“Are you mad because he left you?”
“Yes. No. I’m mad because I could have helped him with what he was dealing with. I mean, he’d helped me. And I’m mad at him for not trying, not asking for help. For not trusting me.” My eyes were welling up and I’d be damned if I cried in front of Greg. Wiping them frantically, I continued. “And I’m just mad at myself. I was the reason Gideon felt he had no choice. I allowed my own problems to out shadow his, and made it so that he felt he couldn’t come to me for support.”
“Do you really believe that? Eve, are you really so self-concerned as to think that it was your fault that this young man felt he had no other choice than to take his own life?” What?
“You don’t understand.” Now I was getting angry. “We were all each other had.”
“Yes. Aren’t you upset that your boyfriend turned out to be gay?”
“No. In fact, that is probably the only thing I’m not upset about. We were best friends. The other stuff was always secondary.”
“I see.” Greg steepled his hands under his chin.
“He was my best friend,” I whispered. He was my only friend. “Gideon was the only thing that stood between me and Phil.”
“Yes, can we talk about Phil?”
“No.” I had opened up too much, in fact I was split wide open. I couldn’t get into the terror of laying in bed awake, just waiting for the inevitable. I couldn’t discuss the betrayal and the physical pain involved, the discovery of what only adults should learn how to do together, the hands and the mouth and the….I shuddered. I refused to get into the fact that I’d had to go to a clinic alone when I was thirteen, to get on birth control because I was terrified of being a child who was having a child, and turning into my mom.
“Ok. We’ve done well today…Eve? You’ve done well.” Greg smiled genuinely at me, and I was disconcerted that I felt a tiny bit of pride. “Tomorrow, then.” With that, I was dismissed and that felt ok.
TWENTY-SIX
“Hey,” I said softly. I hoped for the best.
“What are you up to, Ho?” Leila asked in her usual ultra loud tone, as she lounged in our usual spot on the meadow. I knew I’d find her there.
“Lei? I know we’re not supposed to do stuff like this, but I was kind of hoping for a friend…to talk to.” Leila’s face, her usual cut-a-bitch expression, transformed. It was like no one had ever been nice to her, or asked her for anything, or tried to lean on her. They probably hadn’t.
“It’s just that…well, I’m not sure what to do about Jack…” I wasn’t even sure how to talk about Jack.
“Shoulda thought about that…” She glared at me.
“Yeah. I know. But am I the first person to ever screw up? Because you’re kind of acting like I am and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.” Seriously, we were all screwed up, but suddenly I was public enemy number one??
Leila sighed dramatically.
“No. You’re not the first nor will you be the last, Eve. And you’ve certainly not superceded what any of us have done to end up here.” I felt my body unclench a little. “But the thing is…it’s Jack. You know? Jack who has never let anyone close to him since he came here…and he was here before me and I’ve been here for four years.” Oh shit. “And you kind of let him get attached to you, to start to open up, and then you shut him down. Like, it was pretty bad.”
“Did you see him right after? Before he left?”
“We All did. He killed a bench, Eve. Jack doesn’t do well with rejection.” Well, that made me feel awesome.
“Yeah well, Lei? I don’t either. And I was dealing with my own shit. I’m not going to apologize to you. I may consider apologizing to Jack, but not to you.”
“Fair enough. I just think that you need to remember who your friends are.”
“Leila? You’re kind of fair weather. So maybe you need to remember who your friends are.” I was being a bitch again, but Leila needed to stop judging me from her completely faulty pedestal.
“I know, Eve. You’re pretty much my only friend so I’m fairly certain I remember who my friends are.” She suddenly looked very vulnerable. “Just make it right with Jack and we can all go back to being one big happy family!” She sounded upbeat but her crooked smile let me know that she wasn’t immune to everything, that she’d heard me loud and clear. I loved her but sometimes she needed to stop and dial it back a little.
