“You don’t understand,” he told her. “I’m not that man. I’ve screwed up everything important. Everything. My father left because of me. He told me himself. He wanted to go away so I wouldn’t be like him. I didn’t know what he meant so I didn’t know what to change. And Jimmy.” He closed his eyes, which only made things worse. Suddenly he could see his kid brother and hear every word of their last, angry conversation.
“Jimmy was the most important person in my life,” he said, staring at her. “I was determined to be the best brother, best parent, best everything for him. But it didn’t work. Nothing helped. I couldn’t get him to care about school or college or getting a job. He wouldn’t go to class in high school, he partied, he ran with some pretty bad kids. He got kicked out his junior year. Did he tell you that? Did he tell you he’d tried to set the gym on fire?”
Noelle stared at him, her eyes wide. She slowly shook her head.
“Obviously he never graduated. I hounded him until he got his GED. When that arrived, he told me he was done with me. Not that he moved out—that would have meant taking responsibility for paying bills and he didn’t want that.” He drew in a breath. “Do you know why you met him at the company? Do you know what he was doing there?”
She shook her head again. “I thought he was working.”
“Working.” Dev tried to laugh, but there was nothing funny about the situation. “I guess you could call it that. He was stealing parts and selling them on the street. The specialized airplane parts weren’t that useful to him, but we have a lot of components that would work with most types of engines. I caught him myself and he wasn’t even sorry.”
Noelle drew in a breath, but didn’t speak.
Dev continued. “I’d had it with him. There had been too many chances, so many screw-ups. I didn’t care. Honest to God, in that moment, I hated my brother. I told him he had two choices. He could join the military and grow up, or I would have him arrested and prosecuted. The army or jail. Those were his choices.”
Dev shook his head as he tried not to remember the fight he’d had with his brother, the names they’d called each other. Jimmy had said he would never forgive Dev and Dev had said, “Right back at you.” They’d nearly punched each other.
“You know what he chose,” Dev told her. “That’s why he enlisted. He told me where they were sending him and I said it was a good thing. He would have to grow up over there. Learn about responsibility. Quit being such a spoiled little shit. Instead he got dead.”
Dev looked at her. “That’s what I did, Noelle. I took the easy way out with Jimmy, and because of that, he’s dead. There’s nothing I can do to change that, no matter how much I want to. I have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. I failed my brother. Worse, I killed him. So you might want to think twice about claiming to be in love with someone like me.”
CHAPTER TEN
DEV WALKED OUT of the kitchen. Noelle heard the door to the garage close behind him, then the sound of his car starting.
He was leaving. That shocked her nearly as much as what he’d told her. How could he dump all that on her and then leave?
She stood in the silence for several minutes, then slowly turned off lights and made her way to the bedroom she shared with the man she’d married. A thousand different thoughts flowed through her brain. She didn’t know what to think, what to believe. The only thing she completely understood was that Dev was out of reach in ways she couldn’t begin to understand.
* * *
HE NEVER CAME home the whole night. Noelle tried to sleep, but couldn’t, and was up and prowling restlessly before dawn. She made a large pot of coffee in anticipation of his arrival, which never happened, then turned it off before she left for school.
As she drove to the campus, she once again went over what he’d told her. She’d known Jimmy well enough to see how he could easily make someone like Dev completely crazy. Jimmy had been on a slick, steep road to destruction and, one way or another, he was going to have to pay for that.
But not with his life, she thought sadly as she parked and collected her books. No one should have to pay that high a price. And what about Dev, left behind, with only his guilt to keep him company?
She could almost understand why he wouldn’t let the past go. It was too painful and so easy for him to blame himself, which meant he was a man on a mission—that he had to somehow make up for what he’d done. That explained his nearly obsessive desire to be a part of Jimmy’s child’s life and why he’d insisted on marriage. But where did that leave her? Was she any part of his plan, or just the vessel who carried his brother’s unborn child? Had she fallen in love with a man who didn’t see her as a real person?
Late that afternoon, she still didn’t have any answer. Not sure if she would even see Dev again, she couldn’t decide if she should cook dinner or not. Talk about a stupid concern if her husband had walked out on her. But it was easier to focus on that, than the fact she might never see him again. She told herself she had to eat something. She would make enough for two and if he didn’t come home, she would have the rest for lunch the next day.
Shortly after five she heard the garage door open. Her heart leapt in her chest, but she forced herself not to react when he walked into the kitchen. She finished chopping the bell pepper, then wiped her hands on a towel and turned to face him.
He looked awful. There were dark shadows under his eyes and a heaviness to his step. She doubted he’d slept, although he’d obviously showered and changed clothes somewhere. She remembered the fabulous bathroom attached to his office, which was, ironically, the place where all this started. If he hadn’t caught her coming out of his office that morning, he wouldn’t have known about the baby.
She would have told him eventually, she thought, what with him being Jimmy’s only relative, but by then she would have gone to her parents and who knows what would have happened. She doubted they would be married right now.
