NOKEA
I had just gotten out of bed and pulled back the tall linen curtains to let in the bright morning sun. I reached for my cell phone on the nightstand and listened to Jaylin’s daily message. “Day thirty-eight. This is getting ridiculous. I came by to see you, and you wouldn’t even open the door. You won’t leave your condo. As soon as you come out, I am going to be waiting. The kids have been asking about you, and how could you do us like this? What kind of person are you, Nokea? Our issues will never be resolved if you keep hiding behind closed doors. Call me, please. Please call me. FYI, I love you and always will.”
I closed the phone and laid it back on the dresser. He had no clue how much I had been missing my family, and the thought of not seeing them made me sick as ever. I fought hard, every single day, not to go back home and tell Jaylin I’d forgiven him. Thing is, this time, I just couldn’t do it. I had reached my limit, and that made me sad. Sad because even though I knew how much Jaylin loved me, I finally realized that he would never be the kind of husband I needed him to be. Years down the road, we’d be faced with the same thing, over and over again. I, in no way, considered him a dog or anything like that; and by all means, he’d made some major changes. But his changes weren’t good enough for me. Maybe they were good enough for him, and good enough for Scorpio. At this point, they weren’t good enough for me. It’s as if he wanted me to share him. Now, what kind of mess was that? He hadn’t taken our vows as seriously as I had. With that, I contacted an attorney the other day and filed for a divorce.
Just sitting and listening to the attorney talk to me about my options made me even more miserable. And no matter how hard I tried to calm the emotional roller coaster I’d been on, I couldn’t. There was so much that I didn’t understand: why, how and where did we go so wrong kept popping in my head. I even put the blame on myself, thinking what if I could or should have done this or that a little differently. I quickly tossed that thought aside. Everyone who had known me knew I had given my marriage my all.
When I left the lawyer’s office that day, I stopped at the mall to fill out some applications for employment. I had to start making a living for myself. As long as Jaylin’s money took care of me, he would feel as if he owned me. I wanted my independence back, and the only way I could get it was by starting over. I always loved makeup, perfumes, and fashion. When I stopped at one of the perfume counters in a major department store, I asked the lady behind the counter if they were hiring. She just happened to be the manager, and she admired how beautifully my makeup was done, as well as my attire. She told me to go online and complete an application. When I got home that day, I did. She called me the following day, and I was due to start my new job next Wednesday.
I knew that working would keep my mind off what was going on, and it would allow me to get out of this cramped condo, which was really making me crazy. That’s why I didn’t want the kids here with me. Knowing that my sadness was affecting them, I just couldn’t stand to have them around. In addition to that, I now had myself an even bigger fish to fry.
Recently Jaylin had made me a promise, and that was one promise he’d kept. The last time we had made love, he promised me that I’d get pregnant. Lo and behold, I missed my period. I made a doctor’s appointment right away. When my doctor came back into the room, I could tell by the look on his face that I was with child. “It’s almost a miracle,” he had confirmed. “And I’m so glad that you and Jaylin did not give up!”
At any other time, I would have jumped for joy. And I later found out that it wasn’t the last time we’d had sex that I’d gotten pregnant, it was the time before that. I struggled with calling Jaylin to tell him about the baby, and debated if I should consider an abortion. I knew how difficult it was for me to get pregnant, and this could have been my last opportunity to have a child. The timing was so bad for me. If I called Jaylin, he would see this as a sign that we needed to stay together. Unfortunately, that’s not how I saw it. I didn’t want to use this baby as an excuse for us to get back together. Not this time—it wasn’t going to happen.
With that said, I ... I terminated the pregnancy. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I kept having flashbacks of it in my head: from the white gown that I wore, to the sound of that suction noise that happened when the doctor was between my legs, all of it made me sick to my stomach. When it was over, I rushed to the bathroom to throw up. I could barely catch my breath and immediately regretted my decision.
