There was enough light for me to see the smile spread across his face. I felt oddly comforted that despite my unpredictable behavior, my unpleasant demeanor, and my outright social ineptness, this beautiful human being had somehow seen through it all and grown to know me. Jack knew everything I couldn’t express, from my simple statement. We fit. In some dysfunctional and implausible way, Jack and I fit.
“You do realize you’re not allowed to monopolize all of the drama, right?” He asked. I saw the playfulness in his expression, but I also saw the sadness in his eyes. As much as Jack had found a way to understand me, I’d somehow found a way to see through his veneer and understand him. There was so much unknown about him, so much to learn, but I suddenly had an epiphany and realized that I could and would do it. Jack needed me.
Holy crapballs.
“The next time you decide to faint, I’ll throw Leila down and she can cushion your fall.” We were teasing but the reality was that it was true. I was messed up and Jack was too. After he laughed, the smile slowly faded. “We’re works in progress, Jack,” I said as I drew closer to him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I said softly, “If you think I’m worth it, I’m willing to try. But I will be holding you to the same standard.”
“Snuggs, I’ve never wanted to try. For you, I do.”
“You can’t make that promise for me. You have to do it for yourself, Jack.” I guess Greg was better than I thought.
Jack smiled, but there was a wilted quality to it. “For you? Ok. But don’t overestimate me. I seem to always fall short of expectations…in general.” He looked both saddened and resigned. Right then, I vowed that even if we didn’t work out, I’d do my best to at least eliminate that resignation. Jack was better than most people thought, and especially better than he thought. Jack was Jack’s own worst enemy. If I couldn’t fix myself, I’d be damned if I didn’t at least attempt to convince him of his self worth.
It was amazing what a difference a little attention and understanding could have done. Jack was one more person who had been failed by those he loved. He’d been failed by those who were supposed to love him.
I guess in that respect, so was I.
We were two peas in a pod.
Two damaged children who’d grow up to be damaged adults searching for direction. And somehow, by some miracle, we’d found each other.
And by some miracle, we’d found Irma and Richard and Greg…and Camp Sunny Days.
Jack pulled me into his arms and hugged me with such a ferocity that I knew we were already on the right track. And damn, it felt good.
“You know I’m imbalanced, right Eve?” He whispered into my ear. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure exactly how imbalanced he was, but I was not in a position to judge so I simply nodded. “Please. Please give me a chance to show you that I’m more than the damn chemicals in my brain, more than the teachers thought…more than my mother believed.” I actually felt tears forming and tried to discreetly blink them back.
“Jack, I already know you’re more.” With that, I pressed my lips to his and the world disappeared around us. Our problems and personal battles hadn’t disappeared, but in the scheme of things, it had been one monumental day. I couldn’t worry about what the future held, not at that moment. Not as we melded together, bonding and changing and finding a version of peace. I was proud of us; I was proud of myself and that was a feeling that was both foreign and amazing.
Tomorrow would come. Right now, I just allowed myself to be held in the arms of Jack and know it was ok to feel good.
TWENTY-NINE
"So Jack’s gone.”
My eyes opened, blinking rapidly as I attempted to adjust to the sunlight and my rude awakening.
“Obviously, we all know you chased him away again…” Wait, what? Jack what? I was finally able to focus on the impish face that was about 4 inches from mine. Not the way I cared to wake up in the morning, thank you very much.
Taking stock, I quickly ascertained that I was in Jack’s pallet…alone. Oh, and Leila was up in my grill. “Lei, back off,” I muttered as I tried to get a grasp on my sanity. It had to be early since the majority of the bunk was still in bed. A glance back assured me…my little ghosty Nancy was still there, albeit studying the exchange warily, so I knew I’d been right to assume I hadn’t overslept egregiously. But where was Jack?
“What did you do?” Leila asked excitedly. For a second I thought she was asking for details about our physical relationship and I recoiled slightly. That was private, and she’d be sorely disappointed anyway. Then I realized what she was getting at. My brain was joining the living.
