“Thank you,” she said, looking at me shyly as I tossed the towel in her hamper.
“You’re welcome,” I said, running my hand through my hair. “I… I should go.”
She nodded. I was glad that she didn’t look put off by that at all, that she seemed to understand this had to be a one-night, strictly casual thing.
“Goodnight,” she said to me in a soft voice.
I left her in her bedroom, trying not to let my guilt overcome me.
9
Louis
I rolled off the couch when I heard the knock on the door, hitting the floor in a way that knocked the wind out of me. I caught my breath before getting up, grumbling as I blinked myself awake. I went to the door and opened it to see Xavier there, a wild look on his face.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I’m always here,” I grumbled, looking at the clock to see that it was two in the morning. “What the hell are you doing here?”
He frowned. “You should really go home, you know.”
I didn’t say anything, but waited for him to answer the question.
“I—Jesus—I fucked up,” he said, a stressed look on his face.
I sighed. “Come in,” I said, and he shut the door behind us. I poured us both a drink and passed one over, sitting on the couch.
“What did you do?” I asked him.
“I saw Victoria tonight. To apologize.”
“Uh oh,” I said. “How’d that go?”
“God—we ended up back at her place. I don’t really know how it happened.”
“You don’t know how it happened?” I said. An irritation in the back of my mind nagged at me, something like annoyance and jealousy.
“No,” he said. “I don’t.”
“How does something like that just happen by accident, Xavier?” I asked him sharply. I didn’t know why my voice was coming out so angrily. He looked at me in surprise; it wasn’t who I was, but I was irritated with his words and the fact that he couldn’t seem to keep his hands off of Victoria.
“We were talking about how tense it was between us and she suggested, uh, breaking the tension,” he said.
“Do you think it worked?” I asked.
“I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.”
“This is a mistake, Xavier,” I said to him.
“I know,” he said miserably. “I know, I just—”
“You need to get your shit together,” I said. “She’s our employee.”
“Louis, I—”
“It’s unacceptable,” I said to him in a firm voice.
“You’re right,” he said after a long moment. “There’s no excuse.”
“There’s not,” I said. “Don’t let it happen again.”
He shook his head, standing up.
“Go home and get some real sleep, Louis,” he said.
I could tell he was irritated with my lack of support but I didn’t care; I was annoyed with him and just wanted him gone.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said to him and watched him leave. I sighed and lay back down on the couch, staring at the ceiling, thinking of Victoria and what it might be like to kiss her.
The next morning, I woke up with my head spinning, a knock at my door. I got up to see Victoria standing there and immediately remembered what Xavier had said the night before.
“I really don’t have time for this right now,” I said to her before she had a chance to say anything. “Come back in a few.”
“But—” she began, but I closed the door on her, closing the blinds and getting undressed to go into the bathroom that was attached to my office. I’d had a small shower put in there for nights I didn’t go home, and more often than not I found myself using it instead of the one at my house. I took a long time washing myself, massaging the stiffness from my shoulders before I got out and got dressed in one of the many suits I kept on hand.
I spent the rest of my day in my office without seeing Victoria and briefly regretted sending her away before. I knew she probably felt guilty about what she’d done last night—the look on her face this morning had said it all. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a little irritated about the whole thing, a feeling I tried to force away as I went about my day.
I was in the parking garage, preparing to take a rare trip home, when I heard footsteps behind me and I turned to see Victoria there.
“Hi,” she said.
“You following me, Ms. Eaves?” I asked her with a grin. It was hard not to smile just looking at her, despite the nervous look on her face and the way I was feeling about her currently.
“No,” she said softly. “I just—you seemed upset earlier.”
“Where’d you get that impression?”
“You have an attitude,” she said.
I laughed. “An attitude?”
She nodded. “You’re upset.”
“I’m not upset,” I said. “But I disapprove.”
She bit her lip. “I know. It was stupid. It was a mistake.”
“A mistake that keeps happening,” I said.
“Don’t be upset, Louis,” she said softly. “Please.”
I found myself reaching up to touch her cheek, my anger turning to desire, to an affection I didn’t understand. I didn’t like seeing her nervous, upset or uncomfortable, no matter what the reason was.
“Victoria,” I said to her. “I think you’re perfect. I just want you to do well here.”
“Thank you,” she breathed.
I nodded, my hand stroking her jaw, moving to her neck. I wrapped it around the back of her neck and pulled her face to mine, kissing her softly before I had the chance to stop myself. I felt her freeze in surprise at first before she began to respond, her tongue slipping into my mouth to taste my own. I sucked on her lips, tasting her, enjoying every bit of it as we stood there in the parking garage. After a moment, she tore away from me.
“I have to go,” she said with wide eyes and a trembling voice.
