by J. E. Taylor
Carolyn reached for the detergent and Randy swiped her hand aside. “I said I got it,” he snapped. He poured a capful into the machine and turned it on, closing the lid and turning full toward Carolyn.
His mouth opened and then snapped shut like a Venus-fly-trap. Randy turned and headed back toward the living room where he flopped into the overstuffed chair and rubbed his face.
“I tried to call around three,” Carolyn said and took the seat across from him, concentrating on his emotions, trying to gauge what his mood really was but all she drew from him was a big blank.
Randy caught her gaze and shifted in the seat. “I’m sorry,” he finally said.
Carolyn sat back, surprised. “For what?”
“For putting you on the spot.” His gaze lowered to the coffee table and remained focused on the pile of magazines instead of her.
“Randy, I care a great deal for you,” Carolyn began, soliciting his eyes to lock in on hers. “But I’m not sure I’m ready to move in with you,” she added, watching his face harden a fraction.
“You don’t love me,” he stated.
Carolyn closed her eyes and threw her head back on the couch. “I don’t know.” She sighed and opened her lids to stare at the ceiling, analyzing her feelings. “You’re always the first one I want to talk to when I have a good day or a bad day,” she offered, bringing her gaze to his. “You’re the one I called last night when I had another nightmare.”
Randy raised his eyebrows. “Another nightmare?”
Carolyn nodded. “I couldn’t get back to sleep, either.”
Randy’s expression softened a fraction and he sighed. “But?” He shrugged, returning them to the original conversation thread.
“But, I need time,” Carolyn stressed.
He closed his eyes and the muscles in his jaw worked as he ground his teeth together. “You have said that a half dozen times since last night. Why?”
Carolyn flicked her fingernails together, studying her manicure. “Because I need to make sure it’s right.” She said. “I don’t trust men,” she qualified. “My father died of an overdose when I was very young. My Uncle took us in and he was a tyrant of epic proportion and a mean drunk,” she sighed. “So all the male role models I had in my life were pretty shitty.”
Randy waited. “I don’t get it,” he said when she didn’t continue further.
“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Carolyn said and stood up, retreating to the kitchen. She poured another cup of coffee for herself and a fresh mug for Randy, adding the creamer and sugar the way he liked it. She returned and handed him the cup. “My dad abandoned me in favor of drugs and died in the process, and my uncle had a mean back hand,” she said, taking a seat opposite him.
Randy’s eyebrows went up. “So you have abandonment issues?”
Carolyn laughed and shrugged. “And trust issues.”
“I’d never hit you Carolyn and the thought that someone did pisses me off.”
His bloodshot grey-blue eyes bore into her, announcing his anger like a bullhorn, and she shifted in the chair. “I know you wouldn’t. But I need time to make sure I understand what I’m feeling, okay?”
Randy took a sip of the coffee and leaned forward. “Okay.” He set the cup on the coffee table and leaned back rubbing his face with his eyes closed. “I’m going to have a rough day.”
Carolyn couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “Yeah, you are.”
He opened a single eye and his lips curved in to a smile. “Want to start it out on the right foot?”
Carolyn glanced at her watch. “I can’t. I have some prep to do this morning.”
Randy groaned and peeled himself off the couch. “In that case, I should go home and clean up.” He wandered to the door. “I’ll pick up my overcoat tonight.” He glanced back at her before he disappeared.
Carolyn cleaned up the kitchen, wiped her hands on the floral towel hanging from the stove, and collected her briefcase.
The subway ride to the office was again filled with aimless-thought assaults of the strangers surrounding her, but this time, her own thoughts of Randy and their relationship kept the assault down to a dull roar. Carolyn opted for the Brooklyn Bridge stop and a longer walk, hoping the din would quiet and she could concentrate.
It paid off and she was able to ignore the thought streams of the strangers that passed.
Bits and pieces of the prior evening snapped off in her mind like a slide show. Randy’s reactions to her every move, his smile, his kiss and everything in between. When the snapshot of his pain-filled eyes flew in and out of her stream of consciousness, her heart plunged.
Before she had a chance to analyze her reaction, a strange voice overrode her thoughts. What the hell? barreled through her mind at a volume that drowned out everything.
Carolyn shot her gaze around at the crowded streets, scanning back and forth trying to find the owner of the exclamation. Nothing, no recognition, no source, just a cold and dirty chill grazing her skin like an unwanted lover.
Chapter 11
I caught sight of her on the busy street.
What the hell?
My heart hammered, actually jumping in my chest, jolting the blood through my body in frantic pulses. I couldn’t help but stare. When she stopped, my paralysis broke and I jumped into the nearest alley before her eyes landed on me. I held my breath, pressing my back against the rough brick wall, trying to blend with the shadows as she passed by the opening. It took me a few minutes to calm my frantic breath.
When I slipped back onto the sidewalk, I headed in the opposite direction, never turning to get a second look until I reached the corner.
I glanced back and she was no longer there, gone, either swallowed by the morning rush, or just vanishing into thin air.
Probably the latter.
Holy shit.
I held her severed head and looked into her dead eyes last night.