“Fine, Lei. But we all deserve to be cut some slack. I’d say something like, ‘If you knew anything about my past, you’d…’ but that can clearly be said for all of us. I don’t know where you’re coming from as much as I don’t know where Jack is coming from. I know that that’s how it’s done here, and truthfully it does sort of level the playing field and allow us to judge each other on a purer level, but sometimes it also helps people get closer if they can understand a little better.”
Damn you, Greg. Get out of my head!
“Yeah well, sorry Eve. Ain’t never going to happen. The Leila who existed before camp is dead, so what you see is what you get.” She held her arms out widely, displaying herself to me.
“Yeah,” I said sadly. “I wish you weren’t the only one who died a slow and painful death in order to be reborn here.” It really was tragic that so many of us had gone through or suffered from so many terrible things. And probably still did.
I couldn’t help but think of Gideon and if he’d have benefited from being placed somewhere like this. I doubted it. It worked for those of us who had no other choice, but Gideon probably just needed someone to talk to. Even if it hadn’t been me, I’m sure that if he had someone as annoying as Greg constantly picking his brain, things may have turned out differently.
Leila got up and walked away, leaving me wondering if I’d pulled a thread she’d rather I’d never even noticed was loose.
That night in the bunk, we were all accounted for. It was killing me, knowing that Jack was so close in physical proximity, yet couldn’t have been farther away. I tossed and turned and did my usual insomniac routine, too many thoughts running through my head.
“Jack?” I whispered. Please answer, please, I silently begged.
“Go to sleep Eve. And stop this.” He rolled over and I knew that as cryptic as his message had been, I’d gotten it loud and clear. Go to sleep on your own and leave me out of it. Stop trying to make amends. And don’t even think about crawling into bed with me.
It was like he’d screamed it in my ear.
Suddenly I felt a weight pressing down on me, as rough hands roamed beneath my shirt. I played possum, hoping, always hoping, I’d be left alone if I seemed to be asleep. But I’d played that game too many times and he’d played his just as many. I take it back; he’d played his many many more times.
“Baby,” he whispered in my ear, his hands continuing to explore, one beginning to move lower. I never understood how a white collar man could have such calloused hands.
In this horror of a game we played, I’d learned that fighting got me no where and pleas fell on deaf ears. I’d learned that no meant yes and if I closed my eyes and thought of nothing, clearing my mind completely, and lying as still as possible, the game progressed much faster and would be over soon.
“You Win!” I screamed as I sat bolt upright, dripping with sweat and gasping for breath. I guess I had been able to fall asleep.
It was only as I sat there, praying the all too real images of my nightmare would leave me, clinging to that horrible blanket that they’d never supplemented, did I truly understand what had awakened me. I’d thought it was my own subconscious attempting to shield me, but I was wrong.
“You don’t see what the problem is.” I realized Leila was talking. “You wouldn’t would you? I leave you alone with her for fifteen minutes and now look. Well, you’d better figure it out.”
What the…?
I started to push down the blanket so I could get up and roll over onto her pallet to see what was going on with her when I heard, “Don’t.”
“What’s going on, Jack,” I whispered back. Leila just kept talking.
“Leave her alone, Eve. She needs Irma and Richard. They’ll give her what she needs. This is definitely not the first time.” With that, I saw his shadow rise from his bed and he rounded the quad, crouching next to Leila who was still lying down. I saw him lean into her and I thought I heard him whisper her name, but it was hard to tell.
Suddenly Leila jumped up and Jack wrapped his arm around her shoulder. The two left the bunk without a glance in my direction. Neither returned all night and I didn’t see Leila in the Caf. I saw Jack but he kept his head down and sat on the opposite side of the room from me.
So I just concentrated on what sick fuck would think it funny to give me cocoa puff cereal, OJ, a grapefruit, and a bowl of lemon wedges. Lemon wedges! Not one to go against my refusal to make my own selection, I ate each part separately, minus the lemons. Obviously. Even I wasn’t that crazy.
