by Amy Briggs
I tried to smile as much as I could and worked to not think about what I was going to do with myself at thirty-two years old with no parents left. When you’re little, your thirties seem so old, but here I am, and I’m not ready to have no parents. I’m not ready to let go. Sure, I had the fire department, and I had my aunt, and Matt of course, but I was basically out of family and it was starting to hit me hard, causing a pain in my chest that felt like a hole being drilled right through my heart. As I felt that hole get bigger, my eyes started to well up. Well shit, here it comes, now I’m going to cry.
Last to come through the line was Brian. He gave my aunt a kiss on the cheek, and stopped in front of me. He was obviously sexy, but he looked so well put together and handsome in his uniform. He reminded me of my dad a little, looking very serious and very much in charge. I'd tried to avoid eye contact, I was not liking how he was consuming my thoughts throughout the day today and at this point, I was definitely going to cry at any moment and I didn’t want to do that in front of him or anyone else for that matter.
Fuck she’s beautiful. Seeing those steely blue eyes filled with tears, I just wanted to grab her and take her someplace away from all this madness. These things can get really crowded, and with someone as awesome as her dad, I knew this would happen. I watched her from the back of the room for two hours, just smiling at people, sharing stories, thanking them for coming, I don’t know how she can look so calm. She’s a fucking warrior. The thing is, when this many firefighters, cops and EMTs get together, it becomes overwhelming, even for some of us that know to expect it, and that includes her. She’s a firefighter, one of ours, and always will be, even if she isn’t riding with us right now. There’s stories to tell, guys you haven’t seen in forever, and then the responsibility of looking after the family. It can be a lot to deal with, when they’re grieving themselves. Everyone would want to share their “Jack story” with her. Jo knew all of that, but something inside me wanted to protect her anyway. I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let anyone know that. I didn’t go through the receiving line with my department when we arrived, I hung back and kept an eye on things, not quite ready to face her.
Once it was time for me to go up there, I had to say something. “Jo, are you okay? I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I’m so sorry about your dad. I’m sure you know how I felt about him.”
“I’m fine, Brian. Congratulations on your promotion. I’ll be by sometime next week to get both his and my stuff from the station.” she said calmly.
“That’s not even a little bit important right now. Please let me know if there's anything that I, or the guys can do to help you out. You know we're all family.” And I meant that.
“I’m okay, thank you.” She gave me a quick, friendly hug. I felt an electric charge, and I could smell the orange blossom or whatever it was in her hair. I had to walk away, immediately. It was not okay to have those thoughts about her, and definitely not at that moment.
I was Jack’s Deputy Chief, and was recently appointed to take his position temporarily, possibly full time later. As far as I was concerned, that meant looking out for everything he cared about, which included Jo, whether she liked it or not. The last time we had a real conversation just between the two of us, she told me what a fucking asshole I was. She also mentioned how I needed to grow up, and how she felt that I wasn’t the person she thought I was. I’ve been thinking about that conversation a lot this week, but at the time, I was only concerned about my career and getting laid. Messing around with her wasn’t going to make either of those things work. So, maybe she was right. Today, I’d sent the Ladies Auxilliary to Jack’s house to handle the reception, so Jo could stay here as long as she wanted before going back to the house and continuing to entertain people. It was the one small thing I could do, and since she did speak to my brother a billion times a day, he helped me arrange her okay with it.
I went back to my post at the back of the room and watched the last of the people trickle through. The crowd had dwindled as people were leaving to go to the reception, and I saw Jo’s demeanor change suddenly. She went from a wistful sadness to what appeared to be pissed off in an instant. Some guy that I sort of recognized, but wasn’t sure from where, was standing next to her and as I watched, he grabbed her arm. What the fuck was that about? I watched my brother grab the guy’s arm, and motion for him to leave. I saw red. I rushed to the front of the room, grabbed the clown by his jacket lapels and got in his face.
“Is there a problem here?” I snarled at him.
