by Alice Rachel
My mother isn’t far. I can hear her rummaging around in the office next door. She doesn’t have anything to do in there. She’s just spying on us, to make sure everything is going smoothly.
William holds my gaze, and a flicker of emotion crosses his eyes—a spark of resentment mixed with relief.
“Are you well?” he asks.
“Yes, I believe I am.”
Silence settles in. I can’t return the courtesy of his question after what I did to him. And I don’t want him to see how affected I am by what happened to Chi. But I don’t need to wait long before he starts talking again. And once he opens up, it’s as though he can't stop. His words spill out and his feelings start pouring through for the first time since I met him.
“I’m just trying to understand, you see. I’m trying to figure it out, but I just don’t get what you see in him.”
Out of everything he could have said, I wasn’t expecting this. I thought he was going to tell me our union was officially over. But instead, his voice is shaky with obvious jealousy. Is it possible he may have liked me the whole time? And that his actions were fueled by more than just pride?
“I just don’t understand. What does he have to offer you?" His voice rises. "You are my promised fiancée. We are to be together! He has no right to be with you! Do you understand? What he did was wrong! And I want to know why you let him.”
He sends me a reproachful look filled with pain. I didn’t know it was possible, but I actually feel pity for him. All this time, I thought I was a burden on William, something forced upon him. Now, it's as though I’m facing a little boy who’s been looking for love his whole life but doesn't quite know how to gain it. And I understand how he feels. I remember the cold look on his mother’s face. I wonder how much affection he actually got from her. Is it possible he never got any at all?
But no matter what William's feelings may be, there is nothing I can do to soothe him. He still thinks of me as his property, and I won't put up with it anymore. He's been influenced by society for too long. He can’t see things my way. He lied about Chi kidnapping me and he didn’t do it to protect me. He did it because he truly believes I belong to him and he wants me for himself. I'm his thing, a toy he takes for granted, some prize he never made the effort to win and never even deserved to begin with. And this is his revenge against Chi—to be here with me while Chi is locked up. Of course, I wouldn't have expected him to act any differently. His exposing us was the only reaction I could have expected from him, but it drives me crazy to know that Chi is in danger because of him. It infuriates me that William would think I’m his to keep and that I shouldn’t be allowed to make a choice for myself.
“I left with him because he cares for me, William. For the first time in my life, someone actually showed me that I mattered. He shows me respect, and he treats me like a person, not like an object!”
“Is that what you want? For me to treat you like an equal? But don’t you see? I shouldn’t have to! You are mine, Thia, and you owe me love and respect.”
And just like that, any pity I felt for him is gone.
“You just don’t get it, do you?” I exclaim, my voice rising. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Chi would never talk to me like that. I don’t owe you love! You can’t force someone to love you, William.”
“Actually I can! And I demand that you show me respect! It’s the least you can do after running away with that scoundrel.”
I can’t help myself; my slap across his face occurs before I can stop it. The sound of it resonates across the room as the marks of my fingers appear on his cheek. William grabs my wrist in a tight lock, hurting me. He forces my arm behind my back as he snarls viciously, “You will show me respect! Do you understand me?”
That’s when my mother walks in. William releases my hand instantly, and Mother acts as if she hasn't noticed the marks on his face or the tension between us.
“Oh, William, how wonderful to see you! Thia has been quite shaken by this whole tragedy. I think she might need some rest now if that's all right with you. But please, do come and visit her again soon. It’s always such a pleasure to see you,” she dismisses him quickly. She's quite rude in her haste to get rid of him. Though my mother is good at pretending and her voice melts like honey, I can hear the scorn grinding behind her teeth.
William nods slowly. His face has recovered its emotionless façade. He takes a step toward me and grabs my hand. He squeezes it hard as he pulls me to him. He bends over and kisses me. I wince as his lips brush against mine. A cold shiver runs through me when his breath blows against the skin of my cheek. He holds me tightly against him and puts on a show for my mother while whispering in my ear, “I’m not giving you up, Thia! Chi will soon be out of the way for good, and I’ll make you mine. What you want doesn’t matter! Remember I’ll always be the one in control and I can break you, just like this!” He snaps his fingers in my face and I cringe.
He pulls away and smiles at me—a grin devoid of any human warmth—before he inclines his head and wishes my mother a good rest of the day. My mother's eyes have narrowed, now shooting imaginary bullets right through William's back as he walks out.
I sigh in relief when he’s gone. I'm still shaking and his words spin inside my head. I don’t know what he has in store for me, but I can no longer be a part of this. I have to find Chi, and time is running out. I have to act, and I have to do it tonight.
If anything happens to Chi, I will never forgive myself and a part of me will die with him. It has taken me too long to realize this, but I'd rather be homeless and risk my life than live without him. I explain my plans to Mother and her eyes sadden.
"Walter will take you wherever you need to go," she says.
"Mother, I don't need help. I can do this on my own. There is no need to endanger Walter, really," I protest.
"Walter is coming with you, or you shall find yourself locked inside your bedroom, Thia."
"Fine, Mother."
