He took a step toward her. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Not the way it did.”
“What did you mean?”
“I meant...” Damn. What could he say? Initially he had thought of her as little more than a problem to be solved.
“How long have you been hiding behind the right thing?” she asked. “How long has responsibility kept you safe? I know why you didn’t get married before. You had Jimmy to hide behind. Your ex-fiancée didn’t run, you pushed her away.”
“You’re wrong,” he said harshly. “You don’t understand.” She couldn’t know what it had been like to be the only one who was willing to do the right thing. She had no idea what it had cost him.
“I understand everything. You used Jimmy to protect yourself from love. You believe that love makes you weak, but you’re wrong. It makes you strong and powerful. Giving our hearts is the most courageous thing we can do. I admired you for so long and now I see you’re just afraid. You’re not willing to make the effort, to take a chance.”
Her words were a light shining in a dark corner. He suddenly saw himself as one of those guys he’d described to Tiffany—one of the ones who wasn’t worth it.
He had no way to defend himself. He had used his brother to hold the world at bay. He’d used circumstances and the company and everything else he could think of because loving meant being left yet again.
They stared at each other for a long time. Finally he broke the silence.
“I wanted to make it right,” he told her. “I wanted to make things easier for you. Instead I’ve only made them more difficult. I’m sorry. I’ll go.”
Her expression tightened. “You’re leaving me?”
“You have your family. You won’t be alone.”
“You’re leaving,” she repeated, not asking a question this time. “I can’t believe it. You screw this up and your answer is to run?”
“I’ll still take responsibility,” he said.
“Of course you do. That’s what you do best. But what if I want you to show up? That’s a whole different story, isn’t it?” She threw up both her hands. “Go. Just go. Don’t worry about the responsibility, Dev. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m good at that, too. I don’t need anyone else to be in charge or handle the details. I need a partner. I need someone willing to love me back.”
She was the strongest, most incredible person he’d ever met. He’d come into this relationship with a list of rules he thought would protect him, but now, faced with losing her, he realized that all the rules in the world weren’t going to help.
But she didn’t see the truth. What if he stayed? What if he allowed himself to love her? He would be weak and then what would she have?
“I’ll stay through the weekend,” he said.
“Don’t bother. If you’re going, go now.”
* * *
NOELLE WATCHED DEV PACK. Each item he put in the suitcase felt like a slap. She couldn’t believe he was really doing this. Leaving. Walking out. Not even trying first.
After a couple of minutes, she figured out she couldn’t stand to see this.
“There is some irony,” she told him from the doorway. “Despite not spending a lot of time with your father, you’re amazingly like him. Here you are, walking out on your family when we need you the most.”
She didn’t wait for an answer. Instead she went outside and sat by the pool.
The night was cool and quiet. She could hear the TV in Tiffany’s room and music coming from the pool house. She also heard the garage door open, Dev’s car back out and then the garage door close.
She sat alone in the silence and told herself she would be fine. She wondered how long it would take before she could believe it.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
BOTH CRISSY AND Rachel responded to Noelle’s early morning calls for help. They all met up at Rachel’s apartment. As it was summer, Rachel wasn’t working and Crissy took the morning off.
“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Noelle said, trying desperately not to cry. She’d spent most of the night in tears and was determined to be done with them. “I know I pushed, but I thought he would push back. I thought he’d care enough to fight for me.”
Crissy and Rachel sat on each side of her, rubbing her back and offering her tissues.
“I know this is hard,” Crissy said, “but you did the right thing. The rules have changed. Dev not acknowledging that doesn’t change the truth of the situation. You’re not where you were. This is no longer a sensible business arrangement.”
“I don’t get it,” Rachel said. “You love him. You’re having his brother’s baby, you’re great together, you have a terrific family. Why wouldn’t he want to be with you? It’s like he finally got everything he wants and now he’s running from it.”
There was a wistful quality to Rachel’s voice. Noelle remembered that her friend had lost her entire family when she’d been twelve and had been raised in foster care. Noelle guessed that Rachel would give anything to be a part of a family willing to claim her as their own.
“I know I did the right thing,” Noelle said. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.”
“He’ll come around,” Rachel said.
Noelle looked at her. “Are you sure? Because I’m not.”
“He’s not a stupid man,” Rachel said. “He’s afraid, but give him time. I don’t think he can resist you for very long.”
“And if he does, you can hunt him down like the rodent he is,” Crissy said cheerfully.
Despite everything, Noelle smiled. “I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Too bad, because that would make you feel better.”
Noelle laughed, then groaned in frustration when the laughter turned to tears. “I’m not doing this anymore,” she said as she wiped her face. “I’m done crying over him.”
Crissy and Rachel exchanged a glance. “Do you want us to say he’s a jerk?” Crissy asked.
