The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: Squirrel Meets World

by Shannon Hale

  “So, you got your basic keep-your-real-name-a-secret-so-bad-guys-can’t-attack-your-weaker-loved-ones rationale,” said Maureen.

  Dor waved, identifying himself as a weaker loved one. “Also so they can’t track you down at home, when you’re asleep and vulnerable,” said Dor. “You don’t want Loki sifting through your garbage.”

  “I’m pretty sure Loki doesn’t do garbage,” said Doreen.74

  “You never know. I just can’t trust a man in a horned helmet. There, I said it, call me prejudiced if you want to. But besides the safety reasons,” Maureen said, touching her third finger, “most Super Heroes need a life beyond heroing, some downtime, for Pete’s sake, without people after them to save this or that or take a selfie. I mean, poor Thor can’t even get shawarma without the paparazzi knowing about it.”

  “All I’m saying is, would it kill the man to wear a shirt?” said Dor.

  “But the real issue is that you were grounded and you promised—”

  “I saved a baby, Mom,” Doreen said.

  Her father looked at her with sad eyes. “Chasing down a carjacker? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Pshaw! Hurt?” Doreen smiled. “Clearly the issue here is that you hate babies and want them NOT to be saved.”75

  Her father’s expression melted into a smile. “Disgusting little creatures,” he said in a terrible attempt at an English accent. “Do away with the lot of them, I say!”

  “We can make an exception for baby-saving, right, Dor?” her mother said. “In the neighborhood, anyway. No going to New York to save babies. They already have the Avengers.”

  “How about toddler-saving?” Doreen asked.

  “I guess toddlers are okay, too,” her mother said.

  “How about grown-ups who act like toddlers?”

  “Nope,” her father said. “Too many of those. You’d be out all the time. No risking yourself as Squirrel Girl unless it’s to save a real human baby, promise?”

  Doreen nodded just as her phone buzzed with a text message.

  ANA SOFÍA

  Alert alert is this line secure

  DOREEN

  What does that even mean? Wait does your phone have spy scrambler mode I want one of those

  ANA SOFÍA

  I meant r u in a place where people can read this

  DOREEN

  Just parentals

  ANA SOFÍA

  Good I know ur grounded but a balloon got loose

  DOREEN

  You really need to tie those things to your wrist

  ANA SOFÍA

  No srsly I was sleuthing76 near the burger frog grand opening. A hot air balloon got untethered and is floating away. A man and woman are screaming that their baby is on the balloon

  DOREEN

  WOOHOO! My parents made an exception for baby saving

  ANA SOFÍA

  Really u can? Yes she’s back!

  Doreen looked at her parents in as significant a way as she could manage.

  “What?” her father asked.

  Her mother blinked. “No way. Another baby?”

  “Another baby,” Doreen said. “In a runaway hot-air balloon.”

  “No way, indeed,” her father said. “What is it with this town?”

  “But…but I thought that if…” Doreen said. The excitement building in her chest started to curdle.

  “Go, sweetie,” her mother said.

  Her father nodded. “Go. But keep your hood on, okay?”

  Doreen smiled, pulled on her hood, and leaped out the window.

  SQUIRREL GIRL

  Squirrel Girl scampered onto the Greens’ roof and scanned the horizon. Just cresting the roof of Ralph’s Supermarket in Shady Oaks’ town center was the curved edge of a rising balloon. Squirrel Girl leaped from the top of her roof to the neighbor’s, and mid-leap was joined by Tippy-Toe, who clawed up her legs and onto her shoulder.

  “Chk?” asked Tippy-Toe.

  Squirrel Girl leaped from the neighbor’s roof to a tree, to another roof, and then onto the pole of a streetlight.

  “See that?” Squirrel Girl said, pointing to the rising balloon several blocks away. “It got loose.”

  “Chk tchika,” Tippy-Toe said.

  “I know,” Squirrel Girl said, jumping from pole to pole. “But there’s a baby on this one. By itself.”

  “Chikki chuk!” Tippy-Toe said.

  Squirrel Girl leaped to a nearby oak, a sycamore, a maple, and then another oak.77

  “Usually we do take better care of our babies,” Squirrel Girl said. “This is not normal.”

  With each tree-stop Squirrel Girl made, Tippy chittered to the local inhabitants, and soon a crowd of squirrels was following them. The leaping, the chittering, tail out under the sun—Squirrel Girl was feeling about as awesome as awesomely possible.

  Her phone buzzed.

