“Alanna, I can’t understand how you are so calm about this. If it were me I would be a mess.”
“I have to be ok with it. It happened and I have to accept it.”
“You are the bravest person I know!”
“Anyway Sophie have you heard anything from Adrian?”
“He still hasn’t showed up?”
“No, I am worried have you spoken to him?”
“Alanna, the last time I spoke to him was after your surgery.”
“What did he say? You have to tell me everything!”
“I will Alanna but not over the phone are you allowed visitors?”
“I think so my mom was here all day.”
“Okay I won’t be long.”
I hang up the phone and I wonder what Sophie has to say. She must know more than my mom if she did not then she would just have told me on the phone.
“Miss Hart your lunch,” a small older nurse says as she walks in with a tray of food. She slides over the table and I sit up fully in the bed. She hands me a tray of food consisting of soup and yogurt I look at her.
“This isn’t what I ordered!”
“Sorry dear but the doctor has ordered this for you. He feels that what you originally chose would have been too heavy for you with the pills you are on.” I roll my eyes a little. I am starving and this little bowl of soup and the tiniest yogurt I have ever seen are most definitely not going to fill me.
“Thanks, I guess,” she smiles at me and then she heads back out of the room. I sip at the bowl of soup that has no taste. I remember the wonderful meals that Maggie prepared for me and I think back to the first night that I ate with Adrian. The massive, elegant, silver trays that were filled with every kind of food. I remember his voice and the way his eyes glowed. The first time he kissed me was that night and it was like fireworks. I am brought out of my thoughts by a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I say thinking it must be Sophie. When the door opens it is not Sophie that I see, instead it is the doctor, the tall, dark and handsome doctor.
“Miss Hart, how are you feeling,” He walks over as he talks.
“I am ok,” I say, shifting back into the bed.
“Nurse Melissa told me that you made some good progress today.”
“Yes I walked if you can call that progress!”
“You have to understand that what you did today was exceptional. It takes most people a lot longer to even get out of bed after something like this,” he says and he moves a little closer to me.
“Miss Hart I haven’t introduced myself yet… I am James.” I am surprised that he has told me his first name. I think that it would be somewhat informal for me to call him by his first name. After all, he is my doctor and I feel that there should be a level of respect in that.
“Nice to meet you doctor,”
“Please call me James,” he says again.
“Ok if I call you James then you must call me Alanna!”
“No problem, Alanna!”
“Alanna, can I ask you something,” I am a little shocked at this guy but I am polite in my reply.
“Of course… what’s up?”
“When you get better and you are ready to leave hospital do you think that maybe we could go out sometime?” I am very shocked by his words. He is my doctor and it is strange that he feels this way. I do not know what to say back to him.
“I am really flattered but I have a boyfriend.”
“You do?” He says looking surprised.
“Yes I do,”
“Then where is he?” I sigh as I respond.
“I don’t know, I woke up to find out that he wasn’t around. But I still have to be faithful to him so I hope you can… understand.”
“I do, but do you think that he is being faithful to you?” I take in his words and I realize that I never thought of that. I never once stopped to think that maybe he has found someone else. Or even worse perhaps he has gone back to Zara Thomas. I shake off that feeling and I try to convince myself that he would not do that.
“I hate that he is not here but I don’t think that he would do anything like that.”
“I am sure he wouldn’t and he is probably pining away after you, right?”
“I hope so!” I say. I turn to face the door, as there is another knock and this time it is Sophie who is here.
“Is it ok to come in?” She says in a quiet voice. As soon as she does, Dr James walks over to the door and takes her by the hand in through the door. He smiles back at me and he is gone.
“Alanna,who was that,” Sophie says smiling from ear-to-ear.
“That’s my doctor,”
“Wow I wish he was my doctor! Oh Alanna, I am so glad to see you, I have been so worried.” She says as she walks over to me and gives me a very gentle hug.
“How did this happen, Alanna?” Sophie sounds as if she has suspicion in her voice. I look at her and I try to banish her doubts.
“It was just a random attack it was no one’s fault. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Sophie hugs me again so gently it is almost as if she is scared that I will break.
“Where is Belle?”
“My mom will be back later Sophie can you please tell me about Adrian?” Sophie takes a seat next to the bed and begins,
“Alanna, I don’t know where he is but I was the last person to talk to him before he left.”
“What did he say? You have to tell me everything,” I say desperately.
“He came to me before you got hurt, he was looking for you at college and I could see that he had much on his mind. I talked to him for a while and I did apologise for the way I had acted.”
“Okay but what else?”
“He had a ring and he was going to ask you to marry him,” my heart sinks at her words.
“I don’t understand if he was going to ask me to marry him then why is he not here?”
“Alanna, when you had to have emergency surgery, he couldn’t handle that. He was scared and he thought he was going to lose you. Alanna, he loves you so much but he blames himself for this.”
“That’s crazy it’s not his fault.”
“I know and I tried to make him see that but he wouldn’t. He broke down into tears and he looked like a broken man.”
