“Julia, there’s a lot of cool guys out there; you don’t need this one,” he said with a convincing smile
I found his gesture sweet, but I didn’t want any other “cool” guys. I wanted Nicholas.
“Yeah, I know.”
I continued playing with my sweatshirt string. And after Luke realized I was finished, he turned up the TV and started watching his show again.
I sat for a few minutes, happy we’d reconciled then headed towards my room. Flopping down on the chair at my desk, I listened to the rain coming down outside and thought about what Luke and Jo had said. There were way too many thoughts going on in my head, so I decided I needed to write them down to get closure and clarity. I pulled out my journal and began to write.
Dear Diary,
It’s been a week since I’ve seen Nicholas. Tomorrow, I’m going to say goodbye forever.
And then I knew what I wanted to do. I pulled out another sheet of paper and began to write.
It started out…
Dear Nicholas,
I’m writing to say goodbye…
I just wrote what my heart needed to say in order to move on. As the ink spilled the words out onto the paper, my eyes welled up with tears. At the end, I signed it then folded it up neatly. I had plans for it in the morning.
. . .
8 – FAREWELL
The crisp morning air and the warm travel mug in my hands should have stopped the lump from forming in my throat, but this wasn’t going to be a normal stroll. Birds sang happily to welcome the day after the night rain, but I couldn’t rejoice with them. Everything inside me felt numb.
Earlier, when I got up after another disturbing, restless night, I discovered Luke already left the house. But to my surprise, I found a pot of hot coffee waiting for me. It could only mean he’d forgiven my girlish behavior. He also left a note telling me he was at the store, which was a good idea since all we had in the fridge was a few rotten vegetables and moldy bread. I ducked out quickly, leaving a vague note next to his about my whereabouts to avoid any unnecessary questions, but brought my new fully-charged cell phone just in case.
The road to the forest trail seemed lonely as I listened to the crunch of the wet gravel under my shoes. I wanted to laugh out loud at the irony. Every day since I’d met Nicholas, I wanted to return to our meeting spot – until today. Had it only been a few days since we made the trek in the opposite direction? I inhaled and refused to reminisce about the past, pulling my coat tighter around myself.
Soon, too soon in fact, I stood at the mouth of the trail and my heart beat a little faster. Stairs made of railroad ties wove their way down into the dark redwoods below. I questioned my sanity.
After a moment of waffling, I carefully limped down each step. I couldn’t help but remember how nimbly Nicholas carried me up these stairs. It was going to take me an hour at least to traverse them by myself later.
Why did all this happen?
At the end of the stairs, I stepped onto the muddy trail thankful I wore my old sneakers. All the familiar landmarks were welcoming in the daylight and the ominous scariness seemed completely non-existent. No wonder I thought I could walk through here unafraid, even if it was dark.
Unable to help myself, I looked around for evidence of Nicholas’ presence, a foot print, a possible piece of torn fabric off his shirt, maybe even fur from the mountain lion. I rounded the corner and gasped. Someone had ran a tractor through the area, or at least it looked like one did. Huge holes in the ground were all that was left of the trees that once stood and the ones remaining seemed askew with fresh overturned dirt at their trunks. A huge indentation against the trail wall showed evidence something large had been pushed against it, dislodging the soil upwards, widening the fissure in the rock face.
Whoa, did this happen before or after my fall?
Confused, I wandered around and tried to piece the scene together. Nicholas and the mountain lion couldn’t have possibly made all this damage. A pit formed in my stomach as I remembered the hungry feelings from “it” and then shook my head. I still didn’t understand how, for that brief moment in time, I felt its feelings. Maybe it was because I was in mortal danger.
I slowly crept to the edge of the trail and looked down. A piece of the remaining branch stuck out of the earth part way and I gulped. This was the cliff I tumbled over. My fall really did happen and it was a long way down to the creek bed below. Without Nicholas’ help, I would have been a goner falling from this height. Who knows how long I would have been down there, unconscious. Suddenly I felt woozy and I backed away from the edge drawing my arms around myself. I didn’t want to think about the ‘what ifs’.
