by Amalie Jahn
He backed away from me, shaking his head in disbelief.
“This is too much to handle, Melody,” he said at last, snatching his coat off the floor. “It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore. You go and use your trip to fix MY life, and when you realize you’ve messed up something in YOUR life, you sneak around and lie to me about what you’re doing and why?”
“I’m still the same!” I pleaded. “Please don’t go. I’m so sorry I upset you with all of this. I was just trying to help you understand.”
“Oh I understand,” he spat at me as he reached the door. “I understand you’re a control freak who can’t just leave well-enough alone! I can’t do this with you right now. In fact, I don’t think I can do this with you ever.”
And so without so much as a glance over his shoulder, he slammed the door behind him, and I was left with a heart full of regrets.
C HAPTER TWENTY NINE
I waited all evening for him to return. I thought for sure he would creep into my room in the middle of the night, steal under the covers and admit to the righteousness of my actions. I didn’t need an apology, only his understanding.
As it turned out, I didn’t get a single expression of regret or support, and morning found me alone. As I poured myself a bowl of cold cereal, it became obvious that my plan had backfired. Instead of seeing the value in the work I was doing, Nate focused solely on his role in what he saw as my endless string of mistakes.
I went about the day as I did every other. I attended my classes. Completed my assignments. Continued drafting my bill. The only difference was instead of scheduling a few stolen moments with Nate, I systematically avoided all the places I knew he would be. I wanted to give him the time and space he needed to come to terms with the knowledge and repercussions of my trip.
And so I waited in the hope that he would eventually return.
As the hours became days and the days became weeks, my patience began to wear thin. Anxiety played at the fringes of my focus and Nate’s personal well-being gave me pause. His proclivity for blaming himself about things that were out of his control made me wonder if his reluctant return stemmed from a sense of culpability surrounding Vicki’s death. It would be just like him to personalize the tragedy.
Under the guise of a concerned girlfriend, I approached two of his professors about his conduct and was assured there had been no change in his attendance or academic performance. It was reassuring to know he wasn’t exhibiting signs of any addictive behaviors but that knowledge did little to ease my growing apprehension surrounding our estrangement.
For her part, Lesley remained fairly neutral. Although she still saw Nate and the others socially, she refused to convey accounts in either direction. I deduced from our passing conversations that she was in the dark about the true nature of the rift between us. Instead she continued to harbor reservations about my fidelity. I tried not to let her distrust bother me, but it was obvious to both of us that what was left of our friendship was suffering because of it.
In light of the social instability in my life, I did the only thing I knew how to do which was to throw myself into my work. It was a terrible coping mechanism, but sadly, it was all that I had, and in the darkest hours of the morning it gave me something to think about beside the many ways my instincts were forever navigating me in the wrong direction. I’d been so sure Nate was destined to be a permanent fixture in my life that I’d forced the outcome, bending fate to my own will by using my trip. By mid-March I’d convinced myself that our break-up was just Fate’s way of reestablishing the destiny that was already determined for the two of us. If we were never meant to stay together, it was something I could live with, but knowing time travel had the capacity to prevent people from ever being born was not.
Senator Turner, Jeff Armstrong, and I met for a full day at her home during spring break to discuss the next step with regard to the bill. I presented them with my finished draft, which after several thorough readings, she happily approved.
“You’re a gifted writer, Melody,” she said, handing the document across the table to Jeff. “Your ideas are well thought out and are presented in a way that’s easy to understand. All that’s left is to forward this on to my team of attorneys. I must tell you though, regrettably, once they muck it up with their legal jargon, I’m afraid it won’t be quite so easy to comprehend. So for that reason, I hope you don’t mind if I submit your version for peer review to drum up some bi-partisan support.”
My heart swelled with joy. “Do you really think we have a chance to end funding with this?” I asked.
She nudged Jeff who was reading through the document. “You’re on the inside. What do you think?”
He lifted his eyes from the paper and lowered his glasses to the tip of his nose so he could see us clearly.
“I didn’t imagine when I agreed to help you that I could be putting myself out of a job, but I gotta tell you ladies, this case is air tight. Technically, I don’t know why this wouldn’t pass…” He pulled at his greying moustache.
“But?” I asked, sensing there was more he wanted to say.
He flipped back to the front page of the document.
“But you can’t account for people’s emotions. There are those who feel the ability to time travel is a right, not a privilege. And typically, people don’t like having their rights challenged.”
“The right of one citizen to time travel doesn’t override the right of another to exist,” I explained.
He pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose and began rifling through his own stack of papers.
“I agree wholeheartedly with you, but I’m a realist. I know what you’re going to be up against and I just worry that your skin’s a little thin. The cold, hard world of politics might not be the place for a girl with a heart like yours,” he said smiling. “Now about those additional cases I found…”
He handed me a manila envelope, and I wasted no time spilling the contents onto the table. There were three pages of names, all belonging to people who existed before time travel disrupted their conception.
“How many are there?” I asked.