Since then, I had been walking around my condo like a zombie. When Jaylin came by the other day, I could in no way face him. I hadn’t left my condo since. When I listened to his message this morning, obviously, he was waiting for me to leave.
After taking a long shower, I got myself ready to start my first day at work. I had a degree in marketing, so I intended to start looking around for a job that paid more. But for now, this position was allowing me to be a part of something I always wanted to do.
As soon as I got to work, I was asked to complete several forms and was given a tour of the department store.
“Just in case the customers ask where the other departments are, we want to make sure our employees have some type of idea,” said the manager.
“That’s fine,” I said, using my perfectly manicured nail to move my hanging bangs away from my forehead. I was cleanly dressed in a white pantsuit and three-inch black heels. My perfume infused the place, and my manager couldn’t wait to put me in front of the store so I could connect with the customers.
“You are so perfect,” she said, handing me a decorated basket full of sweet-smelling perfumes. I asked every customer who came in if they wanted a sample, and most did. Many of them went to the counter to purchase the perfume I was wearing. Talking to them about perfumes and fashion helped put my mind at ease. My manager gave me a thumbs-up. I smiled and continued to do my job. A few minutes later, I stepped backward and bumped into someone. When I turned to excuse myself, Jaylin stood close behind me. He was casually dressed in a black-and-gray-and-white Rebel for Life T-shirt from the Sean John collection of Diddy’s favorites. His jeans were black and faded in the front, and white leather tennis shoes covered his feet.
“What in the hell are you doing?” he snapped, removing the dark shades from his eyes.
“Working,” I said, turning to a customer who made an entrance. “Would you like a sample of perfume?”
The lady took the sample, and Jaylin tried to snatch the basket from me. “I can’t believe you!” he shouted. “Why you out here doing this stupid shit?”
“Look,” I said, turning to him. “I’m at work right now, and we’ll talk about this later. Can you please just leave me alone? Please?”
With his hands in his pockets, and his sunglasses resting on his head, he gazed at me. As I moved, he moved. “You gon’ talk to me right now, Nokea. Now, this shit has been going on for too damn long.”
“Can’t you see I’m busy? Quite frankly, there isn’t much else that needs to be said. Did you get your papers yet?”
He snatched my arm. “What fucking papers? I ain’t got no damn papers, and you’d better not be talking about what I think you’re talking about.”
His demanding tone had upset me. I turned to him with true anger in my eyes and pointed my finger in his face. “If you haven’t gotten them yet, you’ll be getting them soon. This is over, Jaylin. It is so over! Go marry that bitch who you can’t stop sticking your dick into. Let her have more of your babies, and give her your last name, because I don’t want it. Maybe it means something to her, and I truly hope the two of you live happily ever after.”
Jaylin snatched the basket from my hand and tossed it like a flying saucer. My manager had been eyeballing us. When she came from behind the counter, she asked if I needed her to call security.
Jaylin stroked his goatee—hard. “Do you mind staying the fuck out of my business? I’m speaking to my wife, if you don’t mind.”
My manager looked at me and I told her security was
not necessary. She watched as Jaylin grabbed my arm again, tugging me in the direction that he wanted me to go. I was skidding through the mall in my heels, trying to pull away from him. We seriously looked like Ike and Tina Turner, when she was trying to get away from him. People were looking, and the whole scene was quite embarrassing. Jaylin’s grip on my arm was so strong, and he didn’t let it go until we reached his truck, where he shoved me inside. He got in, locking the doors.
“Now that I have your attention,” he said, looking over at me, “what’s going on with you, Nokea? Why are you playing this game and won’t even talk to me? What kind of shit is that? As a married couple, we’re supposed to talk about shit and work through our troubles. I can’t believe you’ve just given up on us like this.”
I sat, looking straight ahead, with my hand resting on the side of my face. I’d already said what I had to say, and the divorce papers said the rest.
“Do you hear me talking to you?” he yelled. “Say something! Are you really going to divorce me? Is that what you really and truly want?”
