“Jack,” I breathed. I was so angry and so embarrassed and so confused, I couldn’t even get my mind straight. All I knew was that I had to get out of here. One more pair of eyeballs on me was going to make me crack. “Please. I need…” Suddenly I realized I was seeing double and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had to get out of here, but my legs felt like cement blocks and I…
As I saw the ground swiftly approaching me, I knew this was not going to be pretty. Pain was welcome, but I knew I wasn’t going to like what the outcome was going to do to my face. It was a shame. I’d been such a pretty girl before. Before. As I fell forward and everything was going black, things seemed to have hit slow-mo.
The last thing I remembered was blacking out right before I hit the floor.
THIRTEEN
“Eve? Eve, sweetie, wake up.” I knew that voice and I didn’t want it around me. “Wake up….Dammit, wake up Eve. Stop being so damn selfish. I drove 3 hours out here and the least you could do is open your eyes so that I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my time.” Yes. Of course.
“Hello Mother,” I said without a tremble in my voice. I’d forced my eyes open the second I could.
“Eve. What the hell are you doing? I thought this place was going to wean you off of the theatrics.” I could just hear her thoughts. ‘What am I paying good money for if not results?’ Except this time, Mother, it wasn’t Ballet class, or Music lessons, or Art lessons. She wasn’t paying shit for me to be here so she really had no case.
“I hardly think fainting is considered theatrics, Mom.” And a panic attack to boot?! Lucky me.
“When you’re faking it, it is,” she said with conviction. I guess she had a point…had I been faking it. “I told them, when they called me, that I knew you were fine. But instead they insisted I come out here. I was supposed to be meeting Gina and the girls for lunch at the Club. Now they’re probably talking about me.” She cast a scornful look in my direction.
I wish I could say I was surprised by my mom’s attitude, but how could I be? This is the woman who raised me, and if she was like this now, imagine how she’d been when I was small. Imagine how a 17 year old speaks to a 3 year old who is just curious. My mom was a teen mom and her parents ‘supported’ her by not kicking her out of their trailer when she came home pregnant. And she came home pregnant young.
My mom used to tell me how lucky I was. How much we were ahead of those old farts who were having kids and couldn’t relate to them, or would risk breaking a hip to chase their child around the living room. I was lucky. My mom was my friend. She was cool and wanted to talk about the gossip and everything going on in my life…Especially if it came to boys. But, don’t bore her with stuff about school, or rules, or how the other girls’ families ate dinner together every night at a table. We were too cool for that. TV trays and microwave dinners while watching Wheel of Fortune was how those who weren’t lame did it. Obviously.
When I was in the fourth grade, my mom met a man. He was doting and handsome and he couldn’t get enough of her. Believe me, I knew. We lived in a one bedroom trailer and I slept on the couch. He couldn’t get enough of her.
They came home after school one day and she announced that they were married and he was my new Daddy. I’d never known any other daddy so I didn’t quite understand how the adjective ‘new’ was being employed, but what did I know? I had come home preoccupied because I’d heard people whispering that I must wear a bra since I was already starting to develop, and I didn’t really know what to make of any of that. Instead of asking my mom for a bra, I’d gotten a Dad.
I’d gotten a Phil, is what I’d gotten.
I’d been in state funded camps and classes, so I was already dancing and learning music. God knows why my mom allowed such a thing, probably on the prompting of some Good Samaritan teacher or day care instructor I’d had, but at least I’d been given a chance and I’d been praised as having promise.
Phil allowed those dreams to go farther.
We sold our trailer and moved into Phil’s huge house. At this point in my life, I’d call it a McMansion, but at the time I felt like I’d died and gone to Princess Heaven. It was jaw dropping in size, and I actually got my own room. There were two floors, the upstairs predominately dedicated to bedrooms, mine the first off from the stairs while the master was at the end of the long hall, several rooms separating the two of us.
I thought my dreams had come true. My mom was happy, I had a Daddy, and he’d told me that I could take all of the classes I wanted. I was enrolled in private music lessons for piano and cello, the cello teacher acknowledging that we would split our time between cello and violin. I was also enrolled in dance class: ballet, jazz, and contemporary. I was thrilled.
But then I had to beg. I wanted to be in art class as well. My mother pretended to argue with me; if I were to join a private art class I’d have lessons every single day after school. But, even at that age, I saw her worried glances at Phil. Would Phil keep paying for her child’s indulgences? Could she dare allow her child to ask for one more class?
Phil just laughed and said that of course I could attend the art lessons that my teacher had informed him about. He’d kissed my cheek that day and my mother had beamed. She’d found her Prince Charming. That day, I sort of felt the same.
I met Gideon around this time so the fact that we bonded seemed understandable. We were both dealing with upheaval; we both were desperately clinging to whatever semblance of identity we had.
So life went on. Phil, the ever-patient benefactor, continued to play puppet master in the wings.
“Mom, I don’t really understand why you’re here.” I’d pulled myself back to the here and now.
“You and me both, Eve.” Her tone was dripping with resentment. I almost smiled. My mother had never been very good at her job description, but I’d always let her slide for the most part. Until she turned her back on me and ignored the true monster that Phil was.