I sat down on a stump to think as the weight of the past bore down on me. More questions than answers tumbled around in my brain. The closure I desperately craved wasn’t going to be obtained today.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted the protruding tree root that started this whole mess. A broken piece of wood lay next to it on the trail. I picked it up and turned it over in my hands. One side was smooth from where people had walked on it and the underside rough, torn like my heart.
Folding my hands over the wood, I contemplated my next actions. Part of me wanted to keep it and the other, to throw it off the cliff. My goal had been to get rid of the past and leave it here, in the woods with the rest of my demons. But I couldn’t. Too much had happened.
I picked up a sharp rock and carved the date into the smooth side of the wood. And against my better judgment, I carved a heart around the numbers. The pressure broke the piece into two. I laughed. The break went straight down the middle of the heart.
Transfixed, I gazed off into the woods while holding the wood and took the letter from my pocket. The wind blew the trees softly, bringing down large droplets of rain water as though the forest was crying for me. The letter felt heavy in my hand as I read it one last time. I thought I would cry, but I didn’t. Instead, I gently folded the paper around one half of the wooden pieces and threw it off the cliff while tucking the other half in my pocket.
It soared through the air and disappeared out of sight. At the same time, the wind whipped up and tousled my hair. I held my breath, hoping for closure, finding disappointment instead –the whole charade suddenly feeling anticlimactic. Then I felt someone was coming down the trail so I quickly limped back home afraid it would be someone I knew.
. . .
The next morning came and so did the sun.
For once, I actually wanted to go to school, anything to give me a mental break. I planned to take Jo’s advice. There had to be at least one guy at school that I could like. I just wasn’t sure who. The idea seemed insurmountable, but I was willing to try. I needed to do something.
Running late, I rinsed off my breakfast dishes and rushed towards the door, happy I was driving myself today.
“Hey,” Luke said while walking past me into the kitchen sporting a bed-head hair-do. He deeply inhaled. “Is that coffee?”
I turned around and stood in the doorway. “You’re up kinda early?”
Luke scratched his head and filled up his favorite coffee mug. “I have a job interview this morning,” he said with a yawn.
“Really?”
“At Bic’s”
I continued to look confused.
“The auto parts store?” he said with a sarcastic inflection. “I can get a discount if I work there.”
I knew there had to be a catch.
“Oooh,” I said and punched him in the arm before heading out. “Good luck.”
He grimaced.
“Thanks.”
I walked across the lawn and reached in my pocket for my cell phone to text Sam when I noticed a white piece of paper folded up on the ground near my car door. I unlocked the car, put all my junk inside, then fetched the note. My throat went dry as I stared at the words written inside.
Was this note for me?
Baffled, I closed the note and looked around even though I knew I was al
one. Someone had written ‘I’m sorry’ in scratchy masculine-looking lettering and left it unsigned. The penmanship didn’t look familiar.
My mind raced and I quickly thought of who could possibly owe me an apology. My cheeks turned bright red as I imagined Nicholas gawking in the shadows while I threw the letter over the cliff– the letter that revealed all my feelings. Did he retrieve it? No. I would’ve felt it if someone was close by. I was sure I was alone. It had to be someone else. Who else owed me an apology? John maybe?
I got in my car and inconspicuously looked in my mirrors feeling vulnerable. Nothing seemed strange or out of place, but I was beginning to question my abilities. Someone could be watching from far away. I folded up the note, shoved it in my pocket and started my car.
The mental exercise to figure out the anonymous note writer faded after I parked and actually walked to class, free from my horrendous crutches. But I’d forgotten to tell Sam the good news and she was waiting for me at the front of the school.
“Where’s the crutches?” she asked when she saw me.