“I don’t think it will help,” Noelle admitted. “That’s the worst of it. He’s not a total loser. I know he’s going to be there for the baby and me. He’ll take responsibility, because that’s what he does best. He’ll change diapers and help with baths and do everything right except love me.” She swallowed. “What if it’s not just me? What if he won’t love the baby, either?”
“He loved Jimmy,” Rachel said. “The baby will be his family. He can’t escape that.”
Maybe Dev couldn’t escape, Noelle thought sadly, but he’d just proved to her he could run. What happened the next time things got hard? Would he be like his father and take off forever?
Everything she knew about him told her she could trust him, but until last night, she would never have guessed he could walk out on her the way he had. If she’d been wrong before, chances are she could be wrong again.
* * *
DEV FOUND HIMSELF spending lots of time at the office, but he wasn’t getting any work done. He missed Noelle. No, that wasn’t right. He ached for her and he still didn’t know what had happened between them. When had everything gone so wrong?
He lived his day knowing leaving had been the right thing, but wanting desperately to go back to her. But how could he if he couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted most? He refused to let her live a life of unhappiness, the way his mother had.
There had been times when—
The door to his office opened and his father walked in. Dev rose to his feet, intent on getting rid of the man as quickly as possible, then he sank back into his seat. What was the point? He’d screwed up every other relationship in his life, maybe it was time to confess all and screw up this one, too.
“I’d ask how it’s going,” his father said as he settled in a chair across from Dev’s. “Only I can imagine. She’s upset, you’re upset.
This really sucks.”
The summation would have been humorous if it hadn’t been so accurate and painful. “It’s all my fault,” Dev said.
“I doubt that.” His father sipped on the cup of coffee he’d brought in with him. “It generally takes two to mess up a relationship.”
“Not in this case,” Dev said, then drew in a breath. “Not with Jimmy, either.”
He told his father what had happened to his youngest son. How Jimmy had been in and out of trouble, how he, Dev, had tried to convince him to change his ways. How in the end, Dev had given him a choice of military service or jail. How he’d been responsible for Jimmy’s death.
When he was finished, his father gazed at him for a long time.
“I was right there with you, son, until that last bit.” He took another sip of the coffee. “Jimmy always chose the hardest path. I could see it, even when he was five or six. He hated rules, he tested everyone around him. If there was an easy way and a hard way, Jimmy found the hard way.”
“I’m the one who issued the ultimatum,” Dev said, wishing for the millionth time he could have that moment back.
“You didn’t steal for him and you didn’t shoot him. Dev, Jimmy’s course was set a long time ago. You couldn’t save him by staying and I couldn’t save him by leaving.”
Dev stared at his father. “What are you talking about?”
“I left because of Jimmy. I thought maybe if I wasn’t around to be a bad influence, he’d do better. My father said he could make things right with Jimmy and I believed him.”
“That’s not true,” Dev said angrily. “You said you were leaving so I wouldn’t turn out like you. I was the reason you left.”
His father frowned. “Noelle mentioned something about that. I...” The older man swore. “Dev, I am so sorry. You were sharing a room. Do you remember? Jimmy was having nightmares after his mother died, so we put that air mattress into your room. The night I came to say goodbye, I was talking to Jimmy, not you.”
Dev didn’t have to close his eyes to remember that night. It had been late, well after midnight, and he’d awakened to find his father standing in the doorway. The hall light had been on and his father’s face had been in shadow. Dev hadn’t been able to read his dad’s expression, but he still remembered the pain of his father’s words. Words not even meant for him.
“I thought you left because of me,” he repeated slowly.
His father half rose, then sank back into his chair. “That explains a lot. I wondered why you never wrote me back. I knew you’d be angry and hurt because of my leaving. I just didn’t know...” Jackson Hunter suddenly looked old and broken.
“Why would I ever worry about you turning out like me?” his father asked. “You’re too much like your grandfather for that to happen.”
There was something about the way he made the statement. “Didn’t you and your father get along?”
Jackson laughed. “About as well as you and Jimmy. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. To be responsible and take over the company. I wasn’t interested in that.” He shrugged. “Or anything. I lacked ambition. Your grandfather couldn’t forgive that.”
Dev couldn’t get his mind around the information. From the time he was sixteen years old, he’d defined himself by his father’s words. To not turn out like him. But as he hadn’t known what his father meant, the path had been shaded and confusing.
“I screwed up,” his father said. “By trying not to screw up, I made things worse. I’m sorry, Dev. If I’d known, I would have stayed and...” He paused and took a sip of his coffee. “Sorry, no. That’s crap. I would have left anyway.”
“Because of Mom?”
His father nodded. “That’s my guilt.”
“You didn’t love her,” Dev said, confident of this fact. “Why didn’t you? It was all she ever wanted.”
