that this was serious. It needed to be addressed. He fell silent to encourage her further disclosure.
Nodding her head, taking a cleansing breath, she started again. "Finally, I was able to get help through the counselor, and because he was not going to classes, they dropped him from the rolls that semester so he had to leave the campus. Until today, I never saw him again. The counselor had me change my phone number the same day I came to her. I moved to another building and my car was garaged. I finished the last two months of class, and transfered into the nursing school on the other side of the state. Then I came here and you know the rest of that story."
"So, tell me about today. What happened today?"
"I was buying a, um, something for you, and he came up behind me. I was so shocked all the old fears rushed over me. I was able to keep it together to finish my purchase but I already felt dirty, used. I looked for you but I knew you wouldn't be there. It was as though I was lost."
"Sweetheart, you looked for me because I protect you, you trust me, even if you don't know it. That makes me feel good that you did that."
Nodding, smiling, Katie continued, "Stuart would not leave after I said some, 'nice to see you, see you later', stuff." Katie stiffened, going back to the time she had with Stuart today and the fear that surrounded her.
"I don't remember much after that. I remember being scared, hearing his voice and then Jocelyn's."
Ciarán swore several times before he reined himself in for the umpteenth time and said, "And then what, mo muirnín?"
"Then something Liam said, I think it was gaelic. 'Now, Anois' I think. Anyway it broke through and I jerked my arm away and flew to Liam who really was a breath away. I think he wanted to do this without much social disturbance, but I got the feeling that he was about to explode all over Stuart. Stuart would not have a chance of survival." Katie giggled again, releasing her pent-up fears.
Ciarán sat for a moment and then he said, "That is why, when I talked about spanking, you pa
nicked."
Katie nodded.
"And when I actually spanked you, you were waiting for much worse."
Again, she nodded.
"And when you found this group of take control men, who said they loved you but seemed to be in command mode all the time, you panicked."
"But then you loved so freely, and comforted always. You were tender and careful, and put boundaries on you and me. When you had strict guidelines you followed them too. It confused me. I still am confused some, but you take what he did in violation and make it exciting. I am excited."
"Katie, what that insignificant ass did to you was not anything like we do or will ever engage in; not that violence and disrespect you were subjected to. Tell me when it began not to be good for you because you said it was okay the first semester."
"Like I told you last summer, I thought what I would like was being restrained, but he never helped me become aroused, you know? Not like you. You play me like a harp. I am restrained without restraints and aroused before we start. You are so careful and are always checking to make sure I am enjoying things. That is so very different. You make sure I get turned on."
"What else?"
"Spanking or hitting me was never erotic, it just either left me cold or it just hurt. That was about the time that I figured out that it made him happy to hurt me. That was what aroused him."
Katie stopped when she felt and heard the deep untamed growl her husband was producing in response to her statement. It made her feel a thrill that he was so protective of her, in this situation anyway and it seemed to have a direct communication to her clit, causing her to become moist and her cheeks to pink up. Even in this horrible discussion. She wondered if that was normal, if she was normal.
She continued, "But you took me where I thought it could go. I just figured I read too many romance novels until you. You heated up my romantic side again and the romance novels that describe how it feels to get an erotic or fun spanking are talking from experience."
Ciarán laughed and shook his head. "Imp." He kissed her temple and nibbled her ear before encouraging her to continue.
"Control, what about control? Are you afraid?"
"A little, at first and still sometimes I want to wiggle out of them, but I know you and how you think and why you say what you say. You don't tell me to dress a certain way to go out in public. You don't tell me to act a certain way to control me it is the outcome you are trying to control." She smiled crookedly and shrugged. "You know what I am saying. Do things between us—for us, not for others to observe.
Her voice dropped to a whisper. "So, even if I get a nice medium comfort zone there will be no clubbing, okay; even if you like some exhibitionism. I think that is called a hard limit."
"Mo chroí, I have not intentions of walking into a club of that kind. None at all. So did you have a safe word?"
"Yep. Cricket." Her voice lowered before she continued. "He even laughed at that and said he didn't know if he would hear that word. I couldn't say it the one time I really needed to anyway so it didn't matter."
"Do we need to institute a safe word for you? I will hear cricket if you think I might be unresponsive to your desire to stop.'
"Maybe just in case I get scared but we have been married for months and we haven't had any problem. However, it might make me feel more in control."
"Remember, I am going to test your limits—slowly but test them anyway. You should keep it." Ciarán kissed the top of her head, waiting until she was relaxed again and stood up, putting her on the sofa seat next to him. "Now I need to get with the guys and figure out what we are going to do with all of this information and how we are going to keep you safe. There is going to be more discussion on this." From his standing position, he reached down and caged her chin in his hand before continuing. "Relinquishing your control is gaining power because I guarantee you that if you relinquish your control to me, I am going to spend all my time making you happy. Control is a cherished gift, mo ghrá that, if offered and received, becomes a sacred thing and it is treated that way."
