by Alice Rachel
"Are you all right?" Melissa asks me a few times.
I do want to tell her what’s going on, but she wouldn’t understand. Marriage is not an iron fist asphyxiating her the way it's crushing my throat. I’m worried she might tell on me. I know she would, for what she would believe to be my own good. I can't even trust my best friend with my secret. There is no one I can rely on, no one I can talk to about the doubts plaguing my mind. I’ll just have to follow my instincts on this and go wherever they take me.
When five p.m. finally arrives, I leave school in a hurry. Melissa thinks I’m going back to my house while my mother believes I’m with Melissa. Lies like these never end well. You either end up getting caught or in deep trouble with a fate worse than the one you were trying to escape. I know that, but my situation is already dire at best, and when I think about meeting Chi, my mind blurs and my rational thoughts turn to fog.
I walk down the stairs to the entrance of the school and take a few looks around before I cut through the woods and head up the hill. Nature is on my side, hiding me. I walk about a mile, scanning the area with caution the entire time. When I reach the Arch, I step under it to find Chi leaning against the stony wall, with his knee lifted up so his foot touches the monument. The back of the Arch opens to the valley below and the sight is incredible—all shades of green, with trees always thriving and benefiting from the recurring rainstorms.
I’m relieved Chi is here already. It would have upset me if he hadn’t made a point of being on time. I’m glad he truly wanted to meet me and wasn't just playing games. He turns around and beams at me. His smile is breathtaking—his teeth nicely aligned, white and perfect against his tanned skin. His grin reaches his eyes, and he looks more handsome than I even remembered.
This is trouble sent my way to test me, and I want to fail so badly. I want to fall, fall so hard I'll break as I hit the ground. I'm drawn to him by magnetism, a strong pull I can't control, and I know I won’t be able to turn back now. My insides are in knots, from fear, anxiety, and an urgent need for him to touch me. I wonder what his lips would feel like pressed against mine, and I pinch myself for even thinking such a thing. I don’t know what's come over me. I avert my eyes as his proximity makes my body shake. My cheeks burn under his stare and my head spins. I'm sure he can sense my embarrassment, but he does nothing to show that he has noticed anything.
“I’m glad you made it,” he says, forcing me to look at him. “I was hoping you’d have the guts to come. I guess I was right about you.”
I’m not sure what he means by that. I can’t think straight. My heart is beating fast, pumping blood to my head, loud and deafening, jumping over and over again, almost tearing through me. Being here alone with him is terrifying.
I just stand here and hold my hands together so he doesn’t see them quivering. I don’t dare talk, for fear of saying something dumb. I’m not sure I can keep my voice steady either, and I don’t want him to know how much he’s affecting me. But he's staring at the valley below us, with his hands in his pockets, his demeanor calm and confident.
“Isn’t this view perfect?” he asks.
“Yes, it is.” My voice shakes slightly when I reply, and I want to slap myself for it. I try to push the dread away and force my mouth open to speak. “Why did you want to meet me?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” he replies.
Well, of course it’s not obvious or I wouldn’t ask. I want to tell him that and make him shut his mouth. But it would come out as aggressive and there is no reason why I should be defensive.
"Do I need a specific reason to talk to a girl?"
He fully turns to me now, but I stare at the scenery. I don’t want to meet his eyes; I might lose myself in them.
“You looked so sad that day." My heart squeezes at his words. He pauses and I force myself to face him. "Like you were on the edge of a cliff or something," he adds with a shrug. "I don’t know. I just thought maybe you could be a part of us.”
I can’t make sense of what he’s talking about. What “us” is he referring to? But what he says hits me hard. I did feel miserable that day. And I’ve been trying to hold on to life for a while now. His perspicacity stuns me into silence. No one has ever bothered to know how I felt. How disconcerting that Chi—a stranger—saw right through my façade! His words disturb me somehow, but they don’t explain his interest in me. I scowl at him.
“Okay. Okay,” he gives in, holding his palms up before leaning toward me as if he meant to share some secrets. “I also find you really cute and I wanted to meet you. Sound good enough?”
I'm so shocked I stumble backward. No boy has ever been that blunt with me before. It's quite rude, and I want to remind him that I’m promised to William, but I already know he doesn’t care. And deep inside, I know that I don’t really care either. No matter how poorly-mannered Chi is being, it's flattering in some way. No one has ever expressed any interest in me before.
“What makes you think I’m interested in you?” I reply. I don’t want him to think I’m some foolish girl he can just play with, tossing her future away, before running out of her life. I’ve heard such stories before, and they were quite dreadful—girls who threw it all out the window for some guys who were just playing with them.
“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?” he says, his lips rising up on one side. “So I’m assuming you feel some sort of interest in me. Either that, or you have some kind of death wish. Considering the situation you’re in, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. But I just wanted to talk to you, and I kinda hoped you’d be curious about me too, that's all. Why? Is that a crime?”
His smile spreads across his face as if this were but a joke to him. This guy is so arrogant. Really, what does he know about the situation I’m in or anything about my life? And yes, it is a felony for us to meet. How can he be so nonchalant about it?