  ANA SOFÍA

  Don’t head to balloon. Wind is pushing it west

  Squirrel Girl veered west. She scampered to the top of an air-conditioning unit on the roof and leaped against the wall of a neighboring building, propelling herself up and to the edge of an even taller building. She flung herself onto the roof and scanned the horizon. She was only about five blocks away, but the balloon was still rising. If she didn’t get to it soon, it would be too high to reach unless she had an Iron Man suit.78

  Squirrel Girl pointed to the largest building in the town, an eight-story bland brick rectangle.

  “What building is that?”

  “Chk chikka chit,” Tippy-Toe said.

  “It’s called the Throat Rope Nest? Really? That sounds horrible!”

  “Chuk chk,” Tippy-Toe added.

  “Oh, right,” Squirrel Girl said, leaping to a flagpole, swinging around it, and flinging herself to the next building. “Throat ropes are neckties. People who wear ties go there. Business building or something.”

  Squirrel Girl leaped onto the roof of a building covered with a rocky gravel that scattered violently at her landing. Pigeons flapped away, cooing in a not-nice manner.

  “Sorry, but you don’t have to be jerks about it!” Squirrel Girl shouted after them.79

  The balloon was rising, too high now to reach from any building except the Throat Rope one.

  “If I don’t catch it when it goes by that building,” Squirrel Girl said, “I think it will be too far up.”

  “Chk,” Tippy said, leaping off her shoulder. The squirrel scampered over to the edge of the building they were on and began chittering loudly toward the trees across the street. A second later Squirrel Girl saw little fuzzy heads bubbling up from the tops of distant trees.

  “Wait, did you just call them to a fling party?” asked Squirrel Girl.

  “Cht-chkka,” Tippy-Toe said, climbing back onto Squirrel Girl’s shoulder as she ran.

  “Really? You think that will work?”

  “Chkkuk,” Tippy-Toe said, with the tail-twitch equivalent of a shrug.

  With two more leaps and a swing, Squirrel Girl hit the side of the Throat Rope Nest at about floor six. She dug her claws into the masonry and began to climb.

  She heard a scream as she climbed, looked around to see if someone needed help, and spotted a young man in a throat rope80 just inside the window she was climbing. His face was pale and horrified, and he was pointing out the window with such fear that Squirrel Girl had to turn around to see if there was a zombie or a dragon or a zombie dragon behind her. There wasn’t, so she waved at the man and continued to climb.

  From the building’s roof, she could see the balloon. It seemed much farther away than thirty feet. And the balloon was still rising.

  “Chk-chkka,” Tippy-Toe said. Squirrels were streaming up the side of the building and gathering near the edge of the roof with their paws out.

  “Right,” Squirrel Girl said. “Fling party. Let’s do this.” She backed up to the opposite side of the building, and then ran, fast. She hurled herself into the crowd of squirrels and jumped toward the balloon. As
she did, she felt two hundred tiny paws and furry tails push against her, giving her lift like a little furry springboard.81

  As she flew through the air, she grinned.

  Look, Ma, I’m flying!

  She wished she could enjoy it more, but there was a baby at risk. She could hear it crying now as she neared the basket. Closer, closer…but the wind was shifting, and gravity was tugging her down. She reached out, and her hand just brushed the basket.

  “No!” she shouted, dropping. She spun in midair, her tail catching a rope that dangled over the edge of the basket. She clenched, coiling her tail around the rope and using the leverage to pull herself up and inside.

  “Yes!” she said, breathing hard.

  She picked up the crying bundle wrapped in a blanket and held it to her chest.

  “Oh, you poor thing,” she said, peering in at a little green face. “Wait.” She unwrapped the bundle. “Are you a Hulk baby?”82

  The blanket dropped to the floor of the basket to reveal a large ripe zucchini with a flat square speaker mounted to it.

  With a crackling noise, the crying coming from the speaker stopped, replaced by a repeated slapping noise.

  “That is me doing a slow clap,” said a voice from the speaker. It was low, electronic, as if altered with a voice disguise filter. “A sarcastic clap for your ‘heroic’ deed in saving a zucchini plant. BRA-VO.”

  “Wow. I guess zucchinis can be jerks,” Squirrel Girl said.

  “Congratulations on completing your first test,” the speaker announced.

  Squirrel Girl held the speaker up to her face. “This isn’t my first test,” she said to the squash. “Can you hear me? I’ve had like a hundred at school. I think my first test was in kindergarten—”

  The speaker crackled. “Your second test I call ‘gaseous vengeance.’ It will come NOT when you least expect it, but at high noon on Saturday. That is when you should expect it. At high noon. On Saturday.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think you can hear me,” Squirrel Girl said. “Otherwise you would have said next test, not second test. Because we’ve established—”

  The speaker interrupted her with a high-pitched whine. “Warn the police if you wish. I don’t care. Tell them you are ‘Squirrel Girl’ while you’re at it. They’re sure to take a squirrel-tailed girl freak seriously. HA-HA-HA-HA! You are a joke. Everyone knows you are a joke. But I am graciously giving you the opportunity to prove me and everyone else wrong. GASEOUS! VENGEANCE! HIGH! NOON!”