I know she means well. I go upstairs and start packing. Mother will help me. I know I can count on her now. However, I don’t want her to get more involved than she has to. I don’t want my decisions to destroy any more lives around me.
Mother knocks on the door and walks in without waiting for my answer.
“So, you truly are leaving, then? Are you sure this is what you want?” she asks. “You can always choose not to go. It's not too late. We can still have the wedding if you want to.”
A few days ago, I would have taken this to mean that she didn’t care about me and that she only wanted to protect her assets. Now, I understand that there is true concern for me hiding behind her cold words.
“Yes, Mother. I want to do this. I've made my choice. I’m leaving tonight.”
“How are you going to reach Chi?” she asks.
“I can’t give you any details, Mother. I don't want you in danger. For now, I just need to reach the Underground.”
“So, it’s true then. There is a rebellious group and Chi is a part of it. I’m not sure how I feel about that, Thia."
“Mother, I can’t spend my life with William. You may not realize this, but he means to destroy me and he wants Chi dead. I can’t be his wife, and we can’t trust him.”
She observes me for a while longer before heading to the door.
“Please, come join me downstairs for tea when you’re done," she says over her shoulder. "I wish to spend one last afternoon with you. After all, who knows when I may get to see you again.”
Her words are sweet, but her voice is devoid of emotions. I don’t resent her for it. It’s the way she’s been for years, hiding her heart and feelings in a vault deeply secured inside her chest. I understand; her attitude no longer wounds me like it used to. She walks out the door and closes it behind her.
I open my closet and frustration arises as soon as I inspect its contents. There is nothing inside that I can use. All my clothes are uncomfortable and inconvenient—nothing but puffy dresses, stiflin
g corsets, and that wedding gown I hope never to see again. I do have my school uniforms though—dark pants and shirts. Those will do. I grab my backpack and arrange my clothes inside. I can’t take a lot, just a couple of changes. I also pack some underwear, a towel, and shampoo.
I spot my box of poetry on the floor. It hurts to leave it behind. I don’t think I’ll be able to come back to retrieve it. I know it’s silly and useless, but I decide to take just one notepad—the one containing the poem about grandpa. I make space in the backpack and shove it in there, as well as Chi's book, which I can't possibly leave behind.
I hide the backpack in the closet and head downstairs. I must pretend today is a normal day. I go have tea with my mother. The afternoon drags on, but I try to enjoy it. I’ve never had any real quality time with Mother before, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again after this. I'm anxious and restless. It’s hard for me to sit still and hide my agitation. We spend a long time chatting. I tell her everything about Chi while leaving out the parts about his plans and information about the Underground. She listens carefully and acknowledges that he sounds like a decent boy. Letting me go is still hard on her and she's quite reluctant, but this is no longer her choice to make.
***
When it’s time for dinner, I try and remain still. Though my heart is racing, I need to enjoy this moment. Grief swallows my heart; I’ll never spend time with my family again. How strange that I spent so much time wanting to get out of here, and yet the moment I’m about to do so, I wish I could stay longer.
My mother invited my brother over at the last minute. She used my recent kidnapping as an excuse for him to be here. Only I know what she truly wanted: one last family meal together.
Though she’s great at acting and no emotion is apparent to those who don’t look beyond the surface, the sadness still shows in her eyes. Her face is impassive and her voice steady, but she keeps on sending me sideways glances. They roll over my skin, and when I look up, the grief hiding deep beyond her pupils is undeniable. It’s horrible, but I find relief in knowing my departure is causing my mother sorrow—not because I want her to feel pain, but because it means that she cares.
Dinner goes by quickly. I try to take it all in, but the fog in my brain won't clear and I’m still restless. When it’s over, my brother and his wife depart. I want to hug them and tell them I love them, but that would seem peculiar. I restrain myself and just watch them leave. I snap a mental picture of this moment. My father says goodnight; it’s even harder to pretend with him.
Everyone's gone now. I can only leave later when everyone’s asleep, so I go to bed as well. Only my mother and I will stay awake. I go through with the plans and let Emily close the drapes in my bedroom while I put on my nightgown. I lie in bed and wait. I grow increasingly impatient.
Finally, the clock indicates midnight and I can rest assured that everyone is in their own bedroom. Mother has arranged for me to meet Walter in front of the house in half an hour.
I push the comforter away and put on my school uniform. In the bathroom, I tie my hair up and tame it in a messy ponytail. Then I reach into the closet in my bedroom and grab my backpack. I open the door to my bedroom, take one last glance behind me, and tiptoe downstairs, doing my best to remain as silent as possible, but the boards squeak despite my best efforts.
Mother is already in the kitchen. She’s made a lunchbox for me, surprising me with her touching gesture. “That’s for tomorrow, in case you get hungry.”
For the first time ever, my mother’s voice is shaking and a tear rolls down her cheek. This makes my heart ache. But I don’t know how to respond. I’m not used to showing my affection for her. She holds out her arms to me, guiding my reaction. I fall into her embrace and hold her in return. We stay like this for a few seconds before she pulls back. She clears her throat as if she got caught doing something embarrassing, and she walks back to the counter.