Still ignoring him, I closed my eyes and wiggled my fingers on the side of my face, humming to myself inside. I wanted to tune him out. As loud as he was, I couldn’t.
He hit the dash with his hand. “Woman, would you stop ignoring me like that! Let’s talk this shit out. Now.” His voice calmed and I opened my eyes. “I can’t say I’m sorry enough,” he said. “I’m sorry, and I will never put you through this again. I—I feel so alone and I can’t even sleep at night anymore. You’re on my mind, day in and day out, baby, and I don’t want to proceed in life without you. You are my everything, Nokea, and this is just the one and only mistake I’ll ever make in our marriage. Give me a chance to make it up to you. I will spend the rest of my life doing it, and I don’t want to be alone anymore. Not anymore,” he said, pausing to swallow. “Just come home.”
Seeing Jaylin so upset always made my heart go out to him. He rarely showed his emotions by crying. Instead, he showed what he was feeling inside by his anger and by throwing tantrums. His tantrum had ceased, but his words were not enough to make me change my mind about divorcing him. I touched the unlock button on the door. “I’m sorry too, Jaylin. I’m so sorry it has to be this way. You’ve made your bed, and now you must lay in it.”
Jaylin reached for my arm and dropped his head on the steering wheel. He used his arm to shield the pain in his eyes.
“I can’t live without you, and I won’t live without you. All I want to do is sleep, and I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t think—nothing.”
“Surely, you can fuck, though, can’t you? I’d bet any amount of money in the world that through all of this you’ve made time for fucking your whore. That there is Jaylin’s style, baby. No matter how much it hurts me, that is definitely how you do it. And you will continue on doing it.”
He didn’t respond. I knew what that meant, and I was glad that our conversation was over. Jaylin remained in the car with his head on the steering wheel; I went back inside to see if I still had a job. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t.
JAYLIN
I had been in denial and finally realized ... this was some serious shit! What in the hell was wrong with me for not even thinking that something like this could happen? My life as I had known it was destroyed! I had my money, my kids, my nanny, but in no way did I have possession of the woman I loved. She was done. No matter how hard I tried, Nokea was not changing her mind about divorcing me. I had underestimated her, and shame on me for taking her for granted. I didn’t realize just how much damage I’d done, until I actually sat on the edge of my bed with the divorce papers in my hand. I didn’t intend on signing nothing, and I would drag this on for as long as I could. Maybe she’d have a change of heart and realize that we were destined to be together. She had to, and she had to do it real soon.
Why? Because I was seeming a bit unstable. I hadn’t done any work with Shane; I kept forgetting to do shit because my mind was so preoccupied with the thoughts of Nokea; I was feeling depressed. I got tired of putting on my game face for the kids, but they were counting on me. The constant questions they were asking were driving me insane. Whoever said that during times like this, the kids are the ones most affected—well, they didn’t lie. I had not been going to get Mackenzie and Justin every day, like I’d done in the past, and I had started to make it every other day. I was just getting tired, and the entire situation was draining.
Scorpio picked up the slack on her end, and Nanny B was doing her best, too, to make sure the kids were okay. Even at a time like this, I could always turn to Nanny B. Regarding her attitude toward me, she was still acting shitty about the whole thing. I was like ... fuck it. If she didn’t want to listen, oh well. The only person I wasn’t catching any gripe from was Scorpio. She was nice and understanding. She wasn’t pressuring me about anything, not even about having more sex with her. I knew she wanted more. Every time I went inside her, though, the guilt from what I was doing was eating me alive. I didn’t like the way I felt afterward, but I had some major needs that had to be met. As a man, I couldn’t deprive myself, and I didn’t know if Nokea would ever come around. The divorce papers implied that she wasn’t, and that was very bad news for me. I picked up the phone, dialing Nokea’s number, expecting to get voice mail.
“Day fifty-seven. No, I am not giving you a divorce. It ain’t happening, and that’s all there is to it. I miss you very, very much. Call me.” I hung up.