“By my last count, 217 since the government began regulating time travel,” Jeff replied. “And 53 of those embryos were destroyed altogether. So for what it’s worth, I’d say you have yourself a pretty strong case.”
“I’d say so,” Senator Turner agreed, helping herself to one of the sheets. “The challenge is going to be keeping all of these cases anonymous, as well as your involvement, Jeff.”
He rocked on the two back legs of his chair. “You don’t have to worry about me, ma’am. I got a job at the TTA 30 years ago because I wanted to be close to the enemy, so to speak. If this bill’s successful and the government defunds the program, I’ll just go on and retire. I’ll be just fine. And if by some chance my name leaks with regard to this investigation, I’ll own it proudly. It’s been an honor to serve you two ladies.”
Turner placed her hand on top of Jeff’s. “Without your documentation to support the theory behind the bill, we wouldn’t stand a chance. Thanks for all your help.”
Turner returned to Washington with my bill which she began circulating to her colleagues in an effort to gain support for our cause.
I returned to school and existed.
My course load kept me occupied for a majority of the time, providing a modicum of distraction from my inner turmoil. I could make it from breakfast to lunch without thinking of Vicki or Nate at all, and then I would spot him across the quad with the guys, laughing together as if he hadn’t missed a beat in my absence. It was all I could do not to call out or race to join him. I tried desperately to focus on the positive - that he was at school, thriving because of me instead of wasting away at home or in jail. Knowing his life was better because of the decision I made, regardless of whether we were still together, helped ease the sadness.
Until the moment it would overtake me in the middle of the night, leaving me staring at th
e walls, my head swimming with regret.
If only…
If only…
If only I would have just kept my mouth shut instead of being so righteous.
My subconscious tormented me during the nights of waiting for the elusive moment when things would finally Get Better. Visions of two children beset my dreams. One was pleasant and demure, with a head of chestnut curls; the other clever and rambunctious, with a golden mop atop his head. Each time they visited was the same. The scene always began with the little girl sitting quietly along a riverbank, dipping her toes into the water which trickled along the rock bed. The water was cool but not cold, and I allowed the serenity of the moment to wash over me. There was peace.
But then, just as her presence began soothing my soul, he would arrive, stomping through the shallows like an animal recently released from his cage. He called our names, crying out for us to join him in his revelry. When we didn’t accommodate his wishes, he splashed our faces, delighting in our pleas for him to stop. This continued, until enraged by our defiance, he would approach the girl and devour her bite by bite, leaving no trace of her behind.
The dreams grew increasingly vivid as Easter approached, and I knew I needed to come to terms with Mikey’s presence in my life before going home to face him over the holiday. It was irrational to harbor resentment toward a child who was blameless with regard to Vicki’s absence, but the longing in my heart could not be squelched.
C HAPTER THIRTY
My family was waiting for me Friday night when I arrived. Mom was curled up on the couch, engrossed in her favorite reality television show, while Brooke and Charlie occupied Mikey on the floor.
“Hey, Mel,” Charlie said, standing to greet me with a hug. “Feels like I haven’t seen you in a year.”
I felt the same way and although I’d been busy, I regretted not finding time to get home at least a weekend or two since winter break. The truth was I’d been avoiding them because of Mikey, but was resolved to make peace with my nephew and find solace in my family’s unconditional love.
“I’ve missed you guys,” I replied, relishing the warmth of his embrace. “It’s good to be home, even if it’s only for a couple days.”
“We’ve been telling Mikey all about you, haven’t we buddy?” Brooke cooed at the baby crawling in my direction. “We’ve been showing him your picture and teaching him your name. That’s Aunt Melody, Mikey. Go give her kisses.”
I stooped down as he approached cautiously, stopping several times to look back at his mother for approval. He was twice as big as I remembered and I felt a twinge of regret for missing his first Christmas. His eyes were wide with anticipation and drool pooled under his bottom lip.
“It’s okay,” I said to him. “I came all the way home just for a slobbery kiss from you.”
He stopped at my feet and I scooped him into my arms. He was sturdy and solid and despite my reservations, worthy of my love. Before I realized what he was doing, he planted his open mouth on my cheek and grunted, pleased with his performance.
“You’re getting so big!” I said, tickling his tummy. “What are they feeding you to make you into a giant?”
He giggled wildly, a great belly laugh of pure delight, and in that moment, I knew I could do it. I could love this baby not instead of Vicki, but in addition to. There was room in my heart for them both.
I sat on the floor and fed him from a package of bite-sized crackers Brooke dug from the depths of her diaper bag. I was impressed with how content he was to nibble his snack while I caught up with his parents.
“Mom told us all about the bill you’re drafting with Senator Turner. We’re so excited for your accomplishments and thrilled you would take on the cause,” Charlie said, returning to his place beside Brooke on the floor.
With their openly vehement opposition to time travel, I knew they’d be interested in the bill’s progress. The warmth of their pride began thawing the frozen ache of my regret.