“So did he just leave?”
“Yes he couldn’t stay until you were out of surgery it was too hard on him. So he left but he told me to tell you something, if you made it through.”
“What was it?”
“He said that you are his everything and he will never love another the way he loves you. A second will not go by when he does not think of you, but he also said that he could not be with you. He feels you would be better without him in your life.” I burst into tears, I cannot accept this and I will not.
“Alanna don’t cry,” Sophie says as he hugs me for the third time. I pull back from her.
“Sophie, have you tried to call him?”
“No I haven’t, I don’t know what I would say to him.”
“What about Michael have you seen him?”
“Yes I saw him when he was at this hospital what he did is beyond words!”
“I know and I will always be grateful to him.”
“Maybe he knows where Adrian is, have you tried to call him?”
“No not yet. I have feelings for Michael and I care about him a lot. He is a very good friend.”
“After everything that happened with him and Katharine, I tried not to like him. But after what he did for you, I don’t see how anyone could slate him.” Sophie says emotionally.
“He did treat Katharine bad and I am not going to deny that but that’s not who he is. He is a kind and caring person.”
“He loves you Alanna.” I look down at the bed so I do not have to look at Sophie.
“I know he does he told me many times!”
“Do you feel the same way about him?”
“No, I love Adrian but there is something about Michael that I can’t
explain. I know that I wouldn’t want to be apart from him.”
“Alanna,do you love both of them?”
“I love Adrian the most but I have a special bond with Michael that scares me,” as my words ring in my ears I feel guilty for being so selfish. A normal girl would have just chosen one, but me I want them both.
“I think that you need to talk to Michael he is the only other person that is going through what you are and he will understand you more than anyone” I know that Sophie is right I should talk to Michael it’s the least I could do after all he did save my life.
“Thanks Sophie,” I say.
“So Alanna tell me more about this hot doctor,” I laugh at her a little confused.
“What about Dan?” She sighs,
“I don’t want to bother you with my boy drama”
“What? Come on tell me what is going on?”
“Where do I start?” Sophie says quietly and I can see that she has sadness in her eyes as she begins to talk about Dan.
“We are on a break right now.”
“Why? You two were going strong what happened?”
“It was a mixture of things over the last couple of weeks we haven’t been spending anytime together. I think that I have literally talked to him twice in the past two weeks!”
“Have you grown apart?”
“Yes I don’t know if it’s me that changed or him but something is different and I don’t know what it is.”
“Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?”
“I don’t want to; I fear what he might say. I don’t know what he is thinking anymore and it scares me,” Sophie says and I can tell that she is hurting over this. Things have changed dramatically since I have been in here. I am no longer in contact with Adrian, Sophie and Dan’s relationship has gone to garbage, and I wonder what else has changed?
“Sophie, you and Dan are meant to be together. You have to work things out with him you can’t lose him.”
“I know that he is the most special guy that I have ever been with. But I don’t know if that is enough for me, Alanna.”
“What more do you want? He loves you and he treats you right. Sophie you don’t know how lucky you are.”
“Alanna, I know all this but something inside of me is saying that he is not enough!”
“What do you want?”
“I know this is going to sound really jealous, but Alanna I want what you have.” I gasp, as I never knew that she felt this way.
“Sophie that’s not how you should live your life and what do I have that’s so special?”
“Alanna, don’t make me laugh, you have the two most gorgeous guys I have ever seen fighting over you.”
“Trust me, that’s not a good thing!”
“You see it is, not only do you have one amazing guy but you have two. Most girls don’t get any and here you are with a choice of hot or hotter!”
“Sophie, you wouldn’t want this!”
“No, I think that I would!”
“You can’t base your life on my experiences. You have to work things out with Dan that’s the right thing to do,” I say, trying to convince her but somehow I do not think that she can be convinced!
“Alanna, I know what I want and it’s not Dan.”
“I can’t believe you are saying this how can you treat him like that?”
“Alanna, don’t you think that it’s hard on me? I hate myself for even thinking that I have the right to say that he is not good enough. I wish that I could love him more. But it doesn’t matter how hard I try I somehow can’t fully give myself to him.”
“If you feel that way then you still have to talk to him you can’t lead him on you know first-hand how that feels.” Sophie sighs and lies back in the chair. She looks very pretty today. A little overdone with the make-up but that is just Sophie. Her dark straight hair is tied up in a long high ponytail. She has on a tight red sweater and dark blue denim boot cut jeans with a pair of dark brown boots. She always looks good in whatever she wears with her tall curvaceous body. Sometimes I wish that I could look like her. She is much taller than I am and has a shapelier figure than I have. The more I think of her, the more I think that she would be a better match for Michael, than I ever could be. I start to wonder if maybe it is Michael that she sees, as more, and maybe it’s him that she wants!