About an hour later, I got a phone call. It was not the one I had been waiting on, nor was it one that I had prepared myself for. It was Nokea’s mother, calling from St. Louis. I heard her father in the background talking shit, and he definitely had every right to be upset.
“Jaylin, we trusted you,” her mother said. Even though she wasn’t in front of me, I visualized her disgusted face over the phone. “Lord knows that I’ve been praying for the two of you to work things out. Nokea knows how we feel about divorces, and God will not accept any excuses for it. Talk to her, Jaylin. Get off your behind and do whatever to save your marriage! Do you hear me?”
“I’ve been trying, Mama. She won’t even talk to me. I just got the divorce papers today.” I rubbed my forehead as I looked up, staring at the sky-view ceiling in my bedroom. “I don’t know what else to do. Talk to her again for me. Doesn’t she know how you feel about divorces? I know she’ll listen or talk to you.”
“I have tried to reckon with her, and I hope that I’ve not been wasting my time. Have you repented to God and prayed for him to save your marriage?”
“Yes, I’ve done all of that. He ain’t hearing me, though. She’s getting further and further away from me. I feel it.”
“Jaylin, I really hate it that you messed up. Why would you do something like this to my daughter? She gave her all to you, and I know darn well she did. Either way, God will forgive you. Let’s just hope that Nokea can too. Kiss my grandbabies for me, and I want you to bring them here real soon. I hate that you-all are so far away, and Lord knows I want to be there for my child, who, I know, is going through something. My legs been bothering me real bad, and flying or driving right now would kill me. Y’all need to—”
“We’ll work it out. I will fix this, Mama. Someway or somehow, I’m going to do it.”
Her father took the phone, adding his two cents. “What kind of man are you?” he shouted. I knew where this conversation was going. Even though he had cheated on his wife before, I figured he would sit there and judge my situation. “My daughter deserves so much better than you, and I warned her that you’d hurt her again. I don’t give a damn if she doesn’t reconcile with you. How much do you expect her to put up with? I mean, this isn’t your first time being unfaithful to her, is it? You’ve been cheating since the two of you have been married, and your shit has just now caught up with you. If she decides to divorce you, she and those kids are coming back home to me.”
That fast, he pissed me the fuck off! “My family ain’t going no damn where
, Mr. Brooks. And how dare you sit there and talk that shit to me, when you’ve had your share of problems as well. I had been faithful to my wife, and you should know better than I do that sometimes shit happens. I don’t mean no disrespect, but I’m not in the mood to listen to your false accusations about me. Get the facts, and then talk to me, man-toman, like you got some sense. Until then, I have nothing else to say to you, or to anyone whom I classify as a hypocrite. Or for that matter, someone who sounds like a damn fool!”
He hung up, leaving me in a rage and trying to calm down. I hated people who always tried to point the finger at others. Their shit wasn’t right, but they were always trying to tell you how to correct your life. Mr. Brooks had always been guilty of that, but Nokea’s mother seemed very understanding. Her words did make me feel horrible, though. I wanted to prove to her parents that Nokea had made the right choice. I knew her father was wishing she’d stayed married to Collins. For now, her mother seemed to have my back, and that was very good news. I hoped she’d make some kind of progress with Nokea and do it soon.
Shane was doing his best to keep me afloat. He knew I had backed off the business end of things, but he was still going strong. The other day, he showed me a check for $750,000, which he was going to deposit into our business account. Now, that was one of the lesser checks that we’d gotten, but I felt good about Shane going ahead and handling things. He was proud too, and he and I, along with Tiffanie, went to celebrate that night. Shane had been spending much more time with her, and I guess he had learned from my mistakes. When you had something good, do not let it get away from you. The two of them seemed to connect well. Being with them made me think of Nokea the entire night. Tiffanie and Shane both were hopeful that we would work things out.
Jaylin's World Page 12
