by Amy Briggs
“Let’s have coffee, Mama, unless you’ve decided it’s whiskey time?” I loved teasing her. She only drank when things were really bad, or really good.
“It’s one in the afternoon, Brian Patrick. We Cavanaugh’s don’t do that unless times are tough. Are times tough?” she gave me a furrowed brow and a concerned look as she led me to her sitting room which was super traditional old school old lady. I loved my mama, however this room was the room you weren’t allowed in until you were an adult, the furniture looked so comfortable when I was younger, and then when you finally were allowed in as an adult, you wanted to go back to the kids' room where you could actually get comfortable on the furniture. She had flowered chairs, and the most uncomfortable couch on earth in this room, but you were an adult in this room. She led me to the sitting room, and then rushed herself off to the kitchen to make coffee.
“Mama, you don’t have to do that, I’m a grown man, I can get coffee. I came to visit with you." She was getting older, and with Jack’s passing, it made me think of my lineage, and how my mama was no spring chicken. I don’t want her fussing over me of all people. I did however, know better, so I sat my ass on the old fashioned flowered couch where I knew she wanted to sit across from me and I waited for her to come back with coffee.
A few minutes later, she returned, probably because Matt and I bought her a fancy automatic coffee machine with pods so she wouldn’t get out the ancient multi person brew pot she used to. She handed me a cup and I took a sip and pursed my lips from the fire that the whiskey sent chasing down my throat.
“Holy cow, Mama, what he hel—heck?” I tried not to curse in front of her unless it was the holidays and we were all drunk. She laughed at me.
“I know you need it, my love. Something must be happening in your life for you to come by unannounced. If it makes you feel better, I have a splash in my tea, in case it’s too much for me to handle,” she winked at me and sat down on the same couch as me, turning herself to me.
“Mama, I can’t just come to see you and check in?” I asked. She was onto me. I didn’t swing by as often as I should.
“Don’t play a game you did not invent, my child. I know you are here searching for something, so let’s get to it. I have plenty to keep me busy in my grief over my dear friend,” she was referring to Jack, and I felt like I knew something had happened there. “How is my dear dear, Josephine?” she asked me. My heart sank even further, which I didn’t think was possible.
“Uh, she’s okay?” I made it a question. “I’ve talked to her a lot the last week or so. I got her to come back to our station sort of full-time,” I again, said it like a question I was asking for approval.
“Your feelings are no secret, my love. What happened that made you come here for comfort? I know you, love, and I know your ways…Has something happened? Talk to your mama…” she patted the couch between us. My mom’s voice was so soft and soothing, with that faint Irish accent. The sweetness in her voice always made everyone want to spill their guts to her. She was everyone’s mama.
“Mama, everything is fuc—messed up, and I don’t know what to do about it. Jo is going to come back to Station 23, so me and Jack’s plan worked, but…” I just didn’t really know how to say it.
“But you’re in love with her,” she finished my sentence for me and smiled. I let out a huge sigh that I'd been holding in since the day before when I talked to Jo last. I didn’t say anything at all and she continued. “Why does this leave you exasperated, Brian? Does she know how you feel?”
I looked up at her, how did she know? “Not really, no, I don’t think she knows how I feel, but I do know she doesn’t want anything to do with me except for working together I guess. I don’t know what to do and I thought I could just let it go, but Mama, I’m sick over it. I’ve never felt this way about a woman before, and it’s like my brain doesn’t even work right now.” It’s true. I couldn’t see straight without knowing she was mine. “She is grá mo chroí”. I admitted to my mom.
“Ah, she is your eternal love.” Now mama was smiling so big she looked like she would laugh.
“Why do you look like you’re going to laugh? This isn’t funny. This is terrible.” I poured the rest of my coffee down, feeling the burn of the whiskey all the way down to my stomach.
She grinned and got up and went to the liquor cabinet. She pulled out two tumblers and poured us both a healthy amount of Jamison’s. “Well my dear,” she said as she passed one to me, then clinked my glass with hers, “Jack and I always knew this would happen eventually,” she giggled and took a sip of her whiskey.
