I sadly looked down. “I am, but I would be even more miserable with him. I don’t know how to get over this bad feeling that I have inside. All I can think about is somehow getting back at him. I want him to feel what I’m feeling. I don’t think he even knows what this pain feels like, and a part of me just ... I just wish something bad would happen to him. I never thought I could feel that way about him, ever.”
“No, you don’t wish him any harm,” Nanny B said. “That’s just that ole devil trying to get at you when you’re weak. His motive is to kill, steal, and destroy. Don’t let him win. Figure out a way to get from underneath his grip. With me, I eventually forgave my husband for all of his wrongdoings. But the most important thing, Nokea, is I found myself during some of my most difficult and challenging times. Take this time to find out who you are and what you really want. Celebrate your life, as you have so much to be thankful for. Even at a time like this, you need to celebrate the good things in your life. I don’t need to tell you what they are, and all you need to do is look around you. I talked to Jaylin the other day about the same thing. Life is too short for a bunch of nonsense, and whatever happened to people exploring their dreams? Have you been so wrapped up with Jaylin that you’ve forgotten about yours? Maybe so. I hope and pray that the two of you work this out, but don’t stay in your marriage based on what others want. Do what feels right for you, okay?”
I nodded in response. To put me at ease, Nanny B started talking about the kids and all that they’d been getting into since I’d been away. It sounded as if she and Jaylin had their hands full, and I told her just that as she was on her way to the door. Nanny B gave me a tight hug, squeezing me. She told me that she loved me and encouraged me to be good and to stay well.
Later that night, I lay in bed, thinking about my talk with Nanny B and about Jaylin as well. I was kicking up a sweat, having some serious Jaylin withdrawals. I couldn’t stop thinking about how bad he was suffering, and I wondered what he was doing. The thoughts of him being with Scorpio angered me. What if he was at her place tonight? Being without him was so difficult. However, since our day in court was coming soon, I guessed I’d better get used to being alone.
For whatever reason, I needed him to forgive me for what I’d done to our child. It was hard for me to forgive myself. As I thought about his messages, I felt terrible. Tonight, I was in a mood to celebrate life, as Nanny B had suggested. I needed to see Jaylin, and I wanted to release all that was inside me. Since we’d been married, it was hard for me to go two or three days without making love to him. To go this long without him being inside me, it made me crazy. I got tired of touching myself and thinking about all that he was capable of doing to my body. I couldn’t go another day without the man I desired to have.
I pulled the covers back and got out of bed. Dressed in my knee-length peach nightgown, I got in my car and left. I drove to our house, parking my car in the arched driveway. It was one forty-five in the morning, and the house was partially dark. There were several lights that always stayed on, but I could tell that everyone was asleep. I crept into the house, tiptoeing my way to the bedroom. When I cracked the door, the television was the only thing lighting up the room. I could barely hear the light jazz music that Jaylin sometimes played to fall asleep. Surprisingly, he was not in the bed. My stomach tightened as I had a feeling where he might be. Water rushed to my eyes and I looked around at our bedroom, which was rather messy. The bed hadn’t been made; two pairs of his pants were on the floor, and so were some of his tennis shoes. A half-empty bottle of Grey Goose was on the nightstand, with an empty glass beside it. Next to that was a porn magazine. As I moved to the other side of the bed to see what Jaylin had been indulging himself with, I saw him sprawled out on the floor. He was passed out with no clothes on. My eyes scanned down his chiseled, muscular body, causing my insides to moisten. I removed my nightgown and laid it on the bed with my keys. I straddled my legs over Jaylin, looking down at how handsome he appeared while sleeping.
“Jaylin,” I whispered. He was so out of it, and all I could see was his chest heaving up and down. The smell of the alcohol was pretty strong. There was no telling how long he’d been out like this. Hopefully, not for too long. I whispered his name again, but he didn’t budge. I then squatted down, resting my goods directly on top of his limp dick. I laced his shaft with my wetness, and the feel of it made me so hungry for him. Slowly, but surely, his nine-plus started to rise. Jaylin’s eyelids fluttered. When he saw that I was on top of him, he shockingly jumped from his sleep. He squeezed his eyes; then he widened them to look at me.