“You need to get the fuck off me, bro. I’m talking to my girlfriend right now, you can back the fuck up.” I looked over at Jo to confirm what this jackass was saying.
“I’m not your goddamn girlfriend, you fucking asshole, and you have absolutely no business being here. This isn’t the time or the place, and regardless, we have nothing to discuss. Please leave.” she literally hissed at him. She turned toward me and my brother. “Brian, Matt, it’s fine. Danny, please leave, you don’t belong here.” She pointed to the door.
“Fine, I’ll leave because you’re causing a scene at your own father’s funeral, but we aren’t done talking, Josephine. Not by a long shot.” The douche stormed out of the funeral home.
“Well that was fucking perfect. Sorry, Dad.” Jo said to the sky. “Thank you both for being here, I really do appreciate it.” She huffed. “I think it’s time to get back to dad’s house so I can hug some more strangers and hear fish stories about my dad. At least I can have a drink there, cause damn, I sure need one.”
“Well, I’ll take you there now and we’ll do some drinking for your old man,” Matt said. She smiled and walked toward the door with her aunt who didn’t respond to the scene at all, and Matt hung back to talk to me.
"What the fuck was that all about, man? That guy is a douche. Are they seriously together?”
“That was Danny, Jo’s ex boyfriend, the lying, manipulative Fire Inspector from Station 19. He went to the academy with me and Jo and was a prick then too. Well he never got any better, and somehow, they dated for the last year, and big shocker, he cheated on her the entire time. Anyway, she has some stuff at their old apartment together she wants to get back. He wants to get back together and he thought today, at the funeral, would be the perfect time to approach her about this.” His eyes got big, letting me know he thought it was a dumbshit idea just like I did. I’m actually kind of surprised Jo didn’t punch him right in the throat.
“That guy is a dick. What the fuck did she date him for? We need to go get whatever shit she left there for her.” I’d be damned if I let her go anywhere with that guy. I couldn’t believe he'd grabbed her, I’d like to rip him apart for that alone.
“I honestly don’t know why she dated him. I was actually going to ask for your help, I wasn’t sure you would though.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I was offended.
“Listen, Jo and I never discussed whatever it was that happened between you two last year before she started dating, Danny the Douchebag, but it’s no secret that something went down. I know you haven’t spoken more than two words at a time since then, and it’s fucking awkward, man. I don’t really want to know but I know you well enough to know you can’t keep your dick in your pants with the ladies, so how about you not do that to my best friend who not only lost her dad, your boss, but is basically family to us.”
Now I was mad. “I’m not going to talk about that with you now, but I will tell you that I would do anything to help her out. That’s it. Just call me later and let me know what you need. I’m going to meet the guys at her dad’s, I’ll see you there.”
I was fucking pissed. I know what I did, and at the time, it seemed smart, but now I felt like a fucking asshole. It gave me a pain in my gut thinking that I might have hurt her and drove her into the arms of that prick; although I didn’t think I did at the time. I glanced over in her direction, and she nodded back at me, but it was icy and expressionless. Her black dress hugged her body in
all the right places, and those fucking heels. Goddamn, I wanted to bend her over a chair and fuck her until she saw stars. And there it was, she still made my dick hard as a rock and I needed to go before that became noticed.
What the fuck was Danny thinking showing up at my dad's funeral? Thankfully, Matt was with me, and before it got really nasty, Brian came up to help too. That was nice, but also kind of strange. I never even saw him coming, he just appeared and grabbed Danny. Every time I glanced in his direction today, he was staring at me. Piercing me with those goddamn green eyes that I couldn’t stop thinking about. What the fuck for? I wanted to hate him, but I also kind of wanted him to punch Danny in the face for me, and I actually think he might have done it if I’d asked. I’ll have to deal with Danny another day.