“Victoria—”
“No,” she said and turned to jog away from me. I sighed and got into my car, but only sat there for a minute before I decided to go back upstairs to my office. I hated the idea of going home to my big empty house with nothing but my thoughts for company. It was easier to stay in my office, to limit my mind to work and nothing else. I went inside and sat at my desk, diving into the case I was working on, and the next thing I knew it was morning and I hadn’t slept. There was a knock on my door and I yawned, standing up to answer it. I saw Jeremiah on the other side.
“You really ought to get a life, Sylvester,” the man said.
I gritted my teeth. Jeremiah was the last person I wanted to deal with.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said to him. “Is there something I can do for you?”
“You can, actually,” he said. “I want you to put my boy Zachary on the Walker case. I think he’ll do well with our big clients.”
“No,” I said quickly. “No, Mrs. Walker will hate him.”
“Oh, but she loves you,” Jeremiah said. “She’ll do anything you say. And he needs the experience.”
“The Walker case is my case,” I said to him. “I don’t want your kid anywhere near it.”
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. I’d never talked to him like this, never talked to anybody like this. Most of the time, I was very cordial. But my nerves were on edge, and Jeremiah was the last person I wanted to talk to.
“I don’t think you understand,” said Jeremiah. “This is not a request.”
“We are partners, Jeremiah,” I said to him. “You cannot give me orders.”
He smiled at me, a small smirk on his lips. “We’ll see,” he said, and then disappeared from my office, leaving me baffled and irritated.
10
Victoria
I took a deep breath, gazing at the church as people poured in for Sunday mass. I hadn’t been in years—not since everything that had happened with my family; the scandal that had torn us apart. But I
couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d done with Xavier, and the kiss with Louis that had somehow felt just as good and right as having sex with his partner had been. I didn’t understand how I could be attracted to both of them, and I hated it. I was filled with shame and guilt every time I thought about it and, for some reason, that feeling threw me back into a place in my life when going to church had been a relief for me. I didn’t know if it would be the same now, but I knew I desperately needed some relief from the war in my mind.
I got out of the car, trying to steel my nerves as I walked up the sidewalk to the tiny church I’d grown up attending. I saw people I recognized—people I’d known my whole life—but they barely even looked at me as I walked up. I tried to steady my breathing as I went inside, my eyes landing on my family where they were seated in their usual pew near the front. I closed my eyes for a moment, gathering myself before I went to them. My brother looked up at me first and smiled, something that filled me with relief.
“Victoria,” he said brightly. My parents looked up at me, surprise on their faces. Then my mother’s eyes went cold, something that felt like a stab to the heart.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I—I just—”
“Victoria!” came a voice behind me, and I felt a disgusted shiver roll down my spine. I didn’t turn around, but stayed still, praying the man would just go away. Instead, he approached me from behind, placing his hand on my shoulder. I shuddered and turned around to see the person who had haunted my nightmares for years—he was handsome, mostly plain-faced, but it was his eyes that stood out most about him. They were pale blue, ice cold and evil as his heart.
“Jacob,” I said in a stiff voice, shrinking away from him. “I thought—I thought you moved away.”
“Luckily for you, I’m back in town for a visit,” he said in a slimy voice.
I felt my nostrils flare, felt myself glaring at him.
“I’m just here for mass,” I said, sliding into the pew, praying that he wouldn’t sit beside me. I wasn’t surprised when he did, and I was even less surprised when he put his hand on my knee. I yanked it away, pulling his fingers back hard as I glared at him. He winced but grinned at me.
“Still a fighter,” he said.
The words filled me with disgust and shame at the same time. I scooted away from him until I was at the edge of the pew, as far away from him as I could get. My brother turned around to look at me, meeting my eye, and then he glanced at Jacob beside me. His lips pressed into a thin line and he gave me a disapproving look. It made my heart sink—nobody had ever believed me about what had happened with Jacob, how it hadn’t been my fault. Not even my family had taken my side, something that had driven me away from the church in the first place.
“Get away from me,” I hissed at Jacob as he scooted closer, but he only gave me a placid, somehow threatening smile as the priest took the stage in front of us. The room went quiet as the priest started to speak, but I couldn’t pay attention to his words. I felt tense and panicky, my heart pounding just being near Jacob, smelling the familiar scent of his cologne. I sat there frozen, trying my hardest to focus on the sermon being delivered, but all I could think about was that day with Jacob, the day my life and my faith changed forever.
It had been about a half hour of the priest droning on when Jacob put his hand on my thigh again. I glared at him, tugging it away, but he gripped my leg painfully. I stood up, unable to take any more.