“Nokea?” he said, slowly sitting up on his elbows.
I rubbed his chest, feeling his heartbeat accelerate. “Yes, it’s me. Now relax.”
His dick quickly shot up, hard as a solid rock. He reached out to touch my breasts, but I pinned his arms to the floor with my hands. I positioned myself, then jolted down hard on top of him, swallowing every inch of his dick inside me. My force was powerful, and it caused both of us to grunt loudly. My insides felt as if they’d been ripped apart, and he tightened his eyes from the pressure.
“Take—take it easy on me,” he pleaded. “And please let me taste your pussy.”
I in no way took it easy on Jaylin. I released his hands, and started to do major work on him. A deep arch formed in my back, and I rode him tough, like a jockey fighting hard to win a horse race. I spewed loud grunts from the feel of him holding down my hips and pumping his dick inside me. I wanted to come so badly, so I increased my pace. My pace was at a rhythm that Jaylin couldn’t keep up with. He was sucking in his bottom lip, and his eyes were locked in with mine.
“This is so perfect, Nokea. Work that pussy, baby. I like ... love how you’re fucking me and riding this dick.”
His words caused me to work even harder. As hot beads of sweat rolled down my body, his hands had a solid grip on my ass. He squeezed it tightly, lifting my cheeks to the tip of his thick head. He was groaning each time I slammed myself back down. It wasn’t long before he stopped moving altogether and dropped his head back to the floor in defeat. “Ahhh, shit! Don’t stop, baby. Keep on popping that pussy like this. I love it, Nokea. Baby, I love it!”
I was loving this too. As I dropped back on my hands, I gave him more pleasure. I gyrated my hips, stroking him from left, then to the right. With each thrust, Jaylin’s body lifted from the floor.
“Gotdamn it,” he yelled, with his fists tightened. “Come home to me, damn it! I need you ... this... . I need this every day for the rest of my life!”
The sounds of him stirring my juices and our sweaty bodies slapping together filled the room. I slowed my pace, but Jaylin started to pick up his. He carefully watched his insertions as he licked the wetness from his lips.
“Do you want to come now?” he whispered. “I’m dying to bust this nut, but I want you to come with me.”
I nodded, and Jaylin quickly flipped himself on top of me. He held my legs apart and inched his way into my perfectly fit tunnel. It was always difficult for me to fire back with my legs being held so tight, but I didn’t mind watching him go to work. As soon as his fingers and thick head shoved against my swollen clit, it was all over with. I was on the verge of getting what I came here for. My breathing was sporadic, and my body was near a convulsion-like state. I reached up, pulling my hair on both sides.
“Do—do you forgive me?” I panted and cried out. “Please tell me that you forgive me for what I did to our child. I need to hear you say it. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.”
Jaylin dropped my legs and leaned atop me. I felt his warmness flowing inside me and down my crack. “I forgive you. Yes, baby, I do,” he whispered in my ear. “And I—I need for you to forgive me too. Please say that you forgive me and come back home.”
The intense moment was over and we stared into each other’s water-filled eyes. This was so hard on both of us, but I could in no way form the words to tell him that I forgave him. I touched his chest, slight
ly pushing it back so he could get off me. He sat up, resting his back against the side of the bed. With a frustrated look on his face, he closed his eyes, running his fingers through his wet curly hair.
“You’re not going to forgive me, are you?” he asked.
At the moment, I couldn’t say a word. I stood up and slid my nightgown over my head. My keys were on the bed. After I reached for those, I made my way to the door.
“Nokea!” Jaylin yelled. I turned, looking at him as he knelt beside the bed. Confusion was in his eyes, and he pleaded for my forgiveness. “I need for you to do that for us. It’s the only way we can work through this. I know you want that, don’t you?”
I stood for a moment; then I softly replied, “No. I don’t want us to work it out. I cannot forgive you. I’m sorry it has to be this way.”
I left, feeling numb, and knowing that great sex would never solve our problems. It was dynamite while it lasted. However, at the end of the day, our divorce was moving forward and the so-called celebration was over.