“I’ll have you know my situation is not that bad, thank you very much. This conversation is getting quite tiresome, and I might just leave now.” I say it without moving a muscle because I truly don’t want to go. I actually hope he won’t take my word for it and dare me to do it. No matter what he says, I know he’s right and I can’t contradict him without feeling inside my heart that I would be lying.
“Oh please! Like you want to marry that jerk William!” He laughs, a small, sarcastic laughter that feels like sand against my skin.
“Oh, because I guess you would be a better match!” I retort, increasingly upset.
Chi's face turns sorrowful when I say it, as if my words slapped him. But I still want to defend William somehow. Though I don’t like William much, I can’t help myself. Chi's behavior is making me mad. I take a step back and walk away for good, but Chi runs after me and grabs my arm.
"Please, don't go." His tone is apologetic now. "You don't have to defend him, you know. Any girl would deserve better than to end up with a guy like him, trust me. I don’t have anything to offer you. I just wanna talk to you. You can leave if you want, but I’m not used to begging and I won’t ask you twice. You know, not all guys believe in this stupid society of ours. Not all of us believe you're an object. Now, if you want to leave, just go. I'm not gonna force you to stay."
I stop in my tracks and look back at him. There's kindness in his eyes now, and genuine sweetness. I've never seen such benevolence in William's gaze. Chi's sympathy is warm and comforting—something I want to wrap myself into. But I still know better than to think a man would consider me an equal.
“What are you saying? That you believe women are on the same scale as men? That women should have rights? Who do you think you're kidding?"
“You can take my word for it or not, it's all the same to me. I know I see you as a person and I'd like to get to know that person. You can take it or leave it.”
He shrugs as if he didn't really care either way, but something flickers through his eyes, betraying him. He's worried that I might leave without giving him a chance. This is the second time he’s given me
an ultimatum though. I want to take him up on it and just leave it at that. But I can’t. Something inside me is keeping me here and I don’t want to walk away. I’ve already broken a lot of rules to meet him. I might as well listen to what he has to say.
I cross my arms over my chest and raise my chin. "How do I know William didn't send you to test me?"
A laugh rolls in his throat, low at first, and then louder and louder, as if my question were just hilarious.
"What do you take me for?" he asks. "I have better things to do than hang out with jerks like him."
"You were talking to him at the gymnasium," I insist.
"No, I was not. Trust me. I was too busy looking at you," he says while raising an eyebrow. My cheeks flame in an instant and my eyes widen just a bit.
He sits down in the grass, unaware of my discomfort, and asks me to join him. I do so, but only because I need to hide how much I'm shaking right now.
“I’m glad you came today," he says. "Believe me, I know what it took for you to be here. I know the risks. I like that you were brave enough to come.”
“I prefer not to think about what would happen if my mother found out.”
“Well then, let’s make sure she doesn’t.” He sends me a lazy smile. "You shouldn't leave too late."
“Why did you want me to come today? I mean, really.”
“This is bigger than you and me, Thia.”
It’s the first time he says my name. The sounds roll off his tongue delicately when he pronounces it, "Thah-ee-ah." My heart skips a beat.
“How do you know my name?” I ask.
“I did my research.” He locks his eyes on mine. “Anyway, this whole thing is bigger than us. It’s finally happening and when I saw you, I wanted you to be a part of it. I heard you were promised to William. I know him, not too well, mind you, but he’s not a nice guy. He's a robotic sheep at best. He doesn't have the brains to question anything he's been fed." His voice turns acidic as he says it. "And the way he was treating you at the ball...I don't know, it just pissed me off. I don’t have status to offer you, and I can’t promise you anything. I just wanna get to know you. It's just crazy, a girl and a guy can’t even get to know each other anymore. I saw you and I'd like to hang out with you, if you'll let me. I don’t care if others don’t like it.”
His words sound rebellious, so I change the subject. “Can you explain that poem to me? The one you gave me. What is it about?”
“Things out there are worse than we think they are. And when I saw you that day..." He pauses, his eyes still holding on to mine. "The look on your face, it was heart-wrenching. You looked so fragile." He takes a deep breath. "And beautiful." His gaze doesn't waver at all when he says it, and I can't stop the somersault in my chest when the last word escapes his mouth.
He catches himself quickly though. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." But there is no need to apologize, really. No one who truly meant it has ever called me beautiful before.
Chi averts his eyes as his cheeks turn red. I’ve never seen a boy blush. It's endearing and confusing. I blink at him, my own cheeks on fire. After a few minutes, he sighs and breathes as if he were inhaling courage.
"I mean, aren’t you ever tired of following the rules and doing what they want you to do? We aren't even in control of our lives! I've just been thinking about it, and if I wanna talk to you, that's my own business. I couldn't care less what other people think!"
I look away. His subversive speech terrifies me. But I know exactly what he means. He's given words to thoughts I’ve had for a long time, but that I couldn’t quite formulate.
