Carson sat up, wiping her face.
“Yeah.” Her voice was hoarse from crying and she sniffled a bit.
“Want to eat? You might not feel hungry, but it will help. I promise.” His stomach growled. Eating at Chloe’s kitchen was always a treat.
“Like the Coke?”
“Yeah.”
“Sure.” She stared at the tray, her face creased with emotion. She’d cry again at the drop of a hat.
He leaned forward and uncovered the bowl of stew, a puff of steam rising from the dish. There was fresh bread and even some kind of fruity, bar-cake thing. Carson spent a few moments stirring and staring at her food, but once she took a bite, her hunger seemed to take over.
That was a good sign.
Shock came first. That stage of disbelief and horror. In combat situations he had to keep going, but that tactic didn’t fit his civilian life or work. He’d stolen the caffeine idea from his paramedic friend who tended to keep a few on hand for accidents that really shook people.
Carson would continue to deal with what she’d seen and felt for a while. There was little Ryan could do for her there. He could tend to other needs, like eating and keeping her going while they figured out what the fuck was going on.
“I didn’t realize I was hungry,” she said after devouring most of her food.
“Want more? Chloe always makes enough to feed an army.”
“No, thank you. Who is Chloe again?”
“She’s Ian’s sister.”
“And Ian was the red headed guy with the tattoos?”
“Correct.”
“You said he was the guy whose niece you did the party for.”
“See? You were listening.”
The deep lines had softened. Food had reminded her body to that it couldn’t live on feelings alone. She’d crash before much longer.
Ryan kept his teeth clenched. The questions he wanted answered would wait.
“Thank you,” Carson said.
“You’re welcome,” he replied automatically.
She glanced sideways at him. It was the first time she’d looked at him since she’d fallen to pieces. Her shoulders drooped and the way she stared at nothing made him think of a zombie creature. Next on her agenda was sleep. There would more than likely be nightmares and restless hours. It was another hurdle to get over.
“I really wasn’t sure you’d come back,” she said.
“I told you I would.” He slid his arm along the back of the sofa and placed his hand on her neck.
“Yeah...”
Ryan could hear the unspoken but. He could imagine what she’d say after that. There was a wealth of reasons for him to be done with her, and one overpowering reason why he’d stayed.
“Why don’t we get some sleep?” he suggested.
“Why did you look for me? How did you find me?” She turned her head and looked at him fully.
“I figured you hadn’t told me the whole story. I wanted to know all of it. So I took off after you, found your car and worked from there.”
“But—how?”
“Security video helped us identify the black town car following Ben. We were able to locate that vehicle using the GPS system. Our assumption was that they were following you closely, but lost Ben once you got into the building. It took them time to figure out why and where you were, which let us get to you and into position to stage a rescue.”
“How do you talk about that so calmly?” Her brow wrinkled, and she stared at him the way a lot of clients did. They didn’t understand that need, the one that catapulted him into danger instead of away from it.
“I’ve been in a lot of combat situations and my work has us trained in dealing with hostage situations,” he replied, keeping it simple.
“Why would you look for me though?”
She’d asked that one, but her mind wasn’t accepting his answer. She was a smart woman. They were going to get into the meat of their problems, eventually.
“I told you. I knew you weren’t telling me everything. When I saw your car I knew that whatever the reasons were, they were serious and you needed help. You knew what I did for a living, didn’t you?”
“You kind of told me at the bar.”
“How did that actually go down?” He had these moments where he clearly remembered zeroing in on Carson, and yet something had happened.
“Oh.” She closed her eyes and sucked down a breath. “My friend, Jessica, went to the bathroom. I turned around to people watch. You came over, we were talking and after a bit my friend came back. That was it.”
“No, it’s not.”
She opened her eyes and lifted her shoulders.
“What do you want to hear?” she asked.
“The truth.”
Carson’s gaze slid away from him.
“You’re my type. Your friend is pretty, but I promise you, no amount of alcohol would have made me walk away from you for her.” The shy ones really were his favorite flavor and Carson was a unique mix of confident and shy.
“She’s beautiful,” Carson said.
“And so are you.”
She shifted, uncomfortable with this line of questioning. He couldn’t dive into the real problem, but he could get answers to that first interaction.
“She’s...used to being the one guys pay attention to and want to go home with. By that point I think she’d drank enough she thought she was helping by distracting you. And I don’t really know how to stop her.”
That made sense.
Carson had a bubbly, outgoing friend she paired up with for nights out. The friend likely needed Carson there to keep her from doing something really stupid. For Ryan, that was Vito.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Carson said softly.
“Let’s not worry about that right now.” He slid his hand to her shoulder than down to hook his fingers in hers.
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
“You don’t get to make that decision. I forgive you.” And he meant it. He’d known when things turned bad he’d forgive her. He didn’t know if he could trust her.
“But...”