Two days later, I received a letter from Mr. Frick, advising me that Jaylin would be contesting the divorce. With that, our attorneys received letters from the courts, advising us of a scheduled court date when the judge would hear our arguments and possibly make a decision. My attorney said that this was a good thing because there were so many marital assets involved: the children, the house, the many properties Jaylin had, his money and his investments.... Going to court was the best route to go. I listened to his recent call on my voice mail and could barely make out what he’d said because his voice was so low.
“Day eighty-eight. How in the hell can you come over here and fuck me like that, then divorce me? That’s some cold shit, Nokea. As you know, we’re expected in court tomorrow. Time is not on our side and I hope you will see things for the way they need to be. I thoroughly enjoyed myself the other night, and my body craves for more of you. Don’t make me live without you. If it helps, I love you. Always will, Nokea. See you soon.”
I’d gotten to the point where I looked forward every day to hearing Jaylin’s messages—good or bad. As angry as I was, my heart still went out to him. No matter what, though, I had to do this for me. I had put Jaylin before myself too many times, and look where it got me. After my talk with Nanny B, I realized she was right. I didn’t care what other people wanted me to do, or how they wanted me to live my life. My life was my own, and this decision in no way came easy for me.
I got up early, showered and put on my long-sleeved burgundy stretch dress that hung slightly above my knees. My hair was cut like always, and it had a Dark and Lovely shine to it. I didn’t wear too much makeup, but my flawless skin made the little makeup that I had on look airbrushed. Just as I was getting ready to go, I checked my cell phone. I had a new message that had come in while I was showering. I was afraid to look, thinking it would be from Jaylin. I didn’t know if I could deal with any communication from him on this morning. Instead, the call was from Nanny B, trying to make her final plea to me.
“Good morning, Nokea. You’re about to come to the conclusion of one of the biggest decisions of your life. My only hope is that you’ve thought this out carefully. Whatever you decide, we’ll all just have to live with it. I love you, and my prayer is that your heart and soul will be filled someday with the happiness you deserve. Keep your head up and do what they always say ... ‘keep on trucking.”’
I had already been so emotional this morning and Nanny B’s message didn’t help. I missed my family so much and I couldn’t wait for all of this to be done.
I arrived a tad bit late to court; traffic wasn’t on my side. When I got to the courthouse, my attorney was waiting for me. Jaylin and Frick were there as well. As soon as I opened the door, Jaylin turned his head and looked at me with no expression. The saddened look in his eyes, which I hated to see, was there, but I looked at my attorney to avoid it. Jaylin sure looked good, though, and his cologne infused the entire courtroom. There was no denying that he could wear any black suit and turn it into something special. Sure he’d gone out of his way to look spectacular for me, and I had done the same. I walked down the aisle, moving my hair away from my face as part of it covered my eye. I kept my eyes on my attorney. When I reached her, she stood to give me a hug.
“Are you ready?” she asked. “The judge should be here in a minute. I don’t know if we’ll be able to wrap this up today; sometimes these things take a little longer.”
I nodded and took my place next to her. Just to get a glance at Jaylin, I turned to my attorney to start a conversation. Jaylin was bent over with his elbows on his knees and hands shielding his face. From his lowered head, I could tell he was praying. Frick was talking to him, but was getting no response.
“Don’t you worry,” my attorney said. “You’re going to be just fine. He really has no basis for contesting this divorce. Let’s hope this goes quicker than expected.”
When Judge Kay Catrel came in, my heart dropped to my stomach. I slowly stood up; Jaylin was even slower, being the last person to stand. After we took our oaths, we were ordered to take our seats. Good thing, as my legs immediately started to weaken.
“Let’s see,” the judge said, looking at the documents in front of her. “What do we have here today?” She peered over her glasses, looking at me and my attorney, then at Frick and Jaylin. She looked at the documents again; then she addressed Frick.
“Mr. Frick, I’m not quite clear about your client contesting the divorce. On what basis?”