“What are you talking about? Jack told me to stay away from her,” I recalled that conversation in my head again.
“I know exactly what Jack said to you. He didn’t tell you to stay away from her. He told you not to lust after her like a conquest. I also know that he told you that you would have his blessing when you were really ready for what that sweet girl deserves,” she said matter-of-factly, and sat back down on the couch looking pretty satisfied with herself. “It seems you are now ready, so tell me, why doesn’t she want to be with you?”
“How do you know all of this, Mama?” I was now very sure she had a relationship with Jack and I was kind of mad about it.
“Jack and I had a very special friendship, Brian. You and Matt were like sons to him, and he was a wonderful person to us especially in our time of need. Jack and I were very close and he often came by to check in on us, and we talked. You don't get an opinion on this, your mama is a grown woman you know.” She looked away and I could see the hurt and sadness of his passing in her teary eyes.
“I’m sorry.” I really was sorry. If she loved Jack half as much as I loved Jo, her sadness breaks my heart too.
“It’s fine, we all go eventually. Jack and I often talked of the dangers of the job for him, and for you boys, and for Jo of course. Now, tell me why you think she doesn’t want to be with you, and why you are so sure this cannot be fixed.” My mama thought everything could be fixed. With whiskey and hugs mostly, which was actually mostly true if you really think about it.
“Well, we started seeing each other…secretly,” I waited for a reply or judgment, but she just motioned for me to continue. “After a little bit, I told her about how Jack and I wanted her to come back to our station and work with us, and the old crew, and she seemed to like the idea. Then we got a call, and we went out to handle it, basically like old times, great teamwork, everyone got saved, the whole thing. But…” I really didn’t want to tell my mom what a dickhead caveman I was at the scene, but I had to come clean.
“Go on, Brian, you may as well tell me, because you know if you don’t I will just call Matty and ask him later,” she winked at me. I gave a little sarcastic laugh. When she wanted answers, she got them, so I drank the rest of the whiskey in my glass and told her.
“Honestly, I didn’t treat her like one of the guys on my crew. I was overprotective, and unprofessional about it and gave her a hard time because I wanted to protect her. And she was mad. Mama, really really mad. I was a jerk. I thought it was just a little argument, and that we’d talk about it later, and she didn’t want any part of it. She said that she wanted to come back to the station full-time, but we couldn’t see each other anymore. I had to decide if it was going to work for me or not. I wanted her to be happy, and I knew that being at Jack’s station is what she wants in her heart, so I let her go. I didn’t fight for her,” I hung my head. Getting the full story off my chest was a relief, but didn’t take away the pain in my chest that her absence had left.
“Oh my dear, I’m quite certain this can be fixed. But I’m going to give you the hard truth, as you do to your boys down at the firehouse,” she lowered her eyes at me, and looked at me over her glasses. Oh shit.
“Okay, Mama, shoot,” I said and took in a big breath.
“Man up,” she said. She took her whiskey down, and put her glass on the coffee table and looked at me.
“What?” I
almost choked. That was her advice?
“You heard me, son. Man up. You love this girl? Go fight for her. Go get her. Don’t sulk and whine like a little baby. You go tell her the truth, and you tell her how you feel. She'll see you're serious. A serious man fights for his woman. This I know.” And with that, she folded her arms; was clearly done with her advice.
I thought about it for a moment, and realized she was right. I was a total pussy not to stop her in my office. We were tired, she was mad and I just let her go. What the fuck kind of way is that to show a woman you love her? I needed to get a plan together for getting her back, for good.
“Mama, you’re right. I’m gonna get her back. Thank you,” I scooped her into a big hug and wouldn’t let go.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart, sometimes we need someone to point out the obvious to us because we cannot see what’s right in front of us.”
I got up to leave, and then decided I better tell her that Matt and I weren’t speaking before she heard about it.