“Sorry I didn’t tell you. I meant to text but...”
“Yeah, no call or text all weekend? What gives?” Sam put her hands on her hips and acted annoyed.
The guilt of neglecting my best friend hit me. All weekend, I’d spent my energy on myself and I’d not called or texted once like I promised I would.
“Sorry. I forgot. I did get your text though. Thanks.”
Sam let out a sigh. “I was worried. I thought you fell into a deep depression.”
“No,” I said and rolled my eyes at her exaggeration. “But I did make up my mind to move on. I’m done with him, Sam. It’s over.”
I tried to sound convincing.
“That’s good to hear. Well, it’s not like I could talk anyway. I was at Aunt Patrilda’s all weekend for a family reunion. They don’t have cell service where she lives. I felt completely cut off from society.”
We hurried to our lockers as Sam filled me in on her boring weekend with her cousins. I had to tell her about my pedicure experience. She couldn’t believe I’d let fish peck away at my feet. I wanted to mention the weird apology note, but I didn’t have enough time before she rushed off to change for P.E. class.
Just before I turned to walk towards the gym, I noticed someone’s ardent desires and reluctantly turned around. My gaze fell on Justin, a geeky Sophomore with greasy brown hair that rimmed the top of his glasses.
“Hi,” Justin said with a stutter.
Just my luck.
I sighed on the inside. It was obvious where this awkward conversation was headed. Maybe if puberty had been kinder on his pockmarked face, or he was a little taller, I might possibly say yes to going to the dance if he asked, but his feelings left me feeling rather violated.
“Hey,” I said with a straight face while shutting my locker door.
“I, um – ”
A group of Junior cheerleaders walked by and giggled, whispering to each other. I sensed their insecurity, something I felt daily – more so from the popular kids than anyone. Their cruel teasing was only a cover-up of the real truth of how they viewed themselves deep inside.
“Justin,” I said, trying my hardest to protect his ego. “I’m late for class. What do you need?”
His cheeks flushed and fear hit 7.0 on the Richter scale.
“Oh, nothing.”
He took off down the hall.
Shaking Justin’s feelings off, I walked to class and sat alone on the bleachers as my classmates filed in one by one. Ms. Andrews split them up into teams to play volleyball. My doctor’s note was good until the end of the week and I planned to milk every day of it. And lucky for me, since the fields were drenched from the rain, the guys were playing basketball indoors. I shimmied down the bench inconspicuously, hoping Ms. Andrews wouldn’t catch me so I could watch the boys play.
My eyes were drawn towards the new guy with sandy blonde hair who just started school a few days ago – someone more my type. I wondered why I hadn’t noticed his surfer physique with broad shoulders and a strong upper body before today. He also had impressive basketball skills.
His charisma was evident in his camaraderie between the other players. But the real test would be if he was as nice on the inside as he appeared on the outside; that was if we ever met.
The distraction of watching the guys worked and before I realized it, the bell rang. I took off, hoping to find a warmer classroom in History. Being the first student to arrive, I tried to act busy until Sam came and sat next to me. Mr. Marshall was writing dates on the blackboard, preparing to review for our test tomorrow. Since I’d been daydreaming in class all week, I’d not taken any notes and stared at the unfamiliar topics on the board. I thought my life was over, until I read Open Note Test at the bottom. With relief and after my fingers defrosted, I asked to borrow Sam’s notes.
“You going to the bonfire tonight?” she whispered.
“Bonfire? I hadn’t heard about it.”
“Some of the Seniors on the football team are getting together and Todd invited me to go,” she said, filled with anxiety and excitement.
“Oh… I don’t know,” I said with apprehension, imagining the overly amorous environment. “I… have a lot of homework to do.”
Her sudden disappointment and fear told me she wasn’t asking me to go, she needed me to go.
“Really? Can you work on it after school?”
Her doe-like eyes were more than I could bear.
“Okay. I’ll try,” I said, feeling the atmosphere change in the classroom.