“Well, thanks for coming, Mom. Nice to see you. Sorry you missed your lunch with the girls…I assume Phil has kept you in the lifestyle with which you’ve become accustomed?” I turned away from her, no longer able to look her in the eye.
“Eve, I will never forgive you. Never. If you do this again, don’t expect me to show up.” With that, I heard her get up and then I heard the door slam behind her.
“Bye, Mom,” I said softly.
FOURTEEN
I was released once I’d been looked over by a medical doctor. Nothing wrong. I could have told them that. I’d had a flipping panic attack because I hate attention and I cannot stand being looked at. A far cry from the girl who performed in ballet recitals and orchestral performances…whose art hung in the halls at school. Now, if I could avoid having anyone acknowledge my existence I would be happy.
Which reminded me, I had a bone to pick.
Released with a clean bill of (physical) health, I headed out of the infirmary on a mission. As I approached the smoking bench, a specific red striped victim as my focus, I picked up speed. Just as I arrived and Leila noticed me, I noticed Jack. Victim number 2. Suddenly my agenda changed. I glared at Leila who had seen me approaching, but I marched up to Jack from behind, probably not having moved with so much purpose since I’d arrived here. Jack seemed to be staring off but he’d been talking to one of the guys who shared our bunk, who was still facing him. Jack raised his hand to gesture and I ducked under his arm so that we were suddenly facing each other.
Then I lunged at him and kissed him. Hard. Just goes to show you how crappy my decision making skills are. Here I’d thought I was going to teach him a lesson by embarrassing him this time, but instead his arms encircled me and pulled me tighter against him, kissing me back.
I’d never been kissed like this. I was no longer the kisser, I was definitely now the kissee. And oh my god, what had started as a joke was no longer anything of the kind. Wow. Jack’s lips were so soft yet forceful, as he claimed my mouth, devouring me. I froze and then I started to kis
s him deeply, like I had no control over myself. I gave myself over to what was the best kiss I’d ever had, and Jack was relentless.
Finally pulling away, I took in his face. He looked utterly satisfied and a little bemused. I lifted up on my toes and kissed his full lips one more time before dropping back down. Then I slapped him.
Turning to walk away, I looked at Leila and gave her the finger.
With that, I left and tried to distance myself from the two of them as completely as possible, within the constraints of camp. I retreated to my tree and slumped down in front of it, succumbing to the stress and exhaustion that the last day had wrenched on my soul.
✽✽✽
“Eve, you have to talk to me.” I was pacing back and forth, wearing a rut in Gideon’s carpet as I traversed his room. I couldn’t look at him, let alone talk. All I could do was shake my head.
“Eve, please. What’s going on?” I’d shown up that Saturday morning, when we were 14, and Gideon had let me in without question. It had been clear I needed him, had needed to talk, but then I’d clammed up. I just kept pacing and shaking my head every time he asked me what was going on.
Finally Gideon sat down on his bed and waited. One of his best characteristics was his patience. I needed that right now.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, but didn’t stop walking, couldn’t stop wringing my hands.
“Don’t be. But Eve, you’re scaring me. What’s happening?” He seemed genuinely confused and who could blame him? We were best friends and I’d shown up unannounced, distraught, but unable to voice anything.
“I’m fine, Gideon. I’m fine.” I kept pacing.
“I know you are,” he responded softly. Then he just sat there, quietly watching me. If anyone could have predicted my swan dive off into the deep end, it would have been Gideon. Swan Dive? More like Swan Song.
Finally I stopped in front of him, clenching my fists.
“I can’t do it. I can’t do it anymore. He’s killing me…one tiny bit of me at a time is breaking off. Soon I’ll be nothing.” I’d started out angry and finally trailed off, defeated. Gideon looked confused but didn’t immediately say anything. His patience was sometimes too much. I knew I didn’t deserve it, or him. Gideon was sweet and carried a form of innocence with him, despite his sometimes dark moods. We bonded over those dark moments, but right now he was nothing but light and support. “I can’t,” I reiterated vehemently.
“Eve?” Gideon extended his hand toward me. We were still just friends, but there had been times recently when I knew we’d both felt the draw of something more. Something different. At the sight of his outstretched hand, I collapsed to my knees in front of him. How could I tell him? How could I expose what had been my life…how could I betray my mom?
“I can’t,” I declared, again. Gideon just shook his head. He was just a kid, he was trying his best to be understanding, but I wasn’t giving him much to work with.
“Eve, you know you can tell me anything. I thought you told me everything, but anything you haven’t felt comfortable telling me, just know that you can…” I did tell him everything. Just not this.
I surprised myself.
“He comes in. At night. After my mom’s asleep.” My voice was barely over a whisper and I couldn’t look Gideon in the eye. Despite not meeting his eyes, I saw how his body tensed.
“Eve?” I bet he was suddenly regretting saying that I could tell him anything.
“It was little stuff at first…” I could only stare at my hands as I held them out, palm up, in front of me. As if they held the answers.
“Like what, Eve?” Gideon knew me well…he knew that sometimes I needed prompting if he wanted to get me to talk about uncomfortable things.
