by Aven Ellis
“Those are right over there, on the kitchen bar counter,” Gretchen says.
“Thanks,” I say, heading off in that direction.
As I approach, I see a beautiful blond filling out a card.
She watches me as I draw a pen from the cup next to the blank cards.
“I don’t have kids,” she says. “This is hard.”
“Same,” I say, clicking the pen.
“I can at least start with my name,” she jokes, scribbling across the top.
I watch her for a moment, but as she neatly writes her name, my stomach flips.
Jen Vandenberg.
My mind instantly returns to the conversation with Emma in the WAGS lounge.
Jen was one of the girls JP pursued before me.
I turn my attention to the blank notecard in front of me. Don’t do this, stupid head, I warn myself. It doesn’t matter if they went out.
That was before he met you.
“I’m Jen,” she says to me.
“Hi,” I say, forcing myself smile. “I’m Reese.”
“She’s with JP,” Emma says, coming up to us from the other side of the countertop. “They are the cutest couple.”
I realize Emma likes to talk way too much.
And, apparently, without a social filter.
“Oh,” Jen says, nodding. “Yes. He’s super nice.”
I want to evacuate this conversation now.
But sadly, I can’t.
“He’s amazing,” I say.
“In other words, she’s glad you didn’t want to go out with him past a month,” Emma says, laughing.
Jen begins to blush in embarrassment. “We weren’t a match. JP wanted to be serious right away.”
My heart catches inside my chest.
“I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that,” Jen adds, thinking that is the reason for my silence. “JP’s the marrying kind. That’s his mission. Um. And I’m only twenty-three. I’m not interested.”
I feel as though the air is being sucked out of the room. It’s getting harder to get oxygen. My head is spinning from what Jen is saying.
He wanted to marry her after a month?
I know I feel that way about JP, but he is special to me.
I love him.
But does JP go into every relationship thinking marriage immediately and indiscriminately?
Is this his whole mission in life? Not to find love, but to find a wife? And is the only reason he wanted casual at first was to take a different approach to meeting this goal? That if he didn’t get serious right away, I wouldn’t run like the others had?
“He rebounded okay,” Emma adds, casually unpeeling the wrapper off her decadent cupcake. “Then he went out with Anna. How long did they last? A couple of months?”
I’m going to puke.
“Um, I’m not sure,” Jen mumbles, casting her gaze down to her notecard.
“I think that’s right,” Emma says, pausing to take a bite. “Oh, wow. This is like the best cupcake ever. You have to try one before you leave.”
I glance outside, where JP is talking to Harrison, Nate, and Matt.
“Then JP had his string of bad luck with Lexi and Holly until you said yes,” Emma says.
I turn to her, and she’s smiling, oblivious to how awkward this conversation is for me.
“Now JP has what he’s always wanted,” Emma adds, taking another bite of her cupcake.
Doubt floods me.
JP does have what he’s always wanted.
But is that me?
Or a future wife?
I put down the pen.
“Excuse me,” I say, “I’ll have to do this later.”
I need to be with JP. I need to have his arms around me. To hear his heart beat against my ear. I know being in his arms will get these ridiculous, irrational thoughts out of my head.
I slip outside, and a cool October breeze greets me, rustling through the still green trees in the yard. The sky is a bit overcast, with a hint of gray, and we’re expecting rain later tonight. The scent of smoke and wood from the fire pit hangs in the air, and I draw it in, trying to refocus my attention from the painful thoughts swirling in my head.
“Hey,” JP says, his eyes shining at the sight of me.
“You don’t mind me hanging out with you, do you?” I ask as I reach him.
“Of course not,” JP says, looping his arm around me and drawing me to his side. He drops a kiss on my temple, and I feel ridiculous for letting Emma’s words cast doubt over what we have.
I put my hand protectively on his chest, watching the flames dance in the fire pit.
“Do you want a s’more?” JP asks.
“Maybe just a toasted marshmallow.”
“I have all kinds of flavored marshmallows,” Kenley says.
“It’s kind of her thing: taking normal things and finding them in strange flavors,” Nate teases.
“And you love me for it,” Kenley replies.
Nate laughs. “Of course I do, bae.”
“Bae?” Easton asks, laughing. “You need to update your slang, Johansson.”
“Nah,” Nate says. “There’s a story there, but I’m not sharing it.”
“I don’t think I want to know,” Easton says, grinning. “Man, this team dynamic is so opposite of Baltimore. A lot of guys there were single. Here, it’s the opposite. Everyone is engaged or married.”
“JP isn’t engaged,” Harrison points out.
Easton gives JP a look. “He might as well be. So, when are you two getting engaged?”
I lift my head to see how JP responds to this. I’m expecting the ‘we’re happy and we’re dating’ response.
“I can’t wait to check that off my list,” JP says.