Two
Evening draws closer and the sky of New York is glooming dark. I look out the window and I think of Adrian, where is he? Why hasn’t he been in contact with me? Does he even love me anymore? So many possibilities about him are rushing in my mind. And over at the other side of my mind, I wonder about Michael and how that I owe my life to him and yet I haven’t even thanked him. I wonder where Michael is. He has possibly gone back to London. After all, he did say that he was leaving just before we were shot. I could not bear it if he has. Although I love Adrian and I am heartbroken that he has left me. I still could not lose Michael and I really hope that I have not. I think back to when Michael asked me to go away with him. I think of his voice and the way his eyes were. He looked so sure, that this was what he wanted, and I knew that he was heartbroken when I turned him down. I will always feel guilty for bringing him into this. I have wished every second, that I have been awake, that Michael had stayed in his room that day. I cannot tolerate the thought of him being in pain and I know from my own aches how horrendous they are. However, if Michael had not of come with me that day then there is a strong chance that I may not be here today. I see how my mom and Sophie beam as they talk about the hero that is Michael. I will always be grateful to him but that did not stop me from getting annoyed when my mom was talking bad about Adrian. I felt so irritated at her words and I would never have expected them. Although Adrian is not here and it looks as if he does not care about me something inside of me is screaming out that he does care. The love he said he had for me could not have just gone away and I will never give up until he is back by my side. I long for him and his glowing green eyes. I wish that I could hear his deep English accent once again. I desire his kiss and his kind silkiness that is hidden under a cool, steel frame. The broken man who went through so much, as a child, that it is impossible for him to trust or love anyone. Yet he loved me and showed me nothing but that. He proved his love and he was about to ask me to marry him. However, the hands of which love is presented would not allow me to have him. God spoke and I was struck by lightning. I never got the chance to say yes or no and I feel that I was being punished for wanting both Adrian and Michael. No-one could be that selfish, yet I was. I led on Michael, I tore two brothers apart and I will never forgive what I did, and every second I wish that I could change how I feel. If only, I could just want one of them, my life would be much easier, however, I do not and I know that is my downfall. I feel in my heart that Adrian is all I want but if that were true then I could let Michael go. I would not need Michael if I were so sure that Adrian is the guy for me. I long for my choice to be made and I wish that I could have one straight answer on how I feel. I am here in hospital and neither of them is here with me. If they cared, then why aren’t they here? My heart sinks as I draw in the only conclusion I have and that is that I have lost them both.
I toss and turn all night with images of Adrian in my head. The feeling I have in my stomach is like blades ripping into my skin. My teeth are permanently clenched from the pain and the drugs seem to take no effect. I feel again, that this is possibly another one of my punishments that I have to take. I lay awake and stare up at the high dark ceiling. I reach over to the sliding table and pull it weakly across to me. I sit up gently and slowly and grab the white phone. With one weak hand I scroll through my emails wondering and hoping that Adrian had contacted me. I am, yet again, disappointed when I see that he has not. I sigh as I read down the list and his name is not there. If only he could understand that, this is not his fault. He needs to move on from this now and put the past behind him. I survived and I strongly believe that it was the love that I have for hi
m which saved my life. He was the last thing that entered my mind before everything went dark. The last image I saw was of his green eyes, I remember vividly in my mind the sound of his voice when he says my name. I feel a tear begin to run down my face and I quickly wipe it away. My mind is puzzled and I have no answers to how my life got so complicated. I never used to have any problems but now I have a ton. The capacity of worry that I have is consuming me and I cannot shake it off or even try to fight it. The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I cannot fail at college as I have in love. Mrs Henderson understood about my absence and she did try her best to make sure that I got to sit the all-important exams which never came to be. If all I have in life right now is, college then that will be my priority. I will get out of this hospital and I will graduate. It is as Maggie always says, careers are important and none more so than mine. The job which I want to pursue is ultra-close to my heart. Ever since Adrian told me his story, it has been drummed into my mind that helping children is my goal in life. If I could stop, the suffering of one child then that would make my job worthwhile. Helping and giving back to the community is now what my life is all about. I need to focus on this if I am to get through life without Adrian and Michael. Helping will be my passion and getting out of this hospital will now be my main concern.
“Alanna, please sit down, don’t try too much,” my mom says as she hurdles me back to the bed. She came early this morning and has been fussing ever since. I know that she is just worried but it is still annoying.
“Mom I am fine and you heard the nurse - I have to move around as much as I can,” I say and my voice is not quite so weak or broken as it was yesterday. My mom does not reply she just sits down onto the chair and takes out her phone. Her face is not as gaunt as it was yesterday and it looks as if she is possibly starting to accept this for what it is. I sit at the edge of the bed and look over to my mom as she types away on her phone.
“Have you heard from dad today?” I say in a quizzing voice. I cannot help but wonder about what my dad is doing in London. Possibly, he knows where Adrian is. If he does not then perhaps he is with Mr Jenkins who is sure to have heard from Adrian.
Three Thousand Miles - Jealousy (book #2 of Three Thousand Miles Series) Page 2