  The black square emitting the sound sparked, and Squirrel Girl dropped the zucchini. She watched as the gadget caught fire and burned up. She stomped out the fire before it could set flame to the basket and rescued the zucchini, which was a perfectly good vegetable and still deserved to be saved even if it wasn’t a baby. She discovered an MM logo had been burned into its green skin.

  “Huh,” Squirrel Girl said. “That proves it, I guess. Shady Oaks definitely has a Super Villain. And his name is…Muffin Master! Probably. Hopefully. It could be Murder Monkey, I guess. Or Masked Moth.83 But I really hope it’s Muffin Master.”

  DOREEN

  Back at the Squirrel Cave, aka Doreen’s tree house in the backyard, Doreen and Ana Sofía were having a highly secret and private conversation.84

  “First: here.” Ana Sofía handed Doreen a small box. Inside was a black cell phone.

  “What—?”

  “It’s nothing fancy, only good for making calls and texting,” she said. “It’s a burner. Prepaid, untraceable. I thought you should have a private phone for just when you’re her.”

  “Wow, this is the most amazing gift I’ve ever gotten. Thank you!”

  Ana Sofía opened up her laptop and began searching for something as if the gift were no big deal at all, but the corners of her mouth were twitching against a smile.

  “Now, you have to see this.” Ana Sofía connected to Doreen’s Wi-Fi85 and loaded up a video. “I found it on the dark net.86 It’s a video of—wait. Double-check no one’s near enough to eavesdrop.”

  Doreen peeked out the window of the tree house. She climbed on its roof, listened for the subtle hum of any of those weird doll-eyed bug machines, searched with her keen eyes for sight of friend or foe. She slid back into the window.

  “Nope. Nobody but us.”

  In this case, “us” was Ana Sofía Arcos Romero, Doreen Green, and approximately two hundred squirrels. Ana Sofía glanced uneasily at the teetering tower of curious squirrels that had piled up behind her, looking over her shoulder at her computer.

  “They want to see the video, too?” Ana Sofía asked.

  “Oh yeah. Tippy-Toe’s and Big Daddy Spud’s clans have agreed to join together and help us stop the Muffin Master, or whoever is hunting squirrels. Well, those two black squirrels there, Bubo Nic and M. Scummerset Maugham, are hoping you’re going to play funny cat videos, but the rest are focused and battle-ready.”

  “Do you know all their names?” asked Ana Sofía.