“Carson, I chased you down to get answers. Your lies hit me hard, but I can’t help but think it wasn’t all a lie. This isn’t a simple situation with a simple solution. I wanted to find out, but you need to rest. Everything else can wait.” His feelings were a twisted knot that would take time to unload and sort out. He may not be able to forgive her, but he’d only find that out if they talked. If he put in some damn effort.
“I can’t sleep. Do you really expect me to sleep?”
“You could try.”
She shook her head.
“Okay, do you want to watch something?” He nodded at the TV.
“I had no idea what I was doing. If I could go back, I’d... I don’t know.”
“You could have led with the truth,” he said. “Why not just ask for help?”
“Why would you help someone like me?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do.”
Carson shook her head.
The deal with the FBI didn’t sit right with him, but that was a problem for in the morning. Right now, Vito’s words from earlier haunted him.
What if he was right? What if he’d taken the lifeline Carson offered him and made a noose out of it? She wasn’t the only one in this relationship if it could still be called that.
“Babe, look. You’re not the only one at fault here. You couldn’t have made me believe your story unless part of me wanted to believe it.”
Vito had been right, but Ryan hadn’t wanted to hear it earlier.
“I... I’ve been at this point for a while now. I know something had to change. I have been set to self destruct for... Fuck. A long time. I looked at what you had to offer and...” It was his turn to stare off into nothing. Brutal honesty time. “I decided that you were fixing me. That we were going to be a family, and it was going to be perfect. I know that sounds delusional. It’s crazy when I say it, but it also
means that all of this isn’t on you. You can’t sell magic beans to someone who isn’t looking for a shortcut. I’ve been waiting for something—someone—to knock me out of this and there you were. So, you aren’t the only one at fault here.”
“I thought the idea of a baby would scare you. I thought, he’ll feel sorry for me and I can use that for a few days. I never thought...”
Ryan hadn’t realized he wanted his own kid until Carson had told him one was coming. He missed that kid already, and it hadn’t been real. He’d always had ideas about what he would do if one came along, but there were never designs on making one intentionally.
If the baby wasn’t true, what else wasn’t? And could he trust Carson to be honest with him now?
“I didn’t know I wanted a kid until now.” Those words were scarier when spoken. Him? With little humans?
He wanted a beer.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He’d lost count of the number of times she’d said those words. He didn’t doubt her sincerity, but could he trust it?
“What else was a lie? I just want to know what was real and what was fake. No judgment.”
“Well, I told you this, but I didn’t get kicked out of my parent’s house. I don’t live with them, obviously. Frankie is the problem child, but—Ryan, she’s doing so much better. She’s happy now. I get that you don’t understand. She was so bitter and hurt and angry when she moved in. God, I was mad that Mon and Dad brought this little demon into the house.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s every little brother and sister.” He recalled similar feelings towards his twin sisters.
“Probably, she was just...twelve and convinced the world was out to get her.” Carson stared off into space, but it was the look that got him. This caring expression, lips upturned, light in her eyes.
That was truth and love. The kind that made a person take on a shitty deal with the FBI. The kind that made a good woman do bad things.
He wanted her to look like that when she thought of him.
What were her parents really like? What kind of people adopted two girls who’d been hurt by the world and vow to help them heal?
“Sorry.” Carson shook her head. “I’m an accountant which you know. Um... I can’t think straight. I don’t know what else I said that wasn’t true. I tried to stick with the truth.”
“Do you really like pickles and ice cream?”
Carson sputtered and laughed.
“Because if you don’t, that was a hardcore dedication to the story.”
“I really do like pickles and ice cream.” She covered her face with her free hand and laughed.
“Well, that’s disgusting.” He pulled her to his side and wrapped his arm around her.
The feelings were still there. He cared for her to the degree that he was not capable of shutting this down. He didn’t want to. But everything wasn’t okay. He couldn’t tell her he forgave her and wipe the slate clean, but maybe they could get past this.
“I care about you,” Ryan said.
The smile slowly left Carson’s face as she stared at his profile. He turned to look at her.
“I have feelings for you, and that’s why I went after you. I knew you had to be in trouble, that there was more going on than you were letting on, and I couldn’t let you go like that. I don’t know if everything was one-sided—”
“It wasn’t.” She stared at a spot on his cheek. “That’s what made this so hard. I didn’t mean for this to get complicated. I thought you’d want to get rid of me, and then... Part of me wanted to pretend it was real.”
“I don’t entirely trust you.” He didn’t like saying those words, but they were his truth.
“I get that.” She nodded. “What happens next?”
He knew she wasn’t talking about physically, but he didn’t have answers. He hadn’t dated anyone seriously in ages. But he didn’t want to let go of her, and he didn’t want to go back to the Ryan of two weeks ago.
“I don’t know. This is all new territory for me,” he said slowly.
“Me, too.” Carson leaned against him.
“I do know that...I don’t want this to be over.”
“I’ll take that.” She smiled up at him.
That smile it did things to his insides. Warmth spread through his chest and he had this burning desire to keep her smiling, to chase the shadows from her eyes and protect her.
“I’d like to earn back your trust. This, everything that’s happened, that’s not me. My life isn’t exciting. It’s boring.”