“Stay away from me,” I hissed at him, knowing that all eyes in the church were focused on me. My mother’s felt especially cold, and when I met them I could have sworn she was trying to strike me dead with her gaze. She looked at Jacob and me with the same disapproving look my brother had given, her nose in the air. I turned around and walked away, hurrying down the center aisle while people stared and whispered. I tried not to meet anybody’s gaze as I left the room, darting into one of the classrooms just as I started to cry. Seeing Jacob again was hard, but seeing my family was even harder.
There was a knock on the door after a few minutes and I held my breath, terrified it was Jacob coming after me. Instead, my brother opened the door and peered in at me, raising his eyebrows when he saw me crying there. He came inside, shutting the door behind him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I hate him,” I said. He didn’t look at me with any sympathy, but with hard eyes.
“Yeah, well…” was all he said, but the rest of the sentence was implied—it was my fault, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him. I sighed.
“What did you come here for?” my brother asked. I stared at his face, so familiar, once my favorite face in the world. My twin brother and I had always been close, right up until the day Jacob had torn us apart.
“I just—I’ve been—I needed to come,” I said.
“Why?” he asked.
“I—there’s a man,” I found myself saying, blurting out the words as if we were still close, as if we were still best friends like we had been for most of our lives. “Two men.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Two men?”
“Yes, but it’s not like that,” I said. “I haven’t—I’ve only been with one of them. I just—I can’t get them out of my head.”
He chuckled, a dry, hollow laugh.
“You’ve only been with one of them,” he said. “Just one. But you’re interested in both?”
I stared at him, realizing then how much of a mistake it had been to tell him. The look on his face was of pure disgust and malice. I’d just needed to get the words out and now they were fighting against me.
“I can’t help it,” I said in a weak voice. “That’s what I came here for. I need—I need help.”
“I don’t think there’s any help for you, sis,” he said, and the words made a knot form in my gut.
“I can be forgiven—”
“You can’t really be forgiven for repeated behavior,” he said. “You keep acting like a slut—”
I stood up, glaring at him.
“You have no idea what my life is like,” I said to him. “You haven’t even called!”
“That’s because I’m embarrassed by you,” he said. “I’m embarrassed that you’re my sister.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. He’d never said those words before, and they were more painful than I ever could have imagined. I felt myself tearing up and furiously wiped them away. I didn’t say anything else—there was nothing I could say, so all I did was leave him alone in the classroom, leaving the church as quickly as I could. I got in my car and closed my eyes for a minute, gathering myself so I was able to drive. Then I left the church behind, realizing it was no longer my home, that I no longer had family there to welcome me.
The next day I went to work without my crutches, better able to walk now. Somehow, it didn’t make me feel any better—the day before had crushed me, and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and wallow. Still, I had a lot of work to do—I’d been working on three cases—juggling two back and forth with Xavier and also doing busywork on Zachary’s case. I spent hours at the office sometimes, sneaking out long after Xavier had left just so I could catch up on work.
I got inside, my heart fluttering in my chest when I saw the light in Xavier’s office was on. I hadn’t seen him since he’d come back to my place that night and I dreaded every minute leading up to having to speak to him again. I had no idea what to say but there was no doubt it would be awkward—I’d never had a casual hook-up before, never done something that was no-strings-attached. I didn’t even know how to respond to a man I’d had a one-night-stand with, but I took a deep breath and prepared myself as best as I could before going into his office.
11
Xavier
Victoria,” I said when she walked in, my heart fluttering. Every moment of the evening we’d spent together flooded back to me when I saw her, the dress she was wearing, the beautiful shape of her lips. I felt my cock grow hard
and scooted underneath the desk, hiding myself as I looked up at her. She was giving me a shy, awkward look, one that was terribly endearing.
“Hi,” she said softly, not meeting my eye. She took her regular seat and opened her laptop, her eyes fixed on the screen.
“How are you, Victoria?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” she breathed, seeming frozen in her seat as I held her gaze. “I’m—I’m good. My ankle is feeling better.”
“From falling down the stairs?” I said.
“Yes,” she said.
“Good.”
There was a tension in the room that was more than awkwardness, but the memory of what had happened between us lingered in place, making the air thick and heavy. It went quiet for a long time as she started to work, and I tried not to bother her, tried not to let my eyes travel to her as I kept myself busy.
“How are you doing with the files on the Benjamin case?” I asked.
Her eyes widened. “Oh,” she said. “Oh, I—I totally forgot.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You forgot to do them?”
She blushed deeply, a humiliated look passing over her face.
“I just—I got caught up in my other work.”
“Am I giving you more than you can handle, Victoria?” I asked, surprised at how she’d fallen behind. I hadn’t given her much to do, no more than she could get done in a regular week of work.
She blushed when I said the words and I almost smiled, remembering just how much of me she could handle. It was a thought I pressed to the back of my mind, knowing that it was something that could never happen again, something that should never have happened in the first place.
“No,” she said quickly. “No, I can handle it. It’s just been a rough few weeks.”
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