I waited outside with my aunt for Matt to finish talking to Brian so we could leave for the reception back at my dad’s. Well it was my home now, but still definitely felt like his. Matt chauffeured us to a reception full of well-wishers, most of which I had just talked to at the funeral home. I saw many of these people on a regular basis, but my aunt didn’t have the privilege of hearing the stories about him retold over and over, so I wanted her to enjoy that. When a lot of firefighters, cops, EMTs get together, it’s a lot of storytelling. If you don’t do it for a living, it can be really fun to hear what people have to share, and I knew Aunt Molly would love that.
After awhile, I went to go get some air out back, and found Brian leaning against the railing on my back deck, just staring off into space.
“Hey there, what are you doing back here?” I asked him. I felt a little smile form on my face, I wasn't entirely sure why, but I was happy to see him and had a little flutter in my chest. He took his sunglasses off as I got closer and smiled back.
“I’m so sorry, Jo, for everything,” he took a deep breath in. “I miss him a lot.” I could see his beautiful green eyes start to look glassy from tears and I took the two steps closer and reached out to embrace him. He pulled me into his broad chest with his muscled arms, and hugged me. I mean seriously hugged me, holding on tightly, as if he needed to. I could feel his warm breath on my neck, giving me chills. It sounded like he was trying to hold back tears from the way his breath hitched. I pulled away from the hug to look at him, those sparkling eyes were now bloodshot and sad. I reached up to touch his face and smiled again. I could see that he was truly hurting over the loss of my dad, they were very close and had been working side by side for several years now. My heart ached for him, I wasn’t used to seeing him this torn up over a loss, or anything else for that matter, and yet I completely understood.
I hadn’t been very nice to Brian the last year, I took a huge blow to my ego and skid marks were left across my heart when he blatantly rejected me and I wanted to hide my hurt and anger. That didn’t change how I truly felt about him deep inside my core, buried deep so no one would know. I fell in love with Brian when I was sixteen-years-old, I’d always loved him and quite possibly always would. Seeing him like this, tearing up over losing my dad, tugged at my heart strings, bringing those old feelings right back to the surface in an instant. I wanted to comfort him the way I needed to be comforted. I wanted to make him feel better, not so alone in his grief. I know that my father was the only father Brian had ever really known, and their bond was special and unique, as was his loss.
“You know you were very important to him, right? Not just at work. He loved you and Matt as much as he loved me really.” He gave me a much bigger smile then, looking like he might even laugh.
“How do you always know how to make people smile?” Leaning in close to me again, he rested his chin on top of my head for a moment, hugging me again. He smelled so good, I inhaled his manly scent and forgot about the day for just a moment, lost with him. He let me go, and moved to lean back on the railing of the deck and put his sunglasses back on. Mine were still on top of my head, so I slid them down and took up the spot next to him, letting out an audible sigh.
“Anytime. That’s one of the many things that our little family is for.” I gave him a little elbow to his rock hard abs and mused to myself a bit. It was kind of nice just hanging out with Brian, not uncomfortable at all. The last time we were alone ended in an argument about a kiss we shared, which seemed unlikely to happen at this moment thankfully. I thought about it quietly, hoping that maybe we were past the point of avoiding each other, and potentially leaving room for us to be friends again. I’d always want more, but I’d certainly have taken friendship over nothing at all.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but I realized I had been gone for a bit, and needed to get back to the reception. “I’ve got to go back in and say goodbye to some people, but anytime you want to talk, you know where to find me,” I gave him a tiny peck on the cheek, leaving me with a little electrical charge.
“Thanks, Jo, and obviously the same here. We’ll talk later okay?” he said as I walked back inside.
Finally, the reception was over. My aunt had decided to head back to her place, which was about two hours away. I was staying at my dad’s, like I have been since I moved out of Danny’s apartment. I never saw Brian leave, but I was now alone, like I felt I needed to be. Truthfully, I’d had enough men and firefighters, and questions about my life to last me a lifetime. I felt like I might be able to be friends with Brian again and that was nice too even if deep down I’d always want more. I wanted to drink, and I wanted to forget about being sad. Or maybe I wanted to think. Either way, I definitely wanted some quiet. I sent Matt home with the rest of the guys, they were all going out to the local watering hole.