It was not possible that she was alive.
Chapter 12
Carolyn tilted her head. Still nothing. She stepped into the crosswalk, crossed the street and turned the corner, her thoughts returning to Randy.
Do I love him? The question prompted her to utter a slight laugh. She had no answer to that either and took a detour into the Starbucks to get her morning cappuccino.
She sighed as she stepped inside City Hall, crossing to the elevators and pressing the button for the fifth floor. Dropping her briefcase in her office, she went in search of the District Attorney, knocking on his door.
“Come in.” Jim yelled. He folded the paper as Carolyn entered his office. She took a seat on the couch across the room, studying her hands instead of meeting his gaze.
“Something bothering you?” He got up from behind the desk and took the seat adjacent to her.
“Randy asked me to move in with him.”
“Ah.” Jim stared. “I guess you were looking for something more permanent?”
Carolyn laughed. “No, quite the opposite,” she answered and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I guess I never considered he would get serious, he’s a playboy, or at least what I know of his reputation.” She met Jim’s gaze and leaned forward. “How did you know?”
“How’d I know what?” Jim asked, crinkling his brow.
“How did you know it was right between you and Linda?”
Jim leaned back in the seat. “I knew the moment I saw her,” he admitted. “I felt like I had been launched from a rocket.”
“I’m serious Jim. How’d you know?”
“I am being serious. It was instant for both of us,” he said and gave her a shrug. “I guess I was a terminal romantic, but after that initial jolt, I wasn’t about to walk away from that kind of connection.” He sighed. “But then again, I was young and foolish.”
Carolyn smiled, wishing it were that simple.
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know,” Carolyn said. “I’m not sure what love is.” Her boss’s reaction manifested itself in hi
s narrow-eyed scrutiny.
“Let me ask you a different question.” He leaned forward in the seat. “Can you see your life without him in it?”
That was a more tangible question and Carolyn thought about it. “No,” she finally answered, she could not imagine life without him.
“That’s a start.” Jim leaned back with a smile, but she sensed an underlying disappointment.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s somewhat simple, Carolyn. For most, love isn’t the lightning bolt kicking your ass like it was for me. It’s a realization that you can’t live without the person in your life.”
Carolyn’s brow furrowed. “I’m not dependent on anyone.”
Jim laughed. “That’s not what I meant, per se. It is a dependency in some fashion but not in the way you’re looking at it. Let me rephrase. You’ve already stated that you can’t see your life without him as a part of it. That, in itself, is the beginning. It’s a mutual respect and caring that runs deep,” he quantified. “Do you trust him?”
Carolyn thought before she answered. It was hard for her to trust anyone, but Randy had never given her a reason not to trust him. “I guess so.”
“Do you think he can make you happy?”
“I’m in charge of my own happiness.”
Jim shook his head and threw his hands in the air. “God, woman, can you be any more self sufficient?”
Carolyn smiled. She had been this way all of her adult life, rarely letting anyone inside, holding everyone an arm’s length away, even Jim, whom she considered one of her closest friends. “I don’t want to rely on anyone.”
He pursed his lips and crinkled his brow. “Randy isn’t your father or your uncle.”
Carolyn’s eyebrows went up and her jaw went slack for a moment. She popped her mouth closed and sat back, blinking. She had never once mentioned her childhood in all the years they worked together. “You know about that?”
Jim tilted his head. “I’m the district attorney for the City of New York. You don’t think I do background checks on the prospects I’m going to hire?”
“Let me rephrase, how did you know about my uncle?”
“I was a new associate in this office at the time and I wrote the summary for the D.A.”
“You never said anything.”
Jim laughed again. “It was never pertinent to the conversation.”
That struck Carolyn as funny and she burst out laughing. “Not pertinent? What about all those cases of abused children you sent my way?”
Jim shrugged. “You are motivated to put those animals behind bars.”
Derogatory comments filled her mind and Carolyn thought twice before she let the curses leave her lips. Instead, she stood and marched toward the door.
Jim caught her before she reached the door handle. “Carolyn.” He put his hand on the mahogany panels, holding it closed as she reached for the knob. “We’ve been friends a long time. I figured if you wanted to talk about it, you would have.”
She glared at him. “What makes today so different?” she asked from between clenched teeth.
“You are measuring Randy in the same light as your father and your uncle,” Jim said.
Carolyn stepped back as if she were facing a cobra, the horror of his words snaking up her spine and drawing her lips into a frown. “I, uh, I don’t think so.”
“You are. That’s your hesitation.”
“You’re not my shrink.” She regained her voice and stepped toward the door, reaching for the knob, despite Jim’s hand still firmly pressing the door closed.
“No, but I am your boss,” he challenged. “And your friend,” he added, when she sent him her best cross expression. He kept her blatant stare without wavering. “I like to think I’ve been able to show you we aren’t all assholes.” He cracked a smile.
Carolyn burst out laughing; she took a step back, relinquishing control of the conversation.
Jim relaxed, dropping his arm from the door and crossed the room, returning to his spot behind the desk. Before he sat, he said, “Seriously Carolyn, don’t let your past fuck up your future.”