“I don’t know that I buy boring. Relaxing might be a better word.”
“Relaxing. Okay.” She chuckled and laid her head on his shoulder, her body relaxing against his.
He turned his head and kissed her brow.
She was safe, and she was here with him. They were in no immediate danger, but that wasn’t done for. He’d have to take care of the people after Carson, but once that was handled she would become his focus.
“Thank you for coming after me,” she said.
“When I realized you were gone, that I didn’t know where you were going or how to find you...” That invisible hand was back, closing around his heart and squeezing. “That was when I knew I couldn’t let this go. I loved you and...”
Carson didn’t move, he couldn’t even feel her breath.
What the fuck had he just said?
HAD CARSON HEARD RYAN right?
Had he just said he loved her?
As in l-o-v-e?
She’d felt the deep moving waters of what she’d jumped into. It was different from anything she’d ever experienced. Bigger, more powerful, sometimes scary. But love?
When she’d been little, the people who told her they loved her hurt her. It had taken Mom and Dad years to change love from a bad to a good word. Carson had never loved anyone besides Mom, Dad and Frankie. Maybe Jessica. They had been friends for most of their lives. Carson didn’t even know she was capable of loving a man like that. She’d never had a boyfriend that lasted long enough to get past that stage.
Love was a scary word, but she wanted to face that fear. She wanted to learn to love someone outside her family circle. She had to be certain about how she felt before she said it. Especially with Ryan. She’d hurt him so much already, she couldn’t lie and tell him she had feelings she didn’t know for certain were true.
But maybe that wasn’t the case for Ryan. He was freer with himself than she was. For all she knew he told every woman he loved them.
She swallowed down the sudden surge of jealousy for all the women that had come before her. The ones he might have loved and deserved to be loved. She wasn’t entitled to those feelings. She had no right to be jealous. Still, he’d just told her he loved her.
“So... That just popped out,” he said.
She lifted her head from his shoulder and glanced at the bright red flush crawling up his neck. Most of the time he didn’t look like a ginger, but he certainly blushed like one.
Because he hadn’t meant to say that? He didn’t want to say it?
Maybe it wasn’t something he said to everyone. It might not even be something he wanted to feel, but now it was out there.
What did she say back?
A statement like that deserved a reply.
How did she feel? Did she know? Could she put it into words?
“Ryan?” She turned to face him. His cheeks were red to the point it looked painful.
“Let’s just ignore that?”
She took his hand in hers. This was important. She could feel it in her bones, but they weren’t at the same place. If they were going to get to the same destination, they had to be honest. Maybe painfully so.
“I care about you. I really like you. I like you to the point that this whole last week, lying to you, felt like it was destroying me because I knew I was going to hurt you. Part of me wanted it to not be a lie. But—I’m not there. Maybe because I knew there was an end coming? I don’t know.”
/> He nodded.
He didn’t claim it had just popped out that it was some kind of slip of the tongue. No, he’d said it and he wasn’t taking it back. After all she’d done to hurt him, he didn’t just care for her. He loved her on some level and she wanted to be worthy of that.
“Ryan?”
“That’s fair,” he said.
“We’re being honest, right?”
“Yeah. Sure.” He nodded, but still wasn’t looking at her.
“I don’t think I’ve ever told someone who wasn’t my family that I told them I loved them.” That was a truth. She didn’t date enough to get to the point she’d be truly in love with them. Every guy she’d taken a chance on wasn’t that patience. “It wasn’t always a word that meant good things.”
“Shit, I...”
“I care about you. That-that’s big for me. New territory big.” She took his hand and prayed he understood what she didn’t know how to say.
He stared at her, his thumb swiping across the back of her hand.
Ryan made her want to find out if she could love someone romantically.
Carson leaned in and kissed his cheek. Her usual reservations about a man didn’t apply with him. He was a different person from the kind of guys she dated. He took her preconceived notions about what happened between a man and a woman and tossed them out the window. And perhaps that was what she needed. They’d gone about this all wrong. Normal people didn’t get together this way, but with their issues and baggage, they had to come through another door. Jump in the deep end with only each other to hold on to.
Ryan turned his face, and she slid her lips along his.
For nights she’d lain beside him and wanted him to know the truth. Now he did, and he was still here. He didn’t fully trust her and she accepted that. It was more than she deserved. She’d have never asked for a second chance or his help following her deception, and yet here they were with the promise of more.
He cupped her cheek, his fingers stroking her skin, and turned toward her.
There was this intense heat that seemed to simmer just under his skin. At night she’d lay as close to him as she could, soaking that up. During moments like these he burned the hottest to the point she almost expected her skin to sizzle.
Without warning Ryan scooped her off the sofa and onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, the better to get as close as possible to him. His hands tangled in her hair. His teeth nipped at her lip. There was an edge, a rawness, to the way he kissed she hadn’t yet experienced. Until now he’d been tender and gentle. Careful.
Dangerous Secrets Page 14