What?
“Check it off?” Nate asks, furrowing his brow.
I don’t want him to answer. I don’t. Right now our relationship has turned to sand, and I’m desperately trying to hold it in my hands as the grains begin to slip through.
“I’ve always wanted to be married,” JP explains. “I know that’s weird, but it’s true. I want that life. So, engagement, wedding, wife. All on my wish list.”
My heart shatters with his words. My hands fall. The sands scatter in the winds, and I can never get them back.
It’s true.
JP is working through his wish list.
Girlfriend. Relationship. Engagement. Wife.
Nowhere was I in that equation.
Because I don’t matter.
JP wants marriage and a wife.
And I’ve only been cast to play the part.
Chapter 33
I stare out of the window of the passenger seat as JP drives. I put on the greatest performance of my life for the past hour at the shower. Smiling. Laughing. Engaging in small-talk while JP’s arm was looped over my shoulders.
The whole time I was fighting back tears, knowing JP will never love me.
The scenery blurs in my eyes. I don’t think JP even realizes what he’s done.
He’s convinced himself that he cares about me because he wants a relationship, but does he feel real love? Love that makes him want to discover new things about me and fall more in love with me as he does? Find true amusement in my messy habits and love of Oreos? Miss my touch and the unique scent of my perfume at night when he’s in a hotel room on the road?
No.
I bite down hard on my lower lip, so hard I taste blood.
Anybody could be what JP needs.
“Hey,” JP says, reaching for my hand as he drives through Nate’s neighborhood. “What’s wrong?”
I can’t face him. I can’t.
Because I know as soon as I do, our relationship will be over.
I have no choice but to break up with JP. I can’t continue with him, knowing this.
While I know it needs to be done and this is for the best, it’s tearing me apart to know I have to let him go.
“Reese, you haven’t been yourself this afternoon,” JP says, his voice laced with concern. “Honey, please tell me what’s wrong.”
I shake my head. I can’t do this.
Suddenly, the car sharply veers off to the side of the street and JP throws the car into park. I gasp in surprise, shocked by his decisive action.
But the second I do, I burst into tears.
“Reese, please, talk to me,” JP implores, putting his hands on my face. “Baby, what’s happened? What is it?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” I cry.
His eyes grow wide with alarm.
“Do what?” he asks, his voice taking on an urgent edge. “Reese, what?”
“I can’t see you anymore,” I blurt out.
JP drops his hands from my face. His expression changes to one of complete shock.
“What?” he gasps. “Wh-What do you mean?”
“I can’t continue this lie,” I say. “Because this is a lie. I know you don’t realize it, but it is.”
JP stares at me long and hard, his chest rising and falling quickly, as if he’s struggling to get air. I can tell my words have sent him reeling. He turns his gaze straight ahead, and I watch in agony as he swallows hard. JP puts his hands on the steering wheel, gripping it, and I see his knuckles have turned white.
“I wanted this to be real,” I say, choking out the words, “but it’s not.”
JP continues to look straight ahead. He’s still not speaking.
“This is for the best,” I whisper. “Even though it hurts.”
JP remains frozen.
Then he slowly turns toward me. A sob escapes my throat when I see the devastation in his hazel eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out over the new sob threatening to erupt in my throat. “Goodbye, JP.”
Then I scramble out of his car, as I can’t take being around him any longer.
I begin to run down the sidewalk, not knowing where I’m going. I don’t make it far before I hear his car door open and JP running after me. Unfortunately, I can’t go fast in my heeled suede boots, and soon JP is in front of me, cutting me off and bringing me to a stop by putting his hands on my arms.
“How could you do this to me?” JP demands, his voice thick with pain. “I believed you. I trusted you with my heart.”
“You don’t want me,” I say, as sick as it makes me to utter those words. “You just want a girl.”
JP furrows his brow as if my words confuse him.
“What are you talking about?” JP asks, his grip tightening on my arms.
I become angry. “You have a checklist: girlfriend, fiancée, wife. You don’t want me, you only want to check the boxes, JP!”
JP gasps as my words hit him. “You actually think that?”
I try to wriggle free, but JP won’t let go.
“I was the one who said yes,” I say. “That’s why you convinced yourself you liked me!”
“What are you talking about?” JP yells back.
“You were looking for anyone! Jen. Anna. Lexi. Holly,” I say, tripping over the name of my best friend. “I know about all of them!”
“Know what?” JP asks.
“You wanted to marry Jen after a month!”
“What?” JP yells, losing his cool. “That’s crazy! I never wanted to marry Jen!”
“She told me you were the kind of guy you marry!”
“Yes. She said I was a good guy, the kind you marry, and she broke up with me because she thought I was too serious. That doesn’t mean I wanted to marry her. Even if I had, what does that have to do with us? Tell me.”