Which brought me back to Leila. What happened last night? As if my own reprisal of The Days of My Life wasn’t disturbing enough, Leila’s little monologue was quite the oddity. Who was she talking to? I continued to puzzle over this through my classes, which every day only proved to me more and more that their sole purpose was to keep us wrangled in one place so that less people needed to be keeping an eye on us at one time. I learned nothing, and I was starting to wonder if they were actually teaching anything. Mostly I just spent the time trying to not think about Gideon and not think about Jack.
I clammed up with Greg, mostly because of the dream. I couldn’t go anywhere near those memories after having relived them so freshly. It was like I’d reverted a little, regressed to my locked up self. It was understandable since just as I was starting to get close to people and allow myself to trust, it got blown to pieces. Self-sabotage, I guessed. Still hurt.
Finally after another mind numbing Group session, where I wanted to punch Sandy if she asked us one more time if any of us had anything we wanted to share, I realized that I had no where to go. Leila truly was my only friend, and now with Jack so conspicuously missing from my life, I felt utterly alone. And utterly bored.
I was heading to my tree, when I surprised myself with ducking into the music room. It was thankfully empty and I felt myself drawn to the barre that ran along the mirrored wall. It had been so long since I’d allowed myself to dance. I had always convinced myself that I didn’t need it, not when it had been made possible by Phil, although some could argue I’d paid back that debt in spades, and I especially didn’t need to dance when I had Gideon. Gideon who lit up my life almost as much as dancing had.
Suddenly I was stretching, my unused muscles already protesting. Then I sauntered over to the stereo and turned it on, tuning it to a classical station. As soon as the music hit me, I was moving. Without even realizing, I was back there, back where my mind went blank and my body conveyed my thoughts instead. Not knowing how long I’d been dancing, I became painfully aware that my muscles were trembling and I was drenched in sweat, my lack of practice finally having gotten the better of me. I stopped, preparing to warm down, when I heard a noise. Jack was standing just inside the door, watching me intently with those piercing blue eyes.
“You are far too beautiful for your own good.” With that, he turned and left the room, leaving me baffled and twisted inside, like only Jack could. How long had he been watching me? I prayed not long since he knew how much I hated to be the center of attention. Stretching again, I finally turned off the music and fled the room, only able to breath again once I’d reached my tree.
That night, Leila was already in bed asleep when I got into my own. I’d spent extra time getting ready for bed because I couldn’t bare the thought of knowing that Jack was there, untouchable to me, and that my best friend had a lot more secrets than I’d guessed. I was beginning to really hate Admin and their poor choice of placing all of us older kids in the same bunk.
As I shivered my way through the night, terrified to fall asleep and be haunted again, I considered the unthinkable. I considered really going for it with Greg. Then I pushed the thought away. Did he really think his threat about his signature being the only thing standing in the way of getting out of here and living a fulfilling life would inspire me? Because so far, I hadn’t really decided if I had any interest in living any type of life at all, especially out there.
By morning, I was fairly certain that I hadn’t slept a wink and my reflection in the mirror only reaffirmed this fact…and mocked me. I had pulled on a pair of my skinny jeans, one of about 4 pairs of pants they’d allowed me to bring with me, and a purple long sleeve v-neck shirt. They’d been a little more lenient with shirts, since I was allowed to bring long and short sleeves, but even still, my wardrobe was so limited I no longer even noticed what I wore. It was almost a blessing though, so many less decisions to be made in the morning. Slipping my feet into my checkered vans, I sighed and headed out. Why did I care, no one was looking at me anyway. At least I hoped not.
At breakfast, I tried to be as invisible as possible, almost hoping that neither Leila nor Jack was in attendance.
Have I ever gotten what I wanted? That would be a big resounding No.
Keeping my head down, I crawled my way to a back corner and slid into a chair as I put my tray down across from Nancy. At least I knew she wouldn’t bother me. I surveyed my tray. Oh good, another dairy day: cottage cheese, yogurt, milk, and…bacon? I’d never gotten something good like that before.
“I told them to give you the bacon.” Jack’s voice rumbled in my ear. “You’re too skinny, a little fat will do you good.” As I turned to face him, all I saw was his retreating form. Ok, now that was weird.
