“Over the years, I’ve wanted to try to explain...but how do you explain the unexplainable?” She shrugged helplessly.
“You try.”
She winced at my cold tone. “It’s easier said than done.”
“Try,” I reiterated. “I know this is probably the last thing you want to be discussing before the big wedding but if you do anything for me, just for me, then please do this.”
Her eyes shone with emotion. “I guess I should start at the beginning, then. The truth is I had a shitty upbringing. We’ve never really talked about your grandparents because you’ve never really asked me anything, but you should know they weren’t loving parents. My dad slapped us around, and my mom would use me as a shield. Better me than her, she used to say.”
I stared at her, appalled, shocked and begrudgingly sympathetic. It was jarring to realize that all this time I’d had someone in my life who actually got what I’d gone through. Never could I have believed Hayley and I would have something like that in common.
“I never had grand dreams as a kid. I didn’t want to be a lawyer or a doctor. I just wanted to be out of that house, that’s all I wanted. And I don’t want sympathy, India, I don’t, not from you. I don’t deserve it. I just need you to know why I ran into your father’s arms at eighteen. At the time he was this escape and he loved me. No one had ever just loved me. I hadn’t ever heard someone say those words to me until your father did.”
I remembered how much he loved her. His love for her made me feel resentful because every punch, every kick, every time he starved me or punished me, was a reminder of his love for her and how that love had turned to the darkest kind of hurt.
Hayley flinched at whatever she saw on my face and looked down at her feet. “By the time I realized I didn’t love him back, I’d already had you. I stuck it out with him because I didn’t want you to have a broken family.” She laughed bitterly at the irony. “Oh God, kid, I messed up so bad. I stayed instead of taking you and getting out of there. I thought it was better to be loved by him than to be scared on my own. But over the years I started to think about all those things that everyone dreams about when they’re kids. I thought about what I wanted from my life, just for me, and I knew your dad would never let me have them because he loved me too much—if it meant splitting my focus from him, he’d never let me have it.”
She was telling the truth because I also remembered that. I hadn’t seen his behavior as possessive or controlling when I was a kid, but looking back he was that way with her. I remembered one night she came home from her part-time job at a supermarket. It was only months before she left. She’d brought leaflets home with her and had sat down with him to show them. She’d wanted to go to community college. My dad had gotten frustrated. I remember him shouting at her that they’d already talked about it and they couldn’t afford it. Hayley had argued with him until he screamed in her face and slammed out of the house. She’d cried in her room all night.
I’d been so scared they’d split up and I was angry at her for making him mad.
I was such a stupid kid.
Hayley’s expression was a mix of pleading and apologetic. “I’m ashamed to admit this, more than you’ll ever know, but I started to resent you. I looked at my beautiful kid and I resented you because I was stuck in another shitty situation but this time for you. I’d stayed with him for you. And I hated myself for blaming you. I hated myself so bad and I was scared that I would turn into my father and that I would hurt you.
“So I left.”
I stared at her, barely able to make her out for the tears clouding my vision. “And he hurt me instead.”
She nodded, her own tears finally breaking free. “When they came to tell me what had happened to you... I wanted to die, India. I wanted to die. I thought I’d left you for the better. I knew he was controlling but I never knew what he was capable of. You have to believe me. I left to protect you... If I had known what he would do...”
“Why?” My voice broke. “Why didn’t you tell me this long ago and save us from all this crap between us. I would have understood. Or I would have tried to understand.”
“You wouldn’t talk to me...” She shrugged helplessly. “You scared me because you were just so angry all the time. And honestly, I didn’t think you’d trust a word I said.”
The anger, the pain and the words I needed to express all that had lodged in a tight ball in my throat and I couldn’t get them out. I’d stopped counting how many times that ball had burned there, preventing me from letting the words go.
But I needed to let them go.
I finally needed to.
I forced the words out with everything I had.
“Do you know why I was so angry, Hayley?” I said, my voice hoarse. “Because I want to hate you. I want to hate you but I can’t. I love you. I love you more than I love anybody, and you hurt me more than anybody else. Even more than my father, because you left me. You left me.”
Hayley stared at me, pale, eyes wide at my confession.
And then her face crumpled under the weight of my words and a sob burst out of her. Hayley rushed at me, and I was in her arms before I could stop her.
I stood frozen. Uncertain. Afraid.
And then my fingers bit into her arms and it took me a moment to realize I was holding on instead of pushing her away.
CHAPTER 19
“I’M NOT GOING to start calling you ‘Mom,’” I said quietly.
Hayley sighed with her whole body, her shoulders brushing mine as they lifted. We sat next to each other on my bed and had been quiet for the past five minutes after our tearful confessions.