Chapter 13
Carolyn picked up the paper on the way into her office and sat down. The headline didn’t surprise her nor did the picture of the girl. She sighed, tossing the paper onto her desk. Closing her eyes, she leaned back in the seat trying to block out images of the dead.
The creak of the door interrupted her thoughts and she opened her eyes to Jason crossing the distance with a fresh cappuccino in his hand. Usually the offering of morning coffee cheered her mood, but not today. Today, it just irritated Carolyn. “You really should knock.”
“Since when?” Jason handed her the steaming cup. “You know Thursdays are my day to buy the coffee.”
“Holy cow. It’s already Thursday?” She ran her hand down her face, blinking the cobwebs away before she took the cup from Jason, setting it down next to her already empty cup.
“Wow, you must have had a really rough night,” Jason teased and broke out in a perky grin.
“You have no idea,” Carolyn said. “Why are you so happy, today?”
“I’ve got plans for the weekend.”
Carolyn raised her eyebrow and leaned forward. “Do tell.”
“I’m not jinxing it. Let’s just say plans for now and I’ll tell you all about it next week.” He winked at her and practically skipped out of the office, making Carolyn chuckle.
Carolyn turned to her schedule, sighing. Her calendar displayed a free morning, and she nearly laughed at the deception. The number of email responses stacking up in her queue would take twice as long as the block of free time she had and that was only if by some miracle everyone left her alone.
Trent strolled in around ten. “We have a deposition together this afternoon.” He smiled and plopped himself in the chair.
Carolyn shot a sideways glance and made no comment, refocusing on her computer screen.
“Why don’t you like me?” he asked.
Carolyn’s fingers froze on the keys and she turned toward him. “You really want to know?”
Trent nodded.
For a lawyer, Trent was pretty dense, especially with the city’s view on sexual harassment, but instead of making a big deal of his lecherous ways with human resources, she hoped confronting him would have a much more desired effect. “You treat women like possessions, something that is put on earth for your amusement.”
“I do not.” He stiffened in the seat.
The indignation etched in his face was almost laughable and Carolyn raised her eyebrows.
Trent opened his mouth to speak and then slumped in the chair. “Not really,” he said after a few moments of awkward silence.
“What’s the first thing you do when you come into my office?” She turned the chair toward him. He had started this conversation and she was hell bent on showing him the light.
He shrugged.
“You try to look down my shirt, Trent.”
“I do not,” he said without conviction getting another set of raised eyebrows in response. “Okay, maybe I do. But you’ve got a nice rack.”
Carolyn caught herself before a derogatory remark slipped out. She knew his actions stemmed from the fact he had a crush on her. She took a breath and explained, “That’s objectifying me, Trent. I’m not a piece of ass put here for your amusement.”
“I never said you were,” he sulked.
“Then why do act the way you do?” She shot back, leaning on her desk sending her best piercing gaze in his direction.
“Because I like you.” He studied the patterns in her carpet.
Carolyn did her best to hide the shiver of revulsion. “If you like me, then why do you treat me the way you do?”
Trent raised his eyes. “Because I don’t know what to say when I’m around you.” He shifted in the seat.
Carolyn sighed at the lost puppy expression on Trent’s face. “I’m with Randy,” she said. “But if you promise not to be such a
dick, maybe we can be friends.”
Trent’s crooked smile appeared along with a shimmer of hope in his eyes. “Really?”
Carolyn nodded. “But only if you stop looking down my shirt,” she quantified the rules of friendship. “And stop asking me out.”
Trent nodded but remained in the chair.
“I’ve got more emails to get through.” Carolyn pointed at her computer when he showed no signs of leaving any time soon.
“Oh.” Trent shot to his feet. “Okay. I’ll catch you later.” He left the room.
Carolyn waited until the door closed and flopped in the chair like Raggedy-Ann, letting out a soft groan. She looked back at her computer wondering how Randy was faring today after no sleep.
* * * *
The couch in her apartment never looked so good and Carolyn stretched on the plush fabric, exhausted. She turned on the news, flipping from channel to channel trying to escape the continuous news loop about the Scarlet Psychopath.
“Who the hell came up with such a lame ass name for a serial killer?” she asked the television. “I would have chosen something more appropriate like sick fucking bastard,” she mumbled.
Her mind drifted to the conversation this morning with Randy. She stood and wandered down to the laundry area, pulling out the damp clean trench coat and inspecting it for any signs of the stain. It was gone and she threw the garment into the dryer.
Settling back on the couch, she tuned out the drone of the television, closing her eyes and shutting out all outside noise. A peaceful silence descended and she turned her thoughts to Randy. Was Jim right? Am I projecting my insecurities onto my relationship?
The door banged open, interrupting Carolyn’s peaceful meditation.
“Hi, darling!” Olivia announced.
Carolyn smiled at her roommate. “Hello. How was your day?”
“Fabulous! Damon is amazing.” She was positively beaming. She hopped into the chair, slipped her shoes off and rested her feet on the coffee table. “Once he gets his focus, he’s an animal with the camera. He says he paints, as well, and wants to capture me on canvas.”