  “Sure, the one there next to Nic and Scummerset is Pippin Sparrowfork. The little red one behind her is Sal Adtongs. Then there’s Bumble Bow,” she said, pointing, “and Peksi Co, Pizza Dough. There is Frizzle Foe, Muffin Glow, Ivan Hoe, Sting Lo, Sheet Chariot, Cheney Mow, Varr-Noh, Epiphany Oh, Dipsy Allen Poe, Stratus Quo, Botulism Ro, Needling Sew, Howling Woe, Holdup Whoa, Quiensoy Yo,87 Lazy Susan, Daisy Susan and Dazy Susan,88 Crazy Susan,89 Suzie Skunkkiller, Fraidyskulk, Squamous Ned, Geraldine Ferraro, Campbell the Unsoup, Undertaker Tiff, Quip Natureboy, Puffin Furslide, Jerry Gnomesbane, Mister Meester, Tuppence Baldwin Squee, Sausage the Sand Witch, Alexander Hamsandwich, Penelope Underpants, Peeper Parkour (the Spectacular Spider-Squirrel), Meep the Misunderstood, Friday Gallonsaweek, Speedo Strutfuzz, Slick Undertow, Gallows Giggler, Hermione R. Giger, Hannah Scare-share, Boo Stairscare, Sparkle Starstare, Brady Spareswear, Lady Sportswear, Tom the Third, Kitty Sloughwalker, Fez Clubwiggins, Tantamount, Bea Carrotspaw, Shrimpy Scrimshaw, Spark Mector, Locke Jakely, Grievant Stan, the Night Loon, Will Wadeson, Maximus the Sane, Haircut Medusa, Little Sissy Hotlegs, Big Sissy Hotlegs, Spockeye, Splint Carton, Syndey Carton, Lucie Manette, Churlish Betty, Tiff Image, Zip Archive, Her Highness Spud Willoughby (Queen of the Upper Canopies), Indistinguishable Ben, Distinguishable Ben, Disease Vector, Hairless Cameron, Davey Porkpun, Platypus Kate, Cletus Scampersaw, FreelyPeas, Tammany Paul, Pallid Paul, Regular Paul, Paul, The One that Came from the Future, Shameless Ed, Calendar Earl, Pug-William (Lord of Chimneys), Citizen Squee, Maz Zissimos, Palace Tom, Miranda Creepsforth, Amanda Manylegs, Henry Hexapod, Alias the Gasbag, Leet Haxor, Crocket R. Tubbs, Davey the Hat, Petey Pistachio, Paper-Bag Head, Paper Bag-Head, Heidi Plainsight, Millicent the Uncouth, Emo Pat, Russ Jackal (SquareWolf by Night), Frogpants Louie, Baron Vermin Von Flopsweat, Kerchief Candyglow, the Oregon Tail, Mama Salad, Lap One, Startlekins the Unwieldy, Bertha Sneezeshroud, Shinylegs, Trash-heap the Silent, Gordon Soondead, Gordon-in-Waiting, Labrat McGillicutty, Purrmaster Nottacat, Broad Jump, Bread Jump, Bed Jump, Sump Pump, Fraidy Fred, Frayed Freddy, Pippin Sheepspawn, Snot Smuggler, Fun Guy Yuggoth, Fuzz Fountain Cortez, Tartan Cabertoss, Skip Turtleback, Genghis Flan, Bear Bodkin, She Who Must Not Be Named, Thing One, Thing Three,90 Rice Cat, Ozymandias O. My, Ms. McGruffit, Squirrel Version 3.5, Mr. McCoocoo, Em Em Em, Mick Donald, Nature Rat, Steven M. Inecraft, Ender Squirrel, Simon the Squidherd, Fuzz Master Flex, RubberLegs Andy—”

  “Okay,” Ana Sofía said. “That’s good. You can stop now.”

  “Sorry,” said Doreen. “Sometimes I just get so excited about how cool squirrels are. Did you know no two squirrels ever have the same name? And their bite is fifty times stronger than a human’s? And yesterday I saw Fuzz Fountain Cortez jump ten feet straight up and grab the edge of a squirrel-proof bird feeder.”

  The squirrels started squeaking so hard they fell off the tree house walls and onto the floor, rolling on their backs, holding their shaking bellies.

  “Are they okay?” asked Ana Sofía.

  “They’re just laughin
g. ‘Squirrel-proof bird feeder’ is one of their favorite jokes.”91

  “Well, if Fuzz Fountain Cortez can jump up five times her body-length, maybe you’re capable of the same—which would be…holy fire, Doreen, that would be more than twenty-five feet vertically! That must mean you can leap even farther horizontally. This video starts to prove that you do in fact have the proportional powers of a squirrel.”

  Ana Sofía pressed PLAY. The video had been shot yesterday, as Squirrel Girl raced to catch the escaping hot-air balloon and save the supposed baby.

  “That’s me!” said Doreen. “Or…her-me anyway. That’s Squirrel Girl. Hey, her-me is pretty fast. Tippy, did you know I could run that fast? I—Whoa…”

  The video had just shown her leap from the building’s roof to the balloon, a distance that seemed impossible, even with fuzzy-squirrel-catapult help. And yet, she’d done it.

  “Look how the video cuts between multiple cameras,” said Ana Sofía. “It follows you from the rooftops to the balloon, and several of the angles show that there were cameras mounted in the balloon as well. This whole deal was a set-up to film you, Doreen. This MM guy is watching you.”

  “Creeee-py,” said Doreen. “But awesome video.”

  “Chkkt-chek,” said Tippy-Toe.

  “Yeah, let’s watch it again,” said Doreen.

  Tippy-Toe chittered throughout the second viewing, giving feedback to the squirrels about how to improve their teamwork and giving names to various moves so they could practice them later.

  By the third watching, Doreen’s mood, which had begun high and excited like a kid at the top of a waterslide, now had slid down, down into a wet cold mud puddle of apprehension. Who had set this all up? And why?

  “This is creepy,” Ana Sofía agreed. “Something isn’t right. And whoever set up a fake baby-napping and filmed it isn’t done yet.”

  “It’s like a Super Villain move, you know?” said Doreen. “But a Super Villain is Super Hero territory, not Squirrel Girl territory. I wish I had, like, a real professional hero I could call up and be all, Hey, Hulk, any advice?”