It had been a couple hours since everyone left, and I wandered around my dad’s house, touching pictures, talking to myself as if talking to him. What am I supposed to do now without you here? I heard a knock on the screen door and jumped. It was Florida, and a typical 80 degrees in October, but no humidity so I had the door open for some fresh air.
“I’m sorry I scared you, may I come in?” Those green eyes penetrated right through me. Brian was dressed in a black t-shirt, jeans that hung low on his hips and showed just a bit of that V leading to…oh you know. His beautifully sculpted arms were covered in tattoos that I couldn’t admire earlier today, and I think I forgot to reply while assessing him as he repeated his question. “Jo, can I come in and talk to you?”
“Oh, yeah sure, come on in, Brian. Did you need something?” Besides fucking me on this recliner? I obviously need to stop drinking, there’s something wrong with me.
“No, I don’t need anything at all. I wanted to come and see you, check on you really. After the drama with your ex, and well, just everything, I wanted to make sure you’re alright.” He looked like he meant it, but I was in no mood at that point in my day. I was feeling kind of angry about life and losing my dad and I didn’t want to be bothered. I'd been nice and understanding all day and while I did love admiring him physically, and daydreaming about those arms around me, he definitely wanted to come and play Chief of the Department with me right now and I wasn’t up for it.
“Look, Brian, it’s me, not some random civilian that doesn’t get how this all works. You don’t have to come over here out of obligation from the department and take care of anything. I’m perfectly capable of handling my shit. I appreciate you having words with Danny earlier today, but I can certainly take care of that situation myself,” I was being mean, and I felt bad, but didn’t stop myself. I felt like lashing out at someone, and he was an easy target.
“Listen here, Jo. I’ve known you your entire life, you can be pissed off at me, the fire service, the world, or whatever you want, sweetheart, but it is my responsibility to look after you whether you like it or not and not just because I’m the Chief. And while we’re at it, we're eventually going to talk about what happened last year, because we can’t keep ignoring each other forever. Today was the first time we’ve spoken more than two words to each other since last year. You need to let me be here for you now!” he raised his voice, ma
king me angry and turned on at the same time.
I got in his face and put my hand on his broad chest in a gesture to push him away, but he didn’t move an inch. “I don’t need anyone’s help, definitely not yours. Thanks for stopping by.” He stood in front of me without moving just like a statue, and it was as if there was a magnet between us. I didn’t move my hand either, it was glued to him giving me a warm static charge I couldn’t let go of. I stared into his eyes, full of fire and wasn’t sure whether this was a standoff or we were going to just argue about it, then he did it. He kissed me. For the second time in my life, he kissed me, drawing me into him like a tornado, consuming all of me.
I didn’t know why I did it, but I grabbed her face and planted my lips on hers in a kiss like no other, and she let me. She didn’t push me away, she let me devour her; it was so fucking hot, my cock was hard in an instant. Holy shit, she tasted like strawberries and wine, I wanted to ravage her. I ran one hand through her beautiful short hair, and the other I used to pull her close into me; she had to feel how fucking hard I was. She gave in, and even let out a sexy little moan as I shoved her up against the wall by the door where I walked in, and started to kiss her neck, inhaling her intoxicating scent.
After a moment, I stopped and looked into her dark gray eyes. “Look at me, Jo.” I ordered her as she tried to look away. She obeyed and I swear to God, something inside me melted. Literally, I felt like my insides were turning to fucking jello. What is going on here?
“Brian, you should go. I don’t know what that was about, but we're obviously both grieving in our own ways, and I don’t want us to do something we'll certainly regret.” I didn’t want to let go of her. She was wrong—this was something else entirely, it wasn’t my grief or my desire to console her. It was something different.
