Complete Works of L. Frank Baum

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Complete Works of L. Frank Baum Page 872

by L. Frank Baum


  The minister was grieved,

  And only by an earnest prayer

  His feelings he relieved.

  But Mary’s wearing bloomers now;

  The parson greets her with a bow,

  And well she knows that he ‘ll allow

  Her bloomers.

  When Mary first were bloomers

  The boys did shout and howl

  “Git onter de female Turkish guy!”

  Regardless of her scowl.

  In bloomers Mary stillis dressed--

  The boys have ceased their ribald jest

  And lost their wicked interest

  In bloomers.

  When Mary first wore bloomers

  Her sire was really shocked;

  The mater blushed and trembled

  And her brothers at her mocked.

  But Mary’s wearing them today--

  She’s confident they ‘ve come to stay;

  And men do n’t look the other way

  From bloomers.

  Unassorted Verse

  Johnson

  (Extracts from the diary of Joel Baily, Constable.)

  April 6th.

  Who’s Johnson?

  No one knows who Johnson is.

  Came to town a month ago,

  Went to work, minded his biz.--

  An’ that’s all our people know.

  Seems a quiet sort o’man,

  Doesn’t talk about his life;

  No ambition--not a plan--

  Hasn’t neither child ner wife.

  July 3d.

  Dickson’s house burnt down today.

  All rushed out, an’ in their flight

  Left their baby boy at play--

  Quite forget’n’ him through fright.

  None dared stir ‘til Johnson came,

  Heard the news an’ rushed inside,

  Fought his way through smoke an’ flame,

  Saved the child. But Johnson--died.

  No one knows who Johnson is,

  But many loved the man today,

  Glad I was a friend o’his--

  Died a hero’s death, I say.

  July 10th.

  Famous city detective’s here;

  Came to hunt a murd’rer down.

  Tracked the feller nigh a year,

  ‘Til he traced him to our town.

  Said the man was desperate--

  Worst he ever knew by half.

  Hoped he hadn’t come too late;

  Then he showed me his photograph.

  ‘T was Johnson!

  La Reine Est Mort1--

  Vive la Reine!

  THEN shout hurrah for the woman new,

  With her rights and her votes and her bloomers, too!

  Evolved though bikes and chewing gum,

  She’s come!

  And whisper farewell to the sweetheart fair,

  To the blushing cheeks and modest air;

  To the eyes that shone so tender and true--

  Adieu!

  And shout hurrah for the woman new!

  With her necktie, shirt and tooth-pick shoe,

  With tailor-made suit and mien2 severe

  She’s here!

  And bid good-by3 to the matron sweet,

  To the mother the whole world used4 to greet

  With reverence. She’s had to quit

  And flit!

  And shout hurrah for the woman new!

  Who wants a new Bible to suit her new view,

  And writes for the papers and eats at the club

  Her grub.

  And search in vain for the loving wife--

  That prise5 once counted most precious in life;

  That aggressive New Woman has put her away

  To stay!

  1. sic.

  2. 23 June 1895 Chicago Times-Herald has “mein.”

  3. newspaper version has “goodbye.”

  4. newspaper version has “loved.”

  5. newspaper version has “prize.”

  Ye Warming Pan

  OUR ancestor of early days,

  Although half civilized,

  Had still some method in his ways

  And comfort highly prized,

  He knew enough to warm his bed--

  This level-headed man--

  “God bless the chap,” he often said,

  “Who got the notion in his head

  To make the warming pan!”

  We moderns who are girded

  By all inventions new,

  Now crawl between two icy sheets

  And shiver ‘til we’re blue.

  We stick our nose above the clothes

  And yell--when speak we can--

  “The fashion blast from first to last

  That made a relic of the past

  The ancient warming pan!”

  The Egotist

  I

  NOW what care I what the world may think,

  So long as my thoughts are mine?

  I may revel in dreams that are sweet to me,

  In fancies and vagaries pleasant and free;

  And no one will know of the joys I drink--

  So long as my thoughts are mine.

  II

  And what care I what the world may say,

  So long as my words are mine?

  For others may prate of their worldly cares,

  Of troubles, ambitions, of business or shares;

  But I may converse in a pleasanter way--

  So long as my words are mine.

  III

  And what care I what the world may do,

  So long as my deeds are mine?

  The scramble for wealth and power and fame

  Is a life that to me seems dull and tame;

  For I--but that I must not tell you

  So long as my deeds are mine!

  The Youngster

  I

  A MAN is as old as he feels, they say.

  And I feel quite young, and my heart is light;

  Nor can I explain in plausible way

  The dimness that ‘s creeping athwart my sight.

  II

  My heart is light and I laugh with joy,

  Nor care a jot for the world and its ways;

  Not even rheumatic twinges alloy

  The pleasures I glean from these youthful days.

