by Andy McNab
I try to keep some things tucked away in the dark part of my head, but I'll never forget Nicky Smith's blood splattering across my face, or the heavy 7.62mm rounds blasting into the chest of the first man I ever killed. I can still see the exit wounds that ripped his back open. And, twelve years later, I can still see the face of the last man I shot.
Soldiers hit by PTSD are casualties of war just as much as Vince, Bob and Legs were. A major mental-health crisis faces those who have served our country. We need to do something now, before we discover in another decade that more soldiers – regular and TA– have killed themselves since returning from Iraq and Afghanistan than were killed there in action.
We need to remove the institutional and cultural barriers discouraging soldiers from counselling, therapy – whatever you choose to call it. Seeking help should be seen as a sign of strength and professionalism, a desire to keep yourself at peak efficiency. The US Delta Force have been doing this for years, and I wouldn't have them down as a bunch of wimps.
We shouldn't be surprised by what happens to men who have seen conflict. The ancient Greeks recorded signs and symptoms in their soldiers after battle that we would recognize now as PTSD. We shouldn't need secret places in Wales for soldiers to slink away to. They're just like anyone else. They're human. They need support, not just from government but from all of us. There are hard-pressed organizations that can help them recover, but it's up to us to remove the stigma. They just need a little understanding and, dare I say it?, a whole lot of respect.
Photograph Acknowledgements
Author as a squaddy, Crossmaglen, 1977: courtesy Ken Hayward; Frank Collins in Malaysia, 1984: mirrorpix; Al Slater: BBC Motion Gallery; priest giving last rites, Belfast, 19 March 1988: mirrorpix; Vincent Phillips: Rex Features; Charles 'Nish' Bruce: mirrorpix; Frank Collins meeting the Queen: SWNS; Revd Frank Collins: mirrorpix.
Index
2 Para
2 REP (Deuxième Régiment Étranger de Parachutistes)
A-frames
A squadron
abseiling
Abu Ghraib prison
Adams, Gerry
Aden
Adoo
Afghanistan
Andy's visits
casualties
Mujahideen training
SIS involvement
Soviet retreat
Agusta 109 helicopters
Air Troop
Al Fayed, Mohamed
ANC guerrillas
Andrew
Andy's work with
appearance
Blowpipe training
Falklands experiences
job offer
Mujahideen training
Nish's death
SIS work
ANFO (ammonium nitrate and fuel oil)
Anna
ANP (anti-narcotics police)
AOD (automatic opening device)
Armalites
Army Spy, Class
Ascension Island
assault group
ASUs (active service units)
Al's death
army patrol encounters
cell system
County Fermanagh
explosives placement
Gibraltar
informers
intelligence work
SAS views of
target replacement
weapons collection
B Squadron
Andy's leaving present
Belize
Colombia
CT team
Falklands War
first day with
Gaz in
Gulf War
Hereford quarters
B Squadron (cont.)
Iranian Embassy siege
jungle cocktail
Nish's career
OC
'on the team'
sergeant-major
Beckwith, Charles
Belfast
army town patrols
IRA funeral
Stalker investigation
undercover in
Belize
Andy's injury
Guatemalan claims
tour
Bergen packs
jumping with
lost
Malaysia
Northern Ireland
packing
running with
stand-to routine
BG (bodyguard)
Blowpipe (shoulder-fired ground-to-air missile system)
Boat Troop
Bogotá
Bogside
Bomb Disposal
Bonhoeffer, Dietrich
Boss S
Botswana
boxing
Boyle, John
Bravo Two Zero
aftermath
capture and imprisonment
deaths
decorations
interest in
mission
published accounts
Bravo Two Zero
Bren gun
Brighton, Grand Hotel bombing
Brize Norton
Falklands War
Nish's death
parachute training
RAF Tristars from
Browning 9mm semi-automatic pistol
Al's
carried
issued
magazines
Browning .50 calibre machine gun
Bruce, Nish, see Nish
Bush, George
C-130s (transport aircraft)
Falklands War
freefall training
MFO box practice
Mujahideen training
smell
Cambodia
Castleblaney
Catterick, Infantry Training Centre
Chinook helicopters
Chris (in Bravo Two Zero)
Chris (in Seven Troop)
appearance
career
character
corporal and troop boss
first meeting
freefall training
friendship with Frank
Malaysia patrols
mortar fire controller
Northern Ireland operations
Northern Ireland patrols
Oman
religious views
Churchill, Winston
CIA
Circuit (private security companies)
activities
Andy's career
Des's career
Frank's career
mental state of employees
Nish's career
Paul's career
Schwepsy's career
Snapper's career
CNN
cocktail, jungle
Collins, Frank, see Frank
Colombia
Consiglio, Bob
appearance and character
death
grave
memorial
Corton-Lloyd (CO)
Countdown
CQB (close-quarter battle)
Creggan
CRW (Canopy Relative Work)
CRW (Counter-revolutionary Warfare Wing)
CT (counter-terrorism)
CTR (close target recce)
Cyril
Al's death
appearance
Northern Ireland operations
D Squadron
Det recruitment
Falklands War
Gulf War
DAS (Departamento Administrativo de Seguridad)
Dave
Davidson, Jim
DCM (Distinguished Conduct Medal)
Delta Force
Deltex
Derry
Det, the (14th Intelligence Unit)
decorations
names
personnel
recruitment
role
training
Dhofar
Dinger
DMPs (drug manufacturing plants)
Doom, Des
&
nbsp; appearance and character
career
Hillbilly baiting
stress relief
support for Nish
Washington lifestyle
wife
Drumrush Lodge, Kesh
Education Corps
Elizabeth II, Queen
Eno
Det medal
Det operations
Det recruitment
Hillbilly's death
Northern Ireland operations
Swahili lessons
EPC (Educational Promotion Certificate)
Escobar, Pablo
Eurovision Song Contest
Everest
F Troop
Falcons
Falklands War
Fan Dance
fast glide
Firefly emergency beacon
firqats
flame-throwers
Fleming, Kieran
Fletcher, Vicky
FLIR (forward-looking infra-red)
Foreign Office
Frank
Al's death
Al's funeral
Andy's party
appearance
book (Baptism of Fire)
career
death
Falklands War
first meeting
freefall training
funeral
grave
Iranian Embassy siege
leaving the Regiment
Malaysia operations
missed after departure
Northern Ireland operations
Northern Ireland patrols
relationship with Ken
relationship with Nish
religious career
religious views
sayings
Selection
Shanksy's story
sky surfing
training
wife
woodwork
freefall
abseiling
Al
CRW
fast glide
Frank
Nish
Nish's death
record
sport
training
French Foreign Legion
G Squadron
Gaz
Gorbachev, Mikhail
GPMG (general purpose machine gun)
Graves, Robert
Green Jackets