I felt strange. I felt vulnerable in a way I didn’t think a kid should feel with their parent. But I also felt something else. Something hopeful.
I was reminded of Eloise’s words to me not too long ago in the pool house.
“But most importantly I have hope, India. I have hope that someday, once I’m out of high school, things will change for me...”
Somehow along the way I’d stopped hoping for a lot of things. One of those was the reconciliation of my relationship with Hayley. It was too painful to hope for it, and honestly, I just couldn’t see it ever happening when it hurt too much.
Hearing her side of the story finally, however, helped. I guess my fear all along had been that she didn’t love me and that’s why she left, and that she’d been forced out of guilt to bring me back into her life. It was still bullshit that she left me, but maybe over time I could try to see it from her side.
Most importantly, though, I had hope that over time I would start to believe that she loved me.
Still, baby steps.
“I guess that’s fair,” she said. “I’m not expecting things to change miraculously overnight.”
I looked at her and she turned to me with a love I wanted to believe in in her eyes. “Things will change, though,” I said. “How could they not?”
Her lips trembled with renewed emotion. “Yeah?”
“One day at a time.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Thanks for telling Theo the truth.”
“He deserved to know. For him and for you.” Now I swore I saw wonder on her face. “He needs to know who he’s marrying, and I wanted him to know just how amazing you are.”
I thought about who I’d been only months ago while I was living in California. The truth was I wasn’t sure I was that girl anymore or if I’d ever be her again. It seemed true for Hayley, too. “He’s not marrying the woman that left me,” I said. “You’ve changed since you got here.”
“Maybe.” She nudged me. “For the better, right?”
“Well, except for the shopping, yeah.”
Hayley laughed and gripped my hand. “I’m going to get some sleep. You should, too.”
I nodded and followed her to my door. We were both surprised to find Finn and Elle down the hall, leaning against the wall waiting on us. We’d been in my room for at least an hour.
Hayley rolled her eyes. “Okay, guys, India is fine, but she needs some sleep. Finn, it’s time you got home, and, Eloise, Theo will be home soon. I’m sure you want to talk to him.”
Elle nodded and then looked at me.
“I’m fine.” Finn was staring at me like he wanted to steamroll Hayley to get to me. “Really.”
They left quietly, both shooting worried looks over their shoulders at me, and I disappeared back into my room because the truth was I was exhausted.
I thought I knew who I was but every little revelation, every little significant encounter...it seemed to change me infinitesimally. And if that were really true that meant that I’d never stop changing, and if that were true, then there was no guarantee of anything.
There was no safety in that, no power, no control—all the things I needed. And they would always be out of reach.
It was a terrifying realization.
My phone suddenly buzzed on my nightstand, and I rolled over to check who was calling. At the sight of Finn’s name I pushed through my exhaustion and fears to pick up.
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?”
“I... I guess so. I’m tired.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Tonight you needed me. I should have been able to hug you, comfort you, and I couldn’t because Hayley was there.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. You’re right. This is hard.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. There seemed to be no solution so I was stuffing the concern down deep inside in order to deal with all the other issues in my life.
Finn was quiet, and I wondered if he had guessed what was going on in my head regarding our relationship. If he did, he chose to ignore it. “I’m really proud of you. The way you handled tonight. It was a lot and you...well, you’re amazing.”
“Thank you. I don’t feel amazing.”
“How do you feel?”
“Are you driving?”
“Hands free. Now, how do you feel?”
I breathed deep, the sound causing static to crackle between us. “I’m scared, Finn.”
“What are you scared of?” came his gentle reply.
“Change.”
“Everything changes, India.”
“I know that. But there were things about me that I thought were fixed, you know. Now I don’t know who I am.”
“Yeah, you do. Things change us, things will always change us, but who you are, that thing inside you that determines your choices, controls your actions, your reactions, it’s still yours. If something bad happens it’s up to you how you let it change you—you either become more compassionate or you let it make you bitter. I already know how you’ve let the mess your parents made change you. I see it in the way you are with Elle, I see it at school in how you refuse to bully or be bullied, and I saw it in your bravery when you told me about your dad so I didn’t feel alone anymore. You’re strong. Stronger than you realize. That’s your safe place, India.”
Part of me was glad he wasn’t in the room to see the fresh tears scalding my cheeks as I heard the words—the only words—I needed to hear.
A bigger part of me hated that the most important conversation I’d ever had in my life was happening on the phone.
He understood me. He got me.
And I was beginning to think that there was no safer place than that.
I love you.
I closed my eyes, more tears squeezing out. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“No. Thank you.” He released a long sigh. “I wish I was there right now.”
“Me, too.”
After a few seconds of silence he sighed again. “I’ll let you go. Get some sleep.”