He didn’t want to say more, or accuse too strongly. He had his own demons in the not-loving department.
“I did love her,” his father said slowly. “As much as I could. But it wasn’t enough. She was a black hole of emotion. She wanted to suck the life out of me and even that wasn’t enough. Early on, I thought her neediness was charming. It made me feel like a man to take care of her. But after a while, I found I couldn’t breathe without being strangled.”
Dev didn’t know what to say. His father’s words had nothing to do with the warm, loving memories he had. His mother had always been there for him. She’d waited until he got home from school and then she’d wanted them to be together constantly until his father got home. They’d played games and talked.
He frowned. Now that he thought about it, he realized his mother hadn’t wanted him to bring friends home, nor had she liked him to go hang out at someone else’s house. About the time he’d started to rebel against that, Jimmy had been old enough to claim his mother’s attention with his activities.
“No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough,” his father said. “She slowly cut me off from my friends until she was the only one I saw. I knew we’d reached the end when she admitted that she wanted me to quit my job and stay home with her twenty-four hours a day. I knew that was a symptom of something being very wrong. I tried to get her help but she refused. So I ran. Emotionally at least.”
Dev nodded slowly. He’d been about twelve or thirteen when his father had pretty much stopped showing up at home. That’s when his mother started to go downhill. He remembered hearing her crying all night, waiting for a man who wasn’t coming back.
“I took the easy way out,” his father said. “I’m not proud of that. I let you and Jimmy down, I let my father down, although he was used to that. He’d been disappointed in me since the day I was born.”
“Dad, no,” Dev said.
“It’s true. I didn’t care about the company, I wasn’t interested in finance or engineering or any part of the business. Oh, I liked the money well enough. I still do. Those monthly checks keep me going.”
Dev didn’t know what to do with all the information. There had been too much in too short a period of time.
“You’ve done well,” his father said unexpectedly. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. Your grandfather would have been proud, too. You’ve grown his company in ways he never could.”
“I... Don’t be proud of me,” Dev told him.
His father sighed impatiently. “Dammit, Dev, quit being a martyr. If you have to claim some trait from your mother, for God’s sake pick something else. You didn’t kill your brother.”
Dev stood. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Of course I do. Let it go, or the guilt will kill you. You’re not like me. You can’t turn your back on the people you’ve hurt and still live your life. It’ll eat you up inside. You’ve got something good with Noelle. Drop the past and move on.”
Dev sank back into the chair. “I don’t have Noelle.”
“Of course you do. She loves you. Anyone can see that.”
“It’s not what you think. The reason I married her, I mean.” He quickly told the story of Noelle’s relationship with Jimmy and subsequent pregnancy.
“It’s a marriage of convenience,” Dev concluded.
His father looked surprised by the information but he recovered quickly. “It may have started out that way, but it isn’t anymore. She loves you and I think you love her. Only you’re acting like a jackass. An unfortunate trait you get from me. The good news is Noelle’s heart is bigger than her sense of self-preservation. You haven’t blown it completely. You can still get her back.”
“What if I don’t want her back?”
“Then you’re a fool. You won’t do better.”
“I don’t expect to do better. I expect her to find someone who can be all she needs.”
His father finished his coffee and tossed
the container into the trash by the desk. “You’re willing to let another man touch her and tell her he loves her? You’re willing to let someone else raise Jimmy’s child.”
Dev’s chest tightened. He didn’t want any of that. He especially didn’t want Noelle curled up in another bed, laughing after an amazing night of lovemaking. He didn’t want her making peanut butter cookies for another man, or talking about her day or...
“If I love her, then I’ll break,” he said quietly.
“Love isn’t for sissies,” his father told him. “So you break. Noelle helps you put the pieces back together and you move on.”
“As simple as that,” Dev said, refusing to believe it was possible.
“Why make it complicated? You found an amazing woman, Dev. You got lucky. You’ve always been smart. Why be stupid now?”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not. But it’s worth it.”
“Have you been in love?” Dev asked.
His father nodded. “Twice. Once with your mother, until she crushed the feeling out of me, and once a few years ago. But she belonged to someone else and she wouldn’t consider leaving him. Love doesn’t come along all that often. When it does, you should grab on with both hands and never let go.”
* * *
NOELLE HAD YET to get used to having Dev gone. With Tiffany around, the house was never quiet, but there was definitely something missing. At night her bed seemed too big for one person and she couldn’t seem to get to sleep. Pathetically, she’d taken to wearing one of Dev’s T-shirts instead of pjs, so that she could pretend to be close to him.
She felt emotionally exhausted. So much had happened in the past few weeks. She’d been living a roller-coaster life and part of her just wanted to get off and slow down for a while. But that scenario didn’t include having Dev walk out on her. Instead, she would prefer that the two of them were together, falling deeper in love, discovering how great it was to be married.
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