“I forgot to tell you that Matty knows about this, at least some of it, and he’s pretty pissed off at me right now too,” I started to put my hand over my mouth for saying pissed.
She waved her hand at me and laughed a bit, “Oh I know. He called me this morning and told me everything.” She already knew everything I had come to tell her. She's a wily woman; I couldn’t even be mad. I needed the kick in the pants, we all do sometimes.
“I’m not even mad,” I laughed.
“You have no reason to be. You need to set things right with your brother though. He loves Josephine too in his own way. Those two have always been very close, and he feels like you betrayed a trust, a sacred bond. He doesn’t understand true love yet, but he will someday, and you can teach him once you get your affairs in order. But until then, he wants to protect her from getting hurt too, just in a different way. Go see him, he will talk to you, I made sure of it,” she instructed me.
“Okay, Mama I will. I’ll go talk to him later tonight,” I gave her another hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, Mama. I’m gonna make her my wife, you’ll see.”
“I have no doubt that you will, my love. I have something for you, hold on a moment,” She walked back to her bedroom and came back with a small box, and put it in my hand.
“What’s this?” It looked like a ring box.
“This is a gift that Jack gave to me a long time ago, and I think that it's the perfect thing for you to give Josephine when you set things right. Now go,” she shooed me out of the house. I didn’t open the box, I needed to go home and formulate my plan and talk to Matt. Time to make Jo mine. For good. Operation MJM, “Make Jo Mine”. Yeah, it was game on.
I had about four days to get my shit together, and be okay seeing Brian at work on a regular basis. I had managed to get a couple other guys to take some of my shifts at 19. Towards the end of the time frame, I was looking to leave, so I should only have to put in another two, maybe three shifts here before getting on the schedule over at Station 23 more or less full time.
It had been a slow afternoon at the station, and I was only here for a quick six-hour shift. I was covering for another guy that had kids, and there was some kind of event at his kid’s school. Matt and I had been texting since I woke up, and he wanted me to come out for beers tonight, which I really didn’t want to do, but I had no reasonable excuse not to. It would be better than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself, but I wasn't convinced it was the best idea. I did want to talk to him about how uncomfortable Danny had been making me with his comments and looks lately. I’d been avoiding him like the plague and I just felt like something was up with that. Hopefully tonight wasn't a “gathering” and it won’t be all the guys, and Brian of course. I’d love a night to chill out and talk to Matt. I just didn’t want to see Brian, until I figured out how to cope with the situation. I was going to have to pretend that I’m perfectly okay with the things that I said, which honestly I wasn't. I regretted it. In my panties I regretted it, and in my heart I regretted it, but my brain came out on top this time.
Matt filled me in about some new girl he met that sounded about as interesting as watching cement dry, when our tones dropped for a car accident. I was actually covering for the first officer that afternoon, so I shoved my phone in my shirt pocket, and headed for the truck. Stepping into my gear, I got that same rush I always do from emergency response.
As we were pulling out of the station, Danny was pulling in and gave me what I’d call a death stare. He glared at me in such a way that pierced me with his glassy eyes. Hey, it’s not my fault we got a call, and I never told him to come here to talk to me in the first place. Station 19 does not have a heavy rescue truck like Station 23 does, and so often we called for them to join us on a car accident because they have some of the tools for a bigger job. This was a tractor trailer accident, sounds like it flipped on it’s side and no one was hurt, but we called for them to join us anyway, just in case. It wasn’t my shift that would be working, they all got off at 7am this morning, so at least I wouldn’t see Brian there. And it was 19’s scene anyway, even if he were there, he wouldn’t be in charge of this one.
We got to the scene, and it was more of a big mess than anything else. The driver of the vehicle had “lost control”, hit the guard wall, and flipped his semi on its side. He was standing around yelling about some mystery car that cut him off and caused the accident. The semi was filled with citrus. Lemons, oranges, limes and grapefruits were everywhere. Literally all over the road, and a whole bunch of them had gotten smooshed into the road already from passers by, and it smelled delightful. We were all chuckling about it, and working on cleaning up the mess so the truck could be hauled away and become someone else’s problem when I saw Brian’s Chief truck pull up.