But I didn’t want to lose him so soon. Not after everything he’d just said. “Stay. Until you get home, stay.”
“I can do that.”
“Finn...” I felt the words bubbling up inside of me, desperate to say them now when I felt it more than ever, but I didn’t want to say it for the first time over the phone.
As I trailed off I heard him take a shuddering breath. “I know,” he whispered. “Me, too.”
CHAPTER 20
THE WEDDING AND its reception took place at a fancy country club just outside Cambridge. Hayley wore the dress that made her look like a starlet and Theo couldn’t take his eyes off her all day.
Many of the male guests were openly envious of their friend.
Many of the female guests were openly envious of the bride. I had to wonder how many of them actually saw her as a usurper and how many were genuinely willing to admit her into their fold. I knew Hayley had already made some friends but I guess I was worried for her and I could admit that now when I couldn’t before.
Right then it was better to worry about Hayley than to worry about Finn and me.
“This is supposed to be a happy day,” Eloise teased as she took in my dour expression.
“Are you happy?”
“My father is happy.” She shrugged. “And if he can forgive Hayley and, God, if you can forgive Hayley, then who am I not to?”
The last twenty-four hours had been emotionally draining, to say the least. Eloise did confront her father, and Hayley had not been lying—she had told him the truth. After he had a heart-to-heart with his daughter, Theo came to find me.
“I understand now,” he’d told me, his eyes filled with a compassion I was actually starting to believe in. “Hayley made a huge mistake, and I’m not ever going to tell you that you have to mend fences with her. What I can tell you is that I truly believe in her deep regrets, and I truly believe she loves you.”
“I’ll try...to mend fences. But I can’t promise anything.”
“India, it’s just amazing that you’ll try.” He had shifted closer to me. “I want to tell you something Hayley confessed to me even though she knew it could cost her...well, me.”
My heart thudded in my chest, but I nodded for him to go ahead.
“Your mother loves me, I know that, but she also chose me because she was...is...attempting to make amends with you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I can offer you opportunities you didn’t have before.”
Suddenly I’d remembered Hayley’s words to me when we first arrived in Weston.
“This is the best thing that will ever happen to us. I know you don’t believe me but Theo is a good man, and he can take care of us. No one can hurt us here.”
Understanding had dawned. “Your money.”
He’d looked uncomfortable but nodded. “That, among other things.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“I’m a father,” he’d said. “I would do anything to protect my daughter.”
“Is that what she’s doing...marrying you to protect me?”
“No and yes. It isn’t one or the other. It’s complicated.”
I’d frowned because as wonderful as it was to think my mother would make such a huge decision with my best interests in mind, I didn’t want to be the cause of someone else’s hurt. “I don’t want her using you for me.”
Theo had grinned. “I’m going to take that to mean that you’re warming up to me. However, you know your mother isn’t using me. She’s doing this for all of us. She loves me. I love her. She loves you.”
And so Elle and I had watched them get married in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know very well and two people I thought I knew better than anyone else in the room knew them.
Those two people were at th
e wedding as boyfriend and girlfriend, and I didn’t know if it was the giddiness of the happy couple but Finn and Elle were playing their own version of happy couple better than they ever had before.
As a groomsman, Finn had walked Eloise down the aisle, while some distant cousin of Elle’s walked me down the aisle. For the last few hours I’d watched my two best friends laugh and touch, and even kiss when prompted to for photos, while I felt further away than ever from them.
It was jarring considering how close I’d felt to Finn just a day before.
The truth was it wasn’t their fault. It was the situation. People who’d known them for years (and the damn photographer) forced them to play boyfriend and girlfriend. The fact that they were best friends just made it easy for them. They were coupled up, and there was no time for us to be our usual threesome.
I was out in the cold.
The toasts were over, dinner had been served and now people were either sitting around their tables chatting, mingling on the perimeter of the dance floor or actually dancing.
I was seated with my friends at our dinner table. The only one missing was Charlotte because Elle’s cousin had asked her to dance.
Since Gabe had done not one thing to fix things between him and Charlotte, the tension was still palpable between them. As she swayed in the college guy’s arms, Gabe glared so hard at them it was a wonder he didn’t set them on fire with the heat in his eyes.
“Okay, I’ve had enough,” he finally snapped, pushing his chair back and slapping his napkin against his plate.
We all stared up at him in confusion as he stared out at the dance floor with determination. It looked like he was just about to make a move when the music ended and Charlotte separated from her dance partner.
“Oh, screw it.” Gabe strode around the table toward her, her pretty eyes growing large as she stuttered to a stop at her chair.
“What the—”
“Char.” Gabe gripped her petite shoulders in his big hands and bent his head to hers. “Let’s cut the crap, okay.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Cut the crap?”
The Impossible Vastness of Us Page 24