  III

  I laugh with joy--and I’d leap with glee

  If only my back would permit the play;

  For dear are the frolics of youth to me.

  And a man ‘s as young as he feels, they say!

  Nance Adkins

  (Three years in succession the Dakota wheat crop failed. The third year farmers were left without seed. A committee was appointed to seek aid from neighboring states and to borrow sufficient wheat to furnish the needy farmers the required seed.

  (Their efforts were successful, but many of the farmers were too proud to apply to the committee, or to accept what they considered charity. The story of Nance Adkins is true.)

  SO I up an’ says to William,

  As he sot the winder nigh

  An’ watched the flutterin’ snow flakes

  As they floated from the sky:

  “Come, old man--don’t look so bitter,

  Fill yer pipe, an’ take a smoke;

  Draw yer chair up nigh the fire,

  An’ let’s talk awhile an’ joke!

  “It ain’t right to be downhearted;

  Time to laugh is jest the while

  When yer feel yer’d like ter blubber--

  Then it ‘s some use fer to smile!”

  “Yes, says he, “I know, old woman,

  What it’s right I orter do;

  But the pluck is all gone from me--

  Nothin’s left ter buckle to

  “That can keep my wife an’ children

  From starvation’s boney grasp,

  An’ the future ‘s dark an’ dreary--

  Ruin ‘s come to us at last!

  “To be sure, I might
ha’ mor’gaged

  All we had to buy us feed

  ‘Til there comes another harvest,

  If we only had the seed.

  “Yes--I know--I might ‘a’ had it,

  But the false pride held me back;

  I could ‘nt make the ‘application’

  An’ beg--fer a single sack!

  “I could easy face the hardships

  That ‘s a comin’, I well know,

  If it was n’t that the children

  An’ you, wife, must suffer so!”

  “Come, come, Bill,” says I, quite cheerful,

  Though a lump were in my throat,

  “There’s a many honest honest farmer

  That ‘s in jest as bad a boat.

  “So let ‘s kneel; and ask fer courage

  As we’re told to in His word;

  It ‘ll make our hearts feel lighter,

  Even if the prayer ain’t heard.”

  Solemnly we knelt us down,

  And together, hand in hand,

  Prayed that He would grant His mercy

  To the needy in the land.

  Suddenly there come a rappin’

  Right there on our kitchen door,

  An’ William opened it an’ found

  A man we ‘d never seen afore.

  An’ he says, so bright an’ smilin’,

  “Farmer, here’s a load o’ wheat

  Jest the ‘mount ye need fer seedin’--

  Please ter sign this here receipt.

  “Fer I come from the C’mitte

  That has raised fer honest men

  All the seed they need fer puttin’

  ‘Em upon their feet agen.

  “Here ‘s yer orig’nal Application:

  ‘Farmer Adkins has a need

  Fer an even hundred bushel,

  On his land to use fer seed.

  “‘Signed, Bill Adkins.’ There ye are, sir,

  An’ of course ye’ll pay the men

  Fer the seed they have advanced ye

  When the harvest comes agen.”

  Silent like Bill took the paper;

  Silent turned to where I stood

  With the tears a rollin’ down my

  Face--because I felt so good!

  An’ he reached out both his strong arms

  An he hugged me to his breast,

  Sayin’, “Nance, of all the blessin’s

  On this earth, the very best

  “Is a wife that ‘s kind an’ loving!

  This here seed I do n’t despite,

  Though I guess the applicater

  Were a woman ‘bout your size.

  “Come, old girl, we ‘ll kneel once more;

  You can thank the God above

  Fer the blessin’ of the seed-wheat,

  An’ I fer a noble woman’s love!”

  A Bird Dog

  IN the cage was the canary

  Trilling forth in accents merry,

  Full of life and also very

  Graciously contented.

  On the floor the little Pug,

  Watching, lay upon a rug,

  And, to judge from wrinkled mug,

  Biridie’s glee resented.

  Soon he sprang upon the table--

  Though you ‘d scarce think he was able--

  And straightaway ensued the babel

  Discordant and hideous!

  Mary, hearing sounds of fray,

  Entered quick in dire dismay,

  But alas! the feathers lay

  Scattered most invidious.

  Mary was beside herself,

  But the Pug cared naught; the elf

  Had the bird inside himself

  And was satisfied.

  Mary wept and Mary wailed,

  But the murd’rer never quailed;

  He ‘d have wept if he had failed,

  Now he grinned with pride.

  When the Whistle Blows

  TIRED faces brighten

  When the whistle blows,

  Grave eyes quickly lighten,

  For the workman knows

  Now the tedious work is done,

  Day is at its close,

  And the daily wage is won

  When the whistle blows.

  Homeward thoughts are turning

  When the whistle blows,

  For the hearthstone yearning

  And the sweet repose

  Surely won in labor’s mart;

  So the workman goes

  To his home with joyful heart

  When the whistle blows.