Mr. Marshall had stopped lecturing and the silence was deafening. I looked up and met the source of the invisible loathing I sensed. My cheeks grew flushed and I quickly looked down and acted like I was writing, praying the silence would stop. I was relieved when he started lecturing again.
Going to a senior bonfire sounded very intimidating to me. I’d never been invited to one by that crowd before. In the past, I figured I was overlooked because I wasn’t a cheerleader, rich, or good looking enough. But that was fine with me. Tonight though, I would be totally out of my element, especially if Sam left me to be alone with Todd. The more I thought about it, the more I regretted that I said I would go.
English and Chemistry were a blur and before I knew it, it was time for lunch. My appetite came back and something in the cafeteria smelled appetizing today. I scanned the room to find Sam when I noticed the new guy standing at the end of the line. My heart quickened at the thought of actually trying to start a conversation with him.
I mustered up courage and walked quickly to stand behind him before a chatty group of freshmen got there first.
“Hi,” I said with a little smile.
He turned, flashing baby blue eyes at me and my heart did flip flops.
“Hi,” he said, smiling back.
I noticed his perfectly straight and incredibly white teeth. Close up, he was way cuter than from a distance on the basketball court. His darling dimples, coupled with his admiration of me, made my mouth feel like it was full of cotton balls.
“Are you new here?” I asked with a squeak and then felt stupid for asking such a dumb question.
“Yeah, I’m Phil.” He extended his hand to shake mine. When we touched his free-spirited happy aura infused me deeper and calmed my nervousness.
“Nice to meet you,” he said.
“I’m Julia… Julia Parker,” I gushed. “Did you… just move here?”
“Yeah, from Los Angeles.”
“Really? I’m from Los Angeles too. What part?”
“I’m from the Valley, but my Dad got transferred, so we had to move.” His distress amplified. He must have missed home. “Is the pizza any good?”
I was concentrating on his feelings and missed the question.
“Pizza?” I fumbled. “Oh, it’s okay, I guess.”
He grabbed a slice and winked. “I’ll know soon enough.”
I followed in suit. I wanted to take a
slice of chocolate cake, but decided I should grab a banana instead.
“We used to live in the Valley too. Well, when I was a kid. We moved to be closer to family. My Dad’s a computer consultant,” I said, feeling comfortable to share. “I’m not sure what that means, but he’s gone a lot. What does your dad do?”
“My dad is an engineer. He builds computer chips. Wasn’t too bad moving here. At least I’m still close to the beach, but this school needs to loosen up.”
With his free hand, Phil leaned into me and put his arm around my shoulder.
“Take that guy over there,” he whispered in my ear. “He’s trying to score, but he’s doing it all wrong and she’s not buying it.”
Brad, a sophomore, was a bit too loud and his laughter a little too forced while talking to a pretty freshman I knew he liked.
“If he’d just loosen up, talk to her like he talks to his buddies, she’ll eat it up. Trust me.”
I smiled and nodded my head amazed at how at home I felt under Phil’s arm. I found I didn’t want him to move it away. I was disappointed when we got to the cash register and he let me go to get his wallet.
“I’m getting hers and mine,” he told the lady.
I blushed. I’d never had a guy buy my lunch before.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. It was really nice to meet you,” he said and he turned and walked in the other direction. “I’ll catch you around.”
I just stood there and watched him go sit with the guys he was hanging out with at P.E. class.
“He was cute, who is he?” Katie asked as I walked up to our table at the other end of the cafeteria.
“Phil. He just moved here,” I said, a little stunned, trying to make heads or tails of what just happened.
“What, no more… what’s his name?” Katie snapped her fingers repetitively. “…Nicholas?”
I shot her a glare. She was the queen of being fickle when it came to boys. How dare she question me when I was just being friendly?
“I just said ‘hi’. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Talisman 1 - The Emerald Talisman Page 9