Funny thing was, despite all that had transpired, I resorted to my old tried and true technique. I refused to answer. This time not because I was dead inside, or because I didn’t care enough (if at all), but because I actually suddenly cared. I was trying to get my head straight. Jack wasn’t next to me. It was early. We’d had that whole exchange last night where I’d thought that both he and I were making personal growth. But the truth seemed evident: Jack was gone.
It hurt, I wasn’t going to lie. And then, like Jack, I fell right back into my pattern.
I should never have allowed myself to open up. I especially shouldn’t have allowed myself to get attached to and have real feelings, (who am I kidding… definitely more than just ‘feelings’,) for a boy. I especially especially shouldn’t have thought I could trust anyone besides Gideon. And, did I mention especially? Especially not when I so unworthy of love, unworthy of being even liked, and I wanted to keep it that way.
Fuck you Jack.
Sitting down at the table in the Caf, I still hadn’t acknowledged Jack’s absence, nor had I acknowledged Leila. She’d flitted about as we got ready, but I’d tuned her out and hadn’t said a word. Gazing down at what I’d thought was a thing of the past, I took in my Canadian bacon which appeared far shy of being cooked to completion, my greek yogurt that smelled especially sour, and my blood orange.
Made me wonder how much the gossip got around.
I gritted my teeth immediately following the pathetic thought that flickered through my head, whining that, “I haven’t done anything!” I mean, I hadn’t, but I shouldn’t be caring. Caring is sharing…Sharing other people’s shit and a life of misery. Why did I care that the Caf staff seemed to know something I didn’t know and was once again wreaking their revenge on me via passive aggressive breakfast distribution? I didn’t.
But I did.
It took all of my willpower to nonchalantly re-examine my breakfast, deciding that blood aside, the orange would be just fine, and the soured yogurt and trichinosis tainted pork was just a no-go. I could work with this. Besides, why did I care?
“So bitch, whatcha do?” An all too animated and overly excited Leila dropped down next to me, ruining my whole I-don’t-care focus. Jerk.
“I didn’t do anything!” Wow. I’d just responded. And by the fact that half the Caf had turned and looked at me, I’d spoken loudly.
Oops.
Leila recoiled slightly, but regained her feigned confidence. “Well, I just mean, you and Jack…and you without Jack…well…Obvi.” She smiled tauntingly.
“Lei,” I made a conscious effort to speak softly, “the last time I saw Jack, as in right before we both fell asleep next to each other, we were fine. So leave it.”
“Yeah. But you ditched him in the Caf for dinner.”
“Well aware, Lei.” I returned to peeling my orange.
“That’s no fun,” she whined. Well, technically, she whined and then dramatically pouted. I wanted to slap her but forced myself to calm down. “It’s only fun when you two are having a dramatic blowout! It’s fun when it’s your fault but it’s especially fun when it’s Jack’s fault.” She took a breath and jutted out her lower lip. Then she droned on. “I really need you guys right now. I really need the excitement and entertainment of your story to keep playing out.”
Again, pout.
Again, urge to slap.
&n
bsp; Gritting my teeth and knowing that Leila was fragile and wasn’t trying to be as abrasive as she was, I simply answered with a, “Well, I’m sorry our shop has closed for the day. As Mary J. puts it, ‘No more Drama.’” With that I returned to my peeling process and Leila lost interest, fluttering off to harass some other poor souls.
THIRTY
That afternoon, I was summoned to Richard and Irma’s office. Fabulous.
“Mr. And Mrs. Cohen? Umm, I was told you were requesting me?” Oh dear god, I really had sold my soul. I was being polite.
“Evelyn, dear, come in.” I guess Irma was in a more forgiving mood. I entered their cave, as I’d grown to view it as, and tried to hold my head high. I was fairly certain I’d done nothing to warrant disciplinary action, but who was to say?