Mr. Frick came from around the table, clearing his throat. Full of arrogance, he eased his hands in his pockets and spoke clearly. “On the basis that Mr. Rogers does not wish to divorce his wife. He’s always been a family man and has provided well for his wife and children. In the documentation that we have presented to the court today, you will see just how well he has provided. He does not wish to separate his family, and doing so would be detrimental to his children. I’ll make this very simple, if I can, Your Honor. Mrs. Rogers has no justifiable claims for divorce, other than to disrupt a family that she, herself, will admit to you today, she dearly loves. Indeed, her request for dissolution of the marriage should be denied.”
Well, I’ll be damned, I thought. How was I the one willing to disrupt my family? Frick was way out of line, but I knew my attorney would clear up that mess.
The judge looked at Jaylin. He was still sitting with his elbows on his knees, shielding his face with his hands, and looking down at the ground. “Mr. Rogers, I understand that this may be difficult for you, but please sit up straight. If you would like to address the court, now is your time to do it.”
Jaylin sat up straight; then he stood to his feet. He looked at her with compassion and sorrow in his eyes. I wondered if his look pained her as much as it pained me. Already, this wasn’t looking too good for me.
“I—I really don’t have much to say, Your Honor. I made a mistake—one mistake—and my wife wishes to divorce me.” He turned to look at me. “That’s not what a marriage is about. We’re supposed to face our challenges together, not give up when things happen. I don’t want this divorce to be granted. Even though my reasoning may not be good enough to stop this, I am hoping the love you can see that I have for my wife may be enough. I’m counting on you to make the right decision.” He paused for a second, eyes still connected with mine. “Damn, baby, you all I got. Please don’t go through with this. I’m begging you, Nokea. From now on, I promise to be everything that you need me to be. One more chance, that’s all I ask of you.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned my head to look away. I swear, nobody knew how painful this was. Seeing him like this just made me crazy.
The judge asked him to take a seat. When I turned my head, she looked like she wanted to say “poor baby” and go stroke his head. She blinked, then looked at my attorney. My lawyer, Anna Delaney, stood up.
“Your Honor, the mistake that Mr. Rogers is referring to has to do with infidelity issues—iss
ues that led to his conceiving a child outside the marriage. My client’s life has been turned upside down in finding out the truth behind her husband’s adulterous affair, which has lingered on with the same woman for years and years. Throughout the years, Mrs. Rogers has remained faithful to her husband and wholeheartedly dedicated to their children. Her requests are simple and should be immediately granted by this court of honorable law.”
Anna removed her glasses, wiping the smudges from them. She then put them back on, picked up a piece of paper and continued. “Mrs. Rogers would like for her divorce to be granted immediately. She accepts joint custody where the children are concerned, and is requesting twenty thousand dollars a month in spousal support. When you review the marital assets, you will clearly see that the amount she is requesting is minimal. Before entering into the marriage, Mr. Rogers’s assets exceeded well over seventy million dollars. Throughout the marriage, those numbers have tremendously increased, and the reason why I bring this to your attention is simple. Mrs. Rogers’s request for only twenty thousand dollars a month shows the desire she has to move forward with her life and leave the past behind her. Stripping her husband of his wealth is not her intention. The only thing that she seeks is a peace of mind. We know you can’t legally grant her that, Your Honor, but today we hope that you will grant her a path to her freedom.”
I kept my praying hands in front of me. When the judge asked if I wanted to address the court, I declined. My attorney had already said what I wanted her to say, and I didn’t want to make this any more difficult than it already was.
“Mrs. Rogers,” the judge said, watching me wipe my tears. “Have you at least considered a legal separation, instead? Obviously, this is painful for you too. Do you still love your husband?”
I was under oath, so I couldn’t lie. “Yes, I do.”
“I can’t tell you how many couples come in here requesting a divorce and later regret it. You can petition your superior or family court for a legal separation and they will grant it. Many people do it because of their religious beliefs or due to the morals and values they hold against divorces. Legally, you will remain married to Mr. Rogers, but you will live separately from him. In the months to come, if you decide the legal separation does not work for you, then you may proceed with your divorce. Let me make myself clear.... I’m never delighted about being in a position where I have to grant any couple a divorce. I prefer to bring people together, rather than tear them apart. The decision, however, is yours. Is it possible for you to consider a legal separation right now rather than a divorce?”
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