He shrugged out of his suit jacket and slung it on the counter. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have left like that. I had no right to worry you. I thought about calling, but by the time it occurred to me, it was about three in the morning and I hoped you would be asleep.”
“I wasn’t,” she said softly, trying not to show how relieved she felt to see him.
He ran his hand through his hair. “Walking out isn’t my normal solution to an argument,” he admitted. “I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s an emotional topic.”
“Still no excuse,” he muttered. “It won’t happen again.”
She wanted to ask why. Did he mean he would handle things better in the future or that they wouldn’t be in a position to have fights because they wouldn’t be together?
She turned off the burners she’d lit on the stove and moved both the pan and the pot to the side.
“We need to talk about this,” she said. “About Jimmy.”
He stiffened. “No, we don’t.”
“You can’t dump something like that on me and then refuse to discuss it again. It’s too important. You’re in pain, Dev. I understand why you miss him, but you’re not responsible for his death. You didn’t make him screw up his life, you didn’t make him steal and you didn’t pull the trigger on the gun that killed him.”
“I will not discuss this with you.”
His voice was ice and she shivered from the cold.
“Dev...”
“I like you and respect you,” he said firmly, “but this topic is off-limits. I also want to be clear about a few other things. As far as I’m concerned, the initial rules are still in place. In two years, this marriage ends.”
She felt as if he’d slapped her. “We’ve moved past that already.”
“No, we haven’t. Sleeping together doesn’t change anything. I will walk away
in two years.” He drew in a breath. “I understand if you have to think about all this and even if you want me to move out while you consider it.”
His tone softened, but his words still cut her. Sleeping together? Is that what he thought they were doing? For her, it was much more than that.
She looked at him and wondered what he wasn’t saying. Was he trying to get her to back away? She knew he enjoyed their lovemaking, so she didn’t think he wanted that to end. So what was this about? Did he need her at arm’s length so he wouldn’t start to care? Or was that just wishful thinking on her part?
She wanted to believe that he was afraid of falling in love with her, but what proof did she have? Except for his overzealous guilt about Jimmy, Dev seemed like a regular guy. Why would he be afraid of loving anyone? He was certainly committed to Jimmy’s child.
Was he afraid she would leave, so he was protecting himself, or was that even more wishful thinking?
“You don’t need to leave,” she said slowly. “If anyone were to leave, it would be me.”
She thought he tensed, but she wasn’t sure.
“Are you leaving?” he asked.
“No. I’m your wife and I want to stay with you.”
“In my bed?” he asked bluntly. “Are you willing to sleep with me, knowing there’s a time limit?”
He was trying to push her away, but why? Would it make him feel better or worse to have her agree to his terms?
There was no way for her to know and she believed if she asked, he would avoid the question. Which meant she could only worry about herself and what she wanted.
“I still love you,” she said. “My feelings aren’t up for grabs, nor can you dictate or legislate them. My question for you is can you handle that? Can you live in this house with me, knowing how I feel?”
His dark eyes gave nothing away. “In two years, it’s over.”
He had the final power in that, she thought sadly. He couldn’t make her stop loving him and she couldn’t make him care about her. In the end, if he didn’t want her anymore, she would go.
“You’re my husband and I’m committed to this relationship,” she told him. “For as long as we’re together, I will share everything I have with you, including my heart and my body.”
“Then you’re staying.”
She nodded.
“Good.” He grabbed his jacket. “I’ll go get changed.”
“Dinner’s in about thirty minutes.”
He nodded and left. Noelle stared after him and wondered if he recognized that nothing had been resolved. They’d entered into an uneasy peace for the moment, but the final outcome was anyone’s guess.
* * *
A WEEK LATER Noelle found herself continuing to live in a state of uncertainty. While she and Dev occupied the same house, they weren’t the loving, happy couple they’d been before she’d confessed her feelings and he’d told her about Jimmy.
She and Dev spoke about everything that wasn’t important, shared physical space without touching and were painfully polite. At night they each claimed their side of the large bed, with neither making a move toward the other.
In truth, she missed him. She missed laughing with him and touching him. She missed making love and feeling a part of something, but with no idea how to fix the problem, she didn’t know how to change things. Talking hadn’t gotten them anywhere and while she was fairly confident that if she reached for him he wouldn’t reject her, she wasn’t sure she was ready to make the first move.
For once, her lack of experience was a handicap. She didn’t know how to handle the situation and she was too embarrassed to discuss it with Rachel and Crissy. As far as her friends were concerned, everything was perfect in the Hunter household.
Noelle had never lived a lie before and she didn’t like living one now. But how to change things? Did they each need a good knock over the head?
By the time she drove into the driveway after her study group, she didn’t have any answers. But she was surprised to see Dev’s car in the garage. It was only three in the afternoon. What was he doing home?
“Dev?” she called as she walked into the kitchen.
She saw him standing in the family room, along with Tiffany and what looked like enough luggage for an entire graduating class.