I turn my head to find him observing me, watching my reactions. His irises are light brown today, with a sweet honey color as the sun reflects upon them. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this relaxed before—a strange feeling to have considering I’m breaking a lot of rules and could pay quite a high price for being here. I hardly know him, but when he starts talking about school, conversation flows easily, and disappointment seizes me when he looks at his watch.
“I guess you’d better go," he sighs. He stands up and I follow suit.
I want to stay with him longer, but I don't speak my thoughts.
"I don’t want you to get in trouble," he adds while facing me. "Would you be willing to meet again some other time?” His voice drops with uncertainty, his confidence suddenly gone.
Breaking the rules turns my stomach to ice. I’m scared of the consequences. But as I look at Chi, there is no doubt in my mind that I want to see him again. I nod my consent.
“When can you come back? I guess you can’t make it here too often without it being obvious.”
“Well, I could be here again tomorrow."
It shouldn’t be too hard to lie to Mother again. I shudder at the thought of misleading her like this, but I don't let my fears show.
“Great!" he says. "Same time, same place!”
He smiles and takes my hands between his. The gesture surprises me and I flinch, but his palms are warm against mine and I don't want him to let go. He looks like he wants to say something, but then he thinks better of it. He turns around and walks away without looking back. He stands tall and lean, striding confidently, with the breeze in his hair. My heart squeezes slightly at the sight of him leaving. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Chapter 9
It doesn’t take long for me to reach the Arch the next day. When I arrive, Chi isn’t there yet. My first thought is that something has happened to him. Why is this the first thing occurring to me? What kind of a world is this that we should fear so much what may happen if we step outside the line?
I turn around cautiously when I hear the sounds of footsteps, and I know it’s him the second he says my name.
“Hi, Thia!”
I quiver as butterflies take flight in my stomach. He’s wearing his school uniform, the same as yesterday, but his hair is disheveled as if he's been raking though it all day. It gives him an unkempt look, so handsome that it hurts just to glance at him. I sigh, a sudden urge pulling me to him.
He comes closer and just stands there, unaware of the effect he has on me as he simply takes in the view without saying anything. After a while, he speaks, his voice clear and calm. “You know, I never asked for your last name. I just knew your first name 'cause I heard William saying it in passing.”
“It’s Clay. My last name is Clay. And you?”
He exhales deeply. “It’s a little bit complicated.”
“Okay, Mr. It’s-a-little-bit-complicated, what did you want to talk about today?”
“I just thought I’d spend some time with you, that’s all.” Chi rests his left shoulder against the monument as his beautiful smile spreads across his face.
“How was school today?” he asks casually, his hands slipping in his pockets.
“I don’t know. I couldn’t really focus.”
His smile turns mischievous in an instant. “Too busy thinking about me?”
“You're so cheeky! I never said I liked you!”
“You don’t need to say it,” he replies, arching his eyebrow. "Your presence here speaks for itself."
I'm blushing again. I hate how my cheeks always work against me. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Making me feel uncomfortable," I reply. "Using my coming here against me."
“I’m sorry." He’s serious now, clearly remorseful for riling me up. "I didn’t realize this made you uncomfortable. It was just a joke, Thia.”
A flicker of pain passes behind his pupils, subtle and quick. It was only there for a second, but it was long enough to stab me with guilt. I want to take the words back, but it does make me uneasy when he talks about my attraction to him, especially if he jokes about it. His teasing me is highly inappropriate, and I hate how it makes me flush. I don't want him to know that he can affect me this way.
I change the subject on him abruptly before he gets to say anything else. “Why
won’t you tell me your last name?”
“Because it’s not my real name.”
I’m taken aback and don’t reply. I’m not sure what he means exactly. I'm slightly annoyed at myself now for revealing my full identity so easily when he obviously means to keep his hidden like some national secret. My lack of cautiousness hits me hard, accentuated by his own personal discretion. He has managed to use his charms to turn me into some foolish, careless girl unable to think before she speaks. I hate it and I won't let myself slip like this again.
“Look, I wanna tell you about me," he says upon seeing my deepening frown, "but I’m not sure I can trust you with that information just yet. Maybe you could talk about yourself first.”
He sends me a quick smile, and I squint my eyes at him. I'm not falling for that trick twice.
“Well, you already seem to know all about me," I retort, though not unkindly.
“Just 'cause I know of your engagement to William doesn’t mean I know you. That union doesn't define you as a person, Thia.”
I take a deep breath. My name on his lips affects me more than I'd like. “Well, I’m not sure what to say. I’m not used to talking about myself.”
“What do you do in your free time?” he asks.
“I read, a lot. And I write, poems mostly. I guess it’s a nice escape for me.”
“Really? What do you write about?”
I want to tell him what my poetry truly is about, but he won't reveal anything about himself. Why should I expose myself like this to him, spilling things out that could get me in deep trouble?
"I write about my family, mostly." That's technically not a lie. "And I describe the landscapes and things I see." Boring things.
“Sounds interesting." There is no sarcasm in his voice when he says it. I wonder what he would think if he knew what I truly express in my poems.
"What else do you do?” he asks.
“I don’t know. I’ve had to spend a lot of time focusing on the wedding and getting ready for it.”