“The bill is actually being rewritten by Turner’s team of attorneys and I’m just waiting to hear back about whether she’s garnered bipartisan support. The last time I talked to her she thought she might be able to formally introduce the bill on the Senate floor by the end of the month, as long as there were enough congressmen to support going forward.”
Charlie shook his head, beaming at me from across the room. “I had no idea you had this fire inside of you, Mel. Every time I tried to talk to you about time travel after my disastrous trip, you blew me off. And I gotta be honest, with the way you used to talk when you were younger, I thought you’d take your trip no matter what. I just can’t believe my little sister might be the one who could finally put an end to it. Where’s all this passion coming from all of a sudden?”
I couldn’t look him in the eye and focused instead on placing crackers into Mikey’s plump little hands. I would never tell him about Vicki.
Ever.
“Like I told Mom, I took a class last semester and it just got me thinking about how dangerous traveling is in our society. Look how much trouble it caused in our little family. It made me really angry to think about all the things that have probably changed in my life as a result of other people’s trips that I don’t even know about. Not only that, but I hate knowing my future might change dramatically based on someone else’s decision to travel. You wouldn’t believe some of the stories I’ve read as part of our research. Just last week we came across a woman who used her trip when she was 89 years old to go back in time to relive the early days of her marriage. When she returned after her trip, an entire side of her family tree was gone. Apparently the son she conceived during the course of her trip in the original timeline was born a daughter instead, but unlike her son who married and had three children, the daughter never wed. Because her son was never conceived, his children were never born and neither were his eight grandchildren. They were all gone. Poof. And when you stop to consider how different the lives of the spouses must be now, since they were never able to marry their loved ones from the original timeline, it really makes your head spin. Knowing time travel is responsible for stuff like that going on in our world makes me angry. I just don’t think it’s right for the government to give people so much control of other people’s lives through time travel, so I decided to try to find a way to end it.”
Brooke stared at me as though she’d been punched in the gut. “Why wasn’t the woman arrested? Her trip eliminated twelve people from the world. That’s illegal.”
I shrugged. “She didn’t get arrested for the same reason you didn’t get arrested over Mrs. Cooper. She wasn’t in the monitoring demographic.”
“But twelve people… surely someone must have noticed!”
I set Mikey on my lap and fed him another cracker. “That’s just the thing. Until Jeff started snooping around in the files, no one knew but her. And besides, conception isn’t a punishable offense. That’s why it’s the basis of my loophole.”
Charlie couldn’t contain his pride. “Most kids would have left a project as daunting as this one to the adults…”
I threw a cracker at his head. “I am an adult!”
“You know what I mean,” he laughed, eating the cracker off the floor. “I’m just saying that sometimes it’s better if you don’t know what you don’t know. You’re pretty naïve about the whole legislative process. You’re getting ready to jump into a tank of sharks.”
“And you think I’m going to get eaten alive?”
He looked to Brooke as if he needed rescuing.
“Maybe not now, especially considering you already found a precedent to end funding. How many hundreds of people before you overlooked that very law?” He crawled across the floor to scoop Mikey into his arms. “I just meant that most adults would have been so intimidated by the chips stacked against them, they never would have even gotten started. But not you. Your bill’s on its way to Congress for crying out loud, Mel!”
“Your father would have been so proud,” Mom gushed.
Charlie pretended to gag. “Our father would have ridden her coattails as long as the wind was blowing in the right direction while attempting to take credit for the bill at every opportunity. Not to mention that he’d resent the hell out of the fact he didn’t think of it himself.”
“Charlie,” Mom scolded. “Enough.”
He brushed her off and threw Mikey into the air above his chest, eliciting joyful squeals.
“He’s in a good mood tonight,” I commented, changing the topic. It was sweet to see Charlie playing with his son, roughhousing and tumbling around the floor. I never saw him carry on with Vicki that way.
“He’s really turned a corner in the last couple months. It was rough going in the beginning but he’s really mellowed out.” Brooke paused, watching her boys carry on. “Not that he still doesn’t have his moments. Remember last week in the grocery store, Charlie?”
“Which time?” he laughed. “When he kept trying to pull cans of green beans off the endcap or the time he screamed bloody murder when we wouldn’t let him hold that plastic duck?”
“That’s right,” she replied. “That stupid duck! I thought for sure someone was going to escort us out of the store with the way he was carrying on. You’d have thought we were breaking his legs!”
It was reassuring to know that even though I’d robbed them of their daughter, Brooke and Charlie seemed content with the result of the alternate timeline. Mikey wasn’t Vicki, but he was their son, and they were happy in their state of ignorant bliss.
“Where’s Nate?” Charlie asked, wiping the drool from Mikey’s lips. “I thought for sure he’d be coming with you this weekend. Or is he doing the family thing at his house?”
I poured what was left of Mikey’s crackers from the bag into my mouth and chewed slowly, giving me time to collect my thoughts. I figured they would ask about Nate eventually and was surprised they hadn’t inquired about his absence earlier in the evening. Of course I couldn’t tell them why we had broken up.