Her sister took one look at her and burst into tears. Noelle instinctively held out her arms. Tiffany rushed to her and hung on tight.
“Your mother called,” Dev said as she patted her sister’s back. “When you didn’t pick up here, she called me at work.”
Tiffany stepped back. “I hate my life. I hate it so much. I hate living at home. Mom and Dad are so awful. I don’t want to live with them anymore. I want to come live with you.”
Because they needed one more thing, Noelle thought, trying to see the humor in the situation and failing.
“I’ll be good,” Tiffany said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I promise. It’s just they don’t understand anything. Please, Noelle, don’t make me go back.”
Dev motioned for her to follow him down the hall.
“Wait here,” Noelle told her sister, then followed him into their bedroom. “I can’t believe this,” she said when he’d shut the door.
“It’s a surprise,” he admitted. “Your mom called and said Tiffany was running away. Apparently a friend picked her up. Your mom said if we could stand to have her stay for a few days, it would be a big help. She thinks Tiffany needs a dose of reality.”
“She needs more than that,” Noelle muttered, then waited for Dev to announce that there was no way he was letting her kid sister move in with them. Only he didn’t.
“Aren’t you upset?” she asked.
He shrugged. “I’m gone most of the time. She’s your sister and you’re the one who would be home with her. It’s your call.”
She blinked. Never would she have guessed those words would come out of his mouth. Something was wrong, but she couldn’t figure out what.
* * *
DEV WAITED WHILE Noelle considered her options. What he wasn’t about to admit was that he saw Tiffany as an unexpected distraction. Things had been tense between Noelle and him. A third person might improve the situation, or at least keep them so busy that they’d forget to be painfully polite all the time.
He knew he’d hurt her and he hated that. He’d been so damn careful to spell out all the rules so that wouldn’t happen, only he’d forgotten to address the possibility of feelings and sexual desire.
He’d known making love with Noelle was a mistake. The shared intimacy had convinced her she had feelings for him. He didn’t consider that her feelings might be real. How could she know what he’d done and still care about him? Still, he’d upset her and caused her pain, when all she’d done was surprise him in the best way possible, over and over again.
“If you don’t mind, then let’s tell Tiffany she can stay,” Noelle said. “Although it’s not going to be the cushy vacation she’s expecting.” She squared her shoulders. “Okay, I’m ready.”
They returned to the family room. Tiffany stood anxiously by her piles of luggage. “What?” the teenager asked. “Noelle, you have to let me live here.”
Noelle stared at her. “You can stay.”
Tiffany shrieked and jumped in the air. “Really? That’s so great! I’m going to be so incredibly fun to have around, you’ll beg me never to leave. Can I live in the pool house? It looks fabulous.”
“It is, but you’ll be in the house, staying in the guest room.”
The one Noelle had recently vacated, Dev thought, knowing this would be a lot more awkward if she hadn’t already moved in with him.
“There is also a condition,” Noelle continued.
“I’ll do anything,” Tiffany promised.
Noelle didn’t look co
nvinced. “Okay—the condition is you follow my rules.”
Tiffany shoved her long, blond hair off her shoulders and sighed heavily. “What rules?”
Noelle smiled. “You’ll like them. Some of them will even be familiar. One, you will have a list of chores to be completed on a daily basis. Two, you will have a curfew and be home by nine.”
“Nine?” Tiffany shrieked. “Nine at night?”
“Three,” Noelle continued, ignoring her. “No boys in the house. Not ever, not for five minutes. None. Zero. Girlfriends are allowed, but only when one of us is home. Girlfriends will vacate the house by nine unless they are staying for a preapproved sleepover. Four, you will not go into the pool when you are home alone. Five, you will play your music at a reasonable volume and we determine what is reasonable.” She paused. “That’s all I can think of for now, but there may be more later. If you violate any of these, I’ll pack your stuff myself and toss you out. Is that clear?”
Tiffany stared at her sister as if she’d never seen her before. “You’re worse than Mom,” she breathed, then turned to Dev. “Tell her she’s being unfair.”
Dev held up both hands. “This is between the two of you. Leave me out of it.”
On the one hand, he thought Noelle’s rules were strict, but on the other, he understood her plan. She was trying to make Tiffany see that running away didn’t solve anything. A lesson he obviously needed to learn himself, based on how he’d acted after their big fight.
“Dev works and I’m taking classes,” Noelle said firmly. “Everyone in this house has responsibilities and that includes you, kid. So what do you say?”
Tiffany sighed. For a second, Dev thought she was going to balk, but she nodded slowly. “Okay. Fine. I’ll follow the rules.”
“Good. I’ll take you to day care every morning and pick you up at five.”
He frowned. “Tiffany’s in day care?” She seemed kind of old.
Tiffany giggled. “I don’t go. I help. Through the church. Teenagers who are too young to get jobs and stuff volunteer. We don’t get paid, but we will get a nice reference, which helps us when we want to get real jobs.”
Circle of Friends Complete Collection Page 14