“It has everything to do with us! All you want is to get married. It doesn’t matter who the girl is. I’m sorry, but I need more than that.”
JP angrily releases my arms, taking a step back from me. “Who are you?”
“What?”
“I thought you knew me better than anyone ever has,” JP says. “I do want to be married. I do get serious with girls because I know what I want and I’m not into playing the field, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to marry any of them. You should know how I feel about you. The way I look at you. The way I speak to you. The way I’ve made love to you, Reese. You should know.”
JP’s words make my stomach drop out.
Because they make sense.
“I held back saying anything because you were so afraid of being hurt,” JP continues, his voice full of anguish. “I didn’t know if you wanted to hear what I felt.”
“Don’t act like this was all because of me,” I counter. “You were used to women leaving you if you expressed your feelings. When you told me you didn’t want to label us, I thought you needed time to fall in love with me. But, the truth was, you needed time to find a way to love me.”
“Don’t you dare say that.”
“Then how do you feel? Tell me,” I implore him.
Anguish fills his face.
“You can’t do it” I cry. “You can’t tell me how you feel. So, either you don’t love me, or you can’t tell me because you’re afraid I’m like Jen. Or Anna. And I won’t return your feelings.”
JP remains frozen.
I begin to fall apart.
“You don’t love me or you could say it. You’ve put me in that same category, the same as everyone else. I’m interchangeable. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you, do you understand that? This is exactly what I wanted to avoid! You’ve broken me. You have. You will never love me. I’m merely the girl to complete your love story.”
JP’s eyes flash angrily, and I know I’ve infuriated him with my words. He’s going to strike back now, I can feel it.
“Interchangeable? That’s bullshit!” JP roars.
My stomach drops out when I hear the raw anger in his voice.
“You are everything to me, and you can’t even see it. All you see me as is some loser willing to take whatever woman who said ‘yes’ to be his girlfriend. No woman who truly knew me would ever think I was that pathetic and desperate. I chose you. But you don’t know me. You don’t. It kills me to hear you say these things about me. About us.”
My heart stops as I see the torment on his face.
He’s telling me the truth.
I was wrong. My own fears drove me not to listen to my heart.
Now I’ve destroyed what we have with my words.
He clears his throat.
“I’ll take you home for the last time,” JP, ever the gentleman, says.
I see tears glistening in his eyes.
“JP.” My voice breaks. “I don—”
“Please don’t say anything else,” he says. “You’ve already broken my heart enough tonight.”
“I can’t,” I say, taking a step back from him.
“I’m not leaving you here.”
“You are,” I say, the tears streaming down my face. “Don’t come near me. You deserve better than this. Than me. But one thing is true. I love you, JP. And I always will.”
Then I turn and run, leaving JP behind.
With my heart, which will always belong to him.
Chapter 34
In the back of my mind, as I turn down the grass and run between two homes, I keep hoping I’ll hear JP calling out for me. To stop me. To say he doesn’t want me to leave no matter what I just said.
But I know he will never call my name again.
A vision of the hurt in his eyes as he told me I broke his heart flas
hes in my mind, and a sharp pain shoots through my chest.
I killed our love with my words.
JP will never forgive me.
I drop to my knees in the grass, feeling the earth underneath me. I look up at the sky, which is growing darker, and tears stream down my face. How could I have been so wrong? How did I let other voices get into my head?
Am I so messed up I’m incapable of understanding love, even if JP didn’t say the words? His actions spoke of love even if his lips didn’t.
Did my own fears about being vulnerable keep me from being honest with JP? Keep me from telling him I loved him first? Did my fears keep me from being strong enough not to care about his past and embrace our present? To believe that I was different, the one JP could truly fall in love with?
I know this man. I do. I don’t care what he had with other women. I know what we shared. He sent me flowers and posted pics of us together on Instagram. He kissed me and touched me with such care. He laughed at my messiness, and his gaze grew soft when I caught him looking at me.
It was all real.
Yet I let outside voices feed my own fears, which I never should have had in the first place.
I go over every word of our fight in my head, despair overwhelming me as I do. How did I let it end here? How could I have said those things to JP? Even if he did love me, why would he admit it after my horrible accusations to him?
I hear a car drive away, and with a sickening feeling, I know it’s JP.
He’s gone.
JP is never going to come back.
I weep into my hands. A chilly wind blows across me, and I long for JP’s arms and his warm lips against my temple. I long for him to tell me we’re eating Oreos and watching another old movie tonight. For him to call me his mermaid again.
All these grains of sand that made up us have scattered to the winds with my accusations.
These memories are all I’ll ever have.
I force myself to stand up on shaking legs. I don’t know where to go. I don’t care. I begin to head toward the sidewalk, and as I glance down the street, I notice JP’s car is indeed gone.