"You sound like Jocelyn, sacred gifts and things." After another moment, she continued. "So, you mean if I give over control in things you want me to, then I can sit back and let you handle it, like in the bedroom. But what about during the day? Can you take on my decision making in the rest of the day?" Katie asked with an innocent air accompanied by a twinkle in her eye.
"Katherine." Ciarán was serious and dominant.
"Yes. See you just went all dom on me and I got a thrill, not a chill. I am not afraid of you, Kie."
"Good. I anticipate that that thrill will not be constant. We are going to be asking you to allow us more control over your life for a while and I expect you to not jump down everyone's throats when they exercise that authority understood?"
Katie signed dramatically.
"Katherine. Do. You. Understand?"
"Yes, but not too much control, okay?"
"My decision as to what is too much. Safety is first and foremost right now without compromise. For now, you do not go off this ranch without my express knowledge, understood?"
"Ciarán, I promise I'll watch and lock my doors, and…"
"Katie, that is the easy stuff. I can call in to work for you next week and you will stay home all week, better or worse?"
"Ugh. Fine. I won't go anywhere without letting someone know."
"No, not someone, me. You will let me know. Verbally. Not a message, not a note. I don't care if you preplanned it already or always do it; you won't unless you call and speak directly to me so that I can respond. Got it?"
"Yes, my lord and master, I understand." Katie turned to flounce out of the room.
She suddenly was in desperate need of a shower and found she was helped out of the room with a resounding smack on her butt. "Brat." She smiled; that was love.
The next week was exhausting as she had to call at each stop and before she left for the next house. Then she had to tell them her route and the names of the patients. Jocelyn would not come to her defense at all, and with Andrew and Caoimhe in this week, she felt she would have some support from one of the O'Connor sisters. It was not to be. Even her dad had been roped into the mix and he agreed with Ciarán, which she thought was wrong on so many levels. She could always count on him being on her side.
"I am on your side. Ciarán is the side that wants to keep you safe," her father said.
Finally, after two weeks of intense watching, the men got together and decided that they could let up some. Ciarán said she still needed to let him know where she was going and leave him a list of where her visits were for the day, but not call going in and coming out. Katie was so happy, she could have cried and hugged every one of those O'Connor men and ended kissing her husband's socks off. They laughed.
Normal life was so freeing, and with the summer slipping away and Haven House in the final inspection stage, she wanted to get away. Katie felt she needed to experience her favorite thinking and relaxing spot, Trapper's Lake. Labor Day was approaching and that was the holiday where all the family, every one of them, came to the ranch to finish everything for the winter and take some of the bounty home with them.
She knew Ciarán would try to help her at home, but this was a very busy time of the year. The O'Connor Kennels was doing well but still needed to be pampered as all new businesses did. There was the last round of calving. Then there was the trail guiding, the Forest Service runs, the stables to keep up with, ordering for winter stocks and finish haying for winter. The coordination was huge.
And for the women, there was the final canning, the last fall crops to nurture, herbs to finish drying, and the fishing was going to slow soon so they needed to be frozen, canned, or smoked. Not to mention, the hunting season would open soon for what the guys liked to hunt for, venison, elk, and moose. They had the buffalo that was shot by a poacher earlier in the summer all in a variety of cuts, preserves, and storing locations. The women would put up the food and the men woul
d finish the things they did, and the older men would fish and put that up. They would also help with the butchering of the game.
She took the week off starting next Monday. Today was Friday and she wanted to relax before everyone came tomorrow. She just needed a few hours of quiet to think. Talking to herself aloud, Katie said, "I will tell everyone I can find, where I am going, sort of." She finished her thoughts silently, so no one would hear. I won't say it to Ciarán exactly, but I will tell him I am going for a walk to the lake, just not which lake and hope he thinks it is the one Little Bear stream dumps into on the west side of the ranch.
Work done for the day, she assembled her pack, took her phone, fully charged and her GPS marker so they could find her in case she got hurt. Calling Jocelyn, Ciarán, and Liam, she set off. The call to Liam was the hardest because he asked too many probing questions. He seemed like he could read her even on the phone.
"What are you doing, mo beag amháin?"
How did he know she was doing something that was not entirely sanctioned in this den of protection? To refer to her as his little one meant he had the right to not only coddle but also direct. Not that he would take Ciarán's place if Ciarán was around, but this eldest brother seemed to live on radar a bat would be proud of owning.
"Nothing, just walking to the lake to think and to enjoy the quiet before everyone comes in on us tomorrow."
Liam chuckled. "I guess it is a lot for you to get used to. You are doing very well at it though. Okay, have a wonderful time but be back before dark—not at dark—before dark."
"Yes, Dad." Katie giggled, her relationship with Liam after that afternoon in the mall much more comfortable.
"You need a strong hand, brat. I need to talk to Ciarán about that."
She giggled again hearing an answering chuckle from Liam. She made it through the inquisition and off she went to her favored lake.
Rancher's Creed (Ciaran O'Connor Book 2) Page 17