“So, have you given thought to our offer about the Art position?” Richard jumped in, his bifocals which I rarely saw him actually wear were for once on his face. He had come around his desk but then leisurely leaned back against it.
“Um, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought.” Actually, I hadn’t. At all. “I’ve been thinking about it and I think it’s a good idea. I think it would be very beneficial to me to get involved and reinsert myself into a world that would provide me with a constructive use of my time.” What? Who was I and what had happened to Eve?
I was so distracted by Jack’s disappearance to focus on being my sullen self. Besides, the message I’d received during our last meeting had not been lost on me.
“Excellent. I think this will work out wonderfully,” Richard responded as he crossed his legs, still perched against his desk. “We’ll have your schedule for you in a few days.” He smiled and I couldn’t help but think it was a genuine smile.
“Yes, sir.” Sir? I didn’t think I’d ever called anyone ‘sir’ in my life. Maybe there were brain parasites in the bacon here…yeah, I’d definitely been infected and was no longer in control. Sheesh. Should’ve known better than to eat that special bacon Jack had gotten me.
“Eve.” My neurotic thoughts were interrupted. Irma was trying to get my attention and when I looked at her, she had a strange expression on her face. She almost looked uneasy.
“Yes, Irma?” At least I was still in control enough of my brain not to say, “Ma’am.”
“Well, we appreciate your taking us up on our offer…” She trailed off and glanced at Richard, before returning her icy blue stare to me. “Like we’ve told you, we’re well aware of the internal workings of our camp.” Fuck. Where was this going? “I guess I should just cut to the chase. You do realize that we care for our campers greatly, that each one is special and close to our heart?” No, not really. “Anyway, in addition to that, Jack has been with us a long time.” Oh. So this was about Jack. Was I going to get in trouble for developing a relationship with him? That sucked.
“Jack is especially special to us.” I could relate to that, Jack was especially special to me. “So, since we’re aware that the two of you have a bond, we’d like to ask you something and hope you will be honest with us.” Oh crap. What were they going to ask me? Please don’t let it have anything to do with sex or intimacy. I was feeling awkward enough as it was.
“I’m sure Jack has told you about his mother,” Richard jumped in. The two seemed to have a flawless system. I simply nodded. “So you understand why we’re concerned.” No. I mean, yes, but no. I nodded again anyway. “So I guess what we’re trying to say is-”
“Where’s Jack?” Irma was suddenly losing her cool, and if I wasn’t mistaken, slightly frantic sounding.
“Excuse me?” I was completely lost. Jack left all time and he always came back. I’d finally decided that if he could get away with it, it meant that Irma and Richard had some kind of understanding with him or were at least partially in the know as to where he went.
“You heard me. Where is Jack?” Irma’s tone was escalating.
“I don’t know.” I looked straight at her, ignoring Richard, meeting her gaze. Were they going to try to pin something on me? Well, screw that.
“You must know. You’re his girlfriend.”
I was so thrown by being referenced as Jack’s girlfriend that I almost missed the pleading tone of Irma’s statement.
“Wait a minute…” I quickly glanced back and forth between Irma and Richard. “You don’t know where he is?” Irma shook her head sadly. “But don’t you…maybe I misunderstood. I thought you let him leave when he wanted to.” I was now both confused and starting to slightly freak out.
Richard crossed the office and placed his arm around Irma, an act of affection that I didn’t see often, probably because they were a married couple running a camp for trouble teens. They needed to remain strict and stoic enough to retain respect and discipline. But I guess when it came down to it, they were still husband and wife and relied on each other for emotional support.
“Jack is like our son.” I had never heard Irma sound so vulnerable. “We’ve pretty much raised him since Irene left. By then, I didn’t even recognize my own best friend.” Holy Bat Revelation, this was a whole lot of info that I was being blindsided by. Irma and Richard were who his mom ditched him with? Thank god for small favors.
“Ok.” Stupid response, Eve.
“So we’re concerned because we don’t know where he is.” Irma looked pleadingly at me.