“Stuff. You know…sometimes he’d tell me that he was sad and needed some comfort, that my mom was asleep already and he was lonely.” I looked away. I’d been so naïve. “Then he just wanted to show me how much he loved me, how thankful he was that he’d met my mother and gotten me too. I’d wanted a Dad my whole life.” I looked off wistfully. “But I don’t think Dads do that…” I said softly.
“Eve.” Gideon was upset, his eyes glowing golden brown. I just shook my head.
“He’d ask my permission every time. I never said yes…I never gave it, Gideon,” I looked at him pleadingly. I knew it was still my fault but for some reason I wanted Gideon to know that I hadn’t explicitly allowed it.
“I know,” was all he said.
“But he always went ahead anyway, always telling me what a good girl I was, how wonderfully talented I was. Then he’d remind me that I was only able to take my lessons, only able to pursue my passions, because of him. He’d recount stories about my mom, things she’d shopped for, things she’d had access to, and how she’d thanked him so many times. Telling him how awful life was before we had him, how he’d been her savior and how thankful she was for what he’d done for her. ‘But the bitch never says how thankful she is for me. Just me. Or that she loves me…no, just how glad she is that I am providing for her. And she certainly never says how thankful she is for what I can provide for you…Eve, Baby, you’re never even in the equation when it comes to your mother.’ If he thought that’s news to me, he’s wrong. But it still hurts to hear.
“Last night he asked if I thought I could still sleep on a couch in a one bedroom trailer. He asked if my mom would be happy with me to know why we’d been kicked out.” My eyes were filling with tears.
“Eve?” Gideon sounded like a little boy. Scared. “How long?”
“Since I was 12…but last night was different.” I crumbled, resting on my knees, curling in on myself. As I stifled a sob, I crushed my face into my hands, unable to face Gideon…unable to face the world. “I said No.” I doubted Gideon could hear me, as compressed as I was. “He took something from me that I can never get back.”
FIFTEEN
I emerged from the secluded area behind the art room more broken than when I’d arrived. I hadn’t allowed myself to access those emotions since I’d broken and subsequently been incarcerated. The reality was that I hadn’t allowed myself to access any emotion since before that. I had been dead and it had felt good. Something happened that had awakened me, had awakened my emotions and my fears and everything I had thought was dead.
I was here, because I’d buried them deep. I’d turned my back on everyone, everyone who’d pretended to love me, and I’d forced up a wall. Dammit, how had my wall crumbled? It was so painful to feel.
“Eve.”
Mother Lover.
“Eve, are you ok?” Um, No.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” And I can’t look at your handsome face and not hate you while finding myself rerunning our kiss over and over again in my head.
“You don’t seem ‘fine’.” No shit, Sherlock.
“Yeah? Well, shows how much you know.” God, leave me alone Jack! This boy was single handedly destroying everything that I had worked so hard to build.
“Eve, wait.” He’d come up in front of me, grasping my upper arms and holding me in place. I didn’t like to be held in place.
“Stop,” I commanded as I wrenched out of his grasp.
“Ok,” he answered, holding his hands up in surrender. Treating me like the caged animal I was. Good. A little healthy fear was good.
“Jack, I can’t do this. I can’t be friends, I can’t talk, I can’t discuss why I freaked out in the Caf. I just can’t.” I was wondering what I could do. Pretty much nothing.
“Eve, take a breath. I’m sorry.”
Huh?
“Seriously. I’m sorry I made you so uncomfortable in the Caf. I didn’t intend anything like that. I just heard Leila taunting you and I figured you’d told her about our early morning hike and I thought that if they were already creating rumors, might as well give them something to gossip about. I never thought you’d be so upset…or pass out…” Jack looked genuinely repentant. Good.
“Yeah. It’s cool. Talk to you never…” I was
already walking away and he popped back up in front of me. How did he do that?
“But seriously. I’m sorry. And, are you ok? You were kind of freaking me out and then you just face planted.” He seemed to be both confused and concerned. It bugged me.
“Yeah. I’m great. In case you didn’t notice, I’m locked in a fucking nut house and like you said, I passed out in front of everyone who goes here. Woohoo! Then my mom shows up and tells me in no uncertain terms what a pain in her ass I am. So yeah…everything is just swell.” Jack deserved an award because he didn’t even flinch at my bitterness.
“Ok.” It was all he said. Which unnerved me. Then he proceeded to turn and walk away. The only thing more annoying about how mysterious and elusive Jack was, is the fact that it constantly makes me want to know more about him. Ugh!!!
“Jack?” I called softly after him. I figured if he didn’t hear me, no harm no foul.
He stopped and turned to face me. Of course.
“Um…did I hit the floor? When I fell?”
“Of course not. I caught you. I’d never let you fall.” With that he turned and left, leaving me to contemplate his enigmatic words.
✽✽✽
“So, um, Eve?” Leila had been trying to talk to me for three days but thus far, I hadn’t given her the time of day. Still wasn’t planning to. “Yeah, so, um…” Wow. I’d never seen Leila uncertain...never known that she could even possess that emotion.
Forgiving Eve: A Novel Page 6