“Walter is waiting for you,” she says. Her voice is steady again. She’s trying to keep it under control.
“Yes. Thank you, Mother.”
And then she says it, the one sentence I’ve been waiting for my entire life. “I love you, Thia.”
And as her words come out, they tear my heart in two, like something one has been waiting for, but that comes too late. The words make it to my brain and I register them, somehow. It doesn’t feel real, but I still say it back because I’ve been wanting to say it for so long.
"I love you too, Mother."
The yearning inside my heart finds relief, and she smiles at me. Then she turns to the counter and starts putting things away. She doesn’t want me to see her crying, so I walk out the door. I send her one last glance. Her back is still turned to me, but her shoulders are shaking with grief. Maybe someday I'll be able to forgive myself for this. But it is my decision and I know it’s the right one. I close the door silently. Walter is waiting for me. He asks me where we’re going and I give him the directions. We walk to the train station. It closes at two a.m., so we have very little time to make it to Taylor's place.
Chapter 27
When we reach Taylor’s neighborhood, we get off the train and Walter walks me to the house. He's taking a big risk. If anyone finds out he had anything to do with this, he could get arrested. Despite that, he sat right by my side through the entire ride and didn’t flinch or hesitate once. We knock on the door and wait a few seconds. No one comes to open it, so I knock again.
Finally, some shuffling and the sounds of footsteps tell me that someone is coming. The door opens on Kayla. I’m worried I might not be welcome here. After all, they must think it’s my fault we got arrested and that Chi is being detained. I still feel horrible about our fight and how it caused us to be spotted. Even if someone told on us and gave our location away, I can't shake this feeling that I am to blame for all this. But Kayla smiles at me with warmth as she lets me in.
Walter remains on the steps. “I need to go now, Miss Thia. Best of luck to you.”
“Thank you, Walter. Good-bye.”
I have this urge to hug him, but I just stand here instead and watch him leave. Kayla closes the door behind me and yells for Taylor to please get his butt down here. Running feet hit the stairs, and Taylor appears down the hall, wearing nothing but jeans.
He stops in his tracks as his eyes lock on mine. “Thia, I’m so glad you’re well! I wasn’t expecting you to come here tonight. Did anyone follow you?”
“I don’t think so. We took the train and I didn’t see anyone. I was careful.”
“Okay, good.”
My stifled emotions suddenly surface. The truth needs to get out of me, so I babble quickly, “Taylor, this is all my fault. I got upset when I saw the news. Chi had never talked about Willow. I got mad and walked out. I wasn’t thinking. I screamed at him in the street, and then the police were there. But the officers told me they got a tip about our location.”
I’m not sure I make any sense, but Taylor is in front of me in seconds, grabbing my shoulders with his hands. He presses his fingertip to my lips to shut me up. “Thia, I know.”
I just keep on talking though, and as I explain what happened, my thoughts and words come out in an erratic flow.
Taylor shakes me. “Thia, I know,” he insists on each syllable as he says it, and I finally listen.
I blink at him, surprised. How can he know? What does he know?
“Thia, we have men in the police force. When someone gives tips about the Underground and what we’re doing, I know about it fairly quickly. It was Tina. She made the mistake of calling them when Bryan Harris was on the job. He's an officer working for me. He advised me of her betrayal almost immediately. We believed she was on our side, but it appears she wasn't."
“Who’s Tina?” I ask.
Kayla steps forward and takes over the conversation while leading me into the living room. “Tina was one of our members, a short girl with blonde hair. We never fully trusted her, to be honest. She was here the other day. I don�
��t know if you remember her.”
I search my mind for a short blonde girl and remember the one who had spoken during the meeting, asking for the location of the refugees before looking at me strangely.
“I guess she was jealous," Kayla adds. "She’s had a crush on Chi for quite a while, but he never really cared about her. He blew her off and told her he had other things going on because he had to find his parents. I guess she got mad when he walked in here with you. Honestly, it kind of surprised us too when he got involved in a relationship. That probably bruised Tina’s ego.”
“She called the police, jeopardized Oliver’s location, and got Chi arrested because she had a crush on him?” I can't believe this.
“Pretty pathetic, huh!" Taylor interrupts. "First rule: You can’t trust everybody. You have to put your faith in a few only, and you have to be careful.”
“But what about the information she has? She can go talk to the authorities now or any time.”
“I’m afraid she can’t do that, no,” he says.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I mean that we have a place of our own for traitors. We can’t afford for people to go babbling about our plans. So we locked her up,” Taylor replies, matter-of-factly.
“Do you mean that you kidnapped her?” I gasp.
“I mean that she was a threat and we took care of her. She’s lucky she’s still alive, and she knows it. It’s more than she deserves, really. But if she tries anything, we’ll have to get rid of her. Nothing can jeopardize our plans. They're too important, and a lot of people’s lives are at stake here.”
I'm horrified. I don’t know what I was expecting. Of course, the Underground isn’t all good and they have to take measures to secure their plans and ensure as few casualties as possible. The whole Underground relies on secrecy, so obviously, traitors need to be dealt with. I’m just shocked, stunned by this harsh realization.