Come on, seriously? What’s he doing here? It’s not even his day to work. I tried not to stare, and to just do my job, but I wanted to see what he was doing there. My heart started racing as he got out of his truck and walked over to the on scene commander for a minute, then went over to see his crew. It wasn’t station 23’s mess to clear up and they would probably be released from the scene as soon as enough of the mess was cleaned up to open the roadway back up. I looked away, but I swear I could feel him looking at me. I was wearing my bunker pants, t-shirt and helmet, but no coat because there was really no danger, and as usual it was pretty hot out. I thought about our argument the last time we were on scene together and chuckled to myself; today I’m wearing a uniform shirt which is navy blue with the fire department insignia on the chest. There would be no public sweaty show today, so there, Chief.
I couldn’t help myself, I looked over his way and he was staring in my direction, wearing jeans and a t-shirt that accentuated those beautiful muscles of his. His visible tattoos on his arms were so sexy, and he was standing with the officer of the 23 truck, with his arms folded in front of him, and his sunglasses on. He must have been on his way somewhere, or on his way back from somewhere because he lives on my side of town. It was none of my business what he was doing, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt desire rising within me just from seeing him, and I think I was staring, because he smiled right at me. Oh shit, I got caught staring. Fuck me.
I shook myself from my Brian trance, and helped my crew finish up what we were doing. I tried not to look in his direction again. I saw him leave out of the corner of my eye, as we were winding up, and his guys got sent home. It took a little longer than expected to wrap up; citrus can be a little unruly—who knew? I had about an hour left in my shift by the time we got back to the station, and Danny was in the day room, presumably, waiting to talk to me.
After I put my gear back, I went over to talk to him. “Did you want to talk about my schedule?”
He looked up from the paperwork he was reviewing. “Yeah, that’s why I’m sitting here waiting for you.” He was curt with me.
“I can’t help when there’s a call, Danny, so lose the attitude,” I didn’t know what his pr
oblem was, but I didn’t need his shit today.
“Yea, I get it. What’s the deal with your schedule?”
“I’m going to take myself out of the per diem rotation for awhile. Well indefinitely actually. I’ve been offered a more steady gig, and I’ve decided that it would suit me better to have a more normal schedule, so I’m going to take it. I have two more shifts here this week; I got the rest covered.” That pretty much summed it up. I waited for a response and got a smirk.
“Going back to daddy’s old station I assume?” he asked smugly.
I was pissed. “Yes, I am. It’s closer to my house, I grew up there, and they’re offering me a full-time spot, so yes.” Fuck you, Danny, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
“Fucking the Chief over there now?” he demanded, his anger beginning to show.
I didn’t even know I was going to do it until it happened, but I slapped him right across the face. I could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble for that, and honestly I didn’t care, even if I didn’t plan it, he deserved it.
“Wow,” he said as he rubbed his cheek where I hit him. “Sensitive subject, eh?” he laughed at me. He laughed at me.
“No, Danny it’s not,” I lied. “It’s actually none of your fucking business, this was about a job opportunity. And you don’t get to talk to me like that. What the fuck is your problem?”
“No problem, Jo. No problem at all.” That smug look of his was infuriating me. “I’m sorry if I offended you. How’s going through your dad’s stuff? Have you gone through all of those notebooks of his yet?”
Now he wanted to make nice? The guy was a dick; I honestly have no idea what I ever saw in him. I did just hit him though, so I figured I would make a little bit nice. “No, I haven’t gone through them yet, probably this weekend. I need to make sure there’s nothing in the notebooks that needs to be sorted.” Who knows what’s in all of those notebooks, my dad journaled in addition to keeping meticulous call notes. I definitely wanted to read his journals, but I didn’t even know if they’re all in the same place. I hadn’t really gone in his room yet to poke around.