“What we’re trying to say here, Eve, is that we usually know where he goes. But this time, we don’t, so if there’s any information you can-”
“Where is he, Eve?” Irma’s tone was demanding and I noticed Richard’s hold on her tighten.
“I don’t know.” I honestly didn’t, and I was kind of starting to freak out since Irma was becoming so unhinged. I mean, this was Irma. And also, hold the phone. Jack was raised by Irma and Richard?! Suddenly I was understanding; this wasn’t an outright attack on me, this was a mother hen who feared for her chick. Wow. Who would have thought?
“Irma.” Richard’s tone was both calming and warning. He was seeing her lose her shit in front of a camper, and while he probably was going through the same emotions she was, he needed her to remain as cool as he was.
“But-” Irma’s ice blue eyes were starting to tear. I almost felt bad for her. Then I started. Almost? That was the old Eve; the unfeeling Eve, the Eve who hated everyone and anything that could possibly evoke emotion or feeling from her.
I did feel bad for her.
Suddenly I was worried too. Was Jack ok? I’d just assumed this whole time that he was off on one of his usual adventures. Maybe this time he didn’t feel like sharing with his parents? Because that’s what they were, I was realizing. Irma and Richard were Jack’s parents and I was blindsided by a wave of longing. Jack had gotten a shitty hand dealt to him, but he’d ended up getting an awesome second hand. Sure, Richard and Irma were the disciplinarians we were programmed to fear, or at least not to like. But the reality was that they ran this camp where we all were finally accepted, where we were able to work on our personal growth and improvement, and where, despite the requisite fear, we knew that if we needed anything, Irma and Richard were there for us. My own mother couldn’t summon enough care and emotion for me; here Irma and Richard were finding a way to reach an entire camp of troubled youth, year after year. It pained me to admit I had been wrong about them, but I had.
“I’m sorry,” I stuttered. “I have no more insight than you do.” Irma looked crestfallen.
“Thank you, Ms. Harris. Please let us know if you have any updates on Jack’s whereabouts.” With that, Richard dismissed me and I scurried out. Only as the door was closing, did I hear Irma’s wail.
THIRTY-ONE
It was time to do things my way.
Jack had taken me out his secret way several times by now, and I was going to make an attempt. There were two possible results: Find Jack, or be caught and disciplined. I prayed for the former. Discipline meant more time interned and more debt to pay to society. I only hoped I knew Jack enough.
As I
was approaching the fence, scanning the area and undoubtedly looking completely obvious and suspicious, I suddenly got my doubts. What if I was caught? Could I stomach more time here than had been court ordered? Or worse, I was no longer a minor. Would I be sent to actual prison for violating my restrictions?
But…Jack. Jack was worth it…wasn’t he? He was the first person I’d met since Gideon who I trusted. The first person since Phil who I didn’t assume would exploit me.
Then I started to doubt myself. If Irma and Richard always knew where Jack went and were worried, then what chance did I have to find him? That meant they knew his destinations and knew every time he left camp. Did that mean they knew when I’d left camp with him? But if that was the case, why was I never disciplined? Did they look the other way because they knew I was with Jack? Or did they not know as much as they’d let on?
Finally, I decided that regardless of what Irma and Richard claimed to ‘know,’ there was no real proof as to the validity of their claim. Besides, if I was caught, I hoped they’d be a little lenient if I explained that I was looking for Jack. Keep telling yourself that, Evelyn.
I was through the fence and on the outside before my internal debate had concluded. Apparently it was a moot point. What was done was done, it was now time to carry on my mission.
Looking around as I snuck through Jack’s hole in the gate, I made sure to close it back down as he had every time he’d helped me through. Satisfied that it looked relatively restored, I began my search. As I tromped through the meadow, or ‘Jack’s Meadow,’ as I’d secretly begun to think of it, I knew without a doubt that he wasn’t here.
Forgiving Eve: A Novel Page 14