Right then a tray thumped down next to me, quickly followed by its owner dropping into the corresponding seat. I turned and there sat Leila. Leila didn’t look so hot. She also hadn’t said a word yet which was entirely out of character.
“You look like shit, Lei.” She just nodded and stared at her oatmeal. At least it had a crap ton of brown sugar on it so I knew she’d prepared it herself. “Lei?”
“Yeah. You look like shit too, Eve,” Leila mumbled, still not looking at me. She just sat there, staring at her food, her hands on the table on either side of it. Then I did something that completely surprised me.
I reached over and grabbed hold of her hand, wrapping mine around it. She jumped at the contact, but didn’t pull away. We sat like that for a while, neither of us eating much, although I made damn sure to put away the heaping pile of bacon. You don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Finally, everyone started clearing out, throwing away their trash and returning their trays, forcing us to let go and do the same. Once we emerged, despite the fact that Leila still hadn’t said anything, I grabbed her hand again and dragged her to the meadow we always liked to sit in, where everyone left us alone. Dropping down on the grass, I gave a little tug and she plopped down next to me. She really was a tiny little thing, something that was easy to overlook because of her booming voice and over the top personality. Letting her go, I lay back on the grass and just stared at the sky, uncertain as to what I was waiting for.
“I don’t have episodes that often anymore,” Lei whispered. I didn’t say anything, afraid I’d scare her into not talking again. “I used have a lot more ups and downs, more frequent…hallucinations when things got really bad. Psychosis, my therapist calls those periods.”
Then she went silent for a while, the minutes ticking by. I wasn’t sure if she stopped talking because I hadn’t said anything, but I didn’t really know what to say. I wasn’t surprised, if that’s what she was worried about. We were friends; I could see with my own eyes that Leila was Bipolar. She just tended to frequent the upswings more.
“I value my times of wellness, even if to others they aren’t as obvious.” She startled me when she started speaking again. “I’m really good about taking my meds, so I feel so disappointed when I have an episode because it feels like all of m
y hard work is for nothing, that I’ve failed at trying to be well, failed at trying to overcome my illness.” I sat up so I could look at her.
“Oh, Lei. Never think that. Some things we ultimately have no control over. The fact that you can acknowledge how important your times of stability are for you, that you strive for them, means everything. You’re not alone in your fight, either. You have therapy, and your meds, and Irma and Richard…and you have me.” Wow. Did those words just come out of my mouth?
I didn’t have much time to contemplate it because she’d suddenly squirrel flown at me and knocked me back down in a huge hug.
“Eve? I wasn’t ever kidding when I said you’re my only friend. Thank you for being here with me,” she said, still hugging me as I struggled to right us. Succeeding in returning to a sitting position, Leila unlatched from me.
“I’d say ‘that’s what are friends for,’ but I’ve been a pretty lousy friend as of late.” I felt bad for how I’d been treating Leila, especially after the whole Jack debacle.
“It’s ok,” she said softly, “you’re just learning.” Who knew Leila was so observant?
“So I guess this means we’ll be here a bit longer, at camp I mean. Doesn’t exactly seem like we’ve been “fixed” yet, does it?” Lei finally cracked a tiny smile.
“It’s so funny how you view yourself, Eve. If only you could see what we saw…especially what Jack sees.”
“Jack sees a cruel person who betrayed his trust. Believe me, I see her too.”
“You should probably talk to him about that. I suspect there is a little issue with communication.” Leila smirked.
TWENTY-SEVEN
“Please, come in, Eve.” Richard’s voice was soft in volume but commanding in tone. I stepped farther into the office, more curious than anything, as I wondered why I’d been summonsed. Richard looked like he always did, with his tiny wire rimmed glasses perched on his nose and his eagle-like stare. Only this time, it was pinpointed on me. I fought the urge to allow my emotions to rise to the surface. I’d done nothing wrong, and even if I had, so what? So I’d be in trouble. Big deal. My life was pretty boring anyway.
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