  The Heretic

  I KNOW they calls me “heretic”--

  An names that’s even wuss,

  ‘N’ say as I ‘m a shif’less chap,

  Not wuth a tinker’s cuss

  They ask me why I do n’t go t’ church

  An’ hear the parson preach

  An’ lis’n to the doctrines

  He’s anxious fer to teach.

  The church is mighty grand an’ fine,

  Too fine fer me, I guess,

  Fer it ‘s a place where rents are high

  An’ all is style an’ dress.

  The parson gets, fer what he says,

  A mighty lib’ral pay,

  An’ when they do n’t shell out enough

  He quits, an’ goes away.

  The deacon tole me yisterday

  That when I come to die

  I’ll burn in everlastin’ flame

  Forever an’ for aye!

  Says he, “jes’ see how saintly

  A feller can become

  Who says his prayers an’ does n’t touch

  Terbaccer, beer ner rum!”

  But when a man las’ winter

  Begged fer a loaf o’ bread

  To feed his starvin’ family

  This same good deacon said:

  “You scoundrel, if I find agen

  You ‘re beggin’ at my door,

  I’ ll put ye in the calaboose

  Fer sixty days, er more!”

  Las’ Sunday old Sam Jackson,

  Who allus were a thief,

  An’ cussed an’ swore an’ had no store

  O’ Christianlike belief,

  Lay dyin’ in his shanty,

  An’ when he passed away

  He tol’ me he was ‘mighty glad

  He ‘d never larnt to pray.

  An’ over to th’ meetin’-house

  They took up a c’lection

  T’ “spread th’ Word in Asia,”

  Or some other furrin section.

  Thy did n’t care that layin’ ‘round

  The city were a show

  O’ heathens wuss ner Asia’s--

  ‘T wa’ n’t Christianlike, ye know.

  It ‘s allus been my way t’ try

  To help my feller man,

  An’ when I find a wretch that’s down

  I boost him all I can.

  I know ‘t ain’t Christianlike, an’ that

  I orter pray instead.

  That my poor soul won’t be burnt up

  Immejitly I’m dead.

  Each churchman ‘s pluggin’ fer himself,

  An’ cares fer nothin’ more

  If he can only land at last

  Upon the golden shore.

  An’ so, I guess a heretic

  I’d much prefer to be;

  This selfish Christianity

  Ain’t good enough fer me!

  A Rare Bit

  (Writ dejectedly at early dawn.)

  THE rarebit is an elfish imp

  That wields a deadly power,

  Though frequently nonchalantly

  The demon we devour.

  I think I ‘ve figured out the way

  This weird dish is created,

  And if you ‘d try this recipe

  Below ‘t is plainly stated:

  You take a drove of nightmares,

  Of headache quite a lot,

  A cord of hard dyspepsia

/>   And of mulligrubs a jot,

  And roll and mash and bake ‘em

  ‘Til browned to fit the code,

  Then feed it to your dearest friends

  As “rarebit, à la mode”!

  ‘T would be palpably fictitious

  Though suff’ring from its sting,

  Should I say it’s not delicious--

  Unfit to feast a king.

  I can only pray devoutly,

  (In addition to my litany,)

  From rarebit Lord deliver me,

  So I never more will get any!

  The Fisher Man

  WHEN balmy Spring days come once more

  I find myself a wishing

  That I might wander on the shore

  And spend a day a fishing.

  So I hie me to the store

  Where sporting goods beguile

  And purchase an outfit galore,

  With which to fish in style.

  I pay an X for rod and reel,

  For lines and flies a V,

  And then II more to add a creel

  To hold the fish, you see.

  And then for suit of curduroy

  I squander quite a sum,

  And several dollars more employ

  For bait that is n’t rum.

  The railway fares are rather high

  (Trout brooks are isolated,)

  But who cares for expense, say I,

  When sportively elated?

  And when at last I reach the brook

  And cast my brightest fly,

  I marvel how these fish will look

  When landed high and dry.

  When Mc Guffy

  “Whin McGuffy hits the growler

  He jist inflates his chist

  An’ plants his futs upon the flure,

  Thin gives his belt a twist;

  He throws his whole head back a bit

  An’ howlds the growler tight,

  An’ thin the bottom av the pail

  Quite aisy comes in sight!”

  Two Women

  THE woman Old and woman New

  Met one day, as women do,

  And looked each other through and through.

  “What’s creature’s this?” cried the woman Old,

  “Who doth her ‘form divine’ enfold

  In raiment immodest and bold?”

  “Insolent wretch!” quoth the woman New,

  “Shall I accept insult from you,

  Who know naught but to cook and sew?”

  “Cook and sew!” the other said,

  “Is ‘t then no wit to make good bread

  Or neatly mend for him you’ve wed?”

  “Task for menials!” the New one cries,

  A fine scorn flashing from her eyes;

  “Such occupations I despise.